I wonder if I could dare to let down my defences and love this har who has moved me physically so powerfully. I realise I’m holding back emotionally, afraid of being hurt. But surely, once we’ve announced to the world we’re a pair, it will be safe to fall back into Aruhani’s waiting arms, let myself open in every sense to the har who would share my life.
Miyacalasday, Adkayamoon 4
I’ve had to let a few days pass before I’ve been able to write again. It makes me wince to read over the words I last wrote. How the capricious dehara conspire to trick us!
On the night of the party, Malakess came to collect me in his carriage and this time, as we travelled together in comfortable silence, he held my hand and I sat beside him rather than opposite.
When we arrived at Poltenemy’s manse, some miles out of town, I noticed that there were a lot of other second generation hara present, mostly friends of the phylarch and his chesnari’s son. These were hara with whom I had never come into contact before. I was not really surprised that they were slightly territorial and appeared to view me as an interloper, if their rather hostile inspections were anything to go by. I decided the best ploy was to keep my head down and stay by Malakess’s side. But it was impossible to do that for every single moment, and there came a time when I went alone to the bathroom, a sumptuously appointed room on the first floor. When I came out, a har my own age was standing outside the door. I assumed he wished to use the facilities and inclined my head to him. To my surprise, he grabbed hold of my arm to prevent me leaving.
‘We must talk,’ he said.
I didn’t know him, and had no idea what he might want, but it was clear this wasn’t a friendly overture. ‘About what?’ I asked, pulling my arm away from his grip.
‘You won’t get away with your tricks here, har. We know about you.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You think that Malakess can be your Ysobi here, but we won’t let that happen.’
Those words virtually froze my blood. Indeed, this har knew about me. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ I said, determined to keep my dignity. I made to walk off again, but he dragged me back.
‘What is it with little shits like you?’ he snapped. ‘You see somehar happy and you want to ruin it. You think you’re so fucking lovely that everyhar will fall at your feet. And the older ones are stupid. They fall for it every time. Well, we’re on to you, har. If you think you can get away with your usual scam here, forget it.’
My heart was beating really fast now. I felt slightly dizzy, but had to retain an outward coolness. ‘I really have no idea what you’re talking about. What exactly am I ruining?’
The har bared his teeth at me. ‘How about the life and sanity of Malakess’s chesnari? As if you don’t know!’
I must have done a double take. ‘What? What do you mean? He hasn’t got a chesnari.’
‘You think?’ The har laughed cruelly. ‘Oh, you know all right. The moment you saw Malakess you set your sights on him. We watched it happening.’
‘But who is this har who’s supposed to be chesna with Malakess?’ I couldn’t believe this might be true. He spent nearly all his time with me. I’d never seen him with somehar else, and surely Huriel would have known and mentioned it.
The har grinned at me without humour. ‘Iscane, of course. You know that.’
‘Iscane?’ I couldn’t help laughing, but stopped quickly, because the har looked like he was about to punch me. ‘Since when has Malakess been chesna with Iscane?’
‘They’ve lived together for four years,’ the har said. ‘Now, Iscane’s bed is empty of Malakess half the week. He’s suffering, but he won’t say anything, because he’s loyal to Malakess, because he loves him. I have no such scruples. I’ll speak my mind. Do the right thing for once and back off, otherwise your life here will be a misery. Trust me.’
I couldn’t have felt more dazed if the har had physically punched me. This couldn’t be true. Life could not be so cruel. ‘I don’t believe you,’ I said. ‘Get out of my way.’
The har blocked my path and I saw from the corner of my eye that three other hara had arrived, slinking from the shadowy corridor to the right. My body was filled with the imperative to flee. I knew I was in danger, and it brought back horrific memories from my childhood. Helplessness, fear, the knowledge that whatever I did, I couldn’t make the situation better. Anger and hatred oozed from these hara. Before I could bolt, one of them grabbed me from behind, held onto my arms painfully hard. ‘Don’t piss yourself,’ the first har said. ‘We won’t hurt you… yet. We just want to make ourselves clear.’
