by James Kelman
Reverend Christie had a baldy head and a tough face but people liked him because he told stories from the Bible and good ones about the Army and stuff. Oh there was this young man who saw slaughter with a heavy heart. One day we would all grow up.
After he finished and sat down Mr Reid stood up, the Headmaster. Thank you Reverend Christie. We do not want harum scarums at this school. We are a new school in a new scheme and we are new people, we are all ourselves new from what went before so here is new chances and a new life and we all are so so lucky to get it.
Mr Reid had an angry temper. So if it was mischief-making, there would be none of that in this school and if it was breaking windows or climbing buildings or doing any single last thing he would be completely angry and maybe expel ye.
That was what he said. People would get expelled for climbing stuff. Oh and what would yer mother and father say about that? Your mother would be crying and your father would just be so upset and angry and you could not blame him if ye got a real leathering, it was only to be deserved.
Some were looking round to see. And it was me. But how come? If it was. If somebody telled the Headmaster. Maybe they did. Oh if they did. So if I could not climb the roof.
Reverend Christie was on the chair beside the Headmaster and his head was nodding up and down.
After Assembly we went to our own class and Ruthie Grindlay was beside me at the desk. Oh uh Kieron what did ye do?
Nothing.
Oh uh.
I did not do nothing at all.
Oh are you climbing the roof?
I did not say things to her because she just would tell people.
And Gary McNab too. Oh Smiddy ye going to climb the roof?
My stomach was just ohh ohh. I could see out the window, the rain still coming, but only spitting. So if it went off and the wall was dry.
But I was not doing it. What about the Headmaster? So if I was a coward. If people thought that. How come they did not climb it? If it was only me. How come?
Because Podgie. Podgie made ye. That was what he done. He got people to do stuff.
But if I climbed it I climbed it. It was my business. If I done it, it was me. Maybe I would maybe I would not. Only I would see. If I did I did.
What like was the roof? Maybe I would do it.
At four o'clock people went to the shelter. No many lasses came. Ye could see them over at the school gate looking back to us. The rain was still spitting, it was too slippy, I was not going to do it, except what if I did, it was just my business.
Then the jannie was there. He came walking out a wee side door. He had his coat on and his hands in his pockets. He was not looking to us but if ye went to the building he would see ye. He had a wee smile on his face. Usually he did. Mr Thompson. He was a BB Officer and people liked him. If he saw ye doing something ye were not to he just said, Yes boy! So ye stopped. But he did not tell the Headmaster.
Now he was standing by the school wall. But he would go away soon. Mitch and them were beside me, Podgie as well. You going to do it? Eh. Eh Smiddy?
Maybe.
So if I did it. If I did it I did it. A lot were there and looking at me.
At the top of the building ye could see the roof the same as mine, how ye reached the top and the edge stuck out. That was roofs. It was the gutter and then the slates sloping down. Ye could not get on to my roof Ye got stuck underneath, I just touched it thinking about if I could, maybe I could but I did not think so.
I did not like looking up if the roof was near, so all ye saw was the sky. Ye felt funny and yer head, even if ye were dizzy. So if it happened I put my hand in between the pipe and the wall, twisting it. And my knee too. I could press it in better if it was a wee bit sideways. But still if I looked up at the edge of the roof a funny feeling started oh if my shoulders went back and my hands came loose, if that happened.
How could it? Except if somebody done it and pulled me back. An invisible ghost. But if it was a new building ye would not get ghosts, but a bad angel, if it was pulling up my fingers or just it was happening and nobody was doing it, just them themself, all popping out, pop pop and it all comes away.
I was seeing my fingers there and what like they were, no mine's. Whose were they? They were keeping me up. Imagine somebody pulled them up one by one. If it was one complete hand came off.
But I could do that easy Ye had to else ye could not climb. One hand on and one hand off, that was how ye done it. One touched down and the other came off. So for that wee split second, if none hand was holding the pipe. It could. Ye could just whizz it so none was touching. Just for one wee tiny toty wee second. So if ye did. And ye would not fall. How come?
Or if ye just leaned in tight, moved yer belly in or yer shoulders and yer head, just move right up close, and if ye done that then take yer hands away, if they were holding the pipe, take them away, because ye could, ye would not fall. Ye would not. No if ye had it right. Ye would still hold yer balance. I could. I did not need my hands, I could just climb even just with my knees and my feet, that was all I needed.
So then at the top, if I was underneath and the roof jutting over, so then I would just go back a wee way, just very very wee, reaching back behind my head, just putting up my hands to get a grip, maybe there was not a grip. But there would be. So my hands would get there onto the top and my body holding on below, so then if ye just pulled up a wee bit by bit by bit so then up ye come and yer body could just swing out a wee bit and coming up and so then what, getting on yer elbow and it would just be yer knees now, oh mammy, and ye were having to, oh mammy, I could not do it except maybe I could, if I could. If I could I could. My feet would be there and it would be just my knees, letting them go one by one if my elbow was on, if I got my elbow on because then I could do it and could take my weight, that was all I needed. Because ye could not just go to the wee pipe where it met the gutter because it was not a real pipe, it was just a bit of one where it joined the gutter and the ronepipe down, so if ye held on to it it would just come away in yer hand, the nails would pop and it was not welded, welded was like glued the gether so the two bits did not come open.
