Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  “Life.” Meredith told her. “It happens now and then. You’ve been feeling unlovable. It’s been festering inside of you. But it’s just feelings. You’re actually very lovable.” She smiled at Kira. “I’m glad you trusted me enough to let out your emotions in front of me.”

  Kira wiped a few stray tears from her eyes and suddenly gripped Meredith by the shoulders and demanded, “Who are you? And what have you done with Meredith?” When Meredith looked at her with confusion she laughed. “Please! What happened to the ‘Ohmygod-I-can’t-talk-to-Doug-right-now-what-if-he-starts-to-cry’ Meredith that I know and love?” She clasped her hands out in front of her in an imitation of Meredith. “What should I do if he breaks down? Nod sympathetically or scream for someone to dial 911?”

  “Okay, okay, that’s enough.” Meredith replied, pleased that Kira did indeed seem to be feeling better. “It’s different with men. I never know how to relate to them.”

  “Sweetheart,” Kira leaned in confidentially, “You treat them exactly the same as you do women. Just picture me when you start talking and you’ll do fine.”

  They sat for a minute in silence. Then Meredith asked, “How long has this been going on for?” Kira’s face grew tight again and she turned her head away. “Just the past eight months?” Meredith prodded. “Or has it happened before?” Kira had started crying again. Meredith tried to picture Jeremy refusing sex. He was so good looking that she couldn’t really imagine it.

  “What a waste of a great body,” she told Kira.

  Kira laughed, despite her tears. “Yes,” she agreed. “It is a waste. And a waste of my body too.” She leaned forward slightly and peered at Meredith. “I’m in my prime now, you know.” Meredith laughed, but Kira shook her head. “It’s not funny. You start having multiple orgasms in your thirties.” Her eyes opened wide. “Have you ever had a multiple orgasm?” she asked.

  Meredith had to admit she hadn’t.

  “Well, neither have I. And now’s my only chance. And Jeremy is squandering this precious time for me. I can almost see my multiple orgasms, flying away on little sets of wings because I’m not using them up.” She wiped away some stray tears. “They’re flying off to little twenties year olds who don’t even deserve them. I’ve earned them. And I can’t get them because my asshole husband is afraid of sex.”

  “Have you tried couples therapy?”

  “What? And force Jeremy to tell another soul that he doesn’t want sex? Hah! He’d never do that. He’s too much of a selfish, arrogant bastard!” She paused. “He’s never said this, but he’s scared to death about it.”

  “Well, and who wouldn’t be?” Meredith agreed. “Men are so into their virility. If he feels like he’s lost it...”

  “I know,” Kira agreed. “But I can’t go on.” She looked at Meredith with wide, startled eyes. “I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t think I can take any more.”

  Meredith leaned in and gave Kira a hug. “I wish I had some good advice for you,” she said as she let go. “But I don’t. The best I can do is tell you that you can always talk to me. Even if it’s 3 a.m.”

  “Thanks. I didn’t expect to dump all this on you. But thanks for letting me. I’m feeling lighter already.”

  Ben stopped by while Corky was proofreading Meredith’s latest report. “Hi, Ben. What rotation are you on? Meredith, did you see where page three disappeared to?”

  “Hey, Corky. I’m on Emergency Medicine. How are you? How’s your wallpapering going?”

  “I was at it till two this morning. I’ve got my whole downstairs finished.”

  Ben chuckled. “You’re amazing. How do you find the energy?”

  Corky smiled. “I like to keep busy. Were you looking for me?”

  “No, actually, I was looking for Meredith.”

  “Ah, the research project.”

  “Actually,” He smiled across the room at Meredith, “I came to tell you that I’m covering an extra shift and won’t be able to make it home for dinner.”

  Corky looked stunned. Meredith looked at the pile of papers on Corky’s lap and thought, me either. But she smiled and said aloud, “No problem. I’ll see you when I see you.”

  By the time Meredith got home that night, she was a combination of exhausted energy and bundled up nerves. She felt almost too tired to get her key in the door. Sarah had left her a message. She deleted it without listening. Dinner was out of the question. There was still food in Mendra’s bowl. She poured herself a large glass of red wine sat in the living room to drink. Mendra was instantly on her lap and it soothed her to feel the purring, like a little motor, against her.

