I knocked on her door, just in case she had some unexpected visitor. When I slipped inside, I wasn’t wrong. Ginger and Tokyo were sitting on opposite sides of Tokyo’s seating area. The air felt like they’d been fighting, there was so much tension between the two of them. Exactly what I didn’t want.
“Hi.”
“Come sit down a sec,” Ginger said, nodding to the pillows strategically placed exactly between them.
“What if I don’t want to sit down?”
“You don’t have to,” she went on, “but we wanted to talk to you about something important so maybe you want to make yourself comfortable.”
“I’ll stand. Please get to the point. I’m not afraid of you two so you don’t have to ease me into whatever this is. Just say it.”
“Tokyo would like you to feed her. As in, I release you, you are bound to Tokyo, and she feeds from you. I don’t think this is a good idea, but the decision is up to you.”
Tokyo didn’t let me respond before she jumped in and presented her rebuttal. “You and I are already connected; I just want to make the connection more complete. I want us to really be together.”
“No,” I said plainly. Tokyo wasn’t expecting that.
“What?”
“My answer is no.”
And then Ginger jumped back in. “See? What did I tell you? You think you know everything, but she decided and the answer is still no.”
“Was the decision ever not going to be mine?”
“No—no. That’s not what I meant,” Ginger said, trying to back step and failing. “I just told her—”
“Can you leave?”
Ginger’s eyebrows shot up. “Me?”
“Yes, you. This actually doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’d like to talk to Tokyo alone.”
“Nice to see your attitude has rubbed off on her.”
“For goodness sake, Ginger! I have my own brain! You’re being a jerk, and you’re butting into our relationship and I would like to talk to Tokyo alone. You’re being rude by insisting you should stay!”
“Wow. Fine. See you two later.” Ginger vanished, but her sour attitude was still with us.
I tried to breathe, sinking down against the door. When I looked up, Tokyo was still sitting in the same spot, looking at me like she was waiting for my whole body to detonate. I took another breath.
“You know…you know how I feel about you. But I don’t want this.”
“Why not?” She wasn’t pushing. She just wanted to know; she wanted to understand.
“I’ve been…struggling with this whole being bound to Ginger thing. I want to help her. I know she needs my blood. I know she needs someone who wants to give her their blood, and I do. But I hate being bound to her. I hate the way it makes me feel about her when it’s the exact opposite of exactly how I’m feeling. And I don’t want that with you.”
“But you said—”
“I do love you, but what if we get into a fight? I don’t want to forgive you immediately just because my blood tells me to. I don’t want that for you either.”
“I think I’m already there. I can’t—it’s like I can’t control it.”
“So how much worse does it get for you if we break up and I start seeing someone else? Or you realize that you don’t want to be stuck with a vulnerable human? You might get tired of worrying about me all the time. I’m sure it was a huge relief for Camila when Ginger was made fully immortal. I’m always going to be human. Always. And then I’ll—” Tokyo knew I’d die one day. There was no point in reminding her.
“What do we do, ’cause I—I want you with me. I don’t want you with Ginger anymore.”
“And I don’t want to be with either of you. Not in that way. I don’t want to be in love with my keeper.” I banged my head against the door. What had I done? “I have to go.”
“We’re not—are we—”
“I don’t know. I have to go think.” The tears were already running down my face. I couldn’t handle the tracks of blue suddenly staining Tokyo’s cheeks. I scrambled to my feet. I wanted to kiss her so badly, say something that would make us both feel better, but I couldn’t.
The walk to the elevator was taking so long that it seemed easier to run. And when I was free of the elevator, it made sense to run to my room, past the girls hanging out on the first floor, and the conversation taking place on the stairs, and the make out session in the hall. I didn’t care that Portia was in our room. I didn’t care that she was on the phone. I didn’t care that she could see me crying. I had nowhere else to go.
