“Law offices.” The voice was rough and harried. Meredith opened her mouth but no speech came out. She didn’t know how she could explain a five page story to that voice. The other end said hello a few more times and disconnected. Meredith replaced her receiver. She didn’t call again, but she left the phone book open to that page, just in case.
In the afternoon, Kira called. “This place is riddled with rumors. One of them is that Carmela has a crush on Ben and you found out and sabotaged their project.”
“Their project got done.”
“Are you expecting accuracy in office gossip? In another, Corky and Lou are an item. They wanted you to swing with them and when you refused they fired you.”
“That’s outrageous! Who’s spreading that?”
“Me! I made it up this morning.”
“Kira, stop it, please. Let it die.”
“Wow, being unemployed has erased your sense of humor.”
“I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to call a labor lawyer.”
“What do you need nerve for?”
“I don’t know. A lawsuit would take a lot of energy. And money. And confrontation.”
“You should sue them. They’d shit in their pants.”
“But what would it get me? My old job? I could never go back there again, after getting fired.”
“Just sue for money.”
“I need to find a job.”
“Collect unemployment.”
“No way! I’m no slouch!” But as she said it, a voice inside her wondered how much she would get a month. “No!” She said aloud. “No, no, no to unemployment. I’m a computer programmer. I can find a job like that.”
“Let’s have dinner tonight.”
“Okay. I’ll cook something. It will fill my afternoon.”
Meredith slept all afternoon. When Kira arrived, Meredith had barely had the chance to wash her face. “I thought I’d order a pizza,” she told Kira.
“Oh, don’t slave over the phone on my account.”
Ben came by with a pizza in his hand. “Met the delivery man on my way in,” he explained. Meredith took money out to pay him. “Put that away!” He was appalled.
“How are things going with you and Jeremy?” Ben asked Kira at dinner.
“Do you think he has a tumor? In his penis?”
“I’m eating dinner,” Meredith reminded her.
Ben shook his head. “I don’t know. He should see a doctor.”
“Why won’t he have sex?”
Ben shrugged. “Speculation won’t get you laid. Call Mike Pederson.”
“Ben, shut up.”
“Meredith, I’m only saying...”
“Say nothing. And Kira? Ignore him. If you want to keep Jeremy, sleeping with someone else is the wrong way to do it.”
“It might make him jealous.”
“It’ll make him leave.”
“He’s gone already.”
“Married couples don’t usually work things out by having sex with other people.”
“He wants me to date!”
“Kira...”
“I know. I know. Hey, let’s take the heat off of me and get back to you. You just got fired. I mean, what’s up with that?”
When Kira left, Ben and Meredith sat together in silence.
“I saw the phone book. Are you going to sue?”
Meredith sighed. “It’s just there as an option.” She showed him her letter. He read all five pages and laid them carefully down on the table.
“It’s more for you than them.”
“I guess so. Yes.”
“How are you financially?”
“I’ve got $6,000 in the bank.”
Ben whistled. “You are quite the saver.”
“I live within my means.”
Ben got up from his seat and came over, knelt down and gave her a hug. When he pulled back, he kept his face close and looked in her eyes. She wasn’t sure what she wanted him to do, but ruffling the hair on the top of her head wasn’t it.
He stood and headed outside for a smoke.
Ben dragged Meredith out of bed again the next morning. This time the want-ads were folded open next to her coffee.
When Ben came home that evening, Meredith was sleeping. He climbed into bed with her.
“Hey, sleepyhead. How was your day?”
“Is it over yet?”
“It’s 7:30 at night.”
“Thank God. It’s over.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Well, I began by reading the want-ads. I found three jobs I qualified for. Called. One was filled. One wanted a resume but had already received seventy-one faxes today alone. One was a teenage boy starting up his own business.”
“Hmmm.”
“Yeah. So from there I crawled into bed. Then I woke up and ate a grilled cheese sandwich while watching Jerry Springer. His show completely depressed me; so I drove to the store for resume paper and ended up buying a pint of ice cream.” Ben’s eyes roamed toward the kitchen. “All of which, I ate.”
“Oh.” He refocused on her. “Do you have a resume?”
“Somewhere.”
Ben wrapped his arms around her tightly. “I can’t think of anything worse than job hunting. It’s demoralizing. But the quicker you start the sooner it will be over. Do they have an employment service at school?”
“Yeah. Good idea. I’ll call them tomorrow.” She tried to wriggle free from his embrace. Ben held her a moment longer. He looked like he wanted to kiss her.
“Ben let me go!” His hands opened and she sat up in bed. “I’m hungry,” she added, by way of explanation.
All that week, the wind was up. Incessant whistling and blowing. When Meredith stepped outside of her house, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. It was hard to make it through a day without naps. She’d been struggling to eat two meals a day. She’d been rebuffing Ben’s advances in bed until he just stopped advancing. This must be how Jeremy felt, she thought. He was stressed by debt. She was stressed by joblessness. Saturated with stress.
