To Honor and To Protect

by Debra Webb

  “When did you find out it was a boy?”

  “On my first doctor’s visit in the new city. I cried so hard and started calling him Andy immediately.”

  “You know I’d do anything to go back and change what happened. To be there for you through all that.”

  “I know.” Addison sighed and pushed at her hair. “I believed it back then, when I thought you’d come back. And I believed you were an angel watching over us when they told me you’d died.”

  “And now?”

  “I believe you want to be part of his life.”

  “Addi...”

  She waited, but he didn’t say anything more. “It’s done, Drew,” she said, hoping to bridge the gap at last. “Trust me, I never felt abandoned.” God-awful lonely. Furious that life would demand so much. Often weary, shouldering the burden on her own, but never abandoned.

  “How can you say that? I left you at the altar.”

  She felt her lips twitch. “You know very well I never actually got that far.”

  “Why didn’t you use my last name for Andy? And you could’ve gone to the JAG office for support.”

  She’d thought about turning to the army’s legal branch, especially for the benefits that could’ve been arranged for Drew’s son. But after hearing Drew had died on a mission, she needed space from the military. She’d been fortunate enough at the time to find work that made that option possible. “He’s Andrew Bryant Collins,” she explained. “I wanted to honor you, for the sake of all three of us, but different last names as he went through school felt like more of a challenge than I wanted to tackle at the time.”

  “Fair enough.” His chest rose and fell on a heavy sigh. “I look at him and think about all the things I’ve missed.” He toyed with her hand. “Just when I get mad about being cheated, I feel guilty that you’ve had to do it all alone. I don’t want you to be a single parent anymore.”

  Was he saying he wanted to be part of their future? Andy was nearly eight, but there were plenty of milestones left. At thirty-five, she still had time to expand their family with a brother or sister for Andy. It was all too easy to picture a quick, quiet wedding followed by the rest of their lives together. As a family.

  The world didn’t toss out second chances like this all the time. A silly, sweet proposal was dancing on the tip of her tongue, an echo of how he’d once proposed to her. The timing would be terrible or perfect, depending on his view of their circumstances. She just had to muster up the courage to ask him.

  “Good Lord, Addi. Will you ever forgive me?”

  She already had. “You couldn’t prevent what happened that day and it seems like you’re determined to make up for lost time now.” She realized she was well on her way to forgiving him for hiding since his return, as well. “Following me through the bayous is above and beyond the call of duty for a former groom.”

  “Stop saying things like that,” he grumbled. “It was supposed to be a few days. Two weeks, tops. Not the better part of eight years.”

  “And you should stop those kinds of comments.” Six years of torture, deprivation and abuse while she’d had six years of first-world comforts, decent therapists and the company of their delightful son. Nothing could ever make that even out. “We both need to let go.”

  “Yeah.” He rolled his shoulders as if he could shrug away the burdens she knew they were both carrying. “Do you have any pictures? From the wedding day,” he added.

  “Only a few of the setup, getting dressed, that kind of thing.” Those snapshots were in the safe-deposit box, where she’d stowed them the following year, unable to look at them anymore. “Why?”

  “I’d like to know if I was right.”

  “About what?”

  “Thinking of you in your wedding dress walking down the aisle toward me kept me going. When I dreamed, it was of you. Any star in the sky got hit with my wish to see you again.”

  She swallowed and blinked away the sudden surge of tears.

  “There were a few variations, but one dress was the default, I guess you’d call it,” he said on a weary chuckle. “I said my vows countless times a day, determined to live long enough to say them to you.”

  He’d told her he’d imagined their day, but to this level of detail? It shouldn’t be shocking because she’d felt much the same, but it was. Or maybe that was the chemistry zipping through her bloodstream making her feel so attuned to him. “What kind of dress did you imagine?”

  “Strapless,” he rumbled in a sexy growl. “White and strapless. You wore pearls.”

  She nodded. They’d discussed that once. She wanted to wear her mother’s pearls when she married him. It had never occurred to her to wear those pearls to marry Craig.

  “There was lace at the top,” he continued. “Snug at the waist. I could feel the lace under my hands when I pulled you close for our first kiss as husband and wife.”

  Goodness. She wasn’t sure she could remember how to breathe.

  “The bottom skirt swept out and away in a short train, I guess you call it.”

  He had been pretty close to what she’d chosen. If she ever had a chance to marry this man, she promised herself that was the dress he would see.

  “Am I close?”

  “It sounds lovely.”

  “But am I close?”

  “There was lace,” she admitted. She was torn between affirming his fantasy and maintaining the element of surprise. Just in case. “When I get back to the city I’ll show you the pictures.”

  “Okay.”

  He didn’t sound too happy about the idea and she wondered which part turned him off. As she understood it, when he’d come home he’d basically hidden himself away. Maybe the old memories and obvious mutual attraction weren’t enough to start over with. He wanted to be part of Andy’s life, but maybe she’d changed too much. Maybe she couldn’t live up to his memory of his Southern girl. “I heard you tell Andy you’d been to San Francisco once.”

  She felt the tension ripple through him. “Uh-huh.”

  “After, um, you got back.”

