That Thing Called Love

by Susan Andersen

  He cried out and thrust deep; then he, too, came with a deep, primal groan. After a moment he slumped heavily atop her.

  Where he lay ominously still and quiet.

  Crap, she mentally lambasted herself. You just couldn’t keep it to yourself, could you? She opened her mouth to backtrack, to assure him it was only heat-of-the-moment sex talk. But she bit back the words.

  Because, dammit, it wasn’t.

  She did love him. God knew she hadn’t gone looking for it, but she did. She’d loved before, of course; she adored Austin and Tasha. But she hadn’t been sure she believed romantic love between a man and a woman was more than a word that people flung around and businesses used to sell their products. She’d certainly never seen proof of it up close and personal.

  And in truth, it didn’t resemble the romantic legends that books and movies hyped. For instance, this was no love at first sight. Her love had built over the course of their acquaintance, given impetus by Jake’s actions, as a father, as a man, and strengthened by the character she hadn’t expected him to possess but which she’d delighted in watching him unveil a little more each day.

  So, yes, she loved him. Period, end of story. Damned if she’d trivialize it just to spare them an awkward moment.

  He pushed up on his elbows and smoothed her hair back from her face. “We need to talk.”

  His expression was carefully noncommittal, and her heart took a nosedive. But what could she do but nod and say, “Okay.” Still, she didn’t have to be completely passive. She raised her hands to his shoulders to push him back. “Move.”

  “Huh?”

  “I need you to get off me. Given your no-expression expression, I believe I’d like to be dressed to hear this.”

  He pulled out of her and rolled to his feet to stand alongside the bed. Apparently not suffering from the self-consciousness she abruptly felt, he stood with his legs braced apart and his long-fingered hands propped on his hips. He opened his mouth to speak, but not wanting to be gently let down while she was buck naked, she shook her head at him, then climbed from the bed, as well.

  “Hey, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” he protested as she located her panties and pulled them on. She found her bra in a different location, her sweater in yet another and had to search a moment to track down her Levi’s, which Jake had apparently tossed over the end of the bed. The comforter had slipped off sometime during their lovemaking and pooled atop them.

  With each article she located, she felt a little more armored. Finally she faced him, her own expression as neutral as his as she watched him swipe his own pants up off the floor. Stepping into them, he pulled them up his legs and zipped up, but left the waistband button unfastened.

  She took a deep breath. “Okay. Let me have it.”

  Jake had been giving the matter a great deal of thought since his talk with Austin, and it wasn’t a bad thing. Hell, if you asked him, he was about to be downright noble.

  So why was his stomach so jittery and his heart doing the jungle-drum thing again?

  It didn’t help that his assurance had fallen on deaf ears. Jenny stood on bare feet that struck him as unaccountably vulnerable, with one hip cocked and her arms folded over those little cupcake breasts of hers. Giving him the stink eye.

  Making him feel that he was in the wrong.

  Anxious to change that, he shifted slightly. Cleared his throat. “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought in the past couple days,” he said slowly. “And I came to the conclusion that the right thing to do is leave Austin here with you.”

  Knowing how close she was to Austin, he kind of expected her to be thrilled. She didn’t look it, though. In fact, her eyes narrowed between dense, dark lashes and her lips tightened.

  Her silence unnerved him. “Look, I admit I didn’t think it through real well before, okay?” God, he hated the idea of acknowledging the plan he’d always had in mind. He knew, though, that it was the only way she’d understand. “My work takes me away for chunks of time—and he’d be left in a strange city with nothing but a companion.”

  “You’re going right back to work?”

  He shifted again. “I have to—and sooner rather than later. I’ve already turned down two jobs, and my editor’s been calling every damn day.”

  She simply looked at him and his defenses rose. He raised his brows at her. “What? You didn’t expect me to give up my job, did you?” He flashed her a smile edged with an amusement he didn’t feel.

