by Alta Hensley
“Jesus,” he said as he broke away and stared out the window. “I’m a damn mess. I’ve spent so long trying to fight for my dad that I really became a weak man.”
“You are far from weak,” I said.
Mateo let out a deep breath. “Maybe I’m strong in the ring. But it’s time I pull my shit together and get strong outside of it. Enough is enough.”
It seemed like hours before the mood lightened, but I soon got Mateo to the position where he was telling me happy stories about his relationship with Cisco and sharing fond memories. Seeing Mateo so sad and broken, his entire being falling apart, damn near killed me. But I knew this man. I could see his inner strength rebounding, and it was just a matter of time until he dominated in all aspects. He was The Matador. It made me realize just how much I cared for the man.
As we sat on the couch, his head resting back, I watched Mateo drift off into a deep sleep. I knew that maybe I should wake him up and put him into bed, but he looked so comfortable I didn’t want to disturb him. I was pretty sure he hadn’t slept well in God knows how long.
As his breathing became deeper, and a light snore came out of his nose, an overwhelming rush of love consumed me. It hit me all at once that maybe Cisco was right with his assumption. That maybe there was something very deep between us. Maybe we really were meant to be. It was just that neither of us could see it just yet. I was cautious because I didn’t know a lot about relationships, and Mateo was holding back because he was scared to let himself get close to anyone. Maybe it was time for us both to just push past those barriers and to actually talk about how we were feeling. Whenever we were together, and we were alone, we felt like a real couple anyway. It was only when we stepped into the chaos of daily living that things got confusing.
Maybe if we took a moment to actually talk about what was going on in our hearts, we could actually start something real. It might be hard and scary to dive in head first without a life raft, but if we didn’t, then we risked losing everything.
I didn’t know a lot about love, but I did know I was not prepared to lose Mateo. Not now, not when my feelings were so strong. Not when I thought he could be the one.
Did I love him? I honestly didn’t know. But I did need to stick around long enough to find out.
20
Mateo
“I made a lot of mistakes out of the ring, but I never made any in it.”
—Jack Johnson
I still felt like shit about my dad leaving me the way he did, even a few days later. But I was doing the only thing I knew for a fact he would have wanted, and I pushed forward regardless. I went through the motions of living, forcing myself to keep existing, fully in the knowledge that one day I would find a way to recover. I might not know a lot about life, but surviving dark times was something I was very familiar with, and I knew I’d make it through.
Of course, I had a lot of regrets still floating through my mind. I wished I hadn’t left my dad at the hospital to go and fight, wasting precious time we could have had together. I wished I hadn’t let him down over and over again with the gambling and partying. I wish I could have said goodbye to him, rather than racing off to Nero in a mad crazy rush. But I would have to come to terms with all of that eventually. I was sure that I would. I had to. It really was the only option I had left. I wanted to at least do one thing right by making him proud of me in the end. And I would just have to hope he was around for long enough to know that I tried.
And if not, maybe I could comfort myself by believing he watched over me from above.
I stumbled into the locker room with my mind all over the place, trying to get myself into the right frame of mind for training today. I allowed my mind to imagine my dad on a lounge chair soaking up the sun taking in the air of home. It gave me comfort to at least know he was happy now. It brought me peace if nothing else. It made me think everything happened for a reason, because if I hadn’t been with Nero, I might have forced my dad to stay. I probably would have made him endure more treatments he really didn’t want. I might not like the way things had turned out, but that wasn’t up to me now. I could see that. He finally did what he wanted, what he needed, and honestly I fully respected him for having the balls to do it.
“What are you doing here, bro?” Teo asked me, confusion filling his face as his eyes flicked up to gaze upon me. I’m sure I looked a little messed up, but not enough to warrant that much of a reaction. “Didn’t you get the message?”
“Huh? What message?” What the fuck was I missing here? From the look on everyone’s faces in the gym, it was clearly something huge. Something that I should probably already know. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve… been suspended…” Teo said, giving me a curious look. “How the hell didn’t you know that?”
What the fuck?
A black storm clouded over my vision, and I stormed over to where Danny was standing in the gym with fury in my heart. How the fuck had I been suspended? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. And didn’t I have enough going on in my life without this shit to add to it? How could Shamrocks think that it was a good idea to load this on top of me as well? I was sure Julep had informed Danny of my personal issues, and I needed a little fucking breathing room.
“What’s this about me being suspended?” I snapped at Danny. “Why did no one tell me?”
“You have been contacted by email about it,” Danny replied in an overly calm tone of voice, one that only served to infuriate me further. “You have been suspended because I don’t feel confident having you as part of the gym anymore. You are currently being investigated to see if you’re still a good fit. We have someone filling in for your fight in Vegas.”
I knew what that meant. He was digging to get all his shit together, and then he’d make it official and kick me out of the gym completely. I was being edged out. I was not a fucking idiot, and he knew that. Judging by the smirk that plastered across his face, he didn’t give a shit either.
“Why?” I had to ask, already knowing that I was going to hate the answer.
