New battery my ass.
When I finally made it back to Champaign that evening, I stopped at Best Buy and went through the process of getting a new phone. It took for-fucking-ever, but luckily they were able to recover all my pictures, videos, and even the missed voicemails and texts from the day. I checked them as soon as I got back out to the semi.
Hearing Ellie’s panicked voice as I listened to her messages had my heart hammering in my chest and, suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Ava had to go to the hospital?
It’d been a long time since I’d experienced real fear. The thought of Ava scared and in pain had me afraid. Terrified.
After starting up the truck, I drove straight to Ellie’s house. I pulled the rig up out front and noted that all the lights inside were off. It was almost 10pm, so it wouldn’t surprise me if everyone was asleep.
Still, I needed to talk to Ellie and make sure Ava was okay.
I dialed her number and after it rang several times, I almost thought she wasn’t going to pick up.
“Hello?” she answered, sounding sleepy.
“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I got your messages. Is everything okay?”
“Um, yeah.” I heard rustling like she was sitting up in bed. “Ava had to go to the hospital—”
“Yeah, I know,” interrupted impatiently. “Can you come down to talk?”
“You’re here?” she asked, sounding surprised and much more alert.
“I’m outside,” I told her as I hopped down from the truck. “Can you meet me on the porch?”
“I’ll be there in a minute.” She hung up and I waited, hopping up and down to warm myself from the cold night air.
When Ellie came out, she was bundled up in a gray oversized hoodie and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun. Those rainbow socks were pulled up to her knees. Her eyes were red-rimmed. She’d been crying.
I wanted to go to her—hold her and tell her everything would be okay—but everything about her body language was closed off. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood firmly planted by the door.
I broke the silence first. “What happened?”
“Ava tripped and hit her face on the coffee table,” she told me, rubbing her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to stay warm. “Her teeth went through her lip and she had to have stitches.”
I made a sound of frustration because I wasn’t here when she’d needed me. “I’m sorry. My phone died. Like, really died. I had to go get a new one.” I held up the phone, inwardly cursing at the one that let me down. “I got your messages and I came straight here. Is Ava okay?”
“Yeah, she’s okay now. She was amazing at the ER. I just let her watch cartoons on my phone while they sewed her up and she didn’t move an inch.”
I smiled, feeling proud. “She’s brave,” I said, then I noticed how tired Ellie looked. She didn’t just look exhausted, though. She looked beat-down. Sad. “Are you okay?”
“It’s just been a really hard day.” Her voice cracked, and it sounded like she was going to cry.
“Hey,” I said softly, moving forward and wrapping my arms around her. “Everything’s okay now.”
For a second she melted into me, laying her head on my chest. Her face rested in the hollow of my neck and she inhaled, running the tip of her nose over my skin. Her fingers curled into my shirt and she clung to me like she was trying to soak up all the warmth and comfort she could.
Then she pulled away and took a step back, putting distance between us.
“I don’t feel okay.” She rubbed at the skin on her thumb and even in the darkness, I could see the red, angry-looking blister she’d created.
A bad feeling came over me. “Why?”
She shook her head and sighed. “I think we need to talk, Colton.”
“Don’t,” I pleaded, already knowing where this conversation was headed. “Don’t do to this to me. Don’t do this to us.”
“We just really rushed into things. Maybe it was a bad idea for us to get romantically involved.”
I barked out a humorless laugh. “Too fucking late. Give me one good reason that we shouldn’t be together.”
“I can give you several reasons. One, I’m not good enough for you,” she stated, and I could tell she really believed that.
“That’s bullshit,” I grunted. “How can you say that?”
“This relationship started because I lied to you.”
“We forgave each other, remember? You forgave me because I stopped writing and I forgave you for lying. I’m not gonna hold that over your head—that’s how forgiveness works,” I told her. “And I don’t care how it started. We’re together now. That’s what matters.”
“Sometimes I’m selfish,” she said, continuing the list of complete nonsense. “And when you didn’t answer the phone today… I kind of freaked.” She grimaced. “I guess I didn’t realize until recently how deep my trust issues went—how messed up in the head I am. I mean, I went bat-shit. I think I left you, like, four voicemails.”
“Six,” I corrected her, and she made an exasperated sound as her hands flew up to her face.
“Oh, my God,” she breathed out, obviously embarrassed by the excessive messages. “You deserve to be with someone who trusts you. I’m too needy.”
Counting off on my fingers, I began my rebuttal. “You don’t trust me? I haven’t given you any reason not to. You’re a stage-five clinger? Bring it on. I don’t want you to change. You think you’re selfish? Well, sometimes I’m bossy as fuck. We all have our faults, Ellie.”
“I come with a lot of baggage. You’re basically dating a single-mom-stripper. I’m a real winner,” she said with a huff, and seeing Ellie tear herself down like that was starting to piss me off.
“Let’s get one thing straight—Ava is not baggage. I would never see her like that,” I said, my hand slashing through the air as the anger I was trying to contain came to the surface. I knew the things that asshole said to her the other day got under her skin, and I would say whatever I could to erase it. “You’re beautiful. You make me laugh. You make me happy.” I ran a hand over my head in frustration. “And, for the record, I don’t give a fuck about your job. Hell, that’s how we got together in the first place.”