She felt better over the weekend, but come Monday, getting out of bed was like swimming to the surface with cement boots. She spent all day Monday at the dollar theater, moving from movie to movie. Driving home, her life didn’t seem real. She was going to Kira’s for dinner. She stopped at a bakery and bought a loaf of fresh bread.
The door was open. Meredith peered through the screen door and called out a hello.
“In the kitchen,” came Kira’s voice. Meredith let herself in and followed the living room around to the kitchen door. Kira was standing holding a manila envelope. She threw it across the kitchen as Meredith entered.
“What’s up?”
“Divorce papers. I got served. Just now as I came in the door.”
“Shoot!”
“Yes! Shoot! Damn! Fuck! Shit! Damn it!” Kira made a funny expression.
“What?”
“I ran out of swear words. ‘Damn it.’ Does anyone even say that now?”
“Have you talked to Jeremy?”
“No. I need to call him.” Her eyes drifted to the phone. “Do you mind?”
“Be my guest.” Meredith left the kitchen to give her privacy. She heard the front gate squeak and there was a knock on the screen door. A quick peek in the kitchen showed her Kira with her back to the door, the phone crooked between her shoulder and head. She didn’t want to interrupt that conversation. She walked back to the door to investigate and Jeremy was on the other side.
“Hi Jeremy. Kira is in the kitchen calling you.”
“Shit, then I’m late.” He stepped into the house and looked over Meredith's shoulder toward the kitchen. His eyes refocused on Meredith. “How have you been, Meredith?”
“Fine. I got fired last week, though. Haven’t found a new job yet.” She had offered this up to make him feel better about what he was about to encounter. Her problems suddenly seemed very small.
Jeremy made a grunt of sympathy but he seemed incapa
ble of really reacting to her news.
“Come in,” she offered, stepping back farther into the house. Her purse was on the credenza near the door. “I’ll just be going now. Would you let Kira know? I’m going to fend for myself for dinner.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” Meredith spun around. Kira was in the doorway of the kitchen. “I’ve got three pounds of salmon in there. You’re staying for dinner.”
“Maybe I’ll just run to the store and get a dessert and give you guys a chance to talk in private.”
Jeremy tore his eyes off Kira and looked at Meredith. “That’d be much appreciated, Meredith. Thank you.”
“Meredith is not going anywhere. Meredith, would you go in the kitchen and stir the potatoes on the stove?”
Meekly, Meredith laid her purse back on the credenza and scurried to the kitchen. There were no potatoes on the stove, just a pile of washed ones in a colander in the sink. She started peeling them nervously.
“You can’t just show up here and order my friends away when their presence is inconvenient to you.” Meredith could easily hear their voices from her place at the sink.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to talk to you before you got served.”
“So you’re divorcing me?” Kira’s voice faltered.
“Yes, Kira.” Jeremy’s voice sounded grim, Meredith thought as she peeled.
“On what grounds? That I want to have sex?”
“It’s not about sex, Kira.”
“Yes it is! It’s just about sex. I want it. You don’t. You need to see a doctor.”
“Kira, I’m not happy in this relationship. You’re not happy. It’s far beyond the physical act of love-making. That’s just a by-product.”
“So you’re just going to give up?”
“Let’s get on with our lives. Don’t you want to be happy?”
“No. I don’t.” Her voice lowered. “Jeremy, I love you. I still think we can make this work.”
There was a long silence. Jeremy broke it. “Kira stop!” Stop what? Meredith wondered. Jeremy sounded like he was crying. “Please! Just stop. I’m tired. Tired of working so hard for nothing. It’s been years since you and I have been easy in our relationship.”
“I’m not signing those papers.” Kira’s voice was knotted with frustration.
More silence. Then the front door opened and closed. Meredith, who had paused in her peeling, resumed at a furious pace.
Kira walked in. “Did you hear all of that bullshit?” She sat down at the table. “I’m not signing those God-damned papers.”
“You’re getting some new swear words. Good girl!”
Despite herself, Kira laughed. “Are you peeling those? Thanks for staying. If you had left we would have had an all-out screaming match and I wasn’t up for it.” She laid her head on the table. “I tried to kiss him. He let me, for a second, and then he shoved me away, like I was poison. I’m not up for this.”
Meredith patted her back. “Yes you are. You’re tough.”
“It’s so unfair! He decided to move out. He decided to file for divorce. I’m trying to sort out what’s happening, and each time I come close, he pushes to another level.”
“You feel like you don’t have any control.”
“Exactly! Because I don’t.” She sat up straighter. “I’m not signing those divorce papers. I’m not gonna let him divorce me.”
Meredith went to the career center at UNM. They had a book of jobs and she copied down seven that sounded good. Back in week one of joblessness, Ben had brought his laptop over and prodded Meredith into typing out her resume, which he’d printed and Xeroxed for her onto good bond paper.
The first number she called was a private hospital. They were converting all their paper medical chart notes to computer. “Send us a cover letter, resume, and three letters of recommendation,” the administrative assistant said.