“I think we both know the reason.” There was a threat in his tone now. One that Danny really wanted me to hear. “You are an untrustworthy boxer. You threw the last Vegas fight you were at. We can’t have you up to your old tricks again, and I have my suspicions that you might be.”
The look that Danny gave me suggested that he knew much more than he was letting on. Did he have someone following me, or tracking me? Did Danny know that I’d been to see Nero again? Maybe if he heard about my dad being sick, he figured I needed to be investigated… and rightfully so, I suppose. But how did I tell him what was going on without basically admitting to the fact I had planned on getting back in bed with Nero? Surely by saying that, I’d be suspended anyway. Maybe fired immediately or even sued for breaking my contract with Shamrocks. Danny had me backed into a corner, and he was very aware of that.
“But Vegas is the most vital fight,” I tried my best to argue logically. “If you don’t have me fight, we lose any shot at the heavyweight championship.”
“Oh, I agree,” Danny said, completely stunning me. “I know for a fact that we need you to win, but the choice isn’t mine to make. The promoters have made their decision, and I have to do what they say. I care about my ass. Not yours.”
“But…”
“Look, Mateo, I think it would be best for everyone if you stopped arguing and just got the fuck out of here,” he said, clapping his hand on my shoulder just a little too hard. “I didn’t want to bring this up, but now I feel like you’ve made me. The rumors have gotten back to me that you have been dating my sister, despite my warnings for you to leave her the hell alone. I really can’t have that shit going on in my gym. It proves just how disloyal you are, and that you care more about yourself than the gym and what I have to say.”
To me, that confirmed everything. Julep and I hadn’t told anyone about us. We had discussed that we wouldn’t for the time being, and I sure as fuck knew Jul
ep wouldn’t tell her brother. She didn’t want him to know even more than me. This meant that I had been followed, which also ensured that I couldn’t deny anything. If Danny had been smart enough to do this, then I was pretty sure he would also have photographic evidence to back it up too.
“Your sister is a grown woman,” I began.
“Don’t stand there and try to defend you boning her. I warned you to stay away, and you should have respected my wishes,” Danny said, taking a few steps back. “She’s not just some chick to bang and be done with.”
“That’s not how I see her at all. Your sister has become someone I have really come to care about. She’s been there for me during some fucked up shit, and it’s more than what you think.”
“So are you saying you haven’t fucked her?”
“That’s none of your business,” I countered, feeling the temperature rise in my body. I was two seconds from punching him in the gut just to shut him up.
“It is my business. This is my business! And I want you to leave. Now,” Danny shouted.
I really didn’t want to leave the gym. I wanted to defend myself to the death. But it was clear to me now that it would do no good. If anything, it would make it all a million times worse. We were escalating to a point where I knew it was just a matter of time until we were both using fists. I knew Julep wouldn’t want that.
“Okay, I’ll go.” I held up my hands in a defeated gesture, moving backwards. “Just let me know when my ban has been lifted or if you are going to officially can my ass,” I said this sarcastically because we both knew that it wouldn’t happen.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I slammed my hands against my steering wheel in temper as I drove back home. Now I had absolutely nothing. I had no dad, no family whatsoever, no job, no business, no friends, and probably no Julep too. I tried to do what was right, even though there was a brief slip along the way, and I still ended up with nothing. What the fuck was the damn point?
Having nothing left to lose, I called the last person in the world I wanted to be talking to, but I might as well get it over with now.
“Hello?” Oh God, his tone of voice was too friendly. It wouldn’t be long until that changed. “Mateo, I’ve been meaning to call you today. I have the plan worked out.”
“Actually, about that,” I said glumly, sickness threatening to spill past my lips at any given moment. “I’m going to have to cancel it. I’ve been followed, and the gym has guessed what I’m up to. I’ve been suspended so I won’t be fighting now.” I said the words so flatly, almost robotic. “I’ll get the money you gave me back to you as soon as possible.”
“What the fuck are you saying?” Nero screamed, losing his temper instantly. “Do you know how much fucking money I have riding on this fight? Are you stupid? How the fucking hell did you manage to let this shit happen to you?” Maybe I should have been scared at his fury, but I was just numb instead. What the hell could he do to me now? What could he take from me? I had nothing left. “Your father will die because of this. I fucking mean it!”
“My father is already dead, motherfucker,” I shouted. “So there’s really nothing that you can threaten me with.” I refused to tell him the truth, just in case he really would hunt my father down in Cuba to kill him just to prove a point that he was not a man to be messed with.
“I can fucking kill you,” he said sinisterly, but I didn’t give a shit about that threat either. Let him fucking come at me. Let him try and kill me. I really didn’t have anything to live for anymore anyway. “I can fuck you up for this. I can break every damn bone in your body, you piece of shit.”
I allowed the phone to fall from my hand and onto the seat below. I could hear him yelling and screaming at me, but it no longer bothered me. Fuck him. Let him go on. There wasn’t exactly anything I could do about the suspension anyway. I couldn’t overturn the decision. Nero was just going to have to get the hell over it, or kill me. Who gave a fuck really? Nero would bounce back. He had other avenues of money. I was the only loser here. The only one who was left with nothing.