Oh I did not know, I did not know.
Most ones had went home already. It was just me and the boys now and ones from Primary 6. But the jannie was still there. He was standing then just marching a wee bit one way then the other. One time he came along and looked over at us but he did not say nothing. His arms were folded.
Oh I am going f*****g home, said Gary.
Are you doing it or no? said Podgie.
Oh I will do it another time, I said.
***
It was me had to switch channels on the television. I was nearest. I sat on the floor beside the settee and could just crawl over and do it. I liked sitting there. Ye did not see people and could just watch the telly even if it was a's**y bit. If it was just my maw and da, I would be there and the's**y bit was on and they would not say nothing and maybe even ye saw the woman's t*ts, if it was the shadows and they just sloped down if she was sitting and the man was looking and she is just sitting down and the man goes over to kiss her but then if he kisses her just where her front neck slopes down and that is her t*ts. I was waiting for my maw, Oh Kieron would you turn that over please.
But she did not say it. I waited to see. My da never said it. But ye just knew he wanted ye to do it. I used to. So a's**y bit came on, I just went and switched it over without them saying but if ye got a row. Oh what are you doing!
So now I did not. I just waited. Even the weest thing to do with it, the man just kisses her. Oh turn that over. So then I had to do it but no if they did not say it. But if it was going to happen, ye knew it was going to, oh darling darling. And if anything was dirty, just if it was's*x, that was worst of all. Oh it is dirty it is dirty.
I was just waiting to see because it was me to turn over, I always had to do it just because I was nearest, it was not fair.
My da just sat how he was sitting, no moving, with his newsp
aper there but he was no reading it. And my maw too, sitting how she was sitting, with her magazine. She read them when she watched the telly. I waited a wee minute more because if the's**y bit passed it would be okay. The man was kissing her.
But it was Matt, because he was there. They waited because of him, if he was not there my maw would have telled me already So now she said it. Oh Kieron would you please switch channels.
So I got up to do it.
Oh what are you sighing about? said my da.
I am no.
Yes ye are, if yer mother tells ye to do something you just do it.
I am doing it.
Aye well just do it and none of yer nonsense.
So I just done it and that was that. But Matt got up and left the room. He done that a lot. They did not like him doing it. My da was angry, ye saw how he was sitting. I sat back down beside the settee. I wanted to get out the way but I could not, if I moved an inch it was me too. I sat still, no moving a muscle and it went on. My maw kept her head down. Was Matt going to come back? So in the distance the plug got pulled, Matt coming out the bathroom, down the lobby and straight into the bedroom and the door shut. So ye knew that was him, he was not coming back. It was because they changed the programme. My da was angry. Matt doing it made them feel stupid.
Oh it is not family viewing, said my maw, if they know families are watching, why not put on something decent, not just dirty things.
Yes, said my da. It is b****y ridiculous what they get away with.
My maw made a wee noise but did not speak. She did not like swearie words or bad words. If he said b****y it was not a very bad one but if he did not say sorry. In my house if ye said a bad word ye were to say sorry. But he did not, my maw was huffy with him. She did not look at the television, only the magazine. My da was reading his paper so now it was only me watching. It was the news. After a wee minute my maw said, You can switch back now Kieron.
It was to see if the's**y bit had finished and it was on to something else. The worst was if the woman and man was in bed and it was worse's*x so ye just had to switch right back again. I done it without my maw saying. But now it was okay. Then Matt came back in. Sometimes he done this, just to see if we had switched back. But my da was still angry and it was against Matt. Oh he is just spoiling everything. That was what my da thought. Then he said, Oh Kieron is it raining?
So I had to go and look out the window. It was raining heavy.
I did not like it. If we were all against Matt, that was it, but I was not against him.
People were waiting. If somebody would talk to Matt or him to us. If my maw would. She did not care if people were not talking she would just say something. She thought what to say, but could not. My da would not speak and neither would Matt. And they would not look at anybody except if my da might look at my maw He gived her a big look so people knew he was doing it. But him and Matt did not look at each other. Then it was all quiet till a big sniff from my da.
But if I said something. If I wanted to I would, but I did not. If it was me with my da it would be worse. Matt did not get the same trouble. I would have got sent to the room if it was me. I even would get hit. If it was a argument, it would come to me. I would just be sitting out the road. It was not me but they made it me. All them just sitting like that. Oh Kieron it is time for bed. But it was not time. Matt was there and just sitting and it was him started it with leaving the room. It was not me done it but it was me got the blame.
I just waited and stayed beside the settee. No supper was made but I was not going to make it.
I did not talk but just sat. If I talked and done it ordinary I would get a row. Matt would not get it. He spoke the proper way He never got a row, he was the goodie. It was me was the baddie, even if it was him.
