by James Kelman
He waved out the window to me. I ran round the front of the lorry and shouted to the man, Oh mister! Mr!
Aye what is it son?
Any chance of a job?
Naw, sorry.
So that was me. He just drove away. I saw Gary the next time and he said, Tough luck, maybe ye will get one later.
He had fags and we smoked one. But I knew I would not get a job later. I would never get one. That was just me, if it was Fate, I did not f*****g care. I said it to Gary and he laughed but really it was no funny, it was all just hopeless, if ye thought about Gary and his brother and me and mine, and then if it was jobs or what ye had, what things happened to ye. People were lucky in their life with Fate but I was not. People got stuff. I never. Gary said, Oh if a job comes I will tell ye.
But I knew he would not, it was Podgie he would tell. I did not care. I did not care about Gary and them and just whatever, they could just do it, I did not care. Except if I had got the job. Imagine I did. If I did. I would just be f*****g shouting, shouting and laughing. If anybody saw me they would be looking. Oh what is up with Smiddy?
But I did not get a job. I would never. It would just be other ones. Then Mitch telled me about one he was getting. Mitch. He was even to get one. His big sister's boyfriend knew a man that drove a van to do with deliveries. He was talking for Mitch. Oh it is my big sister's boyfriend, he is talking for me.
He is talking for me. People said that for a job. So if ye were fifteen and could leave school, people talked for ye and ye got a job, or if it was yer apprenticeship, ye got yer apprenticeship, people talked for ye. My da said that too, Ye need somebody to talk for ye.
Nobody talked for him. He did not get a job. Then if he did it was no a good one. Oh I will join the Masons, that was what my da said. I telled my grannie and she said, Oh they will no let him in but they will let in you.
Because my granda was one. They would not let my da in the Masons but for me and Matt we could get in because we were blood. And then we would get a job easy. But only when we were twenty-one. It did not matter for milkboy jobs.
Just if somebody talked for ye. But they did not talk for me, just other ones. So there was Gary and now Mitch. People got stuff but I did not, I did not get stuff. Other people did. I did not. And if they got it they did not want it. That was even my brother. He got a job and then just chucked it after one week. People that wanted jobs did not get them, just them that did not.
Then it was Mitch! He was saying it too. Just how he did not fancy it. How come? What was he saying? He did not fancy the job. He might not even take it, if he got it, if the people gave him the job, he might no even take it. Oh but I might no take it. That was what he said. No take the delivery job. He was meaning that. He could get a job and was not going to take it.
Oh but Mitch, I said, it would be great.
Aye but.
Oh see if it was me!
Aye but I do not fancy it.
Oh f**k I would do it.
Aye but Smiddy ye have to go all the time. If ye do not they f*****g sack ye.
Do ye work Saturdays?
I do not know.
Oh Mitch take it.
Maybe.
Oh f**k it would be great. Getting yer own wages, it would just be yer own money. Oh ye have to do it.
Oh but Smiddy.
Oh no ye have to. Ye just have to. I would f*****g do it with ye.
Would ye?
Aye.
Well maybe I will.
Oh Mitch for f**k sake take it.
Well if you do it with me.
Oh of course, just of course, of course. Oh for f**k sake Mitch if it is a job! Oh f**k sake.
Mitch was laughing. You are f*****g mental ya c**t.
F**k sake Mitch.
I just ran hame after that but who to tell, nobody Nobody.
When ye walked to the subway from my grannie's street there was good shops for clothes and I was seeing them for if I got a job, just if I did and could save money. I would be able to. Then I could just buy my stuff. Great shirts, jeans, jerkins and trousers, casual shirts too and smart jackets, and denhim jackets. Just the best denhim jackets and that was what I wanted, one with big inside pockets and they would be great for keeping stuff and how they just looked good, I just liked them. My maw did not. She said I was not to get them. But if it was my money? I would just get them. I said it but she just got angry.
Matt laughed, Ye should not blab. You always blab.
I was just saying to her.
Yes but ye should not. Once ye get a job ye just go and do it, do not tell people. You tell people everything.
I do not.
Yes ye do. Just go and buy it.
But I cannot because I have no got any money.
Well what are ye talking about?
Just when I get a job.
Oh, okay.
It is a denhim jacket, a beauty.
A denhim jacket. Matt laughed. If ye wore that to school they would send ye home.
Oh well good.
Yes ye say that now.
I will say that all the time.
Okay.
I will say it all the time.
Good.
Imagine no letting ye wear a denhim jacket to school. That is just stupid.
Yes.
So if they send ye home for wearing one. I think I would wear it. Then if they sent me home, that would be good, I would be glad. So if ye got out of school, who wants to go there anyway. I would just wear it.
Matt shifted round on his seat at the desk so he would not see me. I was in bed and it was time for the light out but he was wanting to read more. I did not mind. But if I read a book I fell asleep. It was because it was schoolbooks. If I could just read an ordinary book. But if I did I still fell asleep. I was too tired. If I wanted to read a book I done it in the kitchenette so I stayed awake. Sometimes I read it in the living room but if the television was on my da did not like me doing it. He gave grumpy looks. How come, if I was just reading a book. What was wrong with that, if the telly was on. I did not tell him to turn it down. I did not care. I just read the book. My head went in it and I did not hear the telly. I did not care about it.