I was so frightened then, all I could think of was self-preservation. It reminded me too painfully of what I’d gone through as a harling; strong arms holding me down, the threat and then the reality of physical pain. The implications of what I’d learned would sink in later. ‘I didn’t know about Iscane,’ I said. ‘Truly. I didn’t know. I’ve done nothing intentionally.’
The first har hesitated, unsure. He must have been able to tell I spoke the truth, because my words were heart-felt. ‘Well,’ said the one who held me. ‘Whether you knew or not before, you know now.’
The first har nodded. ‘That’s right. Malakess will never throw Iscane out, har. You’ll never have him completely, and Iscane has good friends, lots of them. So, if you want an easy life, just move on to some other poor fool. I’m sure there are enough first generation hara here in Kyme to keep you busy for a few months.’
Their hostile words and stares, the contempt in which they held me, was like a physical force crushing my body. I was back in Jesith, Jassenah standing over my bed. If you want to drown, then do so. I’ll watch from the edge of the bottomless pool. The first har came close to me, so that I could smell his breath, the tart reek of wine. He was a beautiful creature himself, but his beauty was disfigured by the grimace on his face. He thrust out a hand and grabbed me between the legs. I let out a cry.
‘That is nothing,’ he said, letting go. ‘Stay away from Malakess. Stay away from us. Better still, leave Kyme. We don’t want your kind here. We look out for each other.’ Now, he grabbed hold of my face, squeezed tightly. It felt as if my heart had stopped beating. What could I do? What could I say? Beg, plead with them?
‘Nasander!’ one of the other hara said in a warning tone. ‘Let him go. You’ve said what we wanted him to hear.’
The one named Nasander held on to me for a few seconds more, then released me, but the other har still held my arms.
‘Borlis,’ said my unexpected champion, who I could not see. ‘You too. A warning is one thing, but more than that will only get us in trouble.’
My arms were released.
‘We’re watching you,’ Nasander said, pointing a finger right in my face.
Somehow, perhaps through the agency of Nagarana, I pulled myself together. I wouldn’t let these hara see me wretched. ‘I don’t know what gossip you’ve heard about me,’ I said stiffly, ‘but you don’t know me, and you can’t make assumptions. I’ve been led to believe Malakess had no chesnari. If what you say is true - and I will make my own investigations obviously - then I will be as affronted as Iscane is. You can insult me, but that doesn’t change the fact that Malakess wanted to be with me. That is what your friend Iscane should think about, as will I.’ I inclined my head. ‘Good evening to you.’
I walked down the stairs, head held high, even though I was terrified they’d fall upon me and tear me apart. But this time, nohar hauled me back. My mind was a whirling vortex; I couldn’t think straight. This can’t be true. My memories were drawn back inexorably to the time when I’d been interviewed by the Jesith phylarch Sinnar. Gesaril, you must tell me the truth. What’s been going on between you and Ysobi? Sinnar, Jassenah’s friend. He’d not been brutal with me, but the distaste in his eyes had been like a slap. It would be best if you didn’t see Ysobi for now.
Could history really repeat itself like this? Was it possible Malakess had this secret ch
esnari? If so, what had he intended with me? It became clear to me now that this might be the reason why Malakess always comes to me at Huriel’s, and why he is reluctant to talk about his home. I was shocked that so fine and upstanding a har could be so underhand. It wasn’t that I expected Malakess to have no other aruna partners apart from me, but a chesnari was a different matter. And yet it had been me who had accompanied Malakess to this party, and me who had received my own invitation to the event, not Iscane. Nothing made any sense, but I had bruises on my arms now, and my ouana-lim was aching where Nasander had cruelly squeezed it. Those hara would not have confronted me like that unless what they’d told me was true.
