by Q. B. Tyler
She narrows her green eyes. “I’m just saying, a guy like Carter would do it right. He cares about you, and he knows you’ve been through a lot.”
Irritation spikes in my veins and I realize I’m fully over this conversation. “Did he ask you to talk this up?”
“No! He knows I wouldn’t anyway. This is me as your best friend just trying to give you advice. I know you’re not like saving yourself for marriage or God or something, so why not have sex with Carter? You already know he can make you come.”
“I want more, Kate. You love Brax and you loved him when you decided to give him your virginity. I want that too. And if I’m not in love, I just want more.”
* * *
I let Kate take me home after our trip for French fries and milkshakes, which means as I turn my key in the door, I’m already expecting Dominic’s attitude about her bringing me home especially after this morning. But what I don’t expect is full on yelling as I make my way through the foyer.
“She said she would call you if she wanted to talk. It’s her decision, Micah. You can’t expect her to instantly jump at the idea of getting to know you when she thought you’d abandoned her. Hell, you did abandon her! And you chose now to come back while the pain of losing one parent is fresh thinking you can prey on that vulnerability. What, do you think she needs you now that Angela’s gone? Fuck off.”
I creep towards the kitchen when I realize he’s just on the phone and Micah isn’t actually at my house. Micah must be replying because it’s silent and I hold my breath as I wait for Dominic’s reply. “Stay away from her until she says the word. Do not ambush her.”
Silence.
“I am what’s best for her.”
My heart squeezes in my chest hearing his fierce protectiveness. I hadn’t called Micah because I felt like my mind wasn’t clear enough to make that decision either. The death of my mother had completely clouded my judgment. About sex. About my father. About everything. I just wanted a moment where my mind wasn’t racing with a million thoughts.
And unfortunately, lately, weed has been doing the opposite of mellowing me out. I spent the ride home thinking about sex with Carter and the anxiety mounting in my chest over it means it isn’t what I want. I’m so caught up in my thoughts that I don’t notice Dominic has turned around and is staring straight at me. He narrows his gaze slightly when our eyes meet. “I have to go,” he grits out before hanging up the phone and looking down at his watch. “You’re early and how did you get here?”
“Do you want me to answer that question?”
He sighs and rests his forearms on the counter before looking up at me. “You told me you and Kate wouldn’t ditch anymore.”
“It’s the first time I’ve been to school in a month and it’s my last week of high school, I think you can let this slide.”
He presses a hand to his forehead. “How much did you hear?”
“Not much. Why are you talking to Micah?”
“He called the school. I guess he didn’t realize I was the principal, but Vice Principal Finch called me. I was furious. I am furious.” He growls as he slams his hand down on the island in the middle of our modern kitchen. “You don’t have to talk to him. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. And if you do want to, you can make him wait. He’s made you wait all this time.” He grumbles that last part and I hear the resentment in his voice.
He wanted to talk to me that desperately? Why now? “I…I don’t know.”
“That’s okay too. I don’t want him bullying you into talking to him. This needs to be on your terms. He’s said what he needed to say; he can wait for you to respond. Him calling the school and sniffing around is just showing how selfish he’s always been.” He lets out a sigh. “It’s why I was such a jerk this morning. I’d heard he called and I was worried he’d call again while you were there or worse show up. I just don’t trust him, Stassi, I’m sorry because I know he’s your father but—”
I’d seen this scenario play out before in books and TV shows and movies when a child finds out they’re adopted and feels this strong need to meet their birth parents. The adopted parents sometimes feel as if they’re not needed or that the child will somehow forget everything they’ve done for them. I can hear it in his voice and a part of me is glad that he wasn’t angry this morning because of anything I’d done.
“I wouldn’t consider him my father, Dominic.” I drop my purse to the table and slide into one of the chairs. “I mean biologically, obviously. But there’s so much more to being a father than conception. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you or the fact that you stepped into that role when no one else wanted to.”
He moves through the kitchen. “Stassi, this isn’t about me.”
“No, but it’s about us. I still need you in my life, Dominic. I get that it’s weird without my mom here holding us together, but…”
“I already told you I would never turn my back on you.”
I nod at his words, happy that he’s spoken the affirmation I need to hear again. “I’m not ready to talk to Micah. I don’t really know what he can say that he hasn’t already and I’m not ready to start the process of getting to know him while I’m dealing with…” I let out a breath as I nervously twist my ponytail around my finger. “Is it that bad that I can’t talk about it? That the only time I’ve cried was because of Micah’s ambush at the funeral? What’s wrong with me?”
Warm hands wrap around mine and slowly pull my hands out of my hair to hold them between his as he drops to his knees in front of me. “There is nothing wrong with you, Stassi. I am sorry that I’ve been pushing you to see someone. Is that where this is coming from?”
“I don’t want to internalize my feelings but I don’t want to see a shrink…” I whisper, repeating his words back to him.
Shock crosses my face when he raises my hands to his lips and brushes them over both of my hands gently. “Look at me.”
I pull my gaze away from where our hands are joined and meet sad blue eyes that are highlighted by the water in them. “I don’t know what the right answer is here. I don’t know what you’re feeling in your heart, so I can’t tell you how to grieve. But I can assure you, that it happens differently for everyone and nothing is wrong with you.”
