Sarah narrowed her eyes and said, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
“Sick? No. Why? Do I look sick?”
Turning around, Sarah headed into her living room. “Your face is flushed and your eyes are glossy.” She went into her kitchen and offered Meredith a cup of coffee in a travel mug. Meredith held the mug up to her nose, inhaling the smell of good coffee.
“I didn’t sleep well last night.” She took a sip.
Sarah poured herself a cup, adding cream. Who drinks coffee with cream anymore? Meredith thought. Only Sarah. Queen of Decadence. “Can I try a little of that cream?”
“Sure. I thought you took it black.”
“I do. I just thought I’d try something new.”
Sarah handed her the carton and she poured in a touch, watching as white clouds rose up inside the dark brown liquid and exploded on the surface. The coffee was turning light brown.
“Let’s go,” Sarah said, grabbing her fanny pack, flanked by two water bottles.
Meredith snapped the lid over her coffee and followed Sarah out the door. On the way to the mountain they passed a lawn with a broken irrigation system. Water was bubbling out all over the sidewalk. “What a waste,” Sarah said.
“Give me your phone. I’ll report them.”
“To who, the water police?”
“Kind of.”
“Only you,” Sarah said, “would know that number!”
“We live in a desert,” Meredith said. “We have to conserve our resources.”
“Isn’t it annoying to be so good all the time?” Sarah asked.
“If I was really good, I’d just knock on their door. They probably don’t even realize it’s broken.”
Sarah slowed and turned around. “You can’t do stuff like that, but I can.” She pulled into the home’s driveway and strode to the front porch. When a middle-aged man answered, Meredith saw Sarah gesture to the water on the sidewalk. She could tell the man was thanking her. Sarah marched back into the car and put it in reverse. “Now I’ve done my good deed for the day.” They continued on their way to the mountains. “He was full of thanks. It was very satisfying. I think I’ll try to help out strangers more often.”
The La-Luz trail switch backed up to the peak of the Sandias mountains. Sarah and Meredith usually took five hours to make the trek. On that day, the foothills were very brown. After some initial difficulty, Meredith had learned to treasure the subtle colors that overlaid this landscape. Someone had told her when she first arrived that she’d learn to see “color within the brown.” Never, she’d promised herself. She, who was homesick for the voluptuous green that coated the hills and meadows of her childhood home in upstate New York. But over time, she’d come to love the colors of New Mexico. They didn’t seem brown at all, but gold, red, purple, and yellow.
Today, however, after two rainless months, the hills really did look just brown. There were no wildflowers and only occasional brushes of gold plumes. Some dried-up prickly pears hunkered down into the ground, shriveled up inside their thorns.
“Like an old man’s balls on a cold day,” Sarah observed as she passed the cacti. A determined hiker, Sarah’s every outing was an unforgiving competition with her personal best. If she hiked farther or faster than usual, she came off the mountain victorious. If she did worse, she came down clouded, dark, and critical.
Watching her scramble over rocks and disappear through a cluster of pinion trees, Meredith let out a sigh. For Sarah, hiking La Luz was a physical fitness odyssey. Meredith sometimes felt handcuffed to her side. Sarah set a fast pace and for the first hours they hardly spoke, mainly because Meredith couldn’t and Sarah wasn’t one for monologues.
As always, after the first hour warm up, Sarah settled down to a more manageable pace and Meredith thought she might make the hike without going into cardiac arrest.
As their pace grew steady, Meredith realized that she hadn’t thought of Ben since they’d pulled up to the trailhead. Her reprieve felt good, like a return to normalcy. With effort, she dislodged the idea that they might pass him on the trail. “How’s your new production manager working out?” she gasped.
Sarah answered her with an efficient use of words, making Meredith think she didn’t want to talk. As they ascended, they came upon small pockets of fellow hikers who they quickly passed. Some of the hikers looked to be sixty or seventy, but they were climbing with speed and agility. Some of them had calves the size of grapefruits.
