by Malone, Nana
"What do you want me to tell Imani?"
Xander shook his head. "Don't tell her anything."
#
Imani let herself back into the flat. She’d spent the whole morning out looking for Xander. How could he just abandon her last night? Lex had told her that Xander left, but hadn't said why or where he was going. Not long after, she saw Ryan being carted out with a black eye and a bloody nose.
She’d tried to call and text, but her texts went unanswered and her calls went straight to voicemail. Was this how it ended? He'd just vanish on her? She'd gone over the possible scenarios a million times over. Had he just been waiting for her to say the words? Was it all a game to him? But that made no sense. He’d said he loved her and looked terrified when he'd done it. He'd looked even more scared when she had said it back.
Maybe he hadn't thought she would. He thought he could say it and pretend he'd never said it? None of it made any sense at all. She needed to talk to him. Lex, unfortunately, was no help. She'd gone to the barge first thing in the morning to see if he'd turned up there, but it had only been Abbie and Lex. No sign of Xander. And while she thought Lex would cover for him, she was pretty certain that Abbie wouldn't. Hell, she'd wanted to come hunt him down with her.
Her next stop had been to check the Notting Hill flat, but no one answered. Granted he could have been on the other side with another girl. Her stomach twisted at the thought. No. She was going to choose to believe that he loved her. Then where the hell is he?
She'd even gone to her place and checked to see if he was there, just in case he'd assumed she went home and was looking for her. But he was nowhere to be found.
After tossing her keys on the kitchen counter, she dropped her purse on the couch and toed off her shoes. Maybe after a long, hot shower, she'd figure out where to look next.
She’d been so worried, she’d sat up the rest of the night waiting. She'd only washed her face and tossed on some sweats to go on the hunt his morning.
As she stepped into the hallway, she heard the shower going in Xander's bedroom. Heart stuttering into a gallop, she ran down the long stretch, calling for him. "Xander? Are you in there?"
The bathroom door was ajar and she could see him in the shower. One arm braced against the wall, the other—what the hell—was he? Oh yeah. His eyes were screwed shut and he ran a soapy hand over his massive, pulsing erection.
She stood on the threshold watching him, his strong body doing one of the things he did best. The man was made to have sex. But the tight lines around his mouth told her he wasn’t enjoying himself. The rapid jerky movements looked more like punishment.
She shed her clothes quickly and opened the door to the giant shower stall. Xander's eyes flew open and he staggered backward. "Imani, what the fuck are you doing?"
"I'm giving you a hand. You look like you could use one."
His hands shook, even as his cock bobbed in front of her. "You should go."
"And what? Run away like you did last night? You can't run me off. You think I don't recognize the pulling away? I'm a master at it. I love you and I'm not going."
Xander shook his head and backed up another step. "No. Don't touch me. I'm not in a good place. I don't want you to see me like this."
She very deliberately stepped into his space. "Like what, Xander?"
He backed up again but hit the wall. "Fucking broken, Imani. If you touch me, I don’t know what will happen."
"I have a pretty good idea. We'll make love. And then we'll talk about why you ran out on me and left me there alone. And we'll also talk about why you let me worry about you half the night and day. But as you like to say, we're going to fuck first, because despite all that, I still want you. I need you."
"Imani." Her name sounded like a plea.
But she was in no mood to let him run from her again. She'd opened herself up. It was too late for her; she loved him. She wasn’t going to let him run. "Touch me, Xander."
#
He shook. Even with makeup smudges under eyes and her hair a wild tangle of curls, he wanted her desperately. He’d spent the night at a hotel trying to get his mind around what the hell had happened to her. The things he'd done and said to her. He felt like shit about it all. And worst of all, there was still a need to do some serious violence coursing through him. He needed to let the tension out before he could talk to her. To help her. Something.
But he was also furious with her. How could she not tell him? How could she keep putting herself in harm's way? It was like she had a death wish. Or didn’t care that he'd be shredded if something happened to her.
Now she was standing in front of him asking him to fuck her first. Shit. They were so fucked up. But he needed her too. There was no way he was turning her down. He prayed he had the control she needed from him.
"Turn around."
She complied with no resistance, bracing herself against the wall, the shower spray soaking her hair. Water, sluicing down her arched back, ass canted upwards as if on offer from the gods.
With one swift step forward, his cock twitched against her and he adjusted his hips so that he nudged her pussy.
His name came out on a whisper and she pushed back against him. He didn’t need the lube he’d brought into the shower with him. She was wet, slick for him as if she'd been waiting for him to come home just for this.
She moved her hips back and his dick slid into her moist depths easily. Home. Fuck. How could she love him? She had no idea what he’d done. He wanted to hold on to her forever now that he'd found her, but why would she? How could she want to be with him?
Reaching around her body, his hand sliding down her taught belly, he slid his fingers into her slick folds, seeking her clit. When he found it, he pressed gently and rubbed circles with a slow, well-practiced precision. "Oh, Xander. OhmyGod. OhmyGod. OhmyGod."
