by James Kelman
I burst my shoes when I was chasing the ball and kicking it. My maw was angry and gived a letter to my teacher. My teacher read it and went away out the classroom and when she came back she did not look at me and was angry She did not like me because of what my maw wrote. I told my maw and she sat down on a chair, and she was angry.
The playground was up high and with a high fence, and barbed wire at the top to stop ye climbing over. The big boys could get up to the top. If the ball got kicked over the fence and landed way down below it was a bakery and there was men there and they kicked it back but sometimes they did not. The smells of baking came into our classrooms and we were starving, it was bread. When ye climbed the high fence ye could see all loafs, stacks and stacks. They were on wooden boards and the men were putting them into vans.
***
It was me got the bad doings in our house except one time Matt got one. Him and his pals were away knocking and the cops got them and took them home in the cop-car. There was a loud chap at the door and it was me opened it. Oh it was big cops there. They came right in the lobby. Oh where is yer mammy son?
Oh but she was not in, tough luck for Mattie it was just my da, he was home on leave and he just came out with a angry face. The cops told him stuff. It was not good. My da was talking to the cops. Matt started greeting. He was just greeting loud and the big cops were looking. They were just going to go away now and what was going to happen. Oh it is out of our hands Mr Smith, saying that to my da.
The cops went away. And here my da saw me, Oh what are you doing here away to yer room!
But I was not doing nothing except just there, I opened the door and the cops were there. Oh away to yer room.
I did but my door was open and I heard. Matt gret louder, if he was going to get a doing. Oh and he was, he did. My da was talking and then he stopped and Matt was going, No daddy no daddy no daddy.
And ye knew what he was doing, just getting Matt and holding him so he could not get away and just whack whack whack.
When my da gived me a doing he always talked but here with Matt he was not. With me he was skelping and talking and if I jumped away he caught me. Oh how many times have I telled ye and oh skelp skelp skelp. But do you ever listen? no, skelp skelp, you just never never listen, skelp.
But no here. And Mattie was shouting, No daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy, and my da was just smack - smack - smack - smack.
Matt never got hit hardly at all so now he was. It was a bad one and I did not like it and just hearing him, it was awful and I did not want to hear him, no greeting like that. It felt funny in my stomach. What was my da saying? His voice was too far.
Where was my maw? She was at her work.
I felt sorry for Mattie but I could not say anything to him, he would not let me, he just went to his bed. It was maybe half past seven.
I went into the living room where my da was reading the paper. He was sitting on his chair and smoking a fag and his face was all red. He did not look to me but he saw me.
I just took down the cushion and sat where I sat at the side of the couch, no far from the telly, that was where I used to sit, if he forgot I was there and maybe was speaking to my maw and saying stuff, ye just listened but he did not like ye doing it. Oh go to bed. But this time he did not say it.
It went on and on not speaking. I got up and went to the door. My da was looking at his paper, his feet under him. He had a angry face. I went away out the room. But there was no place to go, so I just went to my bed but Matt did not want me, I knew he did not and he was just lying and if he was sleeping, I do not think he was. It was a hard doing and I heard low down in his body, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, and if maybe it was just if he was still greeting or just breathing. He was not sleeping, he was awake and just thinking about stuff, if he wanted to run away, he must have, that was what I wanted if I got doings, I got a lot of doings. He did not so just it made it worse.
***
People all supported Rangers. Their pitch was away up the road and along. On Saturday ye heard big big roars coming, Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh, so a goal was scored. Two boys out my class were going to see them. Terry and Ian. I went too. Terry's big cousin was taking us. He did not know me and Ian were coming as well and looked angry at Terry. It was just you to come!
But me and Ian just went and he let us.
It was a long walk and ye had to go where there were gangs against ye. They were midgierakers and were Papes. They had sacks and went round people's midgies looking for lucks. If they came down our street ye shouted, Midgierakers Midgierakers. My da said how one had a Yankee motor car and was a millionaire. We went through their place to go to the Rangers. There was all men walking and ye walked beside them. The boys that stayed there just looked. If ye were not with the men they jumped ye. They were tough fighters and ye did not want to get caught.
