January 27
Dear Diary,
This is crazy. I’m crazy. Not five minutes ago, I overheard Dad talking with Damian outside. He told Damian that he’s part of the family now, which is great. Awesome. Spectacular. I mean, I love having him with me, beside me. I don’t know how I’d make it through this without him, but…
What if I choose to not take the drug? I’m leaning toward that decision, and each time I think about it I can’t wrap my mind around how this will affect Damian long-term. With everything he’s already been through, how can I add to it?
Even so, he has to let go of his mother and Liam. Move on from the past. Make amends with his father, regardless of my decision. Because all the hurt, all the pain, all the anger he carries will kill him.
And I’m not sure he sees that.
But peace and healing can only come with forgiveness, and I have a feeling the person he needs to forgive the most is himself.
Only then can he move on. Find himself and where his heart truly lies.
Again, I may be insane—off my rocker, Grandma would say—but I think I can give him that. At least lead him to the pool. I can’t make him drink.
This drug isn’t a guarantee. I’m living on borrowed time if I take it. I’m living on borrowed time if I don’t.
I love Damian too much for him to destroy himself after I’m gone. It’s going to hurt, I can’t stop that. It’s the price we pay when we love someone.
We’ll take baby steps, though, in the form of five wishes.
And then…
Then he’ll have what he needs to let me go.
I close her diary and focus on the wall. That entry was her end game. Because she loved me. Because she knew someday I’d have to live without her.
“Oh God, Katie,” I say out loud as I finally realize what she’d been telling me.
Those five wishes? They were Kate’s gift. Her promise of always being with me is wrapped up in those five little wishes, and now I finally see them for what they are.
One: A visit to Mom and Liam’s graves to drive me out of the anger stage of my grief.
Two: Golfing in order to begin the process of fixing my relationship with my father.
Three: Watching the sunrises with her not only because she wanted to see them, but to remind me of what she said. That no matter how dark it gets, the sun always rises and starts a new day. The darkness is forgotten.
Four: Me graduating from high school, the first step in moving forward without her.
Five: To let her go.
These are what Kate left behind.
With me for always.
Chapter 26
Ellie
I can’t sleep. Damian clouds my head, and my mind keeps sending me flashbacks of moments long gone and words I’ve tried to forget.
As I close my eyes, all I can see is his smile, both dimples pinching inward as those gorgeous blues I love sparkle in the glow of orange, yellow, and red flames. The memory overwhelms me:
Dr. Lowell had some charity event, and because they were giving him a special award in honor of Liam’s service, he expected Damian to go—and Damian had asked me to go with him.
I did—reluctantly—but neither of us lasted an hour among all those people who kept telling us what a wonderful person Liam was. It had been a year since his death, and the condolences still weighed on us. Those people didn’t know Liam like we did.
“They’re just trying to be nice,” I said, prying Damian’s fist open and replacing it with my palm. I led him to a secluded corner of the ballroom before he could lash out on some unsuspecting member of the city council.
“It’s pissing you off too.” His gaze sliced into me, and I suddenly felt small under his scrutiny. “You know he would have hated this circus, all these shitty decorations, and the fucking award. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about this stuff. The only thing he wanted was to help people, not spend thousands of dollars to have these people parade about and pat each other on the backs on a job well done. This is bullshit, Ellie.”
I glanced at my shoes, then looked up at him. “You’re right, it does piss me off, but Damian, there’s nothing we can do about it. The money is spent. The people are here. The award will be given.”
He twisted and scanned the room of tuxedos, evening gowns, and champagne. When he faced me again, there was a mischievous spark in his eyes.
“Maybe there is something we can do,” he mused. “See the penguin with the beard and yellow tie over there?” He held me against him and I followed to where he nodded. “He’s the organizer, and earlier I saw him put a trophy thing behind the podium.”
“For Liam?” I asked, even though it was a stupid question.
“That’s why we’re here, right?”
“Okay, so then what?”
Damian smirked. “Then you and I can honor him the way he would have wanted.”
“How?”
He leaned into me until his lips were at my ear and his warm breath was hot on my neck. The motion sent a chill through me. “You’ll see.” He slipped the valet ticket in my hand. “Get the car. Meet me at the front.”
I immediately knew that whatever he had planned, I was on board. Sticking it to the man for Liam made me feel a little rebellious, and it felt good.
I did as Damian asked, and just as the valet rolled his black BMW to a stop at the curb, Damian was behind me and opening the passenger side door. His grin was devilish, and I couldn’t help the excitement bubbling under my skin at whatever happened next.
He slid behind the wheel, closed the door, and pulled a glass trophy from under his jacket. “Piece of cake.”
“Your Dad’s going to know it was us,” I pointed out, setting the award on my lap.
Damian shrugged. “Good. He also should know this whole shindig is a massive waste of time.”
I wasn’t surprised when we pulled into Damian’s driveway. Or that he led me around the back instead of taking me inside. We were doing this for Liam, so of course our private event would happen outside in one of his favorite places in the world.
“Want to get your hands dirty?” Damian asked as he opened the door to the shed.