Halfway up, they took a break. Meredith was huffing, trying to inhale as much oxygen as she could and send it to her aching muscles. Sarah sat on a rock looking impatient. Meredith took small sips of water. She’d already gone through half her supply, while Sarah had barely touched hers. The day was crisp. Clouds were starting to appear in the vast blue sky overhead. Soon, the sun would be strong over their heads. For now, their breaths were still white wisps out of their mouths. Standing still gave Meredith a chill. She’d stripped off her layers as they’d walked and now she was down to a long-sleeved t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The sweat was icy on her back. She rolled down her sleeves and untied one layer from the bulk she’d wrapped around her waist. As she pulled the second shirt over her head, she glanced at Sarah, still bundled in her multiple layers. No overheating from exertion for Sarah.
“You’re in great shape,” Meredith sighed.
“I should be. I work out every day.” Sarah grimaced. “And still I don’t lose weight. You make me sick. Skinny like that with no effort whatsoever.” Sarah was resentful of Meredith's work-out schedule, which consisted of weekly hikes in the Sandias.
Ignoring Sarah's predictable tirade, Meredith looked up at the crest they were hiking toward. I’ll never make it, she thought with despair. Sarah stood and started hiking again. Meredith urged her muscles and limbs to follow Sarah's retreating figure.
The hike was long, and for awhile, Meredith occupied her mind by pretending she was an early settler being chased by a tribe of Indians. She imagined herself in a long, heavy dress and uncomfortable shoes, pushing forward because she’d die if she gave up and sat down. The sun grew hotter, and she took off her second shirt again. Up ahead, Sarah was still bundled up. Meredith started to imagine that Ben Abel was on the trail. She pictured a band of Girl Scouts stranded on a ledge during a lightning storm and herself climbing onto the ledge and carrying each one back to safety, while Ben watched from a spot farther down the mountain, amazed by her courage.
By the time they reached the peak, Meredith was in a state of nervous exhaustion, as much from the fantasies as the climb. In the last hour, her legs had shaken below her as she picked her way up the rocky path, keeping an eye out for the sheer drop offs. At the top, a quick survey told her that Ben had not been hiking ten minutes ahead of them, as she’d imagined. Meredith's daydreams had been like a prayer, and she was surprised to not find her reward at the peak. Sarah checked her watch and frowned. She had apparently not matched or surpassed the time she’d fixed in her mind. They rode the tram down in silence. Meredith was wondering if Ben's absence was a sign. Sarah appeared to be internally berating herself for going too slow.
Meredith said, “You can’t go faster every time or you’d be climbing that mountain in an hour one day.”
“I know that,” Sarah snapped. But she didn’t look like she did.
The days were turning colder. She had to let her old car warm up for five minutes before driving in to work. Mendra always watched from the living room window. And when Meredith came home at night, she could hear Mendra’s meows as the key went in the lock.
Meredith saw so little of Ben that she had only her imagination to fill in the blanks. When she hiked or sat in a meeting, she daydreamed about Ben, which was probably why she was in such a fantastic state of sexual frustration. In her dreams, sex was Hollywood style: limbs shaven, effortless orgasms. She knew the reality was often other things: bad breath, uncomfortable positions, and what not, but she missed sex. She missed touching people. Meredith s
at at her desk at work, crunching the ice in her glass. She felt flushed and horny. “This is ridiculous,” she said aloud.
“What is?” Doug was at her door. “Have you got a minute?” His shoulders were slumped a little more than usual, Meredith thought.
“Sure, Doug. Come in. Nothing’s ridiculous except me. I’m a dweller. I keep dwelling on something that I’d rather just stop thinking about.”
Doug settled into the folding chair and began. “Lou talked to me. He said that you and Corky aren’t getting along and you’re taking it to him instead of working it out between yourselves. Or coming to me.”
Meredith was surprised by her presence of mind. She wasn’t close to crying this time. She wasn’t even that upset by Lou’s presentation of the situation. Maybe all her daydreaming had supplanted those feelings. In a reasonable tone and without bashing Corky, she explained the events that led to Lou’s conversation with Doug.
