by Leo Tolstoy
This state of feeling even affected my health, and I began to suffer from nerves. One morning I was worse than usual. He had come back from the estate-office out of sorts, which was a rare thing with him. I noticed it at once and asked what was the matter. He would not tell me and said it was of no importance. I found out afterwards that the police-inspector, out of spite against my husband, was summoning our peasants, making illegal demands on them, and using threats to them. My husband could not swallow this at once; he could not feel it merely ‘pitiful and amusing’. He was provoked, and therefore unwilling to speak of it to me. But it seemed to me that he did not wish to speak to me about it because he considered me a mere child, incapable of understanding his concerns. I turned from him and said no more. I then told the servant to ask Márya Mínichna, who was staying in the house, to join us at breakfast. I ate my breakfast very fast and took her to the morning-room, where I began to talk loudly to her about some trifle which did not interest me in the least. He walked about the room, glancing at us from time to time. This made me more and more inclined to talk and even to laugh; all that I said myself, and all that Márya Mínichna said, seemed to me laughable. Without a word to me he went off to his study and shut the door behind him. When I ceased to hear him, all my high spirits vanished at once: indeed Márya Mínichna was surprised and asked what was the matter. I sat down on a sofa without answering, and felt ready to cry. ‘What has he got on his mind?’ I wondered; ‘some trifle which he thinks important; but, if he tried to tell it me, I should soon show him it was mere nonsense. But he must needs think that I won’t understand, must humiliate me by his majestic composure, and always be in the right as against me. But I too am in the right when I find things tiresome and trivial,’ I reflected; ‘and I do well to want an active life rather than to stagnate in one spot and feel life flowing past me. I want to move forward, to have some new experience every day and every hour, whereas he wants to stand still and to keep me standing beside him. And how easy it would be for him to gratify me! He need not take me to town; he need only be like me and not put compulsion on himself and regulate his feelings, but live simply. That is the advice he gives me, but he is not simple himself. That is what is the matter.’
I felt the tears rising and knew that I was irritated with him. My irritation frightened me, and I went to his study. He was sitting at the table, writing. Hearing my step, he looked up for a moment and then went on writing; he seemed calm and unconcerned. His look vexed me: instead of going up to him, I stood beside his writing-table, opened a book, and began to look at it. He broke off his writing again and looked at me.
‘Másha, are you out of sorts?’ he asked.
I replied with a cold look, as much as to say, ‘You are very polite, but what is the use of asking?’ He shook his head and smiled with a tender timid air; but his smile, for the first time, drew no answering smile from me.
‘What happened to you to-day?’ I asked; ‘why did you not tell me?’
‘Nothing much – a trifling nuisance,’ he said. ‘But I might tell you now. Two of our serfs went off to the town …’
But I would not let him go on.
‘Why would you not tell me, when I asked you at breakfast?’
‘I was angry then and should have said something foolish.’
‘I wished to know then.’
‘Why?’
‘Why do you suppose that I can never help you in anything?’
‘Not help me!’ he said, dropping his pen. ‘Why, I believe that without you I could not live. You not only help me in everything I do, but you do it yourself. You are very wide of the mark,’ he said, and laughed. ‘My life depends on you. I am pleased with things, only because you are there, because I need you …’
‘Yes, I know; I am a delightful child who must be humoured and kept quiet,’ I said in a voice that astonished him, so that he looked up as if this was a new experience; ‘but I don’t want to be quiet and calm; that is more in your line, and too much in your line,’ I added.
‘Well,’ he began quickly, interrupting me and evidently afraid to let me continue, ‘when I tell you the facts, I should like to know your opinion.’
‘I don’t want to hear them now,’ I answered. I did want to hear the story, but I found it so pleasant to break down his composure. ‘I don’t want to play at life,’ I said, ‘but to live, as you do yourself.’
His face, which reflected every feeling so quickly and so vividly, now expressed pain and intense attention.
‘I want to share your life, to …’ but I could not go on – his face showed such deep distress. He was silent for a moment.
‘But what part of my life do you not share?’ he asked; ‘is it because I, and not you, have to bother with the inspector and with tipsy labourers?’
‘That’s not the only thing,’ I said.
‘For God’s sake try to understand me, my dear!’ he cried. ‘I know that excitement is always painful; I have learnt that from the experience of life. I love you, and I can’t but wish to save you from excitement. My life consists of my love for you; so you should not make life impossible for me.’
‘You are always in the right,’ I said without looking at him.
I was vexed again by his calmness and coolness while I was conscious of annoyance and some feeling akin to penitence.
‘Másha, what is the matter?’ he asked. ‘The question is not, which of us is in the right – not at all; but rather, what grievance have you against me? Take time before you answer, and tell me all that is in your mind. You are dissatisfied with me: and you are, no doubt, right; but let me understand what I have done wrong.’