“Oh, Jesus. Hold on,” I heard her say as I collapsed on my bed. Portia practically spun out of the room she took off so fast.
I wasn’t alone for long though. Ginger came to save the day or rub my face in it. I could never tell with her anymore. I let her hug me, and that was sort of okay, though not what I wanted. But then she started talking.
“I’m so sorry, Jill. I tried to tell her.”
“Please don’t say that. Don’t act like you actually care.”
“What do you mean? Of course I care.” And this was the part I hated. Ginger was the last person I wanted to see right now, but the bond. It took a lot of strength, but I managed to pull away from her and moved to the other end of my bed, wrapping my arms around my knees, trying to keep my insides in my chest. I hated how she had the nerve to be shocked.
“You don’t care how I feel, and I hate this because I hate you right now, but we’re blood bound so all I want you to do is hold me.”
“What do you want me to do? How do I make this better?”
“I don’t know!” The sobs came harder now. Why wouldn’t she just leave?
You have to make her leave, a tiny voice inside my head said, reminding me of maybe the only upshot of the binding ritual. Vampires loved to be welcomed and they hated it when you took that invite away.
“I remember when I was a freshman and the girls used to make fun of my accent like all the time and tease me about being Canadian, you never stuck up for me.”
“Yes. I did.”
“No, you didn’t really. You would laugh along with them, while telling them to stop. But you were laughing at me too. I was there the first time Samantha called me Jaws and you laughed. Tokyo is the only person in this house who doesn’t laugh at me, and it’s like you’re happy that things are screwed up for us right now. You didn’t come up here to make me feel better. You came up here to say I told you so. Well, you were right. I got hurt and we might as well be over because I can’t give her what she wants. I hope you’re happy.”
“Jill, I’ve always wanted what was best for you. I’ve always looked out for you. I just wanted you to see—”
“That I had no future with Tokyo. I get it. Gosh.” I couldn’t stop sniffling, even through my cynical laughter. “Being in charge doesn’t make you a good person, even if you’re right.”
She was quiet for a long time, looking at her hands, looking at that giant emerald ring she wore, a clear sign that her love life was a-okay. “I’m sorry,” she finally said.
“Please just leave me alone for one minute.”
Ginger hesitated a moment and then she vanished. I cried for a while, a long while. I thought the whole fit would subside after some time, but when my whole pathetic, miserable time in the ABO house kept playing over and over in my head, I just couldn’t stop.
I was sure the other girls could hear me, maybe even the boys across the street, but I didn’t care. About the time I realized I was actually having a panic attack Camila came and took me in her arms. She was so different when she wasn’t around Ginger. Tokyo was right. With Ginger, she was all sex and passion, but alone there was this calmness, this gentle air about her. It soothed me.
“I know,” she told me, whispered just so I could hear. “I love her, but I know how she can be. I know she’s capable of being wrong. It’s okay.”
I knew it was, but I was still angry and I still needed space.
“She�
��s young too, you know. And even the rest of us?” Camila said. “We’re still learning. We’re still human. All the time.”
Hearing that helped. Knowing I wasn’t the only one who felt this way, knowing that even someone who loved Ginger unconditionally and eternally could still see that she was capable of being really crappy to other human beings.
Camila held me for a long time, rocking me, almost like Papa used to when I was smaller. She stayed with me until I cried myself out and my erratic breathing slowed enough for me to sleep. When I woke a few hours later, she was still there, watching the moon pass over our house, but the next time I opened my eyes, she was gone. Once again, there I was, a new day waiting for me. A day I’d have to face on my own.
❖
Tokyo
I didn’t wait for Ginger’s round two, or Camila’s round one, or Faeth’s inspirational lecture on how we should all get along. I went to Hattie’s and stayed there for three days. Just as long as I could stay, as long as I could go before I needed more blood.