I couldn’t face the party again. I had no idea what to do, but found that my feet had led me outside the house. It was cold, and my new coat, given in what I’d supposed was affection, was inside somewhere, secreted away by the phylarch’s staff. I couldn’t fetch it. I couldn’t go back in there. But I wasn’t completely sure of the way home. Some shred of sense surfaced in my mind and I found my way to the stable yard, which was full of carriages. I wasn’t sure I’d recognise Malakess’s among so many, but eventually I found a carriage that looked as if it was the one. Somehow I managed to ask the driver to take me home. I said I was unwell, which must have been patently obvious. Whether it was actually Malakess’s driver or not, the har took sympathy on me and told me to hop inside. Hop was impossible; crawl, I could about manage.
I lay down on the plush bench and wept. Ridiculous clichéd thoughts such as ‘how could he do this to me?’ circled in my brain. Malakess knew my history. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do this, surely? I grieved for my newfound self as much as our potential relationship. Once again, I was Gesaril, soume shrew and predator, with enemies at his heels, wielding whips. But this time I was innocent. I’d done nothing deliberately. Was this the dehara’s punishment for what I’d done to Jassenah? I’d been given the perfect life, only to have it snatched away, along with the heartless reminder of what I was. It was too cruel. As I lay there, wrung out, I remembered Haruah’s words: don’t make the same mistakes. I knew that. This was a chance to make amends to the universe. If Malakess really had deceived me, if what those snarling hara had said to me was true, I would walk away. I hadn’t given Malakess my heart. It would be a sacrifice to lose him, but I could bear it. I must prove to myself and the world what I truly was. In that resolve lay strength. This was a test, nothing more, nothing less.
Huriel, as I’ve said before, had become like a parent to me, therefore his psychic antennae picked up my distress even before I entered the house. He was in hallway as I let myself in.
‘Gesaril, you’re back early,’ he said, somewhat tensely.
I tried to keep my face averted. ‘I feel ill,’ I said.
‘Ill? In what way?’
Part of me wanted to hug the night’s events to myself in embarrassment, but another part was a harling who wanted to be comforted. I let Huriel see my face.
‘By Aru, Gesaril, what’s wrong?’ he exclaimed, and came to take me in his arms.
That, of course, burst the banks of poisoned water inside me. My sobs were like retching. What had I been thinking? I was no sophisticated adult. Malakess would never weep like this over another har. I despised myself for doing it, even though I knew I wasn’t just crying about Malakess. In fact, the other things were worse.
Huriel let the storm die down and then led me into the kitchen. I was relieved to note through blurred vision that Ystayne and Rayzie weren’t there. Huriel pushed me into a chair by the wide old table and went into the larder. He returned with a bottle, sat down opposite me, poured two glasses of wine and pushed one towards me. I stared at it.
‘Drink, then talk,’ Huriel said.
I lifted the glass. It smelled of summer: some of Rayzie’s rose petal wine. I drank, wept silently some more, then said, ‘Huriel, I think I must go home.’
His eyes were very round. ‘What?’
I held his gaze, but he clearly had no idea what was bothering me. I was tempted to open my mind to him, then thought better of it. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
He shrugged, almost irritably. ‘Tell you what? What’s going on?’
‘About Malakess. About Iscane.’
I wanted him to ask again what I meant, but he dropped his eyes from mine. ‘Oh,’ he said.
‘You knew,’ I said, horrified. ‘It’s true, then. Malakess is chesna with his… assistant.’
Huriel screwed up his face, shook his head. ‘Not chesna, no.’ He sighed. ‘Oh, Gesaril, there was nothing to tell, not really. Malakess and Iscane have lived together for years, but Malakess has never seen that as…’ He shook his head again. ‘This sounds bad, I know. I’m sorry.’ He looked at me. ‘What happened tonight?’
‘A group of hara took it upon themselves to corner and threaten me with violence,’ I said. ‘They are friends of Iscane’s.’
‘That’s preposterous,’ Huriel said. ‘What did Malakess say?’
‘He doesn’t know. I left the party.’
‘But why?’
‘Why?’ A surge of anger went through me and I got to my feet. ‘Why, Huriel? Do you really have to ask? You brought me here to get away from what happened in Jesith, to start again, but history is just repeating itself. The second generation hara here think the same of me as they did in Jesith. I’m a predator, a chesnari stealer! How could Malakess do this to me?’