But how could I put my feeling into words? That he understood me at once, that I again stood before him like a child, that I could do nothing without his understanding and foreseeing it – all this only increased my agitation.
‘I have no complaint to make of you,’ I said; ‘I am merely bored and want not to be bored. But you say that it can’t be helped, and, as always, you are right.’
I looked at him as I spoke. I had gained my object: his calmness had disappeared, and I read fear and pain in his face.
‘Másha,’ he began in a low troubled voice, ‘this is no mere trifle: the happiness of our lives is at stake. Please hear me out without answering. Why do you wish to torment me?’
But I interrupted him.
‘Oh, I know you will turn out to be right. Words are useless; of course you are right.’ I spoke coldly, as if some evil spirit were speaking with my voice.
‘If you only knew what you are doing!’ he said, and his voice shook.
I burst out crying and felt relieved. He sat down beside me and said nothing. I felt sorry for him, ashamed of myself, and annoyed at what I had done. I avoided looking at him. I felt that any look from him at that moment must express severity or perplexity. At last I looked up and saw his eyes: they were fixed on me with a tender gentle expression that seemed to ask for pardon. I caught his hand and said,
‘Forgive me! I don’t know myself what I have been saying.’
‘But I do; and you spoke the truth.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘That we must go to Petersburg,’ he said; ‘there is nothing for us to do here just now.’
‘As you please,’ I said.
He took me in his arms and kissed me.
‘You must forgive me,’ he said; ‘for I am to blame.’
That evening I played to him for a long time, while he walked about the room. He had a habit of muttering to himself; and when I asked him what he was muttering, he always thought for a moment and then told me exactly what it was. It was generally verse, and sometimes mere nonsense, but I could always judge of his mood by it. When I asked him now, he stood still, thought an instant, and then repeated two lines from Lérmontov:
He in his madness prays for storms,
And dreams that storms will bring him peace.
‘He is really more than human,’ I tho
ught; ‘he knows everything. How can one help loving him?’
I got up, took his arm, and began to walk up and down with him, trying to keep step.
‘Well?’ he asked, smiling and looking at me.
‘All right,’ I whispered. And then a sudden fit of merriment came over us both: our eyes laughed, we took longer and longer steps, and rose higher and higher on tiptoe. Prancing in this manner, to the profound dissatisfaction of the butler and astonishment of my mother-in-law, who was playing patience in the parlour, we proceeded through the house till we reached the dining-room; there we stopped, looked at one another, and burst out laughing.
A fortnight later, before Christmas, we were in Petersburg.
Chapter II
THE journey to Petersburg, a week in Moscow, visits to my own relations and my husband’s, settling down in our new quarters, travel, new towns and new faces – all this passed before me like a dream. It was all so new, various, and delightful, so warmly and brightly lighted up by his presence and his love, that our quiet life in the country seemed to me something very remote and unimportant. I had expected to find people in society proud and cold; but to my great surprise, I was received everywhere with unfeigned cordiality and pleasure, not only by relations, but also by strangers. I seemed to be the one object of their thoughts, and my arrival the one thing they wanted, to complete their happiness. I was surprised too to discover in what seemed to me the very best society a number of people acquainted with my husband, though he had never spoken of them to me; and I often felt it odd and disagreeable to hear him now speak disapprovingly of some of these people who seemed to me so kind. I could not understand his coolness towards them or his endeavours to avoid many acquaintances that seemed to me flattering. Surely, the more kind people one knows, the better; and here everyone was kind.
‘This is how we must manage, you see,’ he said to me before we left the country; ‘here we are little Croesuses, but in town we shall not be at all rich. So we must not stay after Easter, or go into society, or we shall get into difficulties. For your sake too I should not wish it.’
‘Why should we go into society?’ I asked; ‘we shall have a look at the theatres, see our relations, go to the opera, hear some good music, and be ready to come home before Easter.’
But these plans were forgotten the moment we got to Petersburg. I found myself at once in such a new and delightful world, surrounded by so many pleasures and confronted by such novel interests, that I instantly, though unconsciously, turned my back on my past life and its plans. ‘All that was preparatory, a mere playing at life; but here is the real thing! And there is the future too!’ Such were my thoughts. The restlessness and symptoms of depression which had troubled me at home vanished at once and entirely, as if by magic. My love for my husband grew calmer, and I ceased to wonder whether he loved me less. Indeed I could not doubt his love: every thought of mine was understood at once, every feeling shared, and every wish gratified by him. His composure, if it still existed, no longer provoked me. I also began to realize that he not only loved me but was proud of me. If we paid a call, or made some new acquaintance, or gave an evening party at which I, trembling inwardly from fear of disgracing myself, acted as hostess, he often said when it was over: ‘Bravo, young woman! capital! you needn’t be frightened; a real success!’ And his praise gave me great pleasure. Soon after our arrival he wrote to his mother and asked me to add a postscript, but refused to let me see his letter; of course I insisted on reading it; and he had said: ‘You would not know Másha again, I don’t myself. Where does she get that charming graceful self-confidence and ease, such social gifts with such simplicity and charm and kindliness? Everybody is delighted with her. I can’t admire her enough myself, and should be more in love with her than ever, if that were possible.’