Chapter Eighteen
Jill
If you were to ask me I would tell you without a doubt that it was much better for your whole sorority to avoid you because they think you’re annoying than it was having your whole sorority avoid you because they think you got dumped by some girl in your Arabic class, and instead of taking that semblance of sanity, you have a full nervous breakdown that involves you crying every moment that you aren’t actively sitting through a class. I told James and Van that Bridgette and I were fighting. They did their best to make me feel better, but it wasn’t working.
I had no idea if Tokyo and I were broken up though. The word around the house was that she’d gone looking for more clues about the body snatching demons that were hunting us down. But I think she was avoiding me. Not that I was reaching out. I wanted to text her, but I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t take back the way I turned her down and she couldn’t take back the confession of her true feelings.
Tokyo was a vampire. Undead. Bloodthirsty and just as possessive as every other vampire I’d encountered. I loved being with her, but at the end of the day, I didn’t want a relationship defined by the blood bond. I wanted Tokyo.
On my way to organic chem lab, I gave in and tried to send her a text. It was a good way to distract myself from the fact that my walking buddies at the moment, Ava and Kait, were ignoring me.
Can we please talk when you come back?
I’m back. We can talk whenever you want.
Not the response I was expecting. I wanted to keep the dialogue between us going, right then and there, but I was approximately a hundred yards from having to clear my head and put on a straight face so I could pay attention for the next ninety minutes.
When I got to lab, I saw a bunch of kids turning around and walking back out. Our TA had cancelled lab. We’ll pick up after the holiday, the note on the door said.
Why he didn’t just e-mail the class was beyond me. My lab was in the Williamsburg building in this odd corner of campus. Having no one to walk with, I headed back to the center of campus. It was cool out, but the sun was shining just enough to sit outside. I figured the center of campus was a safe bet. Ironically, Cleo’s memorial bench was wide open.
I sat down and fought the urge to start crying again. Tokyo was back and she hadn’t said a word to me. I wondered if she hated me now too. I wondered if she’d really want to speak to me again, or if she just wanted to end things face-to-face. My phone vibrated, but I was instantly crushed. It was a text from Brayley.
I need to stop living like a hoarder. I know the surveys are in my room but I can’t find them.
I quickly called her. “Do you want me to come help you look?”
“Yes! Please! I’m sure there’s buried treasure in here too. You’re welcome to all the booty you can find. I’m in Hamilton Hall, room 913.”
I texted James. Where are you? I was upset and despondent, but I wasn’t stupid.
English, but Tim has a free period I’ll have him meet you.
Like he promised, a few minutes later, Tim and our other frat brother, Jackson, came and met me on the quad. They were nice enough, asking me how I was doing, but they soon figured out that I wasn’t much for conversation. We walked over to Hamilton.
“We’ll wait down here,” Tim said when Brayley let us into the lobby. Hamilton had single-sex floors. so the RAs would freak out if they saw two boys hanging out in the hallway. I hopped in the elevator with Brayley. All I wanted to do was sleep. And talk to Tokyo.
I wanted Tokyo.
Brayley looked as disheveled as her room. Torn sweat pants, no makeup to the point that I saw just how much she usually wore. Half her angled bob was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, and her shirt was dirty. And that was just Brayley.
Her room was a pigsty. It smelled like laundry detergent and her floral perfume, but there was crap everywhere. Clothes, maybe clean, maybe dirty, all over the tile floor. Books, some food wrappers, papers. I saw a hint of a pink and white area rug that ran from under her bed and maybe came out somewhere in the general region of her desk. She had a DSLR camera on a tripod over by her closet. Who knew where the lens cap for that thing was.
“I swear, I had them in my notebook,” she whined. I didn’t feel bad though. This was literally her own mess and she’d have to fix it, especially if it affected our final presentation.
“Which notebook?” I gave the room another quick scan and spotted at least three spiral bound notebooks. All the same size, all blue.
“The blue one. I scratched HUMAN SEX on the front.”
