by Darian Smith
Chapman’s five love languages are:
Words
Acts of Service
Touch/Physical Affection
Gifts
Quality Time
Each of these ways of expressing affection has merit and there are no right or wrong ways to do it. However, if one person is communicating their love with words and expects the other person to do the same, they may miss the fact that their partner says “I love you” not in words but by bringing them breakfast in bed every morning.
The classic example might be the husband who expresses love through physical affection and gifts to a wife who expresses love through words and quality time. He works long hours so as to bring home a pay check and feel like he is providing things for her as a token of his love. He wants their sex life to be full steam when he is home as this expresses his physical love language and makes him feel loved in return. She, on the other hand, is less interested in sex because she is missing out on the quality time she actually needs to feel loved and wants him to talk to her about how he feels. She tries to get him to open up about his emotions verbally and spend more time together, which he finds frustrating because he doesn’t understand the point of it. So while they are both expressing love to each other in their own ways, neither of them is able to receive the message of love because it is not in a “language” they understand.
Part of the therapist’s job is to help the couple understand each other’s language and begin to use the languages their partner understands.
For a writer, this mis-match of love languages is an ideal way to show problems and build conflict between characters in your story. Part of the journey for the characters is to learn to understand where each other is coming from – or not, depending on what you have in store for those characters.
The Four Horsemen
Another great way to demonstrate conflict in a relationship between characters is by using John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. Gottman’s research identified four critical behaviours that could accurately predict the demise of a relationship. Their presence literally erodes love in a relationship and leaves the participants feeling unhappy.
Again, having a knowledge of these is useful for a writer to be able to create conflict between characters. Think about the work you have done on your characters’ childhood messages, their life script expectations, and the parts of themselves that may get out of control and lead them into damaging behaviour. How could those elements be shown to bring about the behaviours known as the Four Horsemen?
The horsemen are:
Criticism
This is when you pick on the person rather than complain about a specific behaviour. E.g. “You never clean up after yourself. You must love living in a pig sty.” When a complaint would be, “I find it really irritating when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. Could you put them in the laundry?”
Contempt
Behaviour that indicates disgust with a person – sneering, name calling, mocking, etc.
Defensiveness
Refusing to accept part of the responsibility or even consider one’s own flaws. Changing the subject to the other person’s flaws instead or blaming them for starting it somehow. “You’re the one who…”
Stonewalling
Refusing to engage in the discussion. The silent treatment. Walking out. Shutting down the conversation.
These behaviours are markers of a relationship in trouble so, as a writer, you can utilise them to show difficulties your characters are having with each other. Contempt, in particular, is very damaging. Think about how far you want the conflict between your characters to go and how they will mend it if they can. Using the love languages can be a good way to show a reconnection. Characters will need to find ways to address the real issue while showing respect if you want them to rebuild relationship.
Example
In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Mr Darcy’s way with love language of Words leaves something to be desired and Elizabeth has always been so very good with them. But when her family is in dire need, it is Darcy’s Act of Service in coming to their aid that demonstrates his love to her. Although she does comment that her attitude to him may have begun to change when she saw his home at Pemberley, so perhaps Lizzy speaks the language of Gifts also!
Further reading
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing, 2014
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver, Harmony, 2015
Worksheet – Build the Character
Answer the questions below to use the theory in this section to develop your characters.
How does the character communicate? Are they open with their feelings?
Are they verbal or more demonstrative?
What body language do they use?
How do they word things when they speak? Are they abrupt, gentle, diplomatic, aggressive, etc?
What are the character’s primary and secondary love languages?
How do they demonstrate these love languages? I.e. if “Acts of Service” what acts do they perform for those they care about?
Which are the character’s least fluent love languages? Why? How does this match their personality?
When in a relationship that is experiencing difficulty, which of the Horsemen do they exhibit? Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling?
What do they do that shows them to be engaging in Horseman behaviour?
How does the character react when faced with Horseman behaviour?
Worksheet – Build the Story
Answer the questions below to use the theory in this section to develop your plot and increase conflict.
What other characters in the book does this character have a good relationship with? Why?
What other characters in the book does this character have a challenging relationship with? Why?
