by James Kelman
I did so do it. I done it a lot of times.
Podgie did not believe me. Him and Gary were pointing at me and laughing. Two boys from the class below us were there. They were laughing too. What were they laughing about? If they thought they could laugh at me. They just went with Podgie because they wanted in with him. They were feared of him.
But if it was fighting he would beat ye. I thought about how ye would fight him and what my Uncle Billy said. Oh ye just grab something and batter him with it, if it is a brick or what, a bottle, ye just batter him with it and the best place is the nose, hit him on the nose and he will not get up. Or else boot him in the b**ls. If it was football it was rupture. Ye could not move if the ball hit ye there it was just the worst agony. So what if it was a boot? Ten times worse, a hundred times. Yer b**ls went all black, that was what happened to a bad rupture, ye saw all the football players if it was Rangers or who, Celtic or Thistle, and it was a free kick, they all shielded their b**ls else what would happen, it was a rupture and that was you.
Podgie acted tough with me all the time. So if I was easy he was going to take me any day. I thought how to fight him. Podgie could bash ye. He was not fat but just with a very thick body so if he did punch ye, ye would just fall down and that was you if ye were knocked out. A knock-out punch. Ye saw that in boxing.
If ye just did not do nothing, that was the worst thing. Boys done that. Somebody was battering them and they were just holding themselves, Oh stop stop stop, oh do not hit me, do not hit me. But they just got belted harder and then down on the ground, if it was a dirty fighter, they got a kicking. People shouted that, Oh let yer man up!
But a dirty fighter did not let his man up, just booted into him on the ground and the boy shouting, Oh give us mercies give us mercies.
A dirty fighter did not give mercies. The big boys were like that at football. They just booted ye. Two times they let me and Billy MacGregor play with them. They just booted ye off the park. They were in Secondary School. RCs played too, well if it was Sunday. So for Billy because he was good, it was just boot boot boot but Billy just dodged them. If it was me I just ran fast to get away, then they shouted at ye, Oh Smiddy is a wee's***ebag.
No wonder if you are just going to boot us!
But that was all they done. Ye heard somebody say, Oh he is a great tackier. But he was not a great tackier just dirty. I thought that. Then if they had thick legs they just crunched ye. Some of the big boys' legs were very thick, and if ye were trying to get into them they just banged ye and ye fell down. Even they did not mean it, they just caught ye or if it was their knee it cracked ye. Oh and it was pure agony. Yer leg was away and ye could not stand on it. Ye had to go and sit down till it got okay again.
So it was not good playing with them even if they let us. Ye just liked it because they were big. We got our own game and it was best. Big ones played with us but only Primary 7 up to First Year Secondary. In that big Sunday game ones had left school and were working. I did not play good with the big boys. Podgie and Mitch did not even play in their games. They just sat and were smoking. Gary McNab was with them. Gary did not play football much. One time he said to me, Football is p**h.
His big brother played and it was him and his pals brought the cards. He just left the game and went over behind the goals. So did other ones. Then the football finished and they started cards. Pontoons. Ye had to get to 21S or ye got bust. It was for money, so only them with money played. If ye did not have money ye just watched. I liked watching. But if there was too many wee ones and just all talking all the time, the big ones got angry, Oh stop f*****g yapping. Oh f**k off, wee c**ts.
But if ye were just there and quiet and just were watching then it did not matter. Or else if ye helped and went messages. If one was playing and you were not he would just say to ye, Oh will ye go to the ice-cream van and get me five fags and a bottle of ginger.
So ye just went. I went a lot because I did not have money. Ye got a drink of ginger or else a fag for going. If that one won a lot of money he could give ye something, threepence or sixpence. Sometimes he did not give ye anything, no even a fag. Just if he was flinging away the dowp he gived it to you so ye got the last draw before it burned too low. Some big ones did not give ye nothing. Ye ran round to the icey or else down the shops for them. Then ye came back and they laughed at ye. So ye stopped going their messages. Oh he is too miserable.
Some boys made pieces for ones that were winning the most money, and they said, Oh I am starving.