  Meredith carried a second glass to bed, stumbling a little from the effect of the alcohol. She woke at around 9 p.m., when Ben came home. He sat on the edge of the bed and gathered her sleepy limbs up into his arms. “Tell me about the rest of your day,” he said, gently stroking her hair.

  “There’s nothing much to tell. Nothing bad happened. I just get worn out, dealing with Corky every day. How was your day?”

  “It was good. I like working in Emergency. I like the people.” Ben eyed the empty wineglass on her night stand. “Have you eaten dinner?” She shook her head, suddenly realizing how hungry she was. “Come into the kitchen,” he said.

  She sat in her robe with a large glass of water while Ben cooked ramen noodles with frozen vegetables. She told him about her conversation with Kira. They ate in silence and only after Meredith had eaten most of her bowl did Ben speak.

  “What’s up with Sarah these days?” He paused to watch her reaction.

  “We had a parting of the ways.”

  “What happened?”

  “I’m cutting my excess baggage.”

  “She was your friend.”

  “Ben, no offense, but you have no idea. She was manipulative and controlling. I’m much happier without her in my life.”

  Ben sat across the table and watched her in silence.

  “You didn’t know her long enough to see what she was really like.”

  “You don’t miss her?”

  “No. I still sometimes think, “I’ve got to call Sarah.” But when I remember I’m not friends with her anymore, I usually feel relief.” She put her elbows on the table and rested her face in her hands. “I’m just so tired all the time. It has nothing to do with Sarah. I think it’s more about Kevin’s death. And then having to work so much with Corky.” Meredith had a sharp pain in her throat. She wiped away a tear. Mendra hopped onto Ben’s lap. Meredith didn’t mind. She was glad to see that Mendra was taking him in as part of the family.

  “Let’s go to bed,” Ben suggested innocently. “I think I can find a way to help you forget.”

  “I can’t have sex,” Meredith told him bluntly. “I’m too tense to relax and enjoy myself.”

  Ben reached behind her hair and lightly stroked the nape of her neck. Despite herself, Meredith was aroused.

  “Give me ten minutes,” he suggested. “If I can’t change your mind, I’ll let you lie in bed and worry all night.”

  Chapter Eleven

  “Jeremy moved out.”

  “He what?” Meredith stopped walking. Kira kept trudging ahead of her. They were just east of Los Alamos, in the Jemez mountains, for the day.

  “It’s no big deal. We’re just having some difficulties.”

  “No big deal? Has this ever happened before?” Meredith started walking again, following Kira up the path into the woods.

  Kira shook her head.

  “Where’s he staying?”

  “He’s renting one of those monthly apartments on Eubank.”

  Meredith was quiet for a moment as they hiked.

  “This is about more than lack of sex.”

  “The lack of sex is a by-product of the rest.” Kira told her. “We have horrible fights. Very nasty. We split so that they would stop. He...” Kira paused and took a few breaths. Meredith wondered if she was hyperventilating. “He wants us to...” more breaths. When she finally calmed
down a bit, she spit out the words, “...see other people.”

  Meredith remembered Jeremy’s muscular arms, his boyish good looks, and she felt a sickening sensation in the pit of her stomach.

  “And what do you want?”

  “Not that! Not dating.” She looked up at Meredith. “No offense or anything, but dating is the last thing on my mind. Blind dates, unreturned phone calls, rejection? No thanks. I’d rather be a nun.”

  Meredith bent to re-tie her shoelace. She kept her eyes focused on her foot and asked, “Is he dating anyone?”

  Kira snorted. “No. At least, I think not. He just wants me to date.”

  “What? What does that mean?”

  “Takes the pressure off of having sex.”

  “Kira, no, that can’t be it.”