Matt thought the same as me, he never read in the living room. It was just dad, how he took things like that, as if ye were making him feel bad. I was not. I did not care if he watched the telly, I just wanted to read my book. The telly was boring, I did not care about it. In books ye got anything ye liked. But it was his telly, his and my maw's. She backed him up. Then he backed up her.
That was it with the clothes, because when I got a job. My maw went on and on about it. She did not like it because if I had money I could just do what I thought. So if it was to buy clothes, if it was my pay and my money, well I could just save up and spend it. I could buy what I wanted, if it was new jeans and a denhim jacket, so what. Oh it is just hooligan clothes, it is hooligans who dress like that. That was my maw.
But if it is my job and my money.
It does not matter.
If it is my money? Well if it is I can buy any stuff.
Kieron!
How no? If it is my money.
Do not be so daft, said my da.
But dad it is not daft. What if I am going to places like the pictures or else to a cafe? Even just walking about. I need my own clothes, outside clothes.
The police will lift ye if ye walk about looking like that, denhim jackets and jeans.
How come?
It is hooligan clothes.
How come?
Because ye are wearing them.
Aye but if I am no doing anything?
Ye know fine well what I mean.
Your dad is right. If you wear clothes like that then you are a boy from the streets, they are just street clothes.
Yes but mum if ye wear them on the street, so that is you on the street, so they are street clothes. What is wrong with that? They are not house clothes.
Do not be cheeky to yer mother.<
br />
I am no being cheeky.
Yes you are, said my maw.
No I am no.
No you are not.
No I am not.
Kieron do not be so cheeky.
I am no being cheeky.
You are not being cheeky.
I am not being cheeky.
Ye bloody well are, said my da. Ye are no too big for a skelp, just you remember that.
But I was too big for a skelp. My da would not have hit me. If he did I would just have done something, I would have done something, I do not know what. They could not do anything about my clothes, no if it was my money and I got it from my job, and I was going to.
Oh what about that nice boy? said my maw, I never hear you talking about him.
Who?
You heard, said my da.
That nice boy, said my maw.
I do not know who you mean?
He was in your Geography class.
Richard Carslake, said my da. My da always remembered his name. So did my maw, but she kidded on she did not. But it was Geometry and not Geography.
Are you still friends with him? said my maw.
No.
That is a shame.
Mum I was not friends with Motorpuddle, he is just a stupid boaster.
His name is Carslake and he is a nice boy.
Just because he is posh, that is how you like him. Ye have never met him.
Kieron do not be cheeky.
I am not being cheeky.
Yes you are.
I am not.
You are.
He just tells fibs all the time, just all stupid nonsense.
Oh do not talk like that, it is not nice.
Mum he is a snobby boaster and tells fibs. I am not pals with him. He is not pals with me and I am not pals with him.
Well who is yer pals? said my da.
Pardon?
You heard. Who is yer pals?
Well ye know them, I said, if it is my pals, Billy and Mitch and Peter and Gary, and Podgie.
My da looked at me then turned his head.
You know what your dad means, said my maw.
My pals?
If you have friends in school.
Oh.
But I knew that. My da was a snob too. He was holding up the paper, kidding on he was reading it. That was what he done. But he listened to everything. I did not say any names. They were not meaning my real pals, just ones from the good school. I went one time to Motorpuddle's house and they loved hearing about it. But it was just lies and stupid nonsense. It was to play football at a park near his house, a real football pitch. But there was not a game, he was just a snobby boaster and was lying. He stayed in a big house and his da did a good job. For my maw everything had to be posh. That was how she liked him and when I went up for him. Oh you will be a guest, you will need to act like one.
But mum it is just for a game of football.
Oh but if he takes ye into his house. You will have to behave properly. Do not say umnay didnay and willnay. Please do not. And say bathroom if it is the bathroom, do not say lavatory.
Ye might get yer tea, said my da. He was laughing. A big juicy steak with mushrooms and chips.
That was my da, all just food and dinners. It was stupid. Motorpuddle was a liar. Liar was a bad word in my house and ye could not say it. And if it was about him, oh they loved him. He stayed up an old building, one storey up with fancy walls and painted windows. It was the same as the one near the railway lane where they had grass out in the backcourt and wee flowers roundabout. Anybody could steal them. Grass was in the middle where the women hung out their clothes and inside the house it was all different and giant big ceilings. I had to take my shoes off and go into the lounge. It was him said it. Oh you will have to take off your shoes to go into the lounge.
My maw had to hear about it, lounge. His young sister was there and just lying on the carpet. His da was there too. His mother was out at the shops. Oh this is a friend from school.
His da shook hands with me. His young sister did not look up. I was to sit on the couch. Motorpuddle lied beside her. It was a children's picture on television about farm animals, they were owned by a farmer who did not like them and wanted to sell them to the butcher. Just a complete children's picture. There was a clock up on the mantelpiece. I was waiting for him to say about the football. It just went on and on. The end came and I got up to go to the toilet. He came to show me. I said, Are we going to play football?
