by James Kelman
Ye just put yer hand through and down to get the handle to the big window then ye opened it. But I did not say it to him.
The balcony was the best place in the house. Ye got peace there. We were high up, but no so high as in the old house. But it was still high. I looked out and thought if it was water down below, if ye could dive in, it was like three dales up at the swimming baths, that was how high.
Even if ye were up on the roof, imagine diving off. Some ships my da sailed in were like that, ones as big as our complete building, sailing through the ocean. The sides of the ship was as big as it.
***
The Squatters' camp got flattened and they all were sent away. People were saying about it. And the Army was coming to clear the gun-site hill. We were waiting to see it but the Army lorries all came in the middle of the night and done it when everybody was asleep. Hundreds of lorries. People said that. It was going to be new houses, just houses and houses. Ye looked over at the fields and up to the gun-site hill, and it was all going to be houses, houses and houses. That was what my da said. Ye would not see nothing but houses. He sat at the window and looked out. If ye were watching the telly that was what he done, just smoking a fag. My maw said to him, Come and watch the programme, but a lot of times he did not.
I knew what it was, he was missing the sea. Uncle Billy telled us. One night after tea me and Matt went over to see grannie and granda. Uncle Billy was there and took us in to see granda. He was not keeping well and in his bed. Oh boys ye should have said ye were coming and I would have got up.
He was too tired now. I saw him lying in bed and his face was just thin.
Oh what about the new house, so we were telling him. Then about school, Oh how is it, what like is yer teachers? Are they all horrors?
Grannie was laughing. Oh dad!
Well mine were all horrors.
Oh but do not say it.
Him and grannie liked hearing about school. Matt said about his lessons and what he was doing. He did not talk about stuff if I was there so now he was and I was listening. He had a teacher he liked and it was him said it about college, Oh you are good at science.
So he was going to go, just if he done his lessons good. He was going to do them. My da was going to make him a desk so he could put his books. Granda telled him to stick in, Oh you stick in son.
Oh he is always swotting, I said.
Matt just looked at me.
Grannie did not want us to stay long. Uncle Billy was there. Come on we will go to the pictures.
But grannie said, No Billy do not take them it is too late. Oh boys you better just go home. Come on Saturday or Sunday the next time.
Uncle Billy walked with us down to the subway. He was asking about my da's new job. Oh he does not like it much, I said. It is too cramped for him.
Matt was looking at me. He did not like me saying it.
Oh he is missing the sea, said Uncle Billy.
The bike-shop was there and we saw in the window. The man that had the shop was a champion. The bikes there were the best of all. Oh I will win the pools, said Uncle Billy, then I will get yez one.
Matt said, I do not want one.
Oh well, said Uncle Billy but that was all.
So I did not like Matt saying that. Uncle Billy did not talk after it and we were just walking. This was a windy street. It was dark and the lights were not good. In the new scheme ye saw the sky and there were stars but here ye did not. I was glad Uncle Billy was there. If ye saw boys they picked on ye. At the subway station he gived us money. Alright men, cheerio.
When we were on the subway Matt said, Ye should not talk about dad.
Oh but Uncle Billy.
But ye should not anyway.
Matt could say these things to me. When he done it I wanted to say something back but could not. If me and him went places, he did not like taking me places. I liked going myself to grannie's. If ye went with him something happened.
***
I stopped swearing. No because of nothing. It was just if it was a laugh. Gary McNab was turning round in class when the teacher was not looking and he was saying stuff, T***e b*m k***h s***e d****e f***y b*m t*t. I was laughing too and he was saying in a low voice, You say it You say it.
If I would say it. Usually I did. He said it and I said it back and we were just laughing but this time I did not so he was saying, Oh what is wrong with you, how come you are not saying it. Say it.
No.
Aye.
No.
So then Gary said it again, T***e b*m k***h's***e d****e f***y b*m t*t.
And we were laughing. And Ruthie Grindlay that sat beside me was going, Oh tch huhhh, and turning round to see the lassie behind her. She did not like me laughing and talking to Gary McNab, if he was a dunce and we were in the top division. So he was whispering to me and the teacher looked and saw us but only me she said it to. Oh Kieron Smith, stop being so foolish.
When playtime came we went out to the playground. It was raining and a lot of us were in the shelter talking and laughing about the teacher. Gary McNab was making people laugh and saying how I would not say the swear words, and he was looking at me, and then he went, Well say them now.
But I was just laughing at him till then Podgie said it. Oh Smiddy, say the words.
No.
Come on.
No.
Come on, say's***e.
No.
Say it.
No.
Now other boys were looking.
Say t***e.
No.
You are just coming it.
I am not.
But that is not swearing, said Gary and he said the words again, T***e b*m k***h's***e d****e f***y b*m b*m.
Other ones were saying it too. Oh what is Smiddy doing? It is not swearing. Bad words is not swearing.
Some is swearing, if it is dirty words.