Do ye want a piece on jam?
No, a piece on cheese.
This was what Podgie done. He stayed near. He would run away up to his house and make a piece on cheese and then back down and give it to the other one and he would get money for doing it. So then if he played cards with the money he got, so if he won. Most times he lost it quick.
I lived too faraway to do it.
In my house ye did not get money. Matt got a job but then stopped it with his studies. A lot of the big boys had jobs. They done deliveries, milk or papers or what. Gary's brother worked on the milk. Another big boy there was George who was pally with my brother and had a wee brother Jim, he was a paperboy. He spoke to me. Oh I do not see Matt these days, what is he up to?
He is doing his studies. For his exams.
A lot of times George lost his money and was dead angry. He tossed his cards away and one time he tore them. Gary's big brother was looking at him, so if it was going to be a fight. But George won sometimes and if he gived me money. Do not gamble it now.
He called me Kieron. Some of the boys looked at me. Smiddy is Kieron. Then Podgie and a wee smile to Gary McNab, oh it is a Pape's name, I knew what he was meaning.
Somebody said Podgie got a doing off a Pape. I did not know if it was true. Just if he was going to pick on ye, that was what worried ye. One time in class me and Gary McNab were talking and he telled me Podgie had a wee t****r. Gary done a y*****g sign with two fingers and was laughing. I telled Mitch. Mitch said it back to Gary but Gary said he did not say it, so if I said he did I was lying. I was not lying. He just laughed. That was what Gary done, so if it went back to Podgie, what would he say to me?
Podgie said stuff to people. Oh your maw done a washing and I saw her k*****rs hanging up. He done it to Mitch about his sisters. Oh do ye see their clothes hanging up? Have they got k*****rs? Oh do they wear k*****rs? Oh do ye see them going to the bathroom? Do they wear their knick-knacks? Do ye see all their legs? Oh come on and tell us! Podgie made w*****g signs with his hand and felt yer d**k. Oh Smiddy has got a h****n.
I have not.
Oh ye f*****g have. Oh Mitch see yer face, ye have got a big f*****g riddy.
Mitch let him say it. How come? I did not like it. If he done it with me. He did, he did do it with me. But Mitch could have hit him. I think he could have. I said it to him. You could just batter him.
Oh but he is a pal.
Podgie did not act it with Gary McNab because of his big brother. Ye saw him walking about. Everybody did. He could fight anybody. He carried a blade, people said it. A blade was a knife. One time the Squatters captured him and he escaped out the camp. Gary telled us, he just had the knife and they were feared, the ones that were guarding him. He was getting a big gang from the whole of the new scheme to go and fight the Squatters. He was not scared of them, even if it was Cochise. Gary said it. But I did not think it. The Squatters were all away now. Me and Mitch went to see their old camp. Peter Wylie came with us. But nothing was there except the new building site and all muddy tracks and everything, bricks and bricks and just piles of stuff. We went in and got piles of nails and one tool that was an iron bar. The workies were not looking at us. We planked the stuff in swampy grass near the burn.
The iron bar was good. Ye used it to open stuff, just wedged it and then forced what it was. It was dead heavy but felt good in yer hand. And if it just tapped ye on the head ye would be knocked cold. Imagine having it and somebody claimed ye so it was a fight and y
e could just use it. What if ye had it in yer pocket? If they would not leave ye alone. Ye could just take it out and batter them. Podgie done it, he came up and shoved ye in the back. He done it to me. Or else clicking yer heels and it was a joke but if you done it to him? Well ye would not do it to him. It was sore when he done it. It just made ye angry and I got angry and what to do, ye wanted to do something but could not, ye could not do nothing. And all people seeing ye, and if ye were with the boys so it was yer pals, and if it was Gary and him laughing.
My face just went red and ye just got worse angry and they were laughing at ye. I would have battered Podgie. If I was John Davis I would have. I would have got him down and booted into him. Or else just punched him. The first time he said anything to me I would belt him, calling me names or what, I would not be scared of him.