Ye just got sick of it, so if they were going to pick on me, I was not letting them, I just got up and went to the window then went straight out the door, and ben the kitchenette. It was raining heavy out the balcony. Out the front and out the back.
Then what I done I made the supper. That got them. Where did Kieron go. So they came in and here I was making the toast, and for them too.
That was me, I just went and done it.
If it was not me it was my maw. If I did not and she did not ye did not get any. Matt ett all what he got and so did my da but nothing else. They did not even rinse their cups. My maw done it or else left it till the morning. A lot of times I done it. If I was there and cups were lying, I just rinsed them. Maybe if the toast was on and I was waiting. I done any dishes. I did not care.
***
I had a plank under the bed and I kept money there. My maw did not go under the bed much except if she was brushing the floor. Sometimes she did that, getting angry, Oh the house is a complete pigsty, nobody does a stroke in this house. That was what she said. But if it was just me she said it to? That happened a lot of times. She got angry and it was only me there. My da was at work and Matt was not in. How come it was me? She was getting on to me, if I was lazy. That was not fair. I was the one that helped, so then ye got rows. How come she did not do it to Matt or else my da? It was me that helped with the tidying, no them.
So if I done something for somebody, that was the same. If I got a row for that. That was not fair. If it was a woman round our street maybe if she forgot her key and was locked out the house. She was down the back hanging out a washing. Then the front door slammed shut, Oh I am locked out I am locked out. Because she had forgot her key. That happened. So if I could climb the balcony for them. It was the boy or lassie came and asked ye, Oh Kieron my maw's locked out.
I was quick up the ronepipe and it was easy except it was wet ye had to watch it. But I aye wore sandshoes and got a good grip on the jaggy bits behind the pipe. Ye got yer hand more in it, tight, yer knuckles got scraped. But it was not sore. Ye did not notice till if it was bleeding but it was only a wee bit.
If it was just the wee top window open at the bathroom it was hard, ye had to reach across and it was just yer fingertips and ye were having to be just quiet and not hardly moving. Ye put yer hand through and reached down to get the handle for the big window. When ye done that ye were seeing down to the ground and there was the woman's face looking up at ye and her hand at her mouth, or if she was smoking a fag.
Then the big window open and I got in and my foot down on the toilet pan. But ye had to watch it there if ye kicked the top bit and it fell off. Sometimes I done a pee in the toilet before going out. Ye opened the front door and the woman came in then the wee children. I liked doing it. People looked up to ye. That was what I thought. And then ye got money. If she did not give any it was bad. It was because she forgot. I said it to the wee children, Oh tell yer maw did she give Kieron any money for climbing the balcony?
So then she sent them up with it. So if they chapped the door, I had to go and get it so my maw would not see. Oh if you are getting money. How come?
But the real worst was if the window was shut, if ye forgot to look before ye climbed. So all ye could do was go back down. And if ye ripped yer trousers, that was when ye did it. Oh you are always ripping yer trousers! That was a row off yer maw, she had to sew them up. I hid them and took them over to my grannie's.
But that was funny how people thought ye could still get in. The kitchenette door was locked and the windows all were shut and they still thought it. Ye climbed back down and they were looking at ye. Oh what is wrong? Why ye did not go in?
The kitchenette door is locked and the windows are shut.
Oh but could ye not open them?
But they are all shut, even the wee ones.
Oh ye got in the last time. Oh my man will kill me, oh I have got to make his tea, oh the baby is there, what will happen? Oh why can ye not go in?
So if it was my fault, that was what they thought, Oh he is not opening the door for me. But it was not my fault.
Then if ye got caught and yer da gived ye a doing. If they asked and my maw and da were there I did not do it. T
hey did not know I done it.
But if the people did not give ye any money. Some did not. Even ye told their children. They still did not. So how come they did not climb it themself if they thought it was easy and it was nothing? If ever they asked me again I would never do it, that was what I thought, I just would not do it and did not care who it was.
Except my grannie. But it would never be my grannie.
But what if it was my maw? If she was down at the midgie with the rubbish and forgot her key and that was her and she could not get back in the house? Oh Kieron I was just down at the midgie.
She did not say midgie it was midden. I was down at the midden and forgot my key and I am locked out.
Oh well it is not my fault if I am not to climb the ronepipe, da just gives me a doing.
Or else Matt, if he forgot his key. I might have climbed it for him but maybe he could do it himself. Maybe he could not. I never saw him climb the balcony. Maybe he done it when I was not there. Usually he was in the bedroom, swotting. My maw did not like me saying swotting, Oh it is studying. You should be studying as well.
We had a new teacher, Miss Halliday, and she was a true moaner. That was all she done. If ye were drawing in yer jotter and she catched ye doing it, Oh stop that drawing, jotters are not for drawing.
She only liked the top division and if ye were up in the high desks. Ye had to speak right all the time, Oh it is not cannay it is cannot, you must not say didnay it is did not. If it is the classroom it is not the gutter. It is the Queen's English, only you must speak the Queen's English.
I was in the top division but in the low desks. She did not like me. I sat beside James McCulloch now. He made a lot of smells and ye said it to him. Was that you?