“I’m game.”
“You might ruin your dress.” Damian’s brow quirked, and his sly grin returned. Clearly, he already knew my answer. And the way his eyes roamed over me, head to toe, I knew he had something else on his mind too.
“Do you care?”
His dimples deepened. “Not as long as it ends up on my floor tonight.”
“I’m sure it will,” I flirted back, and it was the first time I realized I wanted to be with him. Not because I needed to numb the pain or forget about Liam, but being with him, having his body against mine had my heart racing.
Damian disappeared into the shed and came back with an armload of firewood. “It’s bonfire time.”
I laughed. “Perfect.”
I helped carry wood to the pit Liam built a few years ago. He even created log benches that circle the stone ring in the center. The two of us spent so many nights out here I’d lost track.
When we finished, my sleek mint-green gown was filthy and covered with snags. I wiped my hands on the satin while Damian placed the award on top of the pile. He stepped back and stood next to me, admiring our work.
He picked up the can of lighter fluid. “Ready?”
“Light her up,” I said.
Damian soaked the wood all the way around and tossed the empty can on the ground. Then he lit a match and held it up in the air. “To Liam.”
I smiled, took a step closer to Damian, and threaded my fingers with his. “To Liam.”
Damian threw the match. Flames erupted, reaching higher and higher into the sky. After a few minutes, I glanced up at Damian. The smile on his face was gorgeous, and I’d have loved to know what he was thinking. I didn’t ask, though, because that moment was perfect.
Alone in my Florida bedroom, I open my eyes and the memory fades away. It isn’t until no
w that I realize that was the night I let go of Liam and started to fall for Damian.
I pull the blankets to my neck. My bed has never felt lonelier.
My mother’s words come back to haunt me. “You can’t give the two of them this time, rip it away, and expect him to be okay with that.”
There is nothing about this mess that has worked out like I wanted. I didn’t intend to “rip Lia away” from him. I knew that once she was in his life, we’d have to figure out a way to keep her there, even from a thousand miles away. But now?
Now things are different. The mall fiasco screwed everything up, and I don’t know what to do. I should probably stick to the plan. I moved to Florida to get away from Damian, move on with my life, and fall out of love with him.
Still, the knots in my stomach tighten as I consider the very real possibility that Damian is spending the day drunk off his ass with an equally drunk girl under him. Or on top of him.
I roll onto my stomach and slide an extra pillow over my head to block out the image. It’s one I’ve seen too often, and each time my mind replays it, it tears me apart. I’m not sure if it’s the thought of the girls who’ve replaced me or that I feel cheated on even though we were never together.
I can’t lay here any longer, thinking about him. I get up, grab my robe, and stand outside Lia’s bedroom door. Quietly, I open it and peek in. She has her favorite My Little Pony pajamas on. As usual, her blanket is tucked up close to her, but her thumb has fallen from her mouth. The duvet only half covers her, so I widen the door and tip-toe across the floor. I pull it up to her shoulders and kiss her forehead.
My little princess sleeps peacefully. She’s already been through more in the last forty-eight hours than anyone her age should, and I’m so grateful to have her safe and home where she belongs.
I turn back the blanket I just put over her and slide in behind her. I fold an arm around her.
“I love you, Lia,” I whisper, then snuggle up against her and fall asleep.
~*~
In the morning, I usher Lia into the tub. God only knows the last time she had a bath.
“Who did your hair?” I ask, untwisting the rubber band and combing through the tangled braid with my fingers.
“Daddy.”
“Your dad did this?” I repeat, unsure if I believe that.
She heaves a sigh so loud it makes me giggle. She even adds a little eye roll to drive home her point. “Yes. He made me stand up for a million hours while he watched a YouTube video. My neck hurt real bad, and my head hurt too.”
“Well…” I’m speechless.
“Do I have to put on a swimming suit?” she asks with her hands on her hips, her head tilted to one side.
Okay, I’m officially confused. “Lia, you’re taking a bath. We’re not going to the beach.”
“Duh, Mom. I know. But Daddy always made me wear a swimming suit in the bathtub.”
“That’s…weird,” I say, but in the back of mind I think it’s kinda cute. “No swimming suit, Lia-Kat. Come on, get in before the bubbles deflate.”
“Can we go to the beach later? Daddy bought me this swimming suit with a tutu on it, and I want to—” She stops suddenly, her lips pucker into a frown.
“You want to what?” I ask.
“To show you, but all my stuff is at his house.” Lia plops down in the pool of bubbles.
“He said he’d mail your things to you,” I inform her.
“Mail them?” she pouts. “Why can’t he bring them to me?”
God, I hate this.
“Honey…I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Why not?”
“Because he said he’d mail them,” I repeat, and it’s clear from her expression that she doesn’t like my answer.
“I want to call him.”
I figured she’d want to talk with him eventually, so I’m not surprised. I’m just not ready.
“Let’s give it at least few days, okay? All of us need some time to settle down.”
“I don’t,” she clips out.
“I do,” I say.