No, there is not a game today.
How come?
Oh it is just cancelled.
There was not a game. It was all just stupid nonsense. He thought he was big because it was me, he thought he could do stuff and I would be too scared or what, just because he was posh and I was not, if I would not batter him, but I would have battered him, if he thought he could do things to me. I hated him and just showing off all the time. Other ones too. Then f*****g homework. I did not f*****g care about f*****g homework. They put their hand up to answer and said it if the teacher telled them. Oh please come out and demonstrate. It is triangles and two sides for the equation. They went out and done it because the teacher said it. Oh 6a equals x minus 1Z if it is multiplied by 2Z. The teacher gave them the chalk and they wrote it on the blackboard. Imagine doing that. Maybe Matt done it too, he was good at mathematics. I was glad, because I was not. So if he went to College, I was glad and if it was his desk, he could just take the desk, I did not want it, I was not going to College, I had my own pals.
***
I wanted my own delivery run. If the driver saw I was doing it good with Mitch, maybe he would give me one. I hoped that. He could do his and I could do mine so the two of us would have our money. It would be great, all just for yerself and what ye wanted to spend it on, ye could just spend it on anything. I needed the job. I needed it.
The deliveries went to people out in a new scheme. It was a big long walk over the field and up the hill and away round past the old Squatters' Camp, away way past. My da thought it was good but my maw did not, if it interfered with my lessons. But if it was two doing it we would just run round and get home fast and it would not interfere.
The man brought the deliveries to the corner of the first street. Ye filled yer bags and he gave ye the delivery sheets. Ye had yer own streets and yer own customers. Other boys had theirs. He gave ye the sacks to keep in the house. Ye were supposed to go home after school and get them to go back out again but I did not, I just took them to school and went straight to the job. Ye had to be there at twenty-five to five. He was waiting but only for five minutes. If ye did not come he went away and took stuff to other boys then came back at five to five. He waited five minutes again. If ye were no there that second time he did not come back till half past five. After that ye were finished and ye just had to go and see the boss.
The first day I got off the train from school and went straight from the railway station to meet the van. I had the delivery sacks inside my school bag. I had two and Mitch had two. But Mitch still had not come and the driver was waiting. He thought I was Mitch and was a wee bit angry Oh for f**k sake son, I cannot give ye nay f*****g parcels.
Oh but mister.
What is yer f****›g name?
Kieron Smith.
Kieron Smith. Are ye a Fenian b*****d?
No. I am Mitch's pal. We are doing the deliveries the gether.
Well I am f*****g sorry but I cannot give ye the f****rs. The boss goes off his head if ye do something like that. I was telled to give the stuff to a c**t called Mitchell. If you are not Mitchell ye do not f*****g get them.
Oh but that is Mitch, he is my pal. It will be fine, honest. He just went to get his sacks. I have got mines here.
I brought them out my school bag to show him.
Oh f**k. He took off his bunnet and scratched his head. His hair was all flattened down. He looked at his watch. F**k it, he said, and started giving me the parcels. I was putting them in my two sacks but then there
was no much room left. Oh for f**k sake, he said, and was looking at his watch. Where is that wee c**t?
He is just coming. If ye give me them I can carry them in the close and just wait for him. He will be here in a minute.
I cannot f*****g do that, I telled ye.
How no?
How no! What if some c**t f*****g robs ye?
Oh but they will not.
How do you know?
Oh because they would not. I would not f*****g let them. Oh mister come on, I can just wait for him.
The driver closed his eyes. He did not want to do it. But if I brought all the deliveries in the first close then he could just drive away and no have to come back again. So that was good for him. So he waited a wee minute then just done it. I stuffed the two sacks full and carried them into the close and walked back for the next load, just to carry them and put them beside the sacks. He shouted at me. For f**k sake man hurry up. And never you leave yer f*****g sacks lying about, there is aye some c**t watching. And it is you pays the losses.
What?
It is you pays the f*****g losses.
Me?
You, aye, who the f**k else? What do ye think the f*****g boss will pay it for ye! It is you. You pay.
But if it is not my fault?
What ye f*****g talking about man if you leave them lying, and some c**t lifts them! Of course it is your f*****g fault.
Aye but if I do not know?
Well ye f*****g should know, it is your f*****g deliveries.
Aye but.
Nay aye buts just do not let them out yer sight.
I carried all the parcels into the close and he tooted his horn and drove away. His name was Freddy and he was the worst swearer ever. I could not have told my maw. She would just have I do not know what. She would not have liked it. But he did not mind if ye swore back and ye were just to call him his name, Freddy Some adults did not like ye calling their name and if ye swore, even if they swore at you. And it was the same with fags, he did not mind if ye were smoking but just asked ye for a fag. You are too young to smoke, give it to me. But he did not like giving you one. But ye felt good working with him. He just talked to ye that way, oh man, f**k sake man f*****g c**ts.