***
My da telled me to sit on the settee. How come he did it? Just because he picked on ye. Ye were there no doing nothing and it happened. Worse if ye talked. So if ye were not allowed to. It was your house same as them but they did not want ye talking. Matt said stuff. I could not.
I did not like sitting on the settee except if nobody was there. If my maw was there or Matt ye could not see the telly right because their face was in front of ye. That was all ye could watch was their face. Ye could not stop it, and if it was my maw, she did not like it and looked round to see ye if ye were. But I was not. I did not want to look at her face but ye could not help it, just how ye were sitting on the settee.
My maw telled me to sit nearest the television but then if it was your face they were seeing. Ye were just blocking the way and ye were not to move. Oh why cannot you sit at peace?
But mum I am just.
Oh would you just stop fidgeting.
Ye could not do nothing. Then if ye picked yer nose, that was the worst. Oh go and blow your nose Kieron that is just very bad manners.
Then if it was other ones doing it. Matt picked his nose too but he kidded on he did not. Me and the boys were talking about it and Gary McNab said about his auntie, how she done it and that was the worst of all. But if it was yer maw, imagine yer maw done it. I could not. I had not seen her ever do it. But I saw my da and it was his middle finger. People were talking about ones that done it but I did not say about him. But his face went funny and he did not wipe it anywhere. People done it and then if ye shook their hands, I would never do it and then if ye made the supper. It was horrible.
I did not like watching people. Ruthie Grindlay was in the second row at the desk across from me and always scratched her head, and it was all dandruff falling down on the desk. The teacher was talking and she was doing it. I had a wee dream and it was caterpillars falling. It was not a real dream in bed, just at my desk in the class and she was doing it, all caterpillars falling out her hair and on the desk.
Then she looked down to see it and blowed it away and gived a wee look to see if people were watching. It was just horrible and clatty. Imagine yer mouth was open and ye were eating yer dinner if it was dinner school and it landed on yer plate, just her dandruff, it sickened ye and then if she f****d. That was worst. Except if she was fat. I thought if it was a fat person because all the wind was packed in their body, it would just be like it was not their fault, if they were just so big and jampacked with wind so if only they had to move an inch and something jumbled inside their stomach, they would not even know they were doing it. My grannie done it, she was just walking and it came out, but she did not make a smell. But she was not fat.
***
No many people from the scheme went to Matt's school. The ones that did stayed on at school and got their Highers, then it was the best jobs. My maw said it, if ye could just do that, that was you and it was not a dirty job, ye worked with yer brains and not just yer hands. White-collar jobs were the best ones to get, and if ye could get one as a clerk. People were clerks, they did not get their hands dirty and it was short hours. My da worked in a factory and did not like it. Oh but Matt would never work there, said my maw.
His school was all posh and snobby. My maw liked if he was saying stuff about it. I came into the kitchenette and he was talking oh and my maw's face, ye saw her eyes all big and just laughing, oh she loved hearing it.
But no if I was there, Matt did not want me hearing. So if I came in and he was talking to my maw he just stopped and was waiting for me to go back out. He did not want me there, just so he could talk to mum and tell her stuff, he did not want me hearing. Because it was all snobby stuff. I knew it was snobby stuff. I did not care. So if he was saying all about his lessons and what the teacher said.
Oh and who is in your class, if they all are good speakers and oh just if they are good. My maw liked all good stuff.
When the boys were talking about big brothers and saying about best fighters they did not say about Matt. He did not do much fighting here. He did in the old place. If it was gangs, if our street was fighting them, Matt charged into them. He was a best fighter. He was. I saw he was. He went with his pals and they just all went places. Now he did not. He just stayed in his room, he read books and swotted. If he went out it was Saturday and Sunday and he got the train to meet his pals. They were in his school and did not live in the scheme.
Mitch liked him. He wished he had a big brother but I telled him how they might not be good. Ye could still get doings. Not real doings, but punches. Then if they wanted something they just took it and if it was the biggest dinners, they always got them, if it was potatos on yer plate ye aye counted more on his and they were just always bigger. Sausages too. Oh he got three sausages what did you get? Two and a half. Else yours were skinny and his were fat.