Coming out of there ye passed a wee football park where a wee team played. It was beside a railway line. Ye could look down at them playing football when ye passed over the railway bridge. Ye could skip in to watch their game. Ye climbed down a wee hill and across the railway tracks and up the other side and through the fence or else under it.
There was not a way in like that for the Glasgow Rangers. It was big big walls, cops on horses. Big railings and high gates. Ye could have climbed them, but the cops would see ye. So ye could not get in except if ye had money to pay at the turnstiles or else got a man to lift ye over. That was how me and my pals were getting in. Terry's big cousin was telling us but I knew because my Uncle Billy said it. He done it when he was wee. And that was what he said, Oh you just do that and ye will get in.
It was the biggest biggest crowd, all men there and boys too and then cops and some were on their horses, big big horses that came close up to ye and ye had to watch out for their feet kicking ye. If ye fell under their belly, that was you and ye got trampled to death.
The horses just done the toilet when they were standing there. It just came out and ye had to watch it. Ye saw the's***e on their tails and b*ms. It was funny looking and people all were laughing.
We were waiting there and Terry's big cousin shoved me. You go over to that f*****g queue.
I did not want to but he said I had to. He shoved Ian to go to another one. It was all queues and all men waiting in long long lines and all going inside the wee gates, it was turnstiles. Then boys were getting lifted over. I saw it. Ye just went to the front and men would lift ye. Terry's big cousin told us. Ye were just to watch for the cops and if the serjeant was there. Oh mister, going to lift us over?
I knew what to say and if men just laughed and did not do it. Oh away ye go son. But if one gived ye a wink so ye were just to stand there beside him and then just nearer and nearer, nearer and nearer. Some men had beer and the smell blew over ye. Oh Mr I have lost my money, can ye lend me any?
If he was a drunk man sometimes he gived ye money or else just laughed at ye, Cheeky wee b*****d.
Cops got angry. They had red faces. Boys were getting lifted over and it was beside them. One cop was swearing. Do not come the c**t! There is the serjeant.
Ye were hoping they would not look to see. If ye were faraway they let the man lift ye but then if they shouted, Hoy you stop that, and chased all the boys away.
When they done that the men all laughed and went, Boooo.
Some big boys screwed up bits of silver paper and flicked them at the horses' b*ms and one shouted, Stick a pin up its a**e.
So if ye done it what would happen? The horse had a very big b*m and maybe would not even feel it or else if it did and was a bucking bronco so the cop fell off.
All men were saying bad words and so were the boys. And the cops too, if ye came too near the horses. Get out the f*****g road!
If it was just wee boys they got lifted easy. But if it was too big a boy the cops waved their hand so the man had to stop or else it was hard for the man to lift him over the gate. Some men were wee so when ye were in mid air their arms were high up holding ye and ye had to w
alk yer feet over the gate. The man taking in the money could not stop ye because he was in the cubicle and could not come out. But if he was angry at ye and shouting at the man, Oh what are you playing at! Do you think I am a mug? I am getting the f*****g polis!
The man lifting ye over was angry back at him. Aw shut yer f*****g mouth he is just a boy.
I will put you out as well you f*****g b*****d ye.
Just f*****g try it.
F**k you.
Oh f**k you.
I will come round there and batter yer f*****g c**t in!
Away and f**k yerself.
And ye were getting nearer and nearer and people all shoving then it was you and the man taking ye just winked and if it was a big man it was just wheeeecchh and that was you, ye were over and jumping down the other side. Ye had to watch it so ye did not fall back or else yer head got banged on the gate or the brick wall. So ye were on the ground and ye just ran round and jooked through the men going up the stairs, some walking, some running, and if ye got into there nobody could get ye.