  Kira stopped walking and turned to Meredith. She opened her knapsack and took out her purse. From behind the picture of a grinning, toothless, little boy, probably a nephew, she drew out a piece of paper. It was on shiny, if slightly yellowed magazine paper. Meredith took it and unfolded it. A single crease ran through the center of a cartoon of two pie charts. The first was titled, “What women think about.” The pie was split up into “the relationship, shopping, diet, food, shoes, and sex.” Sex was the thinnest slice, by far. The second pie, for men, was split into four slices, “sex, sports, beer, and the relationship.” Sex was by far the largest piece, with the relationship being the smallest.

  She looked back at Kira in silence.

  “Everything about men’s self-esteem is wrapped up around sex. If he can’t perform, he’s not a man. Especially if it’s not even physical. It’s emotional for Jeremy. He’s in crisis and he can’t get out of it because he’s too embarrassed to talk to someone about it. He’s trying to push me into the arms of another man so he can slink away and not deal.”

  “Are you sure it’s not physical?”

  “No,” she conceded. “How could I? He won’t even ask his doctor.”

  “Gosh.” Meredith didn’t know what to say. “Life never gets easy, does it?”

  Kira shook her head. “I don’t know. Jer and I have had good times. Long stretches of it. But when you’re in a bad time, it’s hard to believe it was ever anything but a long stretch of bad punctuated here and there by good.”

  “It will be good again.”

  “Or it will end in divorce.”

  Lourdes motioned Meredith up to her desk as she walked into work. “You’re late!” she whispered.

  “Late for what?” Meredith asked, wondering why everyone else could take long lunches without attracting attention.

  “Carmela is sitting in your office, waiting for you.” Lourdes looked guilty. “I told her I expected you at 1:00.” Meredith looked at her watch. It was 1:15. “You’re always back in an hour,” Lourdes added.

  Meredith paused, trying to push down her anger at Lourdes. “Thanks for the warning.”

  Dr. Carmela Villanova was sitting at Meredith's desk, pager in hand, talking into the phone. She paused to look up as Meredith came in. “Wait. Here she is. Finally. Okay, bye.” Hanging up the phone, Carmela remained in Meredith’s chair and raised an eyebrow. “Nice lunch?”

  “I came in early so I took a long lunch,” Meredith lied.

  “Oh, to have your life,” Carmela said. “I’ve been here since six and I’ve barely had time for a bathroom break, much less lunch.”

  “You also make five times my salary,” Meredith had to say.

  “It’s not about money, Meredith. That’s not why doctors work long hours.” Carmela addressed the wall as if a third person was standing there. “Why do the staff make everything about money?” She turned back to Meredith. “You came in early so you get a long lunch. Someone asks you people for help, you tell them, ‘That’s not in my job description.’”

  Meredith realized she wasn’t the only person with a chip on her shoulder.

  “Don’t you think the same thing happens to us?” Carmela asked her. “I would love to be able to tell Lou that three students every rotation is not in my job description.”

  “Do you have a project for me?”

  “Yes.” Carmela looked at her watch. “I’m doing a study on the patients from our Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder clinic.” She handed Meredith a typed list. “I need you to plot these data.”

  “Okay.” Meredith was scanning the list. “I can probably get something to you by Tuesday.”

  Carmela stood. “Fine. Page me with questions. I’ll be back in two days, and next time, I won’t come at lunchtime.”

  “If you set up a time with me in advance, then you won’t have to wait.”

  “Just page me when it’s ready and I’ll come by.” In the next moment, Meredith was alone staring at her recently vacated chair. As she sat down, she swore. Carmela had lowered the height of the chair and Meredith hit the seat with a hard thump.

  “Do you ever work with Carmela Villanova?” Meredith was lying in Ben’s bed while he sat smoking in the doorway that led to his backyard patio. He blew a stream of smoke out into the darkness.

  “Yeah. She’s very smart. A great teacher.”

  “Is she? She comes off as such a jerk.”

  “Carmela?” Ben had turned himself so that smoke was blowing into the room.

  “Yeah. She’s sort of cold. Really cold,” Meredith added, making an effort to not retreat into his opinion.

  “She’s well-liked among the residents.” Meredith was listening to Ben and waiting for him to notice the smoke that was floating into the room and hanging in the air like cobwebs.