Her inner walls milked him tight and the blissful spread of his orgasm started in his toes as always and he leaned into the release, desperate for it. Desperate to bond with her as always, but the more he chased the orgasm, the more elusive it became.
Gritting his teeth, he sank into her hard enough for her to gasp and his fingers dug into her flesh, pinning her in place, ripping another orgasm from her. Never yielding on his motions over her clit.
"Please Xander, I can’t take any more."
"Yes, you can," he growled. "Give me another one." But even as he insisted on pulling another one from her, he felt nothing, knew there was no release waiting for him on the other side. The orgasm he'd been chasing had dissipated into thin air.
Closing his eyes tight, he pictured her smiling face as she danced around the living room. And the way she chewed on her bottom lip when she was working out a problem. Or the way she voraciously attacked food. Problem was, thinking about all the reasons he loved her only made him harder. Throb more. Made his skin, tighter. Fuck. He forced himself to pull out, even as his cock protested.
“Xander,” she begged.
He dropped his forehead to her shoulder and kissed her. "Yes, Angel?" The endearment slid off his tongue with ease. He reached over and grabbed the lube he’d brought in with him. He wanted all over her. Needed all over her. He had to find some way to erase the memory of what Ryan told him.
Gently, he pressed a lube-slicked finger between the seam of her ass, rubbing it over the tight pucker, pressing slightly. She gasped at first, then moaned his name as his finger slid past the tight ring of muscle.
He was barely able to tear the words out of his throat. But he would rather die than hurt her. "This okay?"
Imani nodded even as her eyes fluttered closed. Neither of them spoke. Only the sound of the water hitting the tiles and their panting filled the silence. He readied her gently, taking his time, adding on finger, then another, stretching her. He was careful with her even though he was way past the point of desperation.
Lining his cock up to her now-slick asshole, he pressed. She tensed immediately and he stilled. The last thing he wanted
to do was hurt her. When she turned to face him again, she bit her lip. The look of need mixed with a hint of fear softened some of the hard edges driving him on and he kissed her lips.
When she relaxed, her body softened and the head of his cock slid in easily. Fuuuck that was good. Too good. Reaching around her, he held on to her breast with one hand and stimulated her clit with the other. The tight grip of her ass on his dick hurtled him toward that release that he chased. But the deeper he sank into her, the harder the demons rode his back, taunting him.
She'll leave you when you tell her. She's not yours. She doesn’t know the kind of man you are. About the blood on your hands. You think she'll stay with you after she finds out?
He gritted his teeth and held her close. In the distant echo of his mind, he heard her chanting his name over and over and over again as he slowly fucked her ass. His body surged into hers, taking her, claiming her.
Her orgasm slammed through her and he grunted when her body fisted around him like a vise grip. Spasming around him over and over again as she rode the wave, Imani went limp in his hands. But his hard-on still raged, throbbing and aching and wanting more. With long, measured strokes he fucked her ass, barely keeping hold of the slippery grip he had on his control.
Her voice was soft when she called his name on a moan. "Xander. I love you. I love you." She repeated it over and over and over again, bonding him to her with her words until the control slipped right out of his hands.
With a grunt, he fisted one hand in her hair and intertwined the fingers of his other hand with hers on the wall.
She lowered their joined hands to her clit and they stroked together. He followed her lead happily and reveled in the slickness coating both their fingers. She came again, her body sagging against the wall. He followed suit, his cock pulsing and expanding with each shot or his release deep inside her.
#
He didn't know how long they stayed that way. Certainly long enough for the water to cool. When he pulled his softened dick from her flesh, she hissed. He wanted to ask if she was okay. Wanted to know if he'd hurt her. Mostly he wanted to hold her. But the clawing need had receded. Now they'd have to talk—the part he wasn't very good at.
They both cleaned off silently then wrapped themselves in fluffy white towels before padding into the bedroom.
Once they were dressed, she sat on the bed and looked up at him, so he followed suit. He was careful not to sit too close, lest he touch her again and forget that they couldn't solve everything with sex. He wanted more from her.
"Where did you go last night?" she asked.
So they were jumping right in. "I stayed at a hotel after I took care of some things."
"I was worried. I looked everywhere. I even went to the Notting Hill flat."
He flinched. Did she really think he'd take someone there? Of course, fucker. Why else would she go there? "I wasn't there."
She shrugged. "Well, I didn’t really have a lot to go on." He scrubbed a hand over his face as she continued. “You have to talk to me, Xander. Otherwise this won’t work. Please." She reached out and took his hand, squeezing tight.
He shook his head. “Lex was fucking right. About all of it. He said the hate would eat me up from the inside and now I’m not seeing straight.”
“How you feel is understandable, Xander, but you can’t let it control your life. Look, Alistair is gone. He’s in the wind. You said so yourself. He won’t bother us anymore. He knows I know about your past. I didn't run. He has no reason to come back."
The lies he’d told were coming back to haunt him. "No, Imani. He's not just gone. It’s probably more permanent than you think.”
“What?” She whispered.