‘Now I know what I am like,’ I thought. In my joy and pride I felt that I loved him more than before. My success with all our new acquaintances was a complete surprise to me. I heard on all sides, how this uncle had taken a special fancy for me, and that aunt was raving about me; I was told by one admirer that I had no rival among the Petersburg ladies, and assured by another, a lady, that I might, if I cared, lead the fashion in society. A cousin of my husband’s, in particular, a Princess D—, middle-aged and very much at home in society, fell in love with me at first sight and paid me compliments which turned my head. The first time that she invited me to a ball and spoke to my husband about it, he turned to me and asked if I wished to go; I could just detect a sly smile on his face. I nodded assent and felt that I was blushing.
‘She looks like a criminal when confessing what she wishes,’ he said with a good-natured laugh.
‘But you said that we must not go into society, and you don’t care for it yourself,’ I answered, smiling and looking imploringly at him.
‘Let us go, if you want to very much,’ he said.
‘Really, we had better not.’
‘Do you want to? very badly?’ he asked again.
I said nothing.
‘Society in itself is no great harm,’ he went on; ‘but unsatisfied social aspirations are a bad and ugly business. We must certainly accept, and we will.’
‘To tell you the truth,’ I said, ‘I never in my life longed for anything as much as I do for this ball.’
So we went, and my delight exceeded all my expectations. It seemed to me, more than ever, that I was the centre round which everything revolved, that for my sake alone this great room was lighted up and the band played, and that this crowd of people had assembled to admire me. From the hairdresser and the lady’s maid to my partners and the old gentlemen promenading the ball-room, all alike seemed to make it plain that they were in love with me. The general verdict formed at the ball about me and reported by my cousin, came to this: I was quite unlike the other women and had a rural simplicity and charm of my own. I was so flattered by my success that I frankly told my husband I should like to attend two or three more balls during the season, and ‘so get thoroughly sick of them’, I added; but I did not mean what I said.
He agreed readily; and he went with me at first with obvious satisfaction. He took pleasure in my success, and seemed to have quite forgotten his former warning or to have changed his opinion.
But a time came when he was evidently bored and wearied by the life we were leading. I was too busy, however, to think about that. Even if I sometimes noticed his eyes fixed questioningly on me with a serious attentive gaze, I did not realize its meaning. I was utterly blinded by this sudden affection which I seemed to evoke in all our new acquaintances, and confused by the unfamiliar atmosphere of luxury, refinement, and novelty. It pleased me so much to find myself in these surroundings not merely his equal but his superior, and yet to love him better and more independently than before, that I could not understand what he could object to for me in society life. I had a new sense of pride and self-satisfaction when my entry at a ball attracted all eyes, while he, as if ashamed to confess his ownership of me in public, made haste to leave my side and efface himself in the crowd of black coats. ‘Wait a little!’ I often said in my heart, when I identified his obscure and sometimes woebegone figure at the end of the room – ‘Wait till we get home! Then you will see and understand for whose sake I try to be beautiful and brilliant, and what it is I love in all that surrounds me this evening!’ I really believed that my success pleased me only because it enabled me to give it up for his sake. One danger I recognized as possible – that I might be carried away by a fancy for some new acquaintance, and that my husband might grow jealous. But he trusted me so absolutely, and seemed so undisturbed and indifferent, and all the young men were so inferior to him, that I was not alarmed by this one danger. Yet the attention of so many people in society gave me satisfaction, flattered my vanity, and made me think that there was some merit in my love for my husband. Thus I became more offhand and self-confident in my behaviour to him.
‘Oh, I saw you this evening carrying on a most animated conversa
tion with Mme N—,’ I said one night on returning from a ball, shaking my finger at him. He had really been talking to this lady, who was a well-known figure in Petersburg society. He was more silent and depressed than usual, and I said this to rouse him up.
‘What is the good of talking like that, for you especially, Másha?’ he said with half-closed teeth and frowning as if in pain. ‘Leave that to others; it does not suit you and me. Pretence of that sort may spoil the true relation between us, which I still hope may come back.’
I was ashamed and said nothing.
‘Will it ever come back, Másha, do you think?’ he asked.
‘It never was spoilt and never will be,’ I said; and I really believed this then.
‘God grant that you are right!’ he said; ‘if not, we ought to be going home.’
But he only spoke like this once – in general he seemed as satisfied as I was, and I was so gay and so happy! I comforted myself too by thinking, ‘If he is bored sometimes, I endured the same thing for his sake in the country. If the relation between us has become a little different, everything will be the same again in summer, when we shall be alone in our house at Nikólskoe with Tatyána Semënovna.’