by Leigh Bale
“You helped?” Jakob looked pleasantly surprised.
“She did. I couldn’t have done it without her,” Abby said, noticing how the girl beamed.
“That’s nice. No doubt you’ll be as good a cook as Abby and Grossmammi one day.” Jakob’s voice was filled with complimentary thanks.
“Ja, it was easy. Just mix a box of pudding. But Abby also adds cream for more richness. She taught me how,” Ruby said.
Abby sat near Reuben, hiding a smile of amusement. Ruby had quoted her words verbatim, speaking as if she now knew a special secret. But honestly, it had been fun to teach the girl to make a cream pie. Even Naomi had watched with a critical eye as Abby had stirred in the cream. The older woman had then commented that it was a clever way to add in a richer flavor to the pudding mix.
“The pie is for after lunch. First, we should eat something more nutritious.” Abby reached into the basket, then handed each of the boys a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
Reuben peeled back the wrapper, and a small slip of paper fell out. Although the children were now out of school for the summer, over the past weeks, Abby had continued putting uplifting notes in his lunch. She also left a special message around the house for Ruby to find each day. While Ruby was delighted by the kind messages, Reuben continued to deny ever receiving them.
The boy picked up the note and Abby held her breath, thinking he might finally read and comment on it. Instead, he crumpled it in his fist and let it fall to the ground. Jakob and Ruby were busy with their own food and didn’t seem to notice.
Abby’s heart plummeted. She released a low sigh of frustration, thinking she might never win the boy’s approval.
Sitting beside her brother, Ruby plunged her bare feet into the cooling water of the creek. Reuben soon thrust his feet in, too. Between bites of her own sandwich, Ruby chattered nonstop about how tall the corn sprouts were getting and how big the kittens were growing. Since he loved both topics as much as the girl did, Reuben didn’t seem to mind her constant babbling.
“We’re gonna have a bumper crop of corn, that’s for sure,” Reuben said, quoting Dawdi Zeke.
“We’re gonna have a bumper crop of kittens, too,” Ruby said.
Reuben munched on some potato chips before tossing a few blades of grass into the swirling creek. “Ja, I think Tiger is the biggest.”
“That’s because he’s a boy,” Ruby said. “Grossmammi says the babies will soon be big enough to live in the barn, but I’d rather they lived in the house with us.”
Taking a bite of food, Abby covered a low chuckle.
“Why do you think that’s funny?” Jakob whispered, leaning toward her with a conspiratorial glance.
Abby spoke in a quiet voice so Ruby wouldn’t hear. “I think Naomi is tired of the kittens running around the kitchen and making messes. They’ve gotten big enough to climb out of their box and are constantly underfoot. Soon, they’ll be all over the house. She is definitely ready for them to live in the barn.”
He released a low laugh, then nodded and spoke loud enough for Ruby to hear. “Once they are old enough, the babies will live in the barn.”
Ruby frowned over her shoulder at her father. “But I don’t want them to get hit by a car like Amber. I want them to stay inside with us, where they will be safe.”
Although Reuben was silent, his eyes also showed a glint of concern.
“We can’t lock them up forever. Animals need to be free to live their life and be happy. Imagine how you would feel if I locked you in the house all day and night,” Jakob said, his voice gentle but firm.
“I wouldn’t like that at all,” Ruby said.
“Neither would I,” Reuben said.
“But Daed, they might get hurt if they live out in the barn...” Ruby spoke in a slightly whining voice.
“The cats will live in the barn. Gott will look after them, just as He looks after us,” Jakob said, his tone hinting that there would be no more discussion on the subject.
As Abby expected, Reuben refused to eat the pie she’d made. Ruby had no such inhibitions and chewed with relish. Reuben glanced at her several times, a look of hunger in his eyes, but he didn’t ask for any. Both children seemed overly quiet. Abby figured out why when she heard Ruby whisper to her brother.