I hated being pathetic, giving up, but I really did feel hopeless. More so than I’d ever felt before. This hole was too big now. I had dug it too deep. There was no climbing out no matter how hard I tried.
21
Julep
“He went to the hospital with bleeding kidneys and me. I went dancing with my wife.”
– George Chuvalo
I tapped my foot impatiently on the ground as it became increasingly apparent that Mateo wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t know what the hell to do. He must see that it wasn’t my fault he got suspended. In fact, I knew nothing about it, nor that Danny had planned on doing so and contacting the promoters.
It didn’t help that somehow, despite all of our efforts to keep things between us private, our relationship had become public knowledge anyway. So my opinion on Mateo and whether he should fight in Vegas was seen as totally one-sided.
“Loverboy ignoring you?” Danny asked with a smirk on his lips. “This is what happens when you get involved with one of the boxers. Our gym goes to shit.”
“Are you kidding me?” I snapped back angrily. “You’re blaming me for everything?”
“Well if we lose the gym because we can’t fucking produce a champion since Pops died, this is on you. You said you would make sure Mateo didn’t fuck up. You were weak.” He shrugged, acting as if he wasn’t saying terrible, heart-wrenching words. “Everyone thinks so. The other fighters are saying that if you hadn’t started hooking up with Mateo, he would still be fighting for us. You got in his head, and had him start thinking with his other head.”
Even though I knew what Danny was saying wasn’t all true, and that actually Mateo’s suspension had more to do with Danny feeling betrayed, I couldn’t help the burning rage that bubbled up inside of me. As if I was not feeling shitty enough, my own brother had to make me feel worse. What the fuck was his problem? I regarded him curiously for a moment, wondering where it all went wrong. We were so close before our father died, and I couldn’t believe that it was all just… gone. I knew that we had grown up, and that he resented my presence at Shamrocks. He felt the gym was his to run. Not mine. But couldn’t he just push all of his fucked up feelings aside for one moment, when it was so clear that I was hurting?
It also didn’t seem to matter to Danny that he had made a lot of boxers leave because he could be such a damn asshole. I made one mistake—well, a mistake in his eyes anyway—and I became the worst person alive and the reason for all of Shamrocks’ struggles.
“Go to hell,” I muttered, standing up. “I’m going home.”
I couldn’t sit in this gym for another minute with my brother’s smug eyes on me. Knowing him, he was probably hoping that we’d lose the gym just so he could blame me for it.
By the time I actually got home, my face was wet with tears. I was just so devastated at the way everything with Mateo had turned out. I had never stepped out of line before. I had never gone as far as to actually hook up with one of the boxers, which should show just how deep my feelings were for this guy. Mateo wasn’t just a quick fuck to me. I liked him… I really liked him, and the more time I spent with him, the deeper I fell.
I stalked into the kitchen to grab myself a drink. This was just marvelous. The last thing I needed was my brother having even more ammunition over me. He was bad enough as it was making me feel as if we weren’t equal partners in the gym. I let out a deep sigh, just picturing how much fun the rest of Shamrocks’ life span was going to be working alongside him. I briefly considered actually quitting and getting another job, before quickly dismissing that plan. Boxing and the gym were all that I knew, and the only thing left of my father. I wasn’t going to let him down by allowing my brother to bully me. It was just like when we were kids. He would pick on me and I would cry to my dad. But instead of my father getting my brother in trouble or demanding that he apologize to me, my dad would tell me to put up my fists and go knock the hell out of h
im. Go show him I wasn’t a weak little girl who could be pushed around. My dad told me to fight. He taught me to earn my respect. Fists up as I applied my crown because I was a queen. Yes, I was a motherfucking queen and this was my ring.
My ring, and my fight.
As my heart thumped wrathfully in my chest and my mind raced, I gathered my strength. There might have been a decision made by Danny, and a message sent out to the promoters, but the decision couldn’t be made final without me. I had a say. It was my gym too. And fuck the promoters. I wasn’t going to let them rule over my kingdom.
I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. Not when there was an obvious solution here. No, I needed to act fast to restore Mateo’s and my own reputation by getting him to Vegas. It might not work, and the promoters might not actually let him fight, but if I didn’t at least try, I would always regret forfeiting the fight.
With that one thought in my mind, I grabbed hold of my car keys and determinedly marched from my home.
It wasn’t until I was standing at Mateo’s front door, tentatively knocking, that all the issues with my plan started to form in my mind.
What if Mateo didn’t want to come to Vegas with me?
What if he was mad at me and wouldn’t believe I had no part in this decision of Danny’s?
What if I push him away forever by being too aggressive?
After a while, the door swung open, and I found myself faced with a very disheveled-looking Mateo. He had bags under his eyes, and his skin looked etched with distress. “What do you want?”
“I… I…” I started. “Mateo, I want you to come to Vegas with me. We need you to fight. You need to fight.”