With a stubby pencil, she made a list of people she could ask for recommendations. Professors at school. There were two who’d been strong advocates for her. Doug. She paused. She knew it was better to get recommendations from people she’d worked with. Who else at Family Practice? There were people she could ask, who weren’t involved in this mess with Corky. They would know about it, though. In an attempt to help her, they may say something like, “Oh and that mess with Corky was none of it her fault.” No matter what she did, the fact remained that she’d been fired.
Sighing, Meredith looked up at the clock on the wall. Two in the afternoon. All this thinking was exhausting. She’d have to call Doug for a letter, but she thought he was usually less busy in the morning. She’d have to wait till tomorrow, then, to call him.
There were six other jobs on her list. But they were all going to ask for the same thing. Better to wait and call them after she had letters of recommendation ready to go. Anyway, she’d gotten together a list. And called one. That was enough for one day. She rewarded herself with a nap.
“Ben just called me.”
“He did?”
“Were you asleep? It’s the middle of the day!” Kira sounded shocked.
“Why did Ben call you?” Meredith asked, trying to erase the croaky sleepiness from her voice.
“He invited me out with you guys tonight.”
“Great.” She sat up in bed, trying to orient herself. Had Ben mentioned plans for this evening? “What are we doing again?”
“The whole gang is meeting for happy hour.”
“The whole gang?”
“The residents you guys hang out with.”
“Oh, them. I don’t actually hang with them,” she informed Kira.
“Well, we’ll change that tonight.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” She sighed. “What time did Ben say?”
“He’s going to call you.”
As soon as they hung up, the phone rang again.
“Hey.” His voice was warm and friendly.
“Hey yourself. I just talked to Kira.”
“I thought she could use a night out.”
Meredith was completely awake now. “And so you invited Mike Pederson out with us tonight.”
“Just to expose them to each other. Kira can always say no.”
“Or Mike may not be interested.”
“Exactly.”
“But he will be, won’t he?”
“Yes.”
Meredith sighed. “I’m against this. But it appears I can’t stop it.”
“The ball’s in Kira’s court. And if it’s not Mike, it will be someone else. At least Mike is a nice guy.”
Meredith arrived at the bar late. She’d kept delaying her departure for inconsequential reasons.
Ben was watching for her. He waved her to their table, reached up to take her hands and pull her into the seat next to him. “Greetings,” he whispered, kissing her cheek. “It’s good to see you outside of your three rooms.” She felt eyes upon them and blushed, pushing Ben’s head away. He persisted in a public display by wrapping his arms around her.
“Do you all know Meredith?” he asked the table as he held her in place. There was a general response of grunts, hellos, and salutes. Meredith smiled and nodded back, her eyes searching for Kira’s blond head. She turned her eyes inquisitively toward Ben, who nodded at the bar.
Kira was leaning back against the long oak bar. Mike Pederson was leaning in. “He looks like a vulture,” Meredith commented.
“Take it easy. They’re just talking.”
“Is she wearing her ring?”
Ben shook his head. “Just leave her be.”
Turning away from Kira, Meredith looked back at her table and realized with a start that Ann was seated directly across from her, talking with a woman with red hair. Oh great. “Boy, you sure know how to give a girl a good time.”
“What’s wrong?” Ben asked anxiously.
No clue, Meredith thought to herself. “How long has Kira been up there with that guy?”
“Mike. Ease up. She’s a big girl.”
> “Do these people all know I was fired?” she whispered.
“They have no idea.”
Meredith nodded with relief and refocused on the table in front of her. The topic was medicine. Surprise, surprise, she thought.
“They helicoptered him in from Belen. Our team met them on the roof.”
“And the ambulance brought in the other one?”
“That’s bullshit!”
“The one they ‘coptered was hemorrhaging like crazy.”
“He was a gang member.”
“He still has the right to medical care.”
“Sure he does. But drive him in the ambulance. ‘Copter the guy he stabbed.”
“An honor student.”
“Well, there you go. ‘Copter the honor student.”
“The honor student didn’t need the helicopter.”
“Isn’t he dead?”
“Yes. He arrested in the ambulance. Unexpectedly.”
“The gang member’s alive.”
“I wouldn’t have worked on him.”
“Oh, I’d like to have seen you tell Devore that you weren’t going to work on him.”
“He would have whooped your ass.”
“He would have knocked you off the roof!”
“Who else was up there?”
“Devore, Armenti, Tockner, and Jim Loew.”
“I was up there.” It was Ann. Like a pack of wolves, the whole table seemed to launch themselves toward her.
“You were there?”
“Did you know who he was?”
“Had the honor student died yet?”
“I knew he was a gang member. I knew the honor student he had stabbed was dead. My job is to save people’s lives. No matter whom they are. I’m not God.”
“Come on!” A tall man with glasses was speaking with some violence. “He killed that boy!”
Searching For Meredith Love Page 20