“Do you really think Gott will protect the kittens if they live in the barn?”
“Ja, Daed said so and that’s gut enough for me. Stop worrying about them,” Reuben said.
Abby was impressed. Although Reuben hadn’t seemed to accept his mother’s death and he kept his distance from her, she knew the boy had a tender heart and trusted his father enough to accept his faith in the Lord. Even without their mother’s aid, Jakob was doing a good job raising his children.
Ruby seemed to be rather gloomy now, fretting over the babies. Seeing her downcast expression, Reuben suddenly kicked his foot, splashing water on her.
“Hey!” Ruby kicked back and the two children were soon engaged in a water fight. With the heat of the day, it didn’t matter. The water would cool them off.
“You can’t catch me.” Ruby hopped up and took off toward the corrals.
“Ja, I can.” Reuben chased after her.
Their laughter filled the air as they let off some energy before returning to their chores.
Abby glanced over to where Reuben had dropped the note she had tucked into his sandwich, but it was no longer there. She shrugged, thinking it must have blown away.
Watching the children run, she smiled at their gaiety. “I wish Simon had played with me like that when we were young.”
The moment she said the words, she regretted them. Jakob turned her way, having heard her comment. She’d tried to keep her past life private and didn’t want to reveal more than she must. But Jakob already knew almost everything, so it didn’t really matter anymore.
“Why do you think he wouldn’t play with you?” Jakob asked.
She shrugged. “I fear he learned very early from our father to...”
She bit her tongue, trying not to speak the words.
“What did Simon learn from your father?” Jakob pressed, his voice soft but insistent.
Abby tucked the empty food containers back into the basket. “You already know my vadder could be quite cruel at times.”
Most of the time, actually. She had not one single memory of him ever smiling, and she had no idea what his laughter sounded like. In retrospect, she realized he must have been a very unhappy person. And Simon was just like him. She just didn’t understand why. What had made her father so miserable?
Jakob rested a hand on her arm, and she went very still. “Abby. Please talk to me.”
She lifted her head, meeting his gaze. He held a purple wild iris in front of her eyes. He’d plucked it from nearby. Abby stared, charmed by his gesture. It was the first time a man—any man—had given her a flower, and she wanted the moment to last. Taking it from him, she brought the velvety petals close to her face and breathed in their sweet fragrance.
“Don’t you think Simon came up with some of his meanness on his own? He didn’t learn it all from your vadder,” Jakob said.
She caught the note of disapproval in his tone and hesitated before bowing her head. “I think all of us have the capacity for good and bad, but my vadder encouraged Simon through his poor example. You would never allow Reuben to treat Ruby badly. But you’ve also provided a good example for your children to follow. Simon never had that in our home growing up.”
“Danke for the compliment. I try to be a good, responsible parent, although sometimes I need to do better. But I can’t imagine ever whipping someone with a strap, even if I had seen my vadder do it. Gott would not approve of such actions. Not ever. Is that what your vadder did to you? Or is Simon responsible for the scars my mudder saw on your shoulders?” A bit of outrage tainted his questions.
Abby couldn’t imagine whipping someone either, and yet it had happened to her. But it was still difficult to open up and tell him.
“I wish you’d confide in me. It might help,” Jakob said, his voice soft with encouragement.
She hesitated as memories rushed over her. Normally, she would have said no. But this time, something felt different. Like she finally had a friend she could trust. Someone she could count on, who would never betray her.
She took a deep breath, thinking he might be right. For so long, she’d kept the abuse to herself, locked up inside her heart and mind. For years, she’d even blamed herself. But as she’d grown older and attended church, listening to the preachings, she’d learned that Gott didn’t approve of such violence and anger. He was a kind, loving Heavenly Father who wanted only the best for His children.
For her.
In all these long years, she hadn’t spoken about what had happened to anyone. Until now.
