by Alexa Davis
The cheers from the audience were almost deafening, as she cracked the whip and charged the judges table, and I crossed my fingers as she skidded to a stop, cracked the whip one last time, and flipped the switch on the wings. I could feel the grin spread across my face until my cheeks hurt, but the roar from the full auditorium was dialed to a twenty as the wings spread out at her shoulders and she glared out over the audience.
Shelby grabbed my arm, tugging at it and pointing as a few members stood, then a few more until my goddess was staring out at a full house standing ovation. C.J. took it in stride and never broke character, standing a little taller, pushing her shoulders back, and releasing the wings to their folded position. She bowed at the shoulder, like a queen or an appeased goddess, then sprinted toward us at stage right and at the last second leaped into the air.
I was close enough that as she landed she fell into my arms, laughing. I gasped and stared at her, the stupid grin wiped off my face, replaced with utter horror.
“You could’ve broken your neck,” I hissed at her as she laughed.
“Well, I saw you, and I thought, ‘Hey, he can catch me,’ and I jumped. I bet it looked awesome to the audience and judges.” She frowned at me. “You aren’t supposed to be back here anyways, so you can’t complain.”
I kissed her chastely on the lips to spare her makeup and let her drop the last couple of inches to the floor. She brushed her hands over her bodice and shorts and winked at me.
“I have never seen a reaction like that before, not even when I suspended myself above the stage,” she panted, clapping her hands quietly. “I didn’t tell you this, but I had to show a stage hand my tits to get him to lift me for that show. What a rip-off.” She frowned, then glanced at me, wide-eyed.
“I’m not even surprised that all you had to do was show him those lovely breasts of yours,” I shrugged. “I’d have done it too.”
C.J. grimaced. “Well, that and twenty bucks.”
Shelby laughed so hard she had to brace herself against a wall. “Oh, C.J., I don’t even know what to say,” she gasped, wiping her eyes. “After this morning, I needed that. Speaking of which, did they say anything about Lacy?”
C.J. shook her head. “Ray came around and mentioned that she was no longer here, like, at all. I don’t know if we’ll see her again, or if she’s gone for good.”
I sighed. “It would be nice to just know, one way or the other, so I can start planning boobytraps for any future costumes, but I guess they wanted to minimize the disruption to the competition by just not bringing her up.”
C.J. nodded and reached out for my hand. “I love that you care, truly care, and aren’t all words and hot air.”
I gripped her hand and swallowed hard. That was the closest to an “I love you” that I’d ever got from a girl, and even though I knew what she meant, it still made my chest tight.
“Oh, C.J., you’ve got him blushing!” Shelby teased, as she winked at me. “I don’t think the cowboy is used to compliments. Everyone just expects him to be a genius and take care of them. She glanced at my face and stopped grinning. “Well, shit. Jackson, I bet all the people you take care of know that you’re amazing, people can just be shitty and selfish sometimes.”
I shrugged it off, but the high of what I was certain was a sure-win for C.J. faded under their scrutiny. I waved to Ray, the only security guy I knew, and he came over and shook C.J.’s hand.
“That. Was. Awesome,” he told her as he vigorously pumped her hand up and down. “Good job, girl.”
She thanked him and delicately removed her hand from his grasp.
“Sorry. What did y’all need, aside from me taking poor C.J.’s hand off,” he laughed.
“How much longer until she gets called back out? Do I have time to get her something to eat?” I rubbed her shoulder, careful to only touch the leather, not the makeup on her skin. “Today hasn’t been the best for organization, and with everything that happened, she hasn’t had anything except a shake this morning.”
Ray started and stared at C.J. in disapproval. “We’ve had this talk before, C.J.,” he chided her. “She has maybe twenty minutes, between the last couple competitors and the judges’ decision. You don’t worry about it though. You guys wait here, and I’ll go grab her something. We have all kinds of bars and protein shakes in our breakroom, someone will have an extra.” He backed away and pointed at C.J. “You know I got you, girl. Just hang tight.” He nodded at me and I returned it, then he disappeared around a corner, and we returned to our nervous huddle.