I looked at Ellie, arms crossed over her chest and a stubborn glint in her eyes. I wasn’t sure what else I could say to get through to her. We stared at each other for a few seconds before she spoke again.
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she said quietly, hanging her head. “This isn’t your issue, Colton. It’s mine.”
“It’s not you, it’s me?” I asked with disbelief. “Are you seriously using that line on me right now?” With my hands on my hips, I let out a humorless laugh. “What’s next? You’ll tell me you think we should still be friends?”
“I do want to keep being friends…” she said weakly, and I scoffed.
“It’s not a bad thing to need someone as long as they’re willing to be there for you. I’m here,” I said vehemently, spreading my arms wide. “Be selfish. Be needy. Be bat-shit crazy. Whatever you are, I’ll still want you.”
She made a frustrated noise and turned away from me. “I thought I could do this. I thought I could be with you, but I can’t.”
“Where is this coming from?” I asked, knowing there was something she wasn’t telling me. “I’m so fucking confused right now. All these excuses you’re giving me? I’m not buying it. What’s this really about, Ellie?”
She took a deep breath and I knew she was preparing to tell me the real reason for whatever the hell was happening right now.
“I started my period today,” she said, and the random statement caught me off-guard. I raised my eyebrows, because that was the last thing I expected her to say. Was this some kind of raging episode of PMS? Ellie turned to face me and she continued. “I know that might seem like a weird thing to tell you. But I was four days late and I thought I was pregnant.”
I stood there stunned
and speechless, because the image of her with a swollen belly—a belly that held my child—flashed through my mind. And I wanted that. I wanted that more than I’d ever wanted anything.
Suddenly, it made sense why she was losing it. As I looked at Ellie, I saw the fear in her eyes and I knew the reason why she was so scared.
“I’m not an asshole,” I told her, my voice raspy from emotion. “I would never leave you the way he did. You deserve happiness and I want to be the one to give it to you.”
“And you deserve to be with someone who believes you,” she said in a whisper and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
Seconds of silence ticked by, neither of us knowing what to say.
“What do you want?” I asked, feeling helpless. “I don’t know what else I can do.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I just need some time to think. Maybe we should take a break.”
Oh, hell no. She’d just pulled out every excuse and cliché in the book. Those words guaranteed a swift death to any relationship. Not gonna happen.
“I’m not letting you break up with me,” I said stubbornly. “You know that Seinfeld episode where the woman refuses to let George end their relationship? Well, this is kind of like that.”
Ellie’s face scrunched up in confusion, causing a tear to glide to the side of her nose. “What do you mean you’re not letting me break up with you?”
I stepped forward until I had her pinned against the side of the house. “I love you and I’m not letting you go.”
Another tear fell. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“It does for me. I’ll give you some space. Give you a few days to think about it. But just know that this isn’t over.”
Using my thumbs, I wiped away the wetness on her face before gently pressing my mouth to her trembling lips.
Pushing away from the blue siding I backed away from Ellie, hating the way we were leaving things up in the air. I turned to walk away but stopped.
Looking over my shoulder, I had one last thing to say. “Tell Ava I’m proud of her for being brave today.”
Snow started to fall as I made my way across the front lawn, and my heart actually hurt. It felt like someone took a sledge hammer to my chest. I took deep breath, trying to relieve the tightness around my ribcage.
“Colton, wait,” Ellie sobbed and I stopped. “Three…”
I whipped back around. “Fuck that, Ellie. I’m not saying goodbye to you.”
“Three,” she insisted with a huff, stomping a rainbow-colored foot. More tears fell down her face and it was killing me to see her so upset.
“We’ll say goodnight,” I compromised, because I could see she was hanging by a thread, “but I’m not saying bye. Okay?” I asked and she nodded. “Two.”
“One,” she whispered.
“Goodnight,” we both said quietly.
And then I walked away.
The next few days kept me busy. Between work, classes, and taking care of Ava, I didn’t have time to think about much else. And I was thankful for that.
Unfortunately, thinking was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. That was the whole point of telling Colton we needed to take a step back from our relationship, but every time I pictured my life without him in it, it was too painful to bear.
During work, I got lost in the music. At class I buried myself in papers and tests. And at home, I soaked up every snuggle, hug, and ‘I love you.’
Nighttime was the hardest. In those quiet minutes before I slipped into sleep, my thoughts and feelings wanted to take over. I did my best to push them away.
Staying true to his word, Colton gave me space. I was both relieved and disappointed by that. Even though I didn’t hear from him all day, each night I couldn’t resist sending him a goodnight text. And he always responded.
Through a blur of tears, I typed out the message on the glowing screen.
Me: Three
Colton: Two
Me: One
Colton: Goodnight
Me: Goodnight
Bright sunlight came through the open window and the white curtains blew in the steady breeze. A butterfly flew into the room, fluttering around before it decided to land on the bouquet of daisies on the nightstand.