Before she could stop herself, it all poured out. Like a valve that had suddenly burst and the steam released in a hurried rush. Her voice wobbled, and she felt the burn of tears. She also felt the anger, the humiliation and the pain that followed. She told Jakob everything. About the whippings, the criticism and being locked in the root cellar when she was bad. Which must have been often, because she’d spent a lot of time in that dark place. She’d felt worthless and ugly inside. And when she finished her story, she stared at the wild iris lying in her lap, letting its beauty remind her that there was still so much to live for. Her hands were shaking, and she gripped them together to stop.
A long pause followed, with just the rustling of the wind to break the silence.
“You know Gott would never approve of what your vadder and Simon did to you, don’t you?” Jakob asked.
No, for a long time, she’d really believed it was her fault. That if she worked harder and was smarter, faster, better, then her father would finally appreciate and love her. Now, she realized that Jakob was right. Her father’s failing had nothing to do with her. At the time, spilling the milk had seemed so serious. So negligent. She’d felt horrible for what she’d done. Thoughtless and useless. But what about the times when she’d simply walked into a room and become the target of abuse? And for the umpteenth time, she wondered why her father had always gotten so upset at her. Why had he seemed to hate her so much? She would probably never know.
She took a deep inhale and let it go. “Perhaps Gott wanted me to learn from my experience. It has made me a much more compassionate person. For a long time, I thought I could make my vadder and Simon love me. But no matter how hard I tried, they always seemed to despise me. Especially Simon.”
“He may not be capable of love,” Jakob said, his voice filled with pity.
“Ja, and I think it must be because he hates himself. I wish I could have helped him somehow. To make him see how his hatred was cankering him inside and making him and everyone around him so unhappy. But he never allowed me to get close enough to try. I feel so sorry for his wife and kinder, because he has turned his anger on them, too.” She wiped her damp eyes.
Jakob took her trembling hands into his and squeezed gently, holding them for several moments. “Just as you said, we all have the capacity for good and bad. Simon is in control of his own actions, no matter what your vadder did. Instead of protecting and loving you, he made the choice to hurt you. He could have chosen differently. We each have our own free agency to choose.”
Abby lifted her face and met his eyes. “Ja, you are right. But I can’t help wondering. Wasn’t I worthy of his protection? Wasn’t I good enough to earn his and my vadder’s love?”
“Oh, Abby.” He took her into his arms and held her close.
She knew she shouldn’t let him touch her. That she should push him away. But she couldn’t do it. Instead, she breathed him in, feeling his warmth surrounding her. His protection. She felt so safe whenever he was near.
Finally, she moved back, feeling hollow inside. He’d been kind, but he loved Susan. They were friends and nothing more. It would be better if she just kept her distance and looked for a new place to live. She couldn’t compete with a dead woman for his affections. She could never win his love. And that’s what hurt most of all.
* * *
Jakob sat back and watched as Abby quickly packed up the basket. She carefully placed the wild iris he’d given her inside, and he wondered if she intended to keep it. He stood, thinking he should help her, but he didn’t dare touch her again. He’d listened as she’d told him about her life, her voice an aching whisper. Tears had washed her cheeks, and he’d longed to brush them aside. To ease her pain and see her smile again. But he feared she might take his actions the wrong way. A feeling of love for Abby enveloped his being, but he fought it off. Even though she was gone, he couldn’t betray his vows to Susan.
“You are worthy, Abby. You are a daughter of Gott. What could be more worthy than that?” he said, hoping she believed him.
She showed an unsteady smile. “Danke for listening to a foolish young woman’s ramblings. But I’d appreciate it if you’d keep these things just between the two of us.”
Her voice cracked and so did his heart.
Of course she didn’t want others to know what had happened to her. He couldn’t blame her. But he wished there was some way for her to see herself as he saw her. As a lovely woman who was worthy of a man’s love. Not because of anything she did or didn’t do, but simply because of who she was. If he hadn’t already met Susan and given his heart away, he would be free to love Abby...