Which characters have a mis-match of love languages? If there are none, which characters can you change to create one?
How do the mis-matched love languages create conflict within the relationship?
What messages are missed because one character is using a love language another character doesn’t use? How does this impact their relationship and create conflict in the story?
What opportunities are there in the story to have characters faced with Criticism and how do they deal with it?
What opportunities are there in the story to have characters faced with Contempt and how do they deal with it?
What opportunities are there in the story to have characters faced with Defensiveness and how do they deal with it?
What opportunities are there in the story to have characters faced with Stonewalling and how do they deal with it?
There’s No Place Like Home (With the Family)
The Theory
The systemic approach to family and individual therapy is based on the idea that individuals exist as part of a system and the actions of each part of the system affect the rest. It holds that the system and individual want to do their best but are sometimes held back by various external or internal forces that are part of the dynamics of the system.
For example, a young person may want to move out of their family home, but feels obligated to stay so her parents don’t get lonely. The parents want her to grow into adulthood but also want to protect her so they allow her to remain with them. Everyone in this example has good intentions and the actions of each person has an impact on the others and on the family dynamic as a whole. There will be an uneasy balance of push and pull between them until the issue is resolved.
A person may be part of multiple systems that work on them in different ways. We often behave differently in the work environment versus the home environment versus when we are hanging out with friends. The dynamics of that system of people have an impact on how we are when we are with them.
One of the most powerful systems in a person’s life is th
eir family. Family knows best how to press our buttons! As a writer, it’s important to think about where your character comes from and what their place is within the community systems in which they reside and, very importantly, in their family. This may include biological family as well as close friends etc. It’s the character’s support system.
What behaviour does the family system support and what behaviour does it actively inhibit?
Homeostasis
In general, a system resists change, preferring to keep the status quo. This is referred to as homeostasis – the notion that there is a range of behaviours that the system is comfortable with and that when an individual tries to go beyond that comfortable pattern, the system will act on them to stop it. An example of this is an obese person who loses weight and finds that friends and family members try to sabotage their diet or may even abandon them. It isn’t that they want the person to fail, but they are subconsciously uncomfortable with the change in that person’s role as “The Overweight One” in the group.
A writer usually needs their characters to go beyond the norm in order to engage in the unusual activities of the story. This means the other people in the system (family, townsfolk, friends, etc) are likely to exert some form of resistance and even try to punish the character in some way to get him or her to go back to the way they were. They don’t like having someone rock the boat.
For a change to happen, there must be a significant motivation to get your character to overcome this resisting force and move beyond a point of no return.
Sometimes the family system is unhealthy for everyone involved but the homeostasis is so great that no one within the system is willing to make a change. In this situation there is often one person who, like the canary in the mineshaft, signals that something is wrong before anyone else is aware of it. This canary can be an excellent motivating character in a story – either as the lead character or someone the lead cares about or simply sees meet a sticky end and is the catalyst for thinking about whether things should change.
It’s not just the others in the system that will work to pull a character back into their established role either. Once a pattern is familiar, people will often seek to repeat it in other systems or retreat to it when threatened. Think about how your character deals with a desire for comfort in the familiar.
Triangulation
A common element in story telling is the need for previously unfriendly characters to unite against a common enemy. This bonding technique is well known in psychology as triangulation – where two people will discuss a third person’s faults as a way to feel good about themselves and connect with each other in a non-threatening (to themselves) way. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” has a lot of truth to it in this way. If you need characters to work together, think about giving them a common goal or common enemy.
Example
In the television series, Game of Thrones, adapted from George R. R. Martin’s book series, A Song of Fire and Ice, we can see the effects of a family system at play. Both the Starks and the Lannisters have characters in their family systems with clear roles to play. As the story progresses, the Starks are forced out of their roles by circumstance. The Lannisters, however, are held by force of combined will into their roles, despite their acting out in various – and at times incestuous – ways.
Lord Tywin Lannister is the tough patriarch of the family. Cersei’s role is to marry advantageously and serve the family by producing the future king. Jamie is to play the family hero, and Tyrion, no matter how hard he tries, how brilliant he is, and how much he achieves, is never permitted to break free of being the family disappointment. Any time one of them attempts to achieve more than their role within the family system allows, the others in the system act to pull them back.