So other ones were shouting, Say's***e.
No.
Podgie said, Say f**k.
No.
C**t.
No.
People were laughing. Say jobby?
Jobby.
How come ye say jobby?
Because it is not swearing.
Look, said Gary, he has got a big riddy. Say k***h.
No.
K***h is not swearing.
Yes it is.
It is not.
Say f***y.
No.
Is f***y swearing?
Yes, because it is a dirty word.
Aye but it is no swearing.
Yes it is.
No it is not.
It is, if it a lassie's.
A boy out the class below said, How come ye do not swear?
Other ones were looking at me. I said, That is my business.
Say f**k, said Podgie.
No.
Mitch and other ones were there and looking at me and I felt how my face was and it was in my head to stop and just speak a bad word, whatever it was and I was waiting for Mitch to say it or if it was somebody, Billy MacGregor or Peter Wylie, if they said something so if I could just laugh but I could not. I thought I would. But then my face was sore and was just funny and I was rubbing it, and oh my cheeks and my bones felt funny. Mitch said it, Oh Smiddy does not swear.
Podgie said, How come?
I do not know.
Gary said, I have heard him swear.
Yes, I said, but I have stopped now.
And I did. I did not swear again or else bad words and dirty words, I tried not to, so people knew it.
It was funny how I done it. I felt it was funny. But I wished I had not started not swearing. Other boys did not swear but they were posh or else just if they were swots. So now I was in the top division and was one who did not swear.
My maw hated swearing. Even if it was my da and he said bloody. Oh Johnny.
Sorry.
Me and Matt never done it if we were the gether. If other boys were doing it and it was the two of us there, well,
ye wished they did not and maybe kidded on ye did not hear it.
Then I took red faces. Gary McNab watched me and shouted, Oh Smiddy has got a riddy.
And that started too if somebody was saying a joke and if it was dirty or with a bad word people looked at me to see what I would do, so if I got a red face and they all were laughing. Smiddy has got a riddy.
But some ones that did it were watching because if I got them, Who are you laughing at?
When it came after school or holidays and I was kicking a ball with Pat and Danny I swore same as them but then I stopped doing it there too.
So in the class people had a different look at me. Some liked it. I thought that with Gary McNab and Mitch but no with Podgie, it was just another thing and even ye thought if maybe he wished he did not swear or else what could it be? Podgie did not like it if things happened with other people it was only to be him, him him, he was the big man. He thought I was trying to be big. Mitch was saying to him about me climbing and Podgie just went away so he could not hear, he did not like me if I was a good climber.
I did not know about the lasses, if they thought I was good for not swearing. They would. Most lasses did not swear but said the first letter, You are a dirty b. Some just said it, Oh you are a cheeky b****r.
But people said, Oh he is in the top division, he does not swear.
But that did not matter. I would not swear if I was in the dunces' row. So what? It would not bother me. People there did not care about their lessons but ones in the top division did, and they did not fight and they did not do stuff except if the teacher said so. People thought it about me. None of the boys played with ye in the top division. But the ones there did not want to play Usually they had ties on and were snobby. Ye thought that about top boys. The teacher let them go messages out the room and they just came straight back but if it was me I just waited, so then she did not ask me. I was glad.
***
One Saturday morning Mitch came up for me and it was only seven o'clock. We were going to play football but no till ten o'clock. But now seven o'clock and the bell rang. I was sleeping and did not hear it but my da was there, just going out the door to his work. He took Mitch in and waked me up. What is that boy here for at this time of the morning?
I do not know dad.
Do not wake yer mother.
No dad. I took Mitch into the kitchenette and made toast and tea for breakfast. I said to him, Oh Mitch it is too early. We all were sleeping.
No yer da.
Oh aye but he is going to work.
After breakfast we went into the living room but it was too early for the radio or television. I had cards and we just played Pontoons for kid-on money. Me and him done it a lot and kept scores, who owed who, ye would pay back when ye were a man and got yer wages.
Mitch had three big sisters. I was glad I did not have. But maybe it would be good. If they done stuff for ye, sisters usually done it, if it was housework. Mitch thought a big brother would be good but maybe it would not. I telled him.
He came up for me a lot of times. I took him in. My maw said it too, Oh take him in Kieron.
If Matt was there he let him in too. But if Matt was in the room swotting I had to take Mitch into the living room. But if my da was home it had to be the kitchenette or the balcony, or just the landing stairs outside the door, he did not like Mitch. Oh he is just a dunderheid. He called him that. I did not like it. My da called people names.
Me and Mitch just sat on the steps and talked about stuff or else played cards. If we were all away out and Mitch came up for me he just waited till we came home. He sat outside the front door or else at the foot of the close, on the steps to the pavement. My da did not like him doing it. Oh has he no home to go to?
Then if it was too late at night. Once it was after ten o'clock and it was my time for bed. We had had our supper and were watching the telly. Matt was in the bedroom swotting. The bell rang and my maw and da were looking at each other and were worried. Oh who could that be?