  She returned one edged with a contempt he was pretty damn sure she felt right down to her bones. “No, I didn’t,” she said with stone-cold composure. “But neither did I expect it to be an all-or-nothing proposition. For instance, I’d totally get you leaving Austin with me for the summer, then arranging for a block of time when the new school year starts in New York, so you can be there to help him acclimate. That would give him time to make a new friend or two, so he’d have more support in place than just a companion when you have to travel. But this—you blowing him off after you made him fall in love with you—that I don’t get at all.”

  It was such a good, logical plan—and one that had never once occurred to him. The additional guilt over his failure put his back up even further.

  But he was a pro at slapping on an ask-me-if-I-give-a-rat’s-ass face. He’d had years of practice, after all, and he donned one now. Then subjected her to a slow up-and-down for good measure. “Are we still talking about Austin, Jenny? Or you?”

  His chest hurt when she flinched. But he had to hand it to her—she didn’t let it slow her down. Not from the first day they’d met had she let anything do that, he acknowledged with an odd pride.

  She returned his sin-on-a-stick once-over with interest before looking him in the eye. “Oh, are you acknowledging that I said the L word? And here I thought you were going to ignore it to death. Sorry to disappoint you if I’m supposed to be embarrassed by it, but I try to own my feelings.” Her face softened slightly. “I’d sure like to know why you’re in such denial about yours.”

  His heart pounded, pounded, pounded and he forced a laugh. “What? You think I’m in love with you?”

  “I was actually talking about Austin—I think you love that kid with every fiber of your being. But for some reason it makes you all—I don’t know—tense and twitchy and scared spitless.”

  “I’m not afraid of anything!” He couldn’t deny the tense and twitchy, though.

  “I’m sure you aren’t...when it comes to your average physical threat. But I’m talking about the emotional stuff, Jake. About the connection—to Austin, to me—and the idea of commitment. I bet those scare you right down to the ground. And you know what?” She planted her feet apart as if bracing herself. “I do believe you have strong feelings for me.”

  He rubbed at the squeezing pain in his chest. Jesus, was he having a heart attack? He was proud, however, of the amused tolerance he essayed when he drawled, “Do you, now?”

  “Yes,” she said with exaggerated patience. “I do. But if I’m mistaken?” She gave a slight shrug. “Well, hey, I’m a grown-up, I’ll get over it.”

  Her voice hardened. “I wish I could say the same for Austin. That might have been possible if you hadn’t already told him you wanted him with you—” She broke off, shaking her head. “But you did, and there’s no unsaying it.” She met his gaze head-on. “Have you even told him your big plan?”

  That was it? She was an adult and she’d get over it? Then her question sank in and he shook his head. “Not yet, no.”

  She sighed in disgust and his honed-through-experience defense machine barricaded guilt firmly behind the walls he’d spent years erecting. He squared his shoulders. “It wasn’t like he was thrilled at the prospect of moving to New York in the first place, Jenny. No doubt he’ll be relieved.”

  Her jaw dropped, but she quickly s
napped it back in place. “Really. That’s the best you can come up with. My God, you’re an idiot.”

  It was a direct jab at some of the reservations he’d felt himself but had shoved down and tried to bury, and he scowled at her. “Is name calling really necessary?”

  “Can you honestly say it’s not?”

  “Hell, yes. I’m trying to do the best thing for him and you. And it’s not like I’m abdicating my responsibilities here. I’ll provide for you both, and I’ll come by when I can between National Explorer gigs.”

  For the first time, he saw genuine fury cross her face before she about-faced on her bare heel and strode out to the living room. Hotfooting it after her, he found her perched stiffly on the edge of the couch, pulling on socks and a pair of shoes she must have kicked off earlier. He opened his mouth, but didn’t really know what to say. Which, as it turned out, probably didn’t matter, because in the two seconds he had to think of something, she’d furiously surged to her feet.