  “Yeah.”

  Would she have to pull out the story word by word? “When?”

  “About ten months ago.”

  That would’ve been shortly after she’d accepted Craig’s proposal. “Did you do any sightseeing?” she prompted when he didn’t volunteer anything more.

  “Like Fisherman’s Wharf?” He fidgeted beside her. “No. I saw you with another man and a little boy. You were playing in a park near your condo. I watched for a little while.”

  Why hadn’t she noticed him? She thought back, unable to pinpoint any day that stood out. Trips to the park happened too frequently. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she demanded, anger spiking even though it was far too late.

  “I couldn’t.” His voice cracked. “It was obvious you had a family, that you’d moved on. You were happy.” He squeezed her hand. “I went back to the airport and waited for the next flight to Detroit.”

  Had she been happy? Happy enough, she supposed, with her healthy son, an excellent job and a considerate man who wanted to be her husband.

  If Drew had walked up to them that day, what would she have done?

  “I had to leave,” he said. “No other choice.”

  “I disagree.”

  “You’re allowed to do so.”

  She didn’t appreciate the cold finality of that statement. “I had every right to know you were back. Alive.”

  “Did you? What would that have gained?”

  “It would’ve gained you a son!”

  “I didn’t know that,” he shot back.

  Biting her lip, she held back the torrent of useless accusations and predictions. He’d come out, seen her happy and left. She tried to see it from his point of view, but she was too wrapped up in the pain as she imagined him walking away.

  “You were happy,” he repeated. “I couldn’t mess that up. Sure, I’d wanted you to be happy with me, but I refused to be responsible for caus
ing you trouble or making you miserable.”

  The pain in his voice was unbearable. “But walking away caused you pain.”

  “Not as much as you think.”

  “What?”

  He sighed in the dark. “Seeing you happy and knowing one of us had found a good life helped me heal. It gave me hope and courage to make a life for myself.”

  “Oh.” She had to wait for her heart to catch up with his words. “I wish you’d said something.” When she thought of what he and Andy had missed—what she had missed—her heart broke all over again. For days lost and time wasted. If she’d gone to the JAG office with news of her pregnancy, would they have told her when he’d returned? She could wish and hope they might have at least told him he had a son.

  “I understand, truly I do.” Though she didn’t believe she had enough courage and integrity to have done the same if the roles had been reversed. Guilt and tenderness and more love than she could hold rolled through her in waves. She turned away from the water, trying to make out his features in the weak moonlight. For too short a time this remarkable, heroic man had been hers. Always thinking of others first. Honorable. Strong. It was no wonder she’d never let another man close to her heart. Who could’ve measured up? She’d put him on a pedestal—for herself and Andy—but she’d known even from day one that he wasn’t perfect.

  Just perfect for her.

  She rose onto her knees and gifted him with a kiss. It was a poor reward for his remarkable courage, yet she put all her heart into it.

  The moment spun out, the sweet contact quickly transforming into something hotter and deeper, stripping away the world until it was only the two of them. God, she’d missed this mesmerizing pull that made her feel weak and strong at the same time. Memories of this kind of passion had haunted her since she’d walked away from the church, alone and pregnant.

  Reluctantly, she pulled back, her breath coming in small, shallow sips as she fought for control. Beside them, by some miracle, her son slept on.

  “Take him, Drew,” she whispered, sitting back on her heels.

  He didn’t answer and she worried she hadn’t actually said the words aloud.

  “Please,” she begged. “It’s the best solution. You can get Andy to safety. I’ll deal with Craig and come find you.”

  * * *

  DREW SHOOK HIS HEAD. “I’m not leaving you out here alone.” He admired her courage, understood where it was coming from, but he refused to budge from her side. She’d never be alone again if he had any choice in the matter.

  “You could keep him safe in Detroit,” she pleaded. “Craig doesn’t know anything about you.”

  “No, Addi. We’ll get through this together.” He turned her so her back rested against his chest while he used the tree for support. Her legs were pale, bracketed by his, and their hands linked lightly across her waist. In the quiet, he thought she might sleep, but soon she was toying with the charms on her necklace, a sure sign her brain was still working overtime.

  “What’s that?” He couldn’t quite squelch the jealousy, wondering who’d given her something she valued so much.

  She tensed. “You heard something?”

  “Relax. I was asking about the necklace. You didn’t wear anything like that—”

  “When we were together,” she finished for him.

  “Exactly.” It felt so natural to hear her do that again. They’d often finished each other’s sentences or train of thought. He’d been curious about the necklace since he’d noticed it that first night at Mama Leonie’s shack, but he wasn’t sure he could cope if the answer involved Everett.

  Now, after hearing everything she’d never shared with Everett, he suspected she’d never loved the man. Which gave him hope that the bastard had nothing to do with the necklace. She wasn’t wearing an engagement ring, either. Not even the one he’d given her.

  He waited while she fidgeted, watching her rub one toe up and down her opposite calf. Bug bites or nerves? Likely a bit of both. He knew she wouldn’t lie to him, but somehow it made him feel better that she didn’t just offer up a quick answer.

  “You remember that necklace you gave me for our three-month anniversary?”