Or what? Stew and mince. He got the most meat, yer maw always gived him it. You just got carrots and gravy. And he got the biggest puddings, bigger than my da as well. How come? My maw gived Matt the biggest in the house. My da just looked. The same if it was a piece, if my maw was making us one, he got the thickest slices. So if it was a piece, I made my own so I could get good ones, I just looked for the best slices, I just dug down inside the loaf and I got them if they were thick.
And I made the supper. He never made it. But I liked making it. Because I just gived him the weest, toast and cheese or else scrambled egg, I gived him the weest plate and then seeing his face, he used to see what everybody was getting. So if it was my maw's and da's, he could not say nothing because he should get the weest. But if it was mine and he saw it was bigger, oh ye just felt like laughing. I sat down with mine and I nearly was. If I had laughed he would have got me. He would have punched me on the back or on the shoulder. They would not have seen him doing it. Usually I took first bites out mine so he could not see the size.
He would not make the supper. He was lazy. I thought that. He did not do stuff except if it was studying, and my maw and da did not make him. With me they did. Oh away down the shops for milk and potatos, oh take that rubbish bin down the midden or else peel the potatos. Oh Kieron you peel the potatos and will you please set the table. If Matt set the table he just put down the placemats and the knifes, forks and spoons. I done everything, cups for tea and milk and sugar and all plates and then salt. Oh but if it was Matt, oh no. And then all his stuff in the bedroom, all just lying under the bed, and his socks and pants, he just threw it all under, and my maw had to get it for the laundry basket. So that was not fair, if I had to get mine myself, he never got his.
Or else the window side. How come he had the window side? He just took it. I would have loved sleeping there and then at nighttime maybe with the curtains open for the moon and stars. Except when the light was too bright coming in because it kept ye awake. Or else if it was a loud storm with thunder and lightning. Although that was alright, ye could just lie there and think about things. When my da was in the Navy they had the biggest storms and thundering gales, the waves coming over the bows of the boat and if ye were not careful they seized ye and carried ye overboard. Men were lost at sea. Some of his pals went overboard and if that happe
ned they could not survive, no even if the Captain and everybody knew they were overboard because they could not turn the boat back, it took too long, it had to go on a big wide circle to do the turnabout so the ones that fell off were already drowned and lost forever.
Or if it was up north at the Arctic Circle and it was too cold if it was winter and they were dead in ten minutes. Or even one minute. It was exposure. And how cold it was too, so they would be a block of ice. Nobody could dive in and save them, their body could not take it. It had to be lifeboats and maybe they did not work if it was too bad a storming wind and ye could not launch them or else if they capsized. The Captain would not waste more men for the sake of one. That was what happened. And ye were there in the water and yer feet just going up and down and oh what about sharks or what. Ye were just having to watch it, and seeing the boat too, getting farther and farther away, the lights getting lower and lower, going into the distance, if ye tried to swim after it and yer boots were too heavy, all the water getting in, if ye were wearing big wellies, the water filling them up and dragging ye down for a horrible death, so ye had to get them off, just treading water, keeping yer head up, unless ye just dived down to do it, that would be the best thing, so using yer two hands to pull them off.
Or no wearing wellies at all. Ye would not wear them because why, because what good were they? Ye had to wear them when ye were wee. I hated them except for going in puddles but they gived ye hacks and it was just sore the whole day. They were hopeless for other stuff. Ye could not play football with them and never climb an inch. Imagine wellies and climbing a ronepipe? Even a tree. Ye could not. So the same if ye were a sailor. If they could not grip the deck ye were best wearing something like whatever it was, just the best for gripping and so if ye fell in they would not fill up and drag ye down.
That was what ye wondered, ye saw somebody drowning, they had not the strength to keep up. Yer legs just gived in and that was you, ye sank down, having to take in the water once yer breath ran out, right down fathoms and fathoms right to the bottom of the sea. Or else if ye just floated, if yer body had no life left in it, it was all gone, so maybe it went back up to the surface. Ye saw some bodies like that, other ones just went to the bottom.