  “You. Can. Keep. Your stinking. Money. That’s never been what Austin needed from you—and neither do I.” Her eyes burned like hellfire, but her voice was more frigid than an arctic winter as she stepped close. If she were a taller woman, she would have been nose-to-nose with him. “As for swinging by as the spirit moves you?” All that fury abruptly disappeared and she stepped back, her eyes eerily un-Jenny distant.

  “If you’re going,” she said flatly, “you should just go. Because Austin might’ve been leery about moving away from Razor Bay, but he was willing to do it anyhow. Everything that he loves here was outweighed by finally having the one thing he’s always longed for more than anything else—a father.”

  He jerked. Oh, Christ. The very last thing he’d ever wanted was to bring Austin more pain. And yet—in the long run the kid would probably thank him.

  Jenny clearly didn’t give a shit about his anguished regret, nor was she finished. “Trying to do your best for him would be you busting your ass to make this relationship work. You’re either in or you’re out, Bradshaw. Austin deserves better than a half-assed father who will drop by when he can fit it into his oh, so important schedule.”

  She took a sudden big step back. “And you know what? So do I. It took me way too long, but I finally vowed this year that I was through accepting the crumbs of other people’s affection.” She thrust her chin up at him. “So, excuse me if I won’t take them from you—a man who refuses to commit to anyone because he had a few things go wrong in his life.”

  He was grateful for the fury that snapped to life. “A few things? I had a brother who hated me, a dad who walked out, leaving Mom and me flat, and a wife who died, all before I was nineteen years old.”

  “Oh, boo-hoo, Jake! Tasha grew up with a mom who’s an addict. Before I was seventeen, I had a father who was only available to me when it suited him and a mother who took to her goddamn bed, leaving to me the responsibility of finding a roof to put over our heads and earning a living to keep it there. And not because my dad was a crook, mind you, but because her fucking tony friends knew he was. Who the hell doesn’t have issues? Most of us just suck it the hell up and get on with it! We don’t use our troubles to dodge responsibility for the rest of our lives.”

  He stared in stunned fascination at the passionate conviction on her face—even as her words took a sledgehammer to the wall he’d thought he’d so solidly built around his heart. That in turn thundered in his chest like a charge being set off as his fortifications began to crumble piece by piece.

  Hugging herself, she looked around. “I’ve gotta get out of here.” She strode over to the coat tree by the front door, grabbed a thin windbreaker from it, then turned to look him in the eye as she pulled it on. “If you go, don’t come back. You’ll be leaving wreckage in your wake, and I will not subject Austin to that again. And don’t you dare leave it to me to break the news. You can damn well look your son in the face and see firsthand what it does to him when you tell him you rescind your invitation to be a family. Because I swear to God, Jake, if you just sneak off—” She sucked a deep breath in through her nose, then gustily exhaled it.

  “There will be no place on earth you can hide. And make no mistake, when I find you, I will hurt you.” She whirled and banged through the door.

  Staring at the solid panels that still quivered from the strength of her slam, Jake didn’t doubt her claim for a second.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  JENNY STORMED DOWN the porch stairs, stalked several yards along the path toward the beach...then stumbled to a halt when it hit her that she didn’t have the first idea what to do next. She’d left Jake in possession of her cottage, for God’s sake, when she should have pointed the righteous finger of wrath at the front door and demanded that he get out of her house. But she’d been so damn furious she simply hadn’t been thinking straight.

  Nor were her abilities along that line improving as she stood there. What did she do now?

  Okay, there was never a shortage of things needing her attention at the inn. Except...what was the point? It wasn’t as if she’d be able to concentrate worth a damn. And God knew she wasn’t up to being around people and carrying on actual conversations. Not when all she really wanted to do was howl.

  She supposed she could take her troubles to Tasha, since that was always comforting. But it was Friday night, and her best friend was no doubt up to her eyeballs in the weekend rush. Plus friends and neighbors liked to stop by to say hello at Bella T’s, and just the thought of having to pretend she was okay added to her urge to howl.