  He’d never forgotten the little heart-shaped charm inscribed with their initials and the date they’d met. “You rarely wore it.”

  “That’s not true.” She made a little noise of impatience. “I just bought a longer chain and you know it.”

  “Maybe,” he teased. He remembered that she didn’t like anything right up close to her throat. Except his lips. The thought, the memories of having her in his arms, under him, sighing his name made him hard. Not the time or place, but he promised himself he wouldn’t leave her, and he definitely wouldn’t let her resume her old life before they had a chance to rediscover the explosive chemistry between them.

  “Between the necklace and the engagement ring you gave me, I felt loved and safe. Weird, but true.”

  It didn’t sound weird at all to him. “In my cell, I used to think about holding hands with you, remembering how your ring felt between my fingers.”

  “Drew.”

  The way she sighed his name had his whole body aching to claim hers.

  “That charm felt like my anchor. A talisman. I nearly panicked when that little diamond came loose one day.”

  “Did you find it?”

  “Yes, through a fit of tears,” she said. “A jeweler reset it for me, but I worried about it anyway.” She took a breath and held it. “When your dad told me the awful news, he gave me your dog tags.”

  “What?” A chill raised the hair at the back of his neck. He couldn’t quite picture his father doing something like that.

  “For the baby,” she explained. “He stood at my door and told me the chaplain had delivered the news. He couldn’t bring himself to do a formal memorial service, but he wanted me to have something to show our child.

  “When he left, I slipped them over my head and wore them alongside the necklace through the rest of my pregnancy,” she whispered in a raw voice. “And the delivery, too, so it felt like you were there with us.”

  He stroked her shoulders. Speaking was impossible.

  “I’d had to take off the engagement ring during my last trimester. I slid it onto the same chain with your tags. On the day that would’ve been our first wedding anniversary, I decided to set the tags aside for Andy, but I had the jeweler make these charms first.” She held them up, even though it was too dark for him to see. “One is a miniature of your dog tag and the other is the heart charm, but I had the date changed to Andy’s birthday.”

  Same initials, only a slightly different meaning. Was it any wonder he loved her? “What about the engagement ring?”

  “It’s in a safe-deposit box waiting for the day when Andy wants to propose. I thought you’d appreciate giving him that option.”

  “You were right.” Her thoughtfulness, her care for preserving the best of what they’d had only proved how right they’d been for each other. He’d been so lucky to find her. Would he be lucky enough to keep her?

  “When Andy was four, I showed him your dog tags and really started explaining who you were. Andy has them still.” She twisted around, frowning. “Unless they were left behind at Nico’s cabin.”

  He hoped not, for Andy’s sake. He kissed her right on that crease between her eyebrows. “We’ll go back and look if he doesn’t have them.” Drew had been motivated to protect Addi and wrap up this mess before, but he was doubly motivated now.

  In the bag he’d packed two transmitters that would call in Casey’s reinforcements. It was tempting to activate one right now and get the hell out of here, but it would potentially give Everett room to escape again. If Everett thought he’d lost all hope of stopping Addi, he would surely disappear.

  When they left this swamp, Drew wanted to be sure they wouldn’t be looking over their shoulders for danger the rest of their lives. Besides, Addi wouldn’t rest until justice had been served to Everett
.

  So close. The moment that was accomplished, sooner if it proved necessary, Drew would hit his knees and beg for her to take him back. He could practically smell what life would be like with her. Waking up each morning next to the woman he loved as their son slept in his bedroom down the hall. He could hear the patter of small feet as they filled a house with children. He wanted to see her pregnant, experience every minute of that with her, if she was willing.

  He stroked his hands up and down her arms, just needing the contact. She’d worn his dog tags in one way or another since he’d disappeared. Surely a shrink would agree that it symbolized a commitment of some sort. He wanted to believe, like him, she’d never given up on the dreams they’d shared.

  He cringed as she went back to watching the water. They were out here partly because of him, and she deserved his best to overcome it. If by some cruel twist of fate Everett got the better of them, he knew a shrink wouldn’t be enough for him to recover. He just couldn’t lose her again. “Addi?”

  “Hmm?”

  “If I’d come forward that day in the park, would you have taken me back?”

  “The minute I’d been revived from fainting.”

  That scenario was laughable. “I don’t think so. You didn’t faint when I found you in the swamp.”

  “I was in mama-bear mode and not about to let anything near my son. Our son.”

  Her correction was sobering. “I’m sorry I didn’t come forward. You might not be in this mess if I had.”

  His skin sizzled when she rubbed a hand along his thigh. “I’ll grant this isn’t ideal, but I choose to believe we’re right where we should be. The lost time is unfortunate, but I hate to think how long Everett would’ve gotten away with his illegal deals if I hadn’t recognized something was off.”

  “There is that,” he agreed.

  They seemed to be out of words again and a companionable silence fell over them as they kept watch. He thought she might’ve dozed as her head rested on his chest, but it didn’t matter. He was alert enough for both of them.

  Once more he considered activating a transmitter, and then rejected the idea yet again. He’d use both of them, but not until he could put one of them on Everett.