I was going to answer the door but my da said, Stay there son I will go.
It was Mitch. Is Smiddy coming out?
My da was annoyed and gived him a row. Oh what time do ye think this is? A boy of your age should not be out at this time of night. It is far too late, away ye go home. And he shut the door on Mitch and came back and was saying about it to my maw and laughing. Is Smiddy coming out? Oh he had a ball too! Ten o'clock at night and he is looking for a game of heidies. A boy at that age, it is a disgrace.
My da was not saying it to me, only to my maw. But I was there and it was my pal. So how come? How come it was not to me?
I jumped up from the floor and rushed to the window and opened it to see down. My maw said, Kieron, it is too late at night for that.
Oh but I am just looking out.
Do not lean out the window.
Oh but I am just.
Shut that d**n window, said my da.
Oh but.
Shut the window.
I did shut it but was still trying to see out and down for Mitch.
Come away from that b****y window!
Yes but dad
What is it with you? My da was sitting up in his chair and looking straight at me. Eh? I am asking you a question?
Answer your father, said my maw.
Well if he is my pal, if it is Mitch.
It is after ten o'clock at night.
Yes but if he is my pal.
Ten o'clock at night, said my da, and he is out looking for a game of football!
It is far too late, said my maw.
But it is not my fault.
What are you talking about? said my da.
Well if he came up for me.
We are not saying it is your fault, said my maw.
Do not be so stupid, said my da.
Well I am not being stupid, if he came up for me, it is not my fault.
Oh away and give us peace, said my da. What is he doing up for ye at this time of night? Ten o'clock! For a game of b****y football! There is something wrong with that boy. He is just a b****y dunderheid.
No he is not.
Aye he is. And do not talk back to me.
My maw was looking at my da and I knew what it was, it was swearing and saying aye. He kidded on he did not know.
I was just going to wave to him, I said.
It is too late at night, said my da.
Yes but I was just going to wave.
Oh for Heaven sake. My da shaked his head and lifted up his newspaper. He kept it at the side of his chair and just read it when he wanted.
William's mother and father will be worried, said my maw.
They will not.
Of course they will.
Of course they will not.
What? My da leaned out of his chair now to look right at me. His face was the angriest. I was sitting where I sat at the side of the settee but I could not go behind with him speaking to me. Oh what did you say? Eh? What did you say? Are you being cheeky to your mother? Do not you ever be cheeky to yer mother! I am warning ye.
I was not being cheeky.
What!
My maw said, Yes you were Kieron.
Well I did not mean to be.
Well it d**n well sounded like it to me! Get to yer bed.
Yes, I am going.
Aye well go, just b****y go, afore I lose my temper.
My maw was looking at my da because all what he was saying. But I just got up and went to the door and right out. I was glad, glad glad glad, just glad. I did not want to stay there with them. It was just not fair and I was sick of it. If it was my pal I should have went to the door. It was my pal if it was Mitch. He came up for me. It was not up for them. He did not come up for them. So if he did not, if my da said it to my maw and not to me, he should have said it to me. Oh your pal is at the door. He should have said it to me. I should have went to the door just to see Mitch. Oh it is too late, I cannot come out. I would have said it to him.
Oh yer pal is there at the door. My da should have said that. It just was not fair, because I was young. If it was Matt it would not have been, he would have said it to him. My da always said stuff to Matt, no to me. That is what happened in this house. I was sick of it and I just thought it was horrible, just all things ye were always not allowed. How come ye were not allowed? And if it was something even just if it was yer pal, if he came up for ye, how come ye could not see him? It just was not fair. Because he came up late, it was not my fault.
I saw Mitch at school and said it to him, Do not come up for me too late, that was too late, my da was just angry.
What for?
It was too late.
Oh did he give ye a doing?
No, but he nearly did.
Oh if he does ye should just f*****g run away. I would go with ye, we will just go to England, I have got cousins there and they would help ye.
Mitch wanted to run away a lot. I said I would go with him but just no just now. He still came up for me, even if it was rows. The doorbell rang and my maw went to get it. Oh is Smiddy coming out?
My maw did not like him saying it. Who is Smiddy?
This is his house.
Oh his name is Kieron, it is Kieron, you must say Kieron. And it is not hoose it is house, you must say house.
House.
My maw took him in but she did not like him in the house all the time and no if we were having our tea. He kept looking round to see us. He was sitting on the settee and doing it. Lucky for him my da was not home. My maw got up and left the table, she carried her tea ben the kitchenette. She said it to me after. Oh William is watching me eat, tell him not to, it is awful rude.
My maw did not like people watching her. Sometimes she thought stuff and it was just daft. But Matt said it too. Tell Mitch no to watch us eating.
So after me and Mitch went out I said to him, How come ye were watching us eat, my maw did not like it.
Oh I was not watching yez eat.
Aye ye were. Matt said it too.