  Hell, even if she had Tash to herself, a bottle of red to drown her sorrows and total privacy for a heart-to-heart, she wasn’t up to talking about this yet.

  Not without falling to pieces—something she felt treacherously close to doing as it was.

  Straightening her backbone, she sucked in a calming breath and reminded herself that she’d known the end was coming. Well, she couldn’t have guessed Jake would suddenly reverse his decision to take Austin with him to Manhattan. But she’d certainly known his time with her was finite and that the day was rapidly approaching when he’d pack up his bags and leave. What she hadn’t known—and for some reason had never once even considered—was that when the don’t-examine-it-too-closely day arrived, it would break her heart.

  Boy, did I miss the mark on that one. She stared dejectedly at the path beneath her feet. Of course, neither had she realized she was in love with him until the words left her mouth and she’d recognized the sheer...rightness of them. Up until then, heartbreak hadn’t been part of the equation.

  Now it was a part wider than the canal she couldn’t even summon the energy to look at.

  A bitter laugh escaped her. Make that wider than the solar system, she thought. Because her heart wasn’t simply broken. She was pretty sure if she looked, she’d find an honest-to-God hole in her chest where it had been before Jake ripped it out. In truth it was taking every ounce of strength she possessed not to drop to her knees, curl tightly into the fetal position and bawl her eyes out until she had no tears left. Which, given the way she was feeling, might be the week after never.

  Her breath hitched, then shuddered as she clung tightly to her quickly eroding composure. In rising desperation, she realized she had to find a place to vent her sorrow without witnesses. But with her home occupied by the author of her misery, she simply couldn’t think where to go.

  Her head snapped up as the obvious solution came to her. Doing her best not to think beyond putting one foot in front of the other, she strode down the path to the dock where they moored the inn’s boats. She was going to Oak Head.

  They were still a few weeks shy of the season for bringing most of the inn’s half-dozen Crestliners out of winter storage in the boathouse. But because the weather had been pretty decent recently, two of the twelve-foot aluminum boats, each sporting a small motor, were tied up
at the dock where Austin moored his Bayliner. Striding out onto the wharf, she stopped at the boat tied nearest the end. She stooped to unwrap the line from the front cleat.

  To her horror, being this close to making an escape weakened the iron grip she’d been maintaining on her emotions. The tears she’d held back by willpower alone began to roll silently down her cheeks.

  Ignoring them as best she could, she worked faster.

  She was in the midst of tossing the line, which she ordinarily would have taken the time to neatly coil, onto the tiny bow seat when a male voice boomed, “Excuse me! Miss!”

  “Crap,” she whispered and, with a sniff, surreptitiously swiped her fingers beneath her eyes. Then she looked over her shoulder.

  Dan, the inn’s longtime head of maintenance, strode down the dock with a purposeful stride, a slight frown on his weather-beaten face.

  It was replaced by a look of surprise and perhaps some embarrassment as he pulled up short with an abruptness that rocked him onto his toes. “Oh. Hey, Jenny.” The heels of his Carhartts returned to the decking with a solid thump. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that was you. I just saw a girl getting ready to take the boat and wanted to make sure she was a guest.”

  “Not a problem. You probably knew we don’t have any young women in residence at the moment.” Or maybe not. She really didn’t care; she just had to get the hell away from here, to get to a place where she didn’t have to pretend everything was hunky-dory.

  Still, she forced herself to say calmly, “Austin’s out with friends, and I thought I’d take advantage of the calm evening to go out on the water for a bit.” To her mortification, her voice cracked on the last words and those damn tears spilled over once again.

  Dan’s already ruddy face went ruddier. “Uh, sure.” He reached over the skyward-pointing bill of the ubiquitous faded brown John Deere baseball cap he wore and gave the crown a rub. “That is...you okay?”

  “Yes.” She dashed away the tears, then fanned her face with her fingers. “Don’t mind these. It’s just...that time.”