“Okay, great.” I dropped my bag next to the door and started rummaging. How could you live this way? “When was the last time you cleaned up?” I asked for my own safety, terrified I’d be the one to stumble across the pizza turned Petri dish that was probably lurking under her bed. “I know this is your room, but it’s also a fire hazard.”
I overturned a ton of crud on her desk and still nothing. “Bray—” I stood up to find her just staring at me. Not exactly me. More like right above my head. “Brayley.”
Nothing, just vacant, blinking eyes. That started losing their color, all of their color until they were completely gray. Her lips started moving, but nothing was coming out.
The protection spell.
I was trying to think of it, the words Tokyo had taught me and made me repeat over and over. It was on the tip of my tongue, right there, but my brain wouldn’t spit it out. I’d have the first word and just when the second was coming, the first would vanish. It was the song or the algebraic formula I knew by heart, but when the question was asked, I couldn’t come up with the answer. “Frère Jacques.” That’s what kept coming up. “Frère Jacques.” because that was the tune I’d hummed in my head when I was trying to learn the words that could save my life.
Brayley moved, put herself between me and the door. I looked for something, anything I could use to bash her head in. I dove for the tripod, but something slick, a T-shirt or a piece of paper on her tile floor, wiped my foot out from under me. I stumbled to the closet door, knocking over the tripod with my shoulder. My hip and my wrist sang out with pain, but I scrambled for the tripod. That’s when I felt Brayley’s hands in my hair. I tried to scream as she wrenched me backward, but it came out more like a gasp. She wrenched me closer, getting a good chunk of my hair with the next yank. And then she slammed my head into the floor.
❖
Tokyo
I’d been in the process of packing. Nothing to take, just things to donate. A pile for charity, some stuff I was sure the girls would fight over. At the end of the semester, I was going to move out of the house. I wasn’t going to give the girls the truth, just the same story they’d grown accustomed to, Dalhem needed me. I had to hunt down this demon threat. But I’d come back for feedings and our Friday night fun, and then at the end of the year my responsibilities outside of the house would take priority. I’d see Chelsea and Yazmeen off on graduation nig
ht and then release the rest of my feeders to Kina and Faeth. I had to get the fuck out of this house and sever my blood ties with the Alpha nest.
I tried to think of reasons to stay, reasons to rise above and put our petty bullshit aside for the sake of the girls, for the greater good. But the more I thought about everything that had gone down between me and Jill, how things had changed between Camila and the horrible shit Ginger had said to me about how my other sister-queens had to just sit by and tell us over and over to play nice, fuck it, it just wasn’t worth it. What part of my eternity was meant to be spent this way? What part of my forever was meant to be spent in the company of someone who made me feel like complete shit?
The idea of spending another semester and then another whole year with Jill right under my nose was fucking impossible. I’m sure she would move on, or at least find a way to cope. That was her thing. She got by, but I wouldn’t. I still didn’t know how it was possible, but she was in my blood now. I could feel her. I felt every moment of every crying jag she’d had over the last few days, felt the way her heart ripped in two the night of our breakup.
How could I live under the same roof and not beg her to let me hold her? Beg her to let me back in. I was crazy for sure; there was no doubt about that. The human in me knew how irrational I was being, but the monster? The demon had already staked its claim, and it wasn’t letting go until it was appeased. So yeah, it would be better for everyone if I just left. I hadn’t told Ginger or Camila yet, but I was fairly certain they’d be on board with my exit strategy. We were all pretty sick of each other.
I put a pair of rather risky crotchless shorts back in my drawer, thinking maybe I shouldn’t donate those, when I felt a noticeable tug. It was deep in my chest, and then I felt something pounding deep in my skull. A struggle. I’d felt it once before, a long time ago.
I vanished to Ginger’s apartment. She was there, doubled over, just barely holding on to the couch like she was being hit with labor pains, but instead of holding her stomach, she was gripping her chest. Camila was trying to hold her up.
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