“Thanks for thinking of food. I was afraid you guys would get mad if I asked, but my stomach is minutes away from a coup.”
Shelby held one hand and I took the other. “You are such a nerd for thinking we’d be more worried about having to go get you food than we would be about you passing out from hunger,” she scolded.
“Oh, I could go another full day without actually passing out from the hunger,” she chuckled. “Don’t ask,” she added when I raised an eyebrow at her.
Seconds ticked by like hours, and backstage in little pockets, cosplayers and their teams clustered together almost silently, nearly identical anxious looks on every face. C.J. nibbled on the organic, vegan, body-balanced protein bar Ray brought for her, and I wished for a beer or three, promising myself something high in grease and low in nutrition when it was all over.
Just as we were all at our breaking points, the MC came over the system to bring the contestants back to the stage for the awards. C.J. kissed my cheek and gave Shelby a half hug, then took her place in line. By the time she had stepped onto the stage, Shelby was glued to my side, her knuckles white with the grip she had on my hand.
25. Carina
The lights were hot and bright against me, but my skin was so cold I was afraid I’d start shivering in the lineup. I felt the absence of the skinny little redhead who had decided I was her nemesis more than I cared to admit. I’d been pulling for her, and rebuffed at every turn, but I just couldn’t hate her. She was a child in a room full of adults playing a child’s game, and still losing. My heart broke for her standing on that stage, waiting with all the best up and coming talents in our industry, to be weighed and measured by the seasoned greats.
The honorable mention went to an older couple who had beautifully portrayed an aged Reed Richards and Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four, and I clapped along with everyone else, glad to see they were recognized. As another Batman won third, I looked down at the hand that Lacey had held so tight at the last competition. She had wanted it so badly, and she’d been shut out. Of course she hated me. Why would she waste time hating third place? All she had wanted was to win.
Now, I was sweating through my chills, and the protein bar I’d choked down for Jackson’s sake was fighting its way back up my throat. I clenched my jaw and focused on the presenter as he congratulated a newcomer on her rendition of Jean Grey, in a throwback costume to the original series. The crowd cheered and I managed to clap along, too afraid to open my mouth to cheer.
I felt a hand on my back and glanced over, half expecting to see Lacey there, nervous, and hopeful. Instead, Yaya Han put her arm around me and forced me to step forward, and with her arm still around me, flipped the switch on my wings, causing them to open behind us.
“I just had to know what that felt like!” She shouted into her microphone. “Her costume may have been dangerously unconventional, but her rendition of War Angel was flawless, with one exception. War Angel didn’t have wings.” The crowd booed her, and she waved them silent again. “It was that departure from the original that allowed people to connect with the character, and made her memorable. By deviating from the original, my friend and student,” she paused while the crowd erupted in screams and cheers that made my knees jelly and my heart pound against my ribcage like a drum, “by flipping the script, she made people want to know more about the character. She made people go to Google to learn more.” She turned to me and whispered. “War Angel is trendin
g because of you, did you know?” I shook my head and she continued. “C.J. Rivers is War Angel, and War Angel is the winner of the top honors in the Gamercon Cosplay Competition!” Her voice crescendoed as she spoke until she was shouting above the screams and cheers of the fans in the audience.
I wavered on my feet and felt the strength in her small hand as she held me upright, as the presenter held out a trophy and an envelope. The trophy was my favorite, a play on the Oscar, with a feminine humanoid shape, toting a gun belt and, as a bonus, a set of wings unfurled at her back.
I held the trophy up as the camera zoomed in on it, and the audience went absolutely berserk. The screaming and stomping were so loud my head was ringing, and the nausea that threatened to undo what little I’d eaten forced me to take only shallow breaths through my nose, as I clenched my jaw hard and tried to stay upright.