Doug was silent a moment. “I hear you. I know how Corky can be. But you’re going to have to find a way to get along with her.”
“I know you’re intrinsically fair, Doug. I guess that’s why I’m wondering why you’re talking to me, the staff member, instead of her, the faculty member who first went to Lou.”
“Meredith,” Doug began. He was quiet for a moment, studying her. She couldn’t maintain his gaze. She looked down at her lap. “I owe you an apology,” he finally said. “I came to you first because it was easier to approach you than her. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I’ll talk to Corky. Would you like to be present?”
She didn’t want to be there. “Whatever seems most appropriate to you is fine with me.”
“I don’t like this he-said, she-said business.” Doug paused. “But in this case, I think I’d better talk to Corky alone.” Doug stood. “Yes. I’ll talk to Corky today.”
When he left, she closed her eyes and assessed the damage. Her heart was beating wildly. Her hands were shaking. She tried to work up a sense of triumph, by imagining Doug’s talk with Corky, but a little voice inside her said, Corky is still going to come out on top.
Corky breezed into Meredith's office the next day to apologize for going to Lou before confronting Meredith. Corky’s pager went off four times in the seven minutes she spent in Meredith’s office. Corky ignored the first three, but the last time the black box on her belt started squealing, she eyed Meredith's phone. “I’m waiting for a call,” Meredith lied.
After Corky had left, in search of a phone, Meredith regretted the lie. She felt immature and petty. She wandered across the hall to Kira's office.
“Hey,” Kira said, and leaned back from her computer. “Was that the Crazymaker I heard in your office?”
“Yes. She’s sorry for going over my head. She’s going to respect my time frames from now on and she’s going to try to remember that her former secretary is not trying to persecute her.”
“But...aren’t you?”
Meredith laughed. “Of course. No. Not totally. Nothing I do with her is any different from what I do with everyone else.” She lowered her voice. “Except that I enjoy telling her no.” She shrugged. “I’ve been infuriating her with my smug attitude, but she hasn’t put her finger on what about me makes her so mad.”
“Yet. Watch out for her. She holds grudges, I’d say.”
Meredith straightened her shoulders. “Well, so do I.”
Outside Kira's door, a voice came booming around the corner. “Kira. We’re leaving. Are you coming?” Debbie’s head appeared in the doorway. “Oh, hi Meredith. How’s school?”
“I graduated in July.”
“Shucks. I forgot. That’s so great that you got out of that job with, ‘scuse my language, that bitch Corky. Just yesterday, I was waiting for a parking spot outside and at the last second, Corky pulled around the corner in her ugly little Volvo and stole it.”
Meredith couldn’t quite believe this of Corky. “Maybe she didn’t see you?”
“Oh, she saw me all right. She looked me straight in the eye.” Debbie leaned up against Kira's door. “Ellen gets the brunt of her now. You’re lucky you don’t have that job anymore.”
“I still have to deal with her.”
“Poor Ellen. We all feel for her. Corky just mistreats every secretary she gets. Somebody should try to stop her. So what are you waiting for, Girlfriend? We’re all in the lobby and Lily says if you rdon’t get your you know what in gear, you’re driving with the smokers.”
It took Meredith a few seconds to register the subject change and realize that Debbie was now addressing Kira, inviting her to lunch with “the girls.”
“I can’t go,” Kira told her, laughing. “The Dean’s office just sent over a request for the last four months of out-of-state travel. They need it by three.”
Debbie’s eyebrows raised. “You know what I would tell them to do with their request.” She paused for emphasis and then continued. “You’ve got to eat and they can’t stop you. Besides, no other department will get it to them before noon tomorrow. You’re just too new to know that.”
“Thanks for the tip. But it’s better on my wallet if I miss sometimes.”
Meredith was smarting. Since she’d been promoted, no one had included her in the lunches. Her indignation rose when Debbie left without thinking to invite her.
Kira continued as if Debbie had never even been there. “So be careful around Corky. No point in making enemies. What are you doing Friday?”