Further reading
Metaframeworks, by Douglas C. Breunlin, Richard C. Schwartz, and Betty Mac Kune-Karrer, Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2001
An Introduction to Family Therapy, by Rudi Dallos and Ros Draper, Open University Press, 2000
Worksheet – Build the Character
Answer the questions below to use the theory in this section to develop your characters.
What family and social systems or groups does the character belong to?
What is the character’s role within each system?
How does the character try break free or develop from their established role during the course of the story? Are they successful?
What is the role the character wants?
What is the motivation to change the role? Remember, it must be significant enough to overcome the pressure from rest of the system that wants to keep things the same.
Worksheet – Build the Story
Answer the questions below to use the theory in this section to develop your plot and increase conflict.
What do other characters do to stop the main character from breaking out of their normal pattern in the system?
Who is the canary character who recognises that the situation needs to change?
What are the repercussions for the canary character?
How does this impact on the other characters? Does it motivate them toward or away from change? How does this show for the reader?
State of Being
The Theory
In Transactional Analysis, one of the ways to look at a personality and behaviour is in terms of ego states. These refer to the idea that within each of us there is a Parent state, an Adult state, and a Child state. How we behave and relate to one another depends very much on which of the states we are currently operating from.
Parent
The parent ego state can be nurturing or critical
The internalised voice of parental figures
Takes care of you
Tells you off
Is the voice that says “Look both ways when you cross the road.”
Can be bossy
Can be encouraging
Adult
Is logical and in the present
Assesses the evidence
Stays in the present
Uses logic
Is a good place to solve problems from
Child
Can be free and fun loving or “adapted” in response to the rules
Is how you were as a child
Enjoys life – full of fun and playfulness
Adapted child is how you were in response to rules as a child – could be a goody-goody or could be a rebel
We switch between ego states throughout the day in response to events and to the ego states of the people we interact with. If I encounter a person who is talking to me from their Parent, I am likely to respond from my Child. If they are being bossy, I might be rebellious. If they are being nurturing towards me, I might respond by enjoying being taken care of.
Think about your characters and how they will behave in each of the ego states.
Drama Triangle
Another way to think about how characters sometimes interact is with what is called the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle consists of three roles or positions which people tend to take up and invite others to fill the other positions.
They are:
Victim – feels hard done by in the situation, persecuted and needs rescuing
Persecutor – the aggressor in the situation, persecutes the Victim
Rescuer – wants to help out and save the victim
More conflict and drama happens when characters change their position in the triangle. The Victim may decide she didn’t want to be rescued after all and yells at the Rescuer. Thus, the Victim becomes the Persecutor, and the Rescuer becomes a Victim.
Imagine a domestic dispute in a public area. The husband (Persecutor) aggressively yells at his wife (Victim) until a caring passer-by (Rescuer) steps in and asks if everything is all right. The husband goes quiet and looks at his feet, suddenly playing Victim and casting the passer by as Persecutor. His wife steps into the Rescuer role to tell the passer-by that they are fine so that her husband
doesn’t have to feel embarrassed. The passer-by stays and insists on confirming that everyone is safe. Now embarrassed and annoyed herself, the wife tells the passer-by to mind his own business. She is now the Persecutor and the passer-by, feeling tricked and abused, leaves as a Victim.
These changes can happen in an instant and catch the participants quite unaware. They bring with them emotional turmoil and conflict and, in the case of a story, keep the reader on their toes!
Examples
One of the storylines in the movie Love Actually, by Richard Curtis, involves recently widowed Daniel and his stepson, Sam. We see them switch between Parent, Adult, and Child ego states as they interact. They bond with play and movies while both in the Child ego state and Sam opens up about falling in love. Daniel, from the Parent ego state, suggests that Sam might be too young to be in love. Sam, showing a surprising maturity for his age, responds from the Adult ego state to refute this and simply point out that he is. Daniel switches to his own Adult state for the logical discussion, then back to a nurturing Parent ego state to support Sam’s efforts.