Yaya waved to the crowd and rushed me offstage just as I lost control and vomited behind the curtain. Strong hands grabbed me under my arms and held me up while I dry heaved until my legs collapsed and I was helped down the stairs to sit on a backless stool. A cold, damp cloth was placed on my head, and I leaned into the broad chest behind me, knowing without looking that it was Jackson who held me steady and saved me from falling.
Voices were speaking around me, but between the shaking chills and nausea, I couldn’t force myself to focus on whether they were talking to me. I let Jackson hold me until the shaking subsided, and breathed into the paper bag that someone gave me, grateful that it only smelled slightly of oranges, and not something more odious. I’d once had a fainting spell while modeling, and the bag had contained tuna fish salad before I’d used it.
I pushed my nose deeper into the bag and inhaled the clean, tangy citrus until my head began to clear. I sat up slowly and turned to look at Jackson, who was watching me so intently, and holding me so carefully I thought I’d turned to glass without realizing it.
“How you doing, Gorgeous?” he asked quietly.
I sighed and took mental stock of my stomach and head. The heaving swells had faded to minor turbulence, and I braved a small nod, happy when the world stayed in its upright position. “I’m doing better. Should I have checked the expiration date on that protein bar?”
Jackson kissed the top of my head, and warmth spread from his lips to my face and neck. “No. if I were a doctor, and obviously, I’m not so don’t get mad at me for saying this; but if I were a medical professional, I’d probably call this a textbook panic attack.” He kissed me again. “I’ve seen a few of those in my time.”
“You get panic attacks?”
“No, but they’re pretty common among the ‘Under twenty and already getting my Master’s crowd,” he assured me. “You went through a whole lot in a short time, and you didn’t get a chance to process it in a healthy way.”
I sighed and looked around me. A stagehand was just finished cleaning where I’d been sick, and Yaya was watching me from a distance with Shelby. I held up my hands, and they weren’t shaking anymore, but I still felt cold, anywhere that Jackson wasn’t touching me.
“Sorry Yaya. I don’t know what happened,” I admitted. “I feel like my body is in shock, or I have hypothermia. This isn’t normal performance anxiety for me.”
“Of course, it isn’t. I know you better than that,” she reminded me. “But, even if it was just nerves, it would still be okay. No one is perfect, and I don’t expect you to be made of stone.” She crouched next to where we were sitting and touched my arm, drawing back with a gasp at how cold I felt.
“You really are in shock, aren’t you?” Shelby asked, even as she threw a sweater over my chest and tucked it in to the brace that held the wings on.
Jackson helped me to my feet, and together, the three of us made our way to the dressing station, while Yaya peppered Jackson with questions about how much I’d been eating, if I’d been working out too hard, and even how much sleep I was getting. Jackson answered questions I hadn’t even realized he’d been paying attention enough to know the answers to. He multi-tasked while answering her, carefully removing my wings and hanging them on a nearby mannequin.
Even Ray came around to check on me as Shelby and Yaya peeled my clothes off me, and Jackson brought me the sweatpants and tank top I’d arrived in. Jackson started to protest the other man in the room as I changed, but I shook my head. Ray placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a light squeeze, then rubbed his shoulders while he asked how my guy was holding up. Jackson raised his eyebrows at me, his mouth a round “O” of sudden and uncomfortable understanding, before he gently assured my friend that we both were okay, and sidestepping just out of arms’ reach, thanked him again for his help earlier.
“Anything I can do for my girl C.J., I’m on it,” Ray promised. He left to get a cart for my bags and costumes, and Shelby started to remove the wig and makeup.
“What about pictures and press release?” I gasped. “Yaya, I have to get back in costume.” My mentor shook her head.
“We have lots of pictures of you in costume. You go ahead and get out of makeup, I’ll send a pair of jeans down, and we’ll just do the exit interview whenever you’re ready.” She thought for a moment and smiled. “I think the juxtaposition of you in costume, to you with no makeup at all will be a nice touch,” she added. “But, no sweatpants. I’m disappointed that you even wore those here today.” Jackson cleared his throat and I felt a blush creep up my neck and cheeks.