  “In fact, she was voted teacher of the year last year and four years ago. She teaches critical thinking. She’s unstumpable, too.” He took another drag. “There’s nothing you can ask her that she doesn’t have an answer for.”

  Meredith was silent, angrily watching the smoke.

  “She demands a lot, but she gives as much as she expects.”

  “Your smoke is coming in.”

  “Oops. Sorry.” Ben’s knees cracked as he pushed himself up out of the door jamb. He disappeared for a few minutes in the dark. Meredith lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

  When he reappeared, the cigarette was gone. He stepped inside and fastened the bolt on the door.

  “Can I get you anything from the kitchen?” He asked as he headed through the bedroom.

  “No.”

  She could hear him in the bathroom, washing his hands and brushing his teeth to remove the smoke from his body before he joined her in bed. She felt extraordinarily angry without being sure of why.

  The water stopped and Ben came back to the bedroom with a bottle of water.

  Meredith looked at the ceiling when she spoke. “We’re on opposite sides of the fence with Carmela.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not going to side with me the way you do with Corky and Lou.” Ben took a sip of water and offered her the bottle. She shook her head and he drew it back.

  “I’m going to support you like I always do. Every doctor you work with isn’t going to cause you trouble.”

  “Of course not,” she told him. “I work with doctors every day and do fine. But Corky and Lou and Carmela are exceptions. They don’t treat me right.” She hated the whine in her voice.

  “I’ve seen Carmela work with nurses and techs. She’s very respectful.”

  Meredith didn’t want to take Ben on in an argument. She didn’t want Ben to think she had a problem with doctors. She didn’t want him to write her off the way Corky and Lou had. “I’ll give her more chances before I form an opinion,” she said, unable to meet his eyes.

  Ben snuggled into her and took her face in his hands. “She’s not that bad. Give her more time and I think you’ll see her good sides. She’s got a lot of them.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay.” He kissed her nose, then moved lower to her mouth. She tried to absorb his body into her through her pores as they kissed on top of his bedspread.

&n
bsp; “When will this stop?” He asked at one point, upon coming up for air. He picked up a strand of her hair and inhaled. “When will I stop wanting you so much it hurts?”

  She couldn’t answer. She had no smooth comeback. Instead, she brought his hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles. She opened his hand and kissed his palm. Despite the soap and toothpaste, she could still smell tobacco. It was as much a part of him as his skin.

  “Listen,” Ben said, closing his eyes and lying back as Meredith kissed his neck. “There’s a band playing tomorrow night that’s supposed to be good. A few people at the hospital were talking about meeting there. Around eight. Would you like to come?”

  Meredith bent over him and started kissing his neck just below his jaw. “No, I’d rather spend the whole evening with Corky.”

  “It’ll be a big group. A lot of the people you met at Cathy’s.” Meredith wanted to ask if Cathy was coming but she held her tongue. The thought of Cathy brought back the memory of their fight and subsequent lovemaking. A deep, hot blush started to creep up Meredith’s neck. She paused, in her kissing. “Will that ER resident woman be there?” Her voice was shaking a little.

  “McCauly?”

  “No, the other one.”

  Ben opened his eyes. “Ann? Uh, yeah, she’s going.”

  “I liked her. She’s nice.”

  “You did?” Ben’s voice sounded odd. “You actually liked one of the residents I hang out with?”

  “Hey! I’ve never said I disliked any of them. I just feel like they think I’m stupid because I’m only a secre-uh, computer programmer. “

  “Hey yourself.” Ben’s voice suddenly became soft and gentle. “Give them a little more credit than that. They aren’t Neanderthals. They don’t think you have to be a doctor to be intelligent.”

  “Point taken.”

  The bar was smoky and the band played too loud to talk. Meredith sat squeezed next to two surgery residents who were trying to discuss a surgery done on a stabbing victim who’d been helicoptered in the night before. Ben was across from her. Meredith tried to smile and pretend she was enjoying herself. Ann was sitting across from her, next to Ben. She elbowed him in the ribs and apparently cracked a series of straight-faced jokes. Ben was laughing. Meredith pictured where’d she’d be in a few hours, cozying up under her down comforter with a good book while Mendra curled up in a ball next to her.