“Nothing,” Meredith said, still thinking of “the girls” at lunch.
“Let’s do dinner. At that new Italian place on Central. It’s supposed to be cheap with big portions.”
“Cool.” Meredith returned to her office. Who cares what those stupid jerks do? I don’t want to eat lunch with them anyway. And that was true. She just wanted to be invited.
She ran into Ben Abel when she was leaving work. He was locking up his bike to the rack outside. At the sight of him, her heart stopped momentarily, then picked up at a higher rate. “Meredith!” Ben looked happy to see her.
She opened her mouth to say hello, but all that came out was a croak.
Ben didn’t seem to notice. “How’s it going?” he asked.
Miraculously, her voice came normal with a second go. “Good! What are you doing here?” Today wasn’t his clinic day but that was more information than he needed to know she knew about him. “If you came here to see patients, the clinic is closed.”
Ben laughed at her stupid joke, which raised some hope in her. “Actually, I came by to see you. Looks like I just barely got here in time.” As he spoke, a deep blush traveled across his neck and up his face.
Meredith felt her own face become acutely hot by proximity. “Me? How come?” It’s something about programming, she assured herself.
“I have tickets to the Santa Fe symphony orchestra on Friday. Would you like to go? With me, I mean.”
Like the dream she had played a million times in her head, Meredith fell into her role with ease. “I’d love to,” she said encouragingly.
Ben seemed to relax slightly. “Great! So it’s a date.” He ducked his head. “I mean, if that’s acceptable to you.”
“Totally acceptable.” She had an enormous grin on her face. She tried to stop smiling, but couldn’t.
“Great. I thought we could go to dinner beforehand. The show starts at 8, so that gives us plenty of time. I think if we leave here at 5:00 we’ll be fine. Can I pick you up?”
“Sure. Let me give you my address.”
As Meredith was writing down directions and drawing him a tiny map, Ben said, “It’s Stravinsky. Do you know him?”
She quickly discarded her first impulse, to lie. “I know almost nothing about classical music. But I really enjoy it. In a very uneducated sort of way.”
Ben laughed.
Pleased, she handed him her map and directions. He rolled it into a small tube and held it between two fingers like a cigarette. “Or should I pick you up at work?”
&n
bsp; Was the South Valley to far to drive to? Was that what he was saying? Maybe coming to her house seemed too much of a date. Could he be respecting her privacy?
“Don’t you leave work at five?” he added.
Meredith didn’t know which way she was going to go till it was out of her mouth. “Well, normally, yes. But on that day I’m leaving early.” She threw her head back. “I’ll be dressing for the symphony!”
Ben laughed and Meredith decided to leave before she could do anything stupid. “Thanks for inviting me,” she added when she’d gotten a few feet away.
He nodded his head and then bowed. Meredith tried not to skip to her car.
On the drive home, she alternated between savoring the encounter and tearing herself apart. In retrospect, it seemed that every comment she’d made had been stupid. He’s probably already sorry he asked, she thought. A minute later, she was elated. He likes me! Ben Abel likes me! She focused on driving for a few minutes to quiet her thoughts. At a stoplight, she let out a loud “Yeeeehaw!” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the man in the car next to her jump. Even with her windows up, she’d yelled loud. The sight of that man sent her into hysterical laughter, which ended in tears. She had to pull over for a few minutes until she’d calmed down.
Chapter Five
Inside, Meredith went straight to the phone to call Sarah with her date news. Mendra hopped onto the counter and settled herself in the kitchen sink, watching Meredith dial. Before the other end had even started ringing, Meredith hung up. She poured food into Mendra’s bowl. Mendra didn’t bother to move from her spot. Meredith redialed Sarah, but hung up before she’d even finished pushing numbers. She couldn’t call Sarah. She couldn’t risk any jabs that would puncture her balloon of happiness. But how could she keep it a secret? “I’ll tell her if it gets past the first date,” she told Mendra, who sat, quietly watching her.
Searching For Meredith Love Page 7