“We were, ah, running just a little behind this morning,” he chimed in, in my defense.
“Gross,” she grimaced. “Just, just don’t say anything else. I’ll get you a pair of pants or something.” She air-kissed both my cheeks and strode off on her mission to make me interview appropriate.
Jackson held my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles, a habit I’d noticed when he was worried about me, or when he was thinking. It only took a minute of that gentle rhythmic touch on the back of my hand before I had all but forgotten how sick I’d felt on stage. I had to admit to myself that, once again, Jackson was probably right, and I’d let my anxiety get the better of me. It was a bitter pill to swallow, that I’d choked at the exact moment of my biggest victory and most important life success.
Ray touched the earpiece in his ear and took off with a small wave, only to return within a couple of minutes with a micro-mini skirt in denim, and a button-down shirt. I put them on and Shelby finished altering my makeup and brushing out my hair, but it had been wound up so long it looked like a corkscrew coming out of the back of my head.
Instead of brushing it out more and turning it into a thick, frizzy halo around my head. Shelby pinned it back up and put it back under the blue wig with the bobbed haircut. I looked in the mirror. Gone were the perpetually furrowed eyebrows and pursed, thin lips. I was gazing at the reflection of a woman with strong features and cheekbones, who knew what she wanted and went for it.
I loved competing, but each time I did, win or lose, it seemed harder for me to immerse myself in the love of the craft. I wanted to cosplay until Jackson and I were the old couple on the stage, still making beautiful designs and selling them at a premium to young upstarts like Lacey and the next generation of C.J.s. Jackson made me feel that again. Allowing him into the part of my life no man had ever entered was the best part of the whole damn competition. I would give back the trophy and the check that was in the envelope, another twenty thousand, to be exact, to go back to the hours we spent together in my costume room, working together while he sang country songs under his breath (mostly).
I glanced at Shelby, who was watching me with a thoughtful expression. She raised an eyebrow and scoffed, as though she knew exactly what I was thinking. That drum beat resounded in my chest again and I stole a peek at Jackson out of the corner of my eye. He was chatting with Ray, completely unconcerned now that he knew I was going to be okay. I met Shelby’s eyes again and shook my head, and she smiled in sympathy.
“Glad you’re finally figuring it out, Sweetie,” she
said gently as she brushed imaginary flecks off my shoulder and patted stray hairs into place. “I hope I get to see the look on his face when he realizes you’ve caught up to him.” She paused, then corrected herself. “No. Scratch that. Ew, gross, I just got a mental image of exactly what will happen when he knows you love him as much as he loves you. I cannot unsee that.”
I laughed and shook my head. He hadn’t said anything about love. He had a plan, and he’d already let me change it more times than I would’ve if our situations were reversed. There was no way he felt the way I did. I glanced back at him, laughing, and comparing biceps with Ray. No, this feeling was mine alone. But I was going to do everything in my power to make him see that I was exactly what he needed. Somehow.
26. Jackson
Carina won, but she was so sick from the stress of the break-in and my visit and her big debut, there had been no chance to celebrate or feel good about the amazing thing she’d accomplished. I gave her and Shelby some space, as Shelby took extra time to get her put back together and calmed her down. Every different look that she wore seemed to turn her into a different person, but when she was home and she took it all off, she was all mine again.
I checked her out in the blue wig. She was every geek’s fantasy: a hot, nerdy chick who could build a computer, did her own leatherwork, and could lead a raid on the enemy capitol, cussing with the best of them. I nudged Ray, who was doing his best to keep an eye out for trouble, without letting his worry for C.J. get the best of him.
“What are the chances that the gaming world would let me claim that girl in public?” I asked, laughing as Ray’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline.
“Show me them guns again,” he replied, flexing his arm. I did, and he laughed. “Well, you are big enough for them to pause before calling you out. Can you play a first-person shooter?”