I was looking to see Ian and Terry and the big cousin but they were not there. I waited a long time. Maybe if the cops came and got them. I waited and waited. Everywhere it was all men and big boys, all crowding and going fast. If the game was going to start, it was, men were saying. So then I just walked in with them and was just going along and on up the steps and ye could not stop even if ye wanted. And the steps up were steep as steep and men were hurrying up and if ye were too slow, Oh get out the road. Oh for f**k sake look where ye are going!
I was watching down at my feet because if I tripped and fell, so I did not fall, and I saw three pennies there on the ground and tried to get them but the men were pushing ye and ye had to walk on, ye could not stop. Other boys were there. I saw them. They were getting stuff, empty bottles and dowps to smoke, getting matches off men to light them. Boys had bags, and that was for the bottles. Their bags had all empty bottles and they would get money back on them. They were just picking up all the bottles and it was money back. How many bottles did they have? Just piles of them. But if you were there and took them they would batter ye.
I was at the top of the stairs and the best thing when ye looked down, just the best ever, seeing the pitch, oh and it was away way far below, just all the green grass and the lines round it and then the goals and the nets all just there and the best ever ye could think. Men were shouting and bawling. Then the biggest roar. They were coming out. The players all were coming out. I could not see. If it was them, if it was the Glasgow Rangers. People all were cheering. Oh come away the boys!
I was having to jump up to see. And I did, and it was not boys just men! People were saying boys but they all were men. Big ones and wee ones, and some had baldy heads. Their blue jerseys and white shorts and their thick socks all pulled up to their knees and them just jumping up and down, slapping their hands.
The other team was just quiet and looking down at the grass. They were skinny and if they could not fight, maybe they could not, they were so just skinny, that was what I thought.
People all were singing now, more and more, and shouting, Oh oh oh and all what they were singing, all the words and ye just felt the best ever ye could feel and with them all being there, just everybody, crowds and crowds, all different and all the boys too, oh just it was everybody, that was what ye felt, it was just the greatest of all. And ye were just laughing, ye could not stop laughing and then oh it was shivering too if that other team wanted a fight well we would give them it, anytime, anyplace we would fight them fight them fight them, oooohhhhhh till the day is done we would and just fight them and never never surrender, we would never do that if it was dirty Fenian b*****ds, well it was just them and if they wanted their go we would give them it till the day is done, we would just follow on and never surrender if it was up to our knees and that was their blood we never ever would surrender if we were ever cowards, we would never be, never ever.
It just made ye angry, if they thought that, if we would be cowards oh we would never be cowards, and it was just everybody, oh who wants to fight us because ye shall die, we will kill yez all we will never give in, never, never never, never shall there even be one to give in. We would die first and all people were with us if it was big boys and men and who else just if they were there, and everybody if it was the wee boys it was just everybody there and all helping and you would be beside them all and yer pals too if they were there and it was for King Billy too and if it was for the Gracious Queen oh against the Rebels if we are, oh we are, if we are, oh we are. So what is the cry? a man was shouting, Oh and we were all shouting back, The cry is No Surrender, No Surrender or ye will die.
It was for our hearts and shields, we would never surrender. If they wanted to beat us they just could not, if it was all the Papes and Fenians and they were wanting to fight us well we would just fight them back. Who did they think they were? If it was just Papes, if they were going to fight ye, ye would just fight them back. We would not be feared of them, we would just kill them if it was all Rebels, if they were going to get us, they were not going to get us, they were just a Papish crew and were cowards.
Ohhh.
A man was pushing my shoulder. Stop f*****g kicking.
I am no kicking.
Ye are f*****g kicking me you silly wee c**t.
Oh he is just a boy.
Well tell him to stop f*****g kicking me!
He is not mine, I do not know him. Son, who are ye with?