The disbelief on her face would turn to hatred, but he knew he had to tell her. “Still think you love me? I knew Alistair had borrowed money against the Trust accounts. He owed money to fucking Pushka. Since Trident is in trouble, he couldn’t pull money out of there without looking suspicious. I cut off his means to make money by announcing the sale and breakup of his company. And then I told Jean what he’d been up to at the trust. I systematically dismantled his life.”
“Xander, it’s understandable. After what he did to you.”
“Do you know Pushka are well known for their torture tactics? I subjected another man to that. A human being. But I didn’t care. What the fuck is wrong with me?" He could taste the salt of his tears. And the problem was, once he started talking to her, he couldn’t stop. “There’s blood on my hands, Imani. You can’t love me. Not after what I've done."
She squeezed his hand. "Alistair was a violent asshole who threatened my life. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come home that night. So I'm good with whatever you did to him. He made his own bed. You need to cut yourself some slack."
Xander pulled his hand away from hers. “How can you cut me any slack after what I just did to you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jesus, Imani.” He pushed to his feet and started pacing. “I wasn’t exactly gentle in the shower just now. Especially after what I know.”
She shook her head. “You didn’t hurt me. I needed to be with you as much as you needed me.”
His body vibrated. “Ryan told me last night. I know what he did to you. And even though I knew, I—I still did that to you.”
“Oh God.” She curled her body into herself and hugged her knees to her chest. “He told you?”
He felt like his heart was tearing out of his chest. “Yeah. Why didn't you say anything to me?”
She swallowed hard, but her voice was very calm. “Xander, it was my problem to deal with.”
A sudden flash of anger had him lashing out at her. “You went to rehearsal with him, every fucking day. Do you understand the dangerous risk you took? Maybe you were safe during rehearsal, but what about after? What about on breaks when he could find any number of reasons to get you alone? Do you even care that I love you? What was I supposed to do if anything happened to you?”
“I had it under control. I spoke to Charles and we were never alone together. I was as safe as I could be.”
“Why would you even agree to work with him, Imani?”
“You say it like I had a choice. He has an established career. And he got cast after I did, which meant Charles wanted a draw. I wasn’t enough. This is my livelihood. I tried to talk to Charles but Ryan had already beat me to it. Charles wouldn’t have believed me.”
All Xander felt was pain radiating through his body, for her, for himself. For the things they were afraid to say. “I would have believed you. I would have done something about it. Fuck, I did do something about it. Why wouldn’t you tell me? After everything I’ve told you. After everything we’ve already been through together. Why?”
Tears tracked down her cheeks. “You don’t understand.”
Xander planted his feet on the hardwood floor. “You’re shitting me, right? I of all people would understand. You say you love me, but that doesn’t extend to letting me too close. God forbid you ever depend on me for anything.”
She stood as well but instead of pacing, she wrapped her arms around her body. “That’s what this is really about? Xander, I can’t let you fix my life for me. After Ryan, I had to learn to function again. I needed to learn to get out of bed every day. To not be a victim. If I had quit the show or refused to work with him, he would have won. And what were you going to do, anyway?”
What he’d already done. He’d gotten infinitely more satisfaction from beating the shit out of Ryan than he had making Alistair pay. “I would have encouraged you to go to the police. I would have encouraged you to talk to someone.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck, I wouldn’t have been such a fucking maniac with you. Jesus Christ, I’ve been so rough with you. I’ve made you do things.” His stomach rolled as he thought of what they’d done, at the club and just now in the shower. “Fuck, tonight.”
Imani placed her hands on his shoulders and shoved him
. “Stop it. I wanted everything that happened tonight. From the second I met you, I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. And you’ve proven time and again if I say no, you respect that. I couldn’t be with you if I didn’t think that was true.” She swiped at tears on her face. “I’ve never felt like that in my whole life. Desired and free and in control of my sexual destiny. I need to feel that. I need to be desired. And to feel like I’m in control.”
“Imani…”
She shook her head and her lips took on a determined slant. “You’re not going to take that away from me. Maybe subconsciously it’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell you about Ryan. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I don’t trust many people in my life, but I trusted you. Enough to fall in love with you.”
“All I want to do is help you. I’m not trying to take away control. Why can’t you see that?” She was the most infuriating woman he’d ever met. How could she not see how much he loved her?
“The same goes here. I’ve watched you struggle with the nightmares for weeks. You refuse my help. You refuse to go talk to someone. Does that mean you don't love me like you say?”
“That is bullshit, Imani. This is different. Shit, your damn pride gets in the way of everything. If you took a second you’d let people do things for you. Fuck, I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you for weeks that I went to see your father without you flipping out on me.”
Eyes wide, she met his gaze again. “What did you do?”
He set his jaw. “What needed to be done.” He was shouting, but he didn't care. “I was trying to do right by you when I went to see your father. And with Briarwood. It’s all I want, to take care of you. To love you. Why won’t you let me?”
A frown creased her brow and she shook her head. Short little jerky motions sending her soaked curls flopping into her face. "You went to see my father? Why would you do that?"
He gritted his teeth. What he wanted to do was say he was sorry for betraying her trust. Instead, he said, "You were being irrational. I have the means, so I took care of it for you. Now all you have to do is enjoy your sister and not worry about a loan."