“A part of me is angry that she didn’t even give me the option to meet Micah. She didn’t tell me he wanted to meet me. I can understand if it wasn’t safe, if that story is even legitimate, but when I was fifteen and he reached out? Why not then?”
“I don’t know, Stass. I didn’t know anything about that, I swear to you. I’m sure she believed she was protecting you. You know she only did anything with your best interest in mind.”
“It feels wrong to be mad at her…I feel guilty. But I don’t know how else to process it.” How can I be mad at her? And what good is it to be mad at someone that can’t respond to my anger?
“Anger is easier than grief. A part of you may be angry at her for dying. That’s normal also. I feel that, often.”
“Really?”
He lets out a deep sigh and leans closer. I smell his rich oak and amber cologne that is inherently sexy. “When my first wife died, I spent so long being angry. At her. At myself. At the world. I hated her for leaving me and I hated myself for feeling that way. It was a vicious cycle, Stassi. With your mom, unfortunately, I’ve learned how to cope, having gone through this once before. I let the stages of grief hit me in their own time and move through them as best I can. I don’t try to change what my heart is saying. I don’t try to convince myself that I’m not hurting or angry or upset. I think you’re trying to deal with all of this in a way you think is right.”
I lower my head, shameful for feeling the way I do when soft fingers find my cheek. His knuckles trail down my face and the same hand moves my hair behind my ear. Tingles are left in its wake and instinctively I bite my bottom lip. When I look up his eyes are soft and I see the smile in them as they trace my features. “I’m here for y
ou, however you need me, Stassi.” His voice is barely above a whisper and a part of me, a very depraved part wonders if he’s speaking quietly on purpose. As if he’s worried someone will hear him and take his words out of context. How else would I need him except for in a father figure type way? Is he offering something else?
Stop it, Stassi. We’ve talked about this.
I swallow hard, pushing the wicked thoughts back into that box labeled Daddy issues. It isn’t often that the carnal thoughts about my stepfather float through my mind, but every once in a while they spring up, setting my insides on fire and the space between my legs slick with desire. I’ve forced those thoughts out of my head and replaced them with what I believed to be hate. I told myself that I don’t like my stepfather. That he is overbearing and irritating, but really, he’s just overprotective and the only reason he irritates me is because I can’t have him.
“You swear you’ll be safe and call me if you need me to come earlier?” Dominic says as I go to open the car door after he pulls into Carter’s driveway. It’s nearing nine p.m. and I was supposed to be at his house an hour ago to help set up, also known as makeout in his room before the rest of our friends arrived. I wasn’t into the idea so I made up some shit about a headache which would also serve to get me out early. This is why I told Dominic the truth instead of saying I’d be at Kate’s which would allow me to be out for the whole night. I’m not in the mood to go to some party where I’ll be thwarting the attempts of both Carter and Kate to get him into my pants all night. But I’d agreed to go and I’m nothing if not a woman of my word, so I convinced Dominic that it will be a lowkey party and I let him drive me there and pick me up so that he won’t be worried.
“I swear, I’ll be fine. I go to parties all the time.”
The party looks far from lowkey and there’s skepticism in Dominic’s eyes, letting me know he’s not buying what I sold him. “Stass…” He looks at me and surprisingly down my legs to my feet. I’m not dressed in any way scandalous; just a black tank dress that falls to just above my knees under a burgundy leather jacket with sandals instead of my usual Vans. I straightened my hair, something I haven’t done in a while, and pulled the front of my hair up in a messy bun, while the rest falls around my shoulders. His eyes dart away from me to face front. “Just be careful, okay? You know I worry about you. I’m not completely oblivious as to what happens at these parties. You’ve just always been smart enough not to get wrapped up in that…at least I think.”
“I know, Dominic, and I appreciate that you always look out for me.” And much to my own surprise, I mean that. Usually, I’d be sarcastic or combative, but for the first time, I’m genuinely glad that I have someone like Dominic in my corner. I lean across the console and press my lips to his cheek on impulse. I’m going for just an innocent display of affection but it feels like anything but the second my lips touched his cheek. They tingle as my skin brushes against the stubble sitting along his hard jawline. His skin smells like he’d just washed his face before we left and the clean scent makes my insides practically melt. A part of me wants to taste that same skin, let my tongue dart out and feel the sharp bristles of his beard.
Shit.
I pull back quickly as if I’ve been burned, and the fiery redness in his cheeks makes me wonder if maybe I had. He’s still facing the road, and I’m not sure what it means that he won’t look at me, but I’m sure it’s all in my head. “Thank you,” I manage to get out, despite my racing heart and a slight shortness of breath. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to notice because he nods once without another word.
Beer and marijuana are the first things I smell when I walk through the front door. I look to the left to see the entire football team surrounding a long folding table littered with red solo cups as they play beer pong. A slew of girls surround them, tossing their hair and taking selfies, hoping that one of the guys will notice them. My guess is they are hoping that Carter will notice them.
Why doesn’t that thought bother me?