‘Hush,’ Huriel said, making a placatory gesture with both hands. ‘This is just a misunderstanding. Iscane can’t have believed that he was chesna with Malakess. He’s just staff.’
‘Just staff? Like Rayzie and Ystayne are, here?’ I snapped. ‘Does that mean he’s not a real har with feelings? He might only be staff, but that hasn’t stopped Malakess from rooning him constantly for the past four years! In his position, I’d probably consider that a formal relationship too!’
‘You must calm down,’ Huriel said desperately. ‘This can be sorted out.’
‘No it can’t,’ I said. ‘Hara’s minds are made up. Those hara tonight knew about Ysobi and what happened. One of them told me he knew. I won’t be this horrible thing they think I am, Huriel, I really won’t. I don’t want them to like me, but neither do I want them to despise me or mean me harm. I can’t live here under that cloud. I’ve had enough of it. Why can’t you see that? You know all about me.’
Huriel put his face in his hands for a moment, then raked his fingers through his hair. ‘Look… Malakess sees you as different. It’s not the same between you and him as it is between him and Iscane. He doesn’t see Iscane as chesna material. It sounds blunt, but that’s the truth of it. You know it yourself. These things happen all the time.’
‘Do they?’ I uttered a growl. ‘I never knew that. Suddenly the Shadowvales seem incredibly attractive to me. Things like that didn’t happen there. They didn’t happen in Jesith, either.’
‘He should have told you,’ Huriel persisted bravely, ‘and I have mentioned it to him. He didn’t see it as important.’
‘He’d have just cast Iscane out, moved me in?’
‘No, of course not.’
I sat down again, put a hand to my face, rubbed hard. ‘I can’t believe he’d have moved me in there, into that situation. It would have been intolerable. Thank dehara I found out about this before that happened. But it’s still too late. I have a bad reputation here now as well.’
‘That will be dealt with,’ Huriel said firmly. ‘You acted in all innocence.’
‘No point,’ I said. ‘The only thing that will possibly change hara’s minds is if I end it with Malakess, which is what I intend to do.’
‘You can’t!’ Huriel exclaimed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’
‘It’s too late,’ I said, ‘way too late.’ Picking up the wine bottle, I began to leave the room. I heard the scrape of Huriel’s chair against the flagstones. ‘Don’t follow me,’ I said, without looking round. ‘I mean it, Huriel.’
He didn’
t.
Alone in my room, I drank from the bottle, fully intending and hoping that consuming the lot would render me unconscious. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. I was incandescently furious one moment, inexpressibly miserable the next. That har tonight had looked at me with Jassenah’s eyes, that same withering, curled lip contempt. I had sought to steal Ysobi away from Jassenah. I had meant to do it, and I hadn’t cared. This was different. But hara wouldn’t see it that way.
An hour or so later, I was lying on my back on the bed, rehearsing dozens of different scripts in my head, when I heard the sound of a carriage outside. It would be Malakess. The thought of seeing him made me feel nauseous. I couldn’t face him tonight. Perhaps Huriel wouldn’t think to come and ask me first. He might just send Malakess up to my room. I leapt from the bed, ran to the door, and turned the old key in the lock, then squatted on the floor with my face pressed to the wood. Sure enough, soon there were footsteps, but it was Huriel. He tried the door, made a sound of annoyance to find it barred to him. He knocked. ‘Gesaril, open the door.’
‘Go away,’ I said.
‘You must come down.’
‘No. I won’t see him tonight. He must leave.’
‘Open the door,’ he said, more softly. ‘At least, talk to me.’
But the fact was, there was nothing to say. I’d already made up my mind. I had to take back control, and as far as I could see it, there was only one way to do that. I wanted to punish Malakess, yes, but I also wanted to be free of judgement. I wanted to make a gesture, show I wasn’t bad. ‘Tell him that if he wants to see me, he must come here tomorrow,’ I said.
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