“Don’t you just love butterflies?” Mom said softly as she stared at the orange and black pattern on its wings.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I really do.”
I didn’t have to look around to know where I was, but my eyes wandered over the room anyway. Wooden desk shoved into the corner. Hospital bed on the far right wall. And my mom—fragile and weak, with bright blue eyes.
In the back of my mind I knew this was a dream, but I didn’t want to wake up.
Not yet.
“Come on over, baby.” Mom patted the place beside her. “What’s got you looking so down?”
I closed the distance to the bed and, when I sat down, I realized I wasn’t a kid in this dream—my body barely fit on the edge of the mattress. As I glanced down, I realized I was wearing my auto shop coveralls.
Meeting my mom’s eyes again, I realized she was still waiting for my answer.
“Girl troubles,” I told her with a half-smile and a shrug.
“Ah,” she said, nodding her head in understanding. “Brielle beat you at thumb war again, huh?”
Being careful not to jar the IV, I covered her hand with mine and gave her a rueful smile. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”
“The most popular relationship cliché in history.” She smirked, adjusting the pink stocking cap on her head.
I shrugged, not knowing where to start or how to explain. “I’m in love. It’s not just Ellie, though. I’ve got two girls who own me right now.”
“A love triangle? That sounds scandalous,” she teased. “I thought you were a one-woman kind of guy.”
“I am.” I huffed out a laugh. “Ava is Ellie’s daughter. She’s so awesome, Mom. You’d love her.”
Reaching out, she ran her hand over my short hair. “My handsome boy. All grown up. What you and Brielle have is special,” she said, repeating the words she’d said in this dream so many times before. “Something really extraordinary.”
I smiled, finally understanding what she meant. She knew all along that Ellie and I would end up together. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it.”
“Don’t ever give up on something just because it’s hard.” She sighed as another spring breeze came through the window. “I think I could use a nap. Would you like to lie down with me? I haven’t had my little-man cuddles yet today.”
This wasn’t how the dream was supposed to go. She was supposed to give me advice, tell me the meaning of life. I wanted to keep asking questions, keep pressing for answers.
But she looked tired so I just nodded, deciding to take comfort in my mom for as long as I could.
When I swung my legs up onto the bed, I realized I was six years old again. Being smaller allowed me to lie next to her, and I rested my head on her stomach.
“And she loved a little boy very much…” Trailing off, she struggled to take a breath. “Even more than she loved herself.”
I recognized the paraphrased line. It was from ‘The Giving Tree’ by Shel Silverstein, Mom’s favorite children’s book.
“I love you, too, Mom,” I whispered against her soft floral nightgown.
Waking up with a start, realization hit me hard and fast. That was it—those were the words I never got to hear her say in the dream, the words I couldn’t remember. They weren’t profound or life-changing. It had nothing to do with my current predicament.
She was simply telling me that she loved me.
And it was enough. After all these years, it felt so good to finally remember some of my mom’s last words. While it made me happy, I’d never missed her more than I did right now.
Sighing, I checked my phone, hoping to see something from Ellie, but there was nothing new.
Ellie: Goodnight
&nb
sp; I stared at her last text, fighting the emotions warring inside my body. Throughout the day, I had to physically restrain myself from calling her, texting her, going to her.
And now, I wanted nothing more than to hear her voice. My thumb hovered over the call button for a few seconds, but I decided against it. Waking her up in the middle of the night wasn’t going to do me any favors, and I needed all the help I could get.
I was serious when I told her I refused to let her go.
Ellie was it for me.
Every single part of my body recognized her as my other half. My mind. My heart. Hell, even my dick.
I rubbed at my sternum, trying to ease the hollow ache in my chest as I thought about the other night.
The fact that Ellie thought she wasn’t good enough for me blew my mind. She’d given me the longest list of break-up reasons ever, and all of them were complete bullshit. Well, all except the pregnancy thing. Given her past experience, her fear about that was legit.
I hated that she was so scared, that life taught her to be this way. Even more, I hated the fact that I had anything to do with it in the first place. I couldn’t change the past, couldn’t take back what happened when we were kids.
Childhood-Ellie had been fearless. I never would’ve admitted it to her then, but she was way braver than me.
Trying to stay optimistic, I told myself that maybe tomorrow would be the day she changed her mind.
I exited my texts, and the little coloring book apps stared back at me. On a whim, I went to my pictures. I had no idea what made me do it—I never used my camera—but what I saw had me grinning. Apparently, Ava had figured out how to use it.
Selfies. Dozens of them.
Smiling. Tongue sticking out. Fish face.
I could see the straps of the car seat over her shoulders and I recognized the blue Disney shirt she had on. It was the same shirt she’d been wearing the day we went to Indiana. Apparently, she’d been taking pictures instead of coloring.
No wonder she was so quiet back there.
Swiping my finger across the screen, I went from one to the next. Some of them were off-center. A close-up of her eye. A mass of light brown hair.
The Good Guys Box Set: TRUCKER, DANCER, DROPOUT, and A Trucker Wedding Page 43