I did not tell him but just went away along and was jumping up to see to the pitch down over the heads. I loved seeing the pitch, all the grass and muddy bits where the goalie was and in the middle line at the centre circle, and ye could see where to go with the ball and how ye would be running if the men were chasing ye they just would not get ye because ye were a quick quick runner and would just jink about if ye had the ball and ye were kicking it good and could score a goal into the net and the goalie could not catch it, a big grown-up man and he had a cap on and he was diving to save it but yer kick was just hard and ye scored the goal and they could not catch ye ye were just running and jumping over the wall and then away up fast out the road so the cops would not get ye.
Everybody was all singing, and ones were jumping up and waving their arms and punching, oh it was big punching and oh the men's faces all angry angry oh for the Fenian b*****ds oh for the Fenian b*****ds. Celtic would know about their troubles, we would fight them fight them fight them, till the day is done, oh if they thought we would be beat by them, we never would be beat, no by them, never never never, no against them and all the Irish and the Papes, never never never, if we would ever surrender, never never, we would always guard against them, we would just chase them away and they could just go back to Dublin and we would follow on, if they were just running away, not staying to fight and we were the bravest Protestant Boys, we would fight to the death, we would just kill them because if they hung themself oh for the Sash well we just would wear the Sash too if it was for our fathers and King Billy and then if it was the Gracious Queen, we would fight till our dying day. Oh and they were playing. The game had started. A man was chasing the ball, it went out for a shy. A man beside me was smoking and it was going in my face. He was smoking it fast and laughing and what he said, Follow follow, and a man beside him was just looking and he said it, Follow follow, and then he spat down on the ground and did not watch for people's feet.
It was hard to move and the men were going up and down and up and down and it was steps so ye had to watch it ye were going back with them, and yer knees were bending and heels hitting men's feet and then if ye were falling forward and ye just caught on a man and a man was saying that, Oh watch for the wean, watch for the wean.
And it was me.
Oh where is yer da son? The man said it to me and was grumpy. Is yer da here?
No.
Oh ye better go down the front.
And he pushed me out to where there was a walk down all the steps do
wn to a wee white wall. Boys were standing and ye could get in there, squeezing in but one saying, Heh you watch it, if I was shoving him but I was not, I was not meaning to, I was just getting in. Then people all were pushing and a man was angry and shouting, Oh for f**k sake ye are crushing us! It is weans here, watch the weans.
They were crushing into us and yer knees were against the wall and ye were shoving back. I was looking to see Terry and Ian but they were not there. The ball came. It was kicked high and was coming over our heads. Ohhhh and people all were cheering.
One man was getting the ball now to take the shy oh and his thick thick legs and all the men too how their legs were just the thickest, if ye got a kick off them they would just kick ye up in the air. And the one taking the shy was giving deep breaths, and going now taking aim and oh throwing the ball. And he done it far and then was chasing after it and so were all them.
***
I was out a message and a big boy grabbed me. He got me down and his young brother was there. Oh that is him.
The wee brother said that.
I did not know who they were. The big brother kneeled down on my arms so I could not move. I was trying to wrestle him off but I could not and was throwing my chest up and shouting. It was the worst dirty fighting. His hand now over my mouth and I was smothering, could not breathe, rolling about and he punched my stomach. Get that Get that, shouting to his young brother.
It was a big boulder, a right jaggy one, wee bits sticking out. The big brother pressed his knees down hard on my arms and then back holding my legs and I was trying to push him off and twisting my head and he slapped me on my face at my ear. I am warning ye, you stay away from my young brother, ever hit him again and I will kill ye.
But I did not know the young brother and he was there with the boulder in his two hands gripping it, holding it to his chin, getting my face in full view and taking aim and then he dropped it and it was full force how he done it, landing it on my nose and face and there was blood all over, my nose burst. They ran away and I got along the street, where I was, I cannot mind, through a back and up the stairs to the house and my grannie and granda were there and my grannie took me out and along the road and slow slow, Oh careful son careful, holding my nose. Oh hold it together if it is broke and it moves oh the broke bits would come out the skin.