She responds with a glare. Then she stretches out until the water covers her ears and she can’t hear me.
Chapter 27
Damian
“See that little phone icon, there? You tap it to make a call to the person you’re staring at,” Dylan says from behind me.
“Thanks, dickhead. Now go mind your own damn business.”
“Going to work. Later, man.”
I stand up as soon as I hear the backdoor close. I toss my cell on the sofa, then grab a beer from the fridge.
At the cemetery a couple of days ago, I’d decided Ellie and I have to talk. Lia is my daughter too, and I don’t want to lose her. I won’t. And I need to hear Ellie’s voice again.
When we spoke earlier this summer, I could hear her smile as she went on about her trip and the sharks. God, she sounded so happy. She even fucking laughed, and that’s what I can’t get out of my head. I don’t want to either; I want more.
I take a drink and lean back against the cushions. As far as I know, she’s with that Blake guy, though, and I’ve done too much shit that can’t be undone.
You see, when you’re in the pit, the only pain you see is your own, and it’s easy to project it on others. It blinds you as much as it rips you apart and isolates you.
I guess that’s why they call it hell.
I pick up Lia’s Twilight Sparkle from the end table. This little McDonald’s toy bridged the gap between Lia and me, and I haven’t been the same since.
After my daughter arrived, staying sober was no big deal. Hell, I went weeks without getting laid and I hardly thought twice about it.
My little girl filled my time, and I loved listening to the sound of Ellie’s voice when she called and actually talked to me.
I was happy.
It’s been almost two weeks since they left, and now I finally know what I want. I take another swig of beer and reach for my phone. It rings four times before Ellie answers.
“Hello?” She’s quiet and acts like she doesn’t know it’s me.
“Hey, Elle.”
She pauses, and I hear her bed creak as she sits down. “Hey.”
“How’s Lia?” I start. It’s late and she’s probably in bed.
“She’s fine. She’s in bed right now,” Ellie confirms, and I smile, thinking about my daughter holding her blanket and sucking her thumb.
“Did you get the boxes I sent?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
The small talk is killing me, but hearing her voice again is so worth it. Still, I need something more before we move on because I’m longing for it. “Good. Could you do something for me?”
“Depends. What?”
“Laugh.”
Silence fills the phone line. “What?” she finally repeats.
“I want to hear you laugh,” I say again. The request is strange and probably confusing for her, and her hesitation tells me she won’t do it.
She sighs. “Is that why you called? Because there’s nothing funny to laugh at.”
I can’t help notice the tone of her voice has the same studded edge she carried after Liam died. “Yeah, I guess not. Listen, um, I realize I fucked up this summer, Elle.”
“Fucked up, huh?” She breathes out a scoff. “That’s putting it lightly, don’t you think?”
“I think everyone makes mistakes.”
“Not everyone’s mistakes puts their kid in danger, Damian. What would have happened if—”
“You don’t think that’s all I’ve thought about?” I say, my voice growing at her accusation. “I didn’t think about anything else while she was gone, Ellie. Not a goddamn thing. I fucking sat at the police station doing nothing except worry about her safety and think about the fact I put her life in danger. So yeah. I know.”
“You got lucky she wasn’t hurt, Damian. You never should have turned your back on her for a second!” she
fires back.
I lean forward on the sofa. “You’re telling me you have an eye on her twenty-four-seven? That you don’t glance away ever? Because I’m calling bullshit on that.”
“I told you when you wanted to keep her that she was a handful, and you had to watch her.”
I shoot to my feet. “If you didn’t think I was qualified, then why the fuck did you let her stay?”
“Because I thought maybe it would be good for you.”
I push a hand through my hair and lower my voice. “It was good for me, Ellie. That’s what I wanted to tell you if you’d stop screaming at me for a minute. Yes, I messed up big time—I know that. But will you please give me a second chance? I can do better. I want to do better.”
“You can’t be serious. Damian, what the hell? Are you drunk?” The disdain in her voice stabs me in the gut.
“No, I’m not,” I say calmly because she has to understand. “But yeah, I’m serious. Look, let me fly you both up here for Christmas break. We can talk, sort shit out, and—and—Lia can play in the indoor pool at Dad’s.”
The silence on the other end is deafening, and I hope to God she’s considering my offer. It’s far enough down the road for me to do what I have to do—show Ellie I’m responsible and can be a good father to Lia.
When she doesn’t answer, I add, “I want to see my daughter again.”
“You got Lia kidnapped, Damian. Kidnapped! What makes you think you deserve to see her again?” she snaps, and I lose it.
“She’s my daughter, dammit! That’s why!”
“You want to be a father now, Damian? After everything?”
“If we’re going to play that game, what category do you think you’d fall under? You hid her from me for four years.” It surprises me that I threw that in her face, but that shit needs to be dealt with.
“I protected her.”
“No. You protected yourself.”
“So what if I did? Isn’t that all you’re doing with the girls and the drinking and the visits to the cemetery? Sounds like the same song, different verse.”
“Songs end, Elle. Give me another shot.”
Love Always, Damian Page 21