No! It did no good to think that way. He had married Susan. He had loved her. He always would. In the short time they’d been together, they had shared so much. A love like that didn’t come along twice in a lifetime.
Or did it?
The outline of Abby’s kapp and sweet profile looked so innocent that he longed to hold her in his arms again. But that would only increase the confusion between them. They were merely friends. It was best if he kept his distance, for both of their benefit.
“You are willkomm. And trust that I will not share your words with anyone, this I promise,” he said.
A long, swelling silence followed.
She gestured to the bubbling creek. “Do you think we’ll have enough water to last the summer?”
“Ach, I do. Someday when I’ve saved enough, I hope to buy a lateral irrigation system. It’s expensive, but worth it. A pivot system is easier, but it wastes a lot of good land. A lateral system would cover the entire area of our rectangular fields and give us a much greater yield of produce.” He spread his arms wide to indicate the corn and hay fields. “A sprinkler system would make it so that I could devote more time to our furniture-making business. I love farming, but I love working with the wood, too. I really think I could set up a shop and make a go of it in town, as long as I knew my familye had its needs met first.”
“That plan sounds wundervoll. I have no doubt we can make it work.”
She shifted her weight, and he sensed that she was restless. Then he realized that he’d just confided his own hopes and dreams to her, too. She was so easy to talk to. So easy to be around.
Glancing toward the house, he saw Reuben trotting toward them. The boy seemed to know that it was time to return to their labors. Ruby must have stayed at the house with Naomi.
“Ach, here comes Reuben. I better get back to work,” he said.
“Ja, me, too. Naomi will be wondering what happened to me.”
She stepped away and he watched her go. Ducking his head, he picked up his hoe and started working with the water, weeding as he moved down each row. He longed to call her back, to ask if she could help with the weeding. They could visit while they worked together and make the chore pass more quickly. The thistle and lamb’s-quarter were bad this year. If he didn’t remain vigilant, the weeds could crowd out the corn and cause yield los
s in their crop.
When he looked up, Reuben stood in another row, hoeing out the weeds. Abby was gone. No doubt she was inside the house, helping Mamm with the baking, washing laundry, scrubbing floors or tending to the kittens.
“Why don’t you like Abby?” he asked his son.
Reuben jerked his head up, a surprised look on his face. “I... I just don’t.”
Jakob leaned against the handle of his hoe, choosing his words carefully. “She’s done nothing to hurt you.”
“I know.” Reuben looked away, a guilty flush staining his face.
“Then why are you so sharp with her? Why won’t you eat any of the delicious pies she makes?”
“Mamm made pies, too,” the boy said.
Ah, yes. And no doubt the youngster thought no one could make pies as well as his mother.
“Is that it? You think Abby is trying to take your mudder’s place?” Jakob asked.
The boy gave a belligerent jerk of his shoulders. “I don’t know.”
Jakob stepped across the row and placed two fingers beneath the boy’s chin before lifting his head to meet his eyes. “Mein sohn, you have been given a great gift. You remember your mudder so well. You know how much she loved you and you loved her. Don’t you?”
Reuben answered fiercely, his eyes suddenly damp. “Ja, she loved me and I loved her.”
“And no one can ever take that love from you. But Abby never really knew her mudder. She has lived her entire life believing that no one loves her.”
The boy’s brow crinkled. “What about her vadder and bruder?”
Jakob shook his head sadly. “Not even them.”
“But why? Your familye is s’posed to love you no matter what.”
How innocent his son was. How sweet, loyal and impressionable. But Jakob was unwilling to betray Abby’s confidence.
“It doesn’t matter why. Until she marries, she only has us. I’m positive if she had lived, Mamm would have been good friends with Abby. She doesn’t want to take your mudder’s place. She just wants to live and be happy and accepted. It’s okay for you to be nice and like her. Can you do that?”