I spy Carter and note that he’s busy; I pray that he stays that way for the majority of the night. I move down the hallway to the kitchen and see Kate sitting on the counter, swinging her legs as she drinks what looks like a pink lemonade. “Stassiiiiiii,” she squeals as she hops off the counter and pushes through a crowd of people to get to me.
Definitely not just pink lemonade.
“About time you showed up!” She pushes the cup towards me and I shake my head vehemently.
“You know that is not my thing.” She rolls her eyes and grabs the bong sitting on the counter and hands it to me along with her pink lighter.
“Oh, come on, we finished high school! We are done, baby! College here we come!” She bounces up and down which draws all the attention to her breasts that are barely contained in a bright red tank top. She hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek. “Have you seen Carter yet? He’s been circling the door like a little puppy waiting for his owner to come home, I swear.”
“He’s on the beer pong table.”
“Oh, let’s go. He’s going to freak when he sees you. You look hot!” She spins me in a circle and smacks my ass. “Your ass looks great in this dress. How did you get here?” She’s talking at the speed of light and I know this means she’s had more than enough to drink so I try to coax the full cup from her hands.
“Nuh uh!” she shrieks as she swats my hand away.
“Kate, you’re drunk and it’s only nine-thirty.”
“So, what!? Brax and I are staying here tonight. You are too, right?” She takes a sip of her drink and I can see the mischief in her green eyes already.
“Actually…” I start.
“Wait, what? Stop. You’re staying. Where does Dominic think you are?”
I sigh and take a hit of the bong knowing that I’ll need to be high after I drop this bomb on Kate. “He dropped me off.”
“Stassia Rae! Why didn’t you tell him you were staying at my house?” she whines.
“Did you see how hot Carter looks tonight? I’m totally staying over.” The sound of Marissa Jaxon’s voice infiltrates the kitchen as her entourage follows behind her, hanging on her every word. Marissa is mainly popular because people fear her due to having dirt on essentially everyone at Lakewood High School. Well, that and her father has more money than God and is in the running for Governor. She is essentially Regina George from Mean Girls. I don’t pay her any mind because she mostly stays out of my way, but I can’t escape the feeling that her comments are strictly for my benefit, especially because of the smirk sitting on her overly-glossed lips.
“Fuck off, Jaxon,” Kate snarls. “You wish Carter paid you the time of day. Anyone with eyes can see he’s practically tripping over his dick to be with Stassi.”
I shrug nonchalantly. “Honestly, Marissa, you can have him. But let’s not pretend that part of your obsession with him isn’t that he wants me and not you.” I cross the room so that I’m in front of her. “You want him? Take him. But the only reason you can is because I am not interested in being more than friends.” I toss a lock over my shoulder and shoot her a wink. “Bye now.” I sashay out of the kitchen with an eye roll to the heavens. I’m barely a few steps out of the kitchen before a hand is wrapping around my wrist and I’m being hauled against a hard familiar chest.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” Lips find my cheek and move down my neck and I already know I’m not nearly high enough to entertain this.
“Hey, Carter.” I smile and push him off. “Do you have any weed? Kate doesn’t have any and I just took a hit out of someone’s bong that I don’t know.” I scrunch my nose. “You know I hate that.”
“Yeah, of course, babe. Anything for you. Come on.” He presses a light kiss to my lips and I follow him up the long stairwell to his bedroom. We are barely in his room before he has me pressed against the door and his lips moving down my throat as he locks the door behind us.
Great.
“You look like sex on legs in this dres
s. How are you this perfect?” His lips move lower and pepper kisses along my chest just as his fingers find my nipple and pinch slightly. “Fuck, I love this.” Most of the guys know now about my snap decision to get a nipple ring while Kate and I were in Ocean City, thanks to her huge mouth, but Carter knew from the beginning and he’d spent a lot of time exploring it with his mouth and his hands.
“I know.” I push him back again and move out of his grasp to lean against his desk in the corner of the room. I contemplated sitting on his bed, but I don’t want to send any signals that we’d be spending any time on it. “Where’s your bowl?”
He backs up a few steps and drops to his knees to grab something from under his bed. He retrieves a black box and pulls out his bowl and a small bag of weed. Thank God.
He packs it for me before handing it and the lighter to me. It takes two long hits but I start to feel a little better and less anxious than I’ve felt in a while.
“Can you sit? I’m not going to bite.”
I raise an eyebrow at him and raise my index finger to tap my chin. “You sure about that?”
“Not unless you want me to.” I don’t move and he sighs before lowering his head into his hands. “God, you make me work for it, don’t you?”
He’s not looking at me so I’m not sure how I should take his comment, but I assume he’s irritated that I don’t seem to be in the mood to give it up tonight. “Work for what, exactly?”
“You.”
Precisely. Carter is a good guy, so I’m surprised at the turn this is taking. Maybe he’s getting fed up with only being a sort of fuck buddy. But how is that my problem? I haven’t led him on. “I didn’t realize smoking me out was making you work for anything. I can ask Brax if it’s a problem, or any of the other guys on the team.” I don’t intend to come off bitchy, but I’m not about to let him think I owe him anything.