I had thought I had done a good job. I tried to do a good job.
It didn’t rate with dad.
He finished, going over spots that I already knew were clean.
I wanted to ask him if he loved Jenny. Because if he did then it would add a little more victory to my plan.
But I kept quiet until it was clean.
Then they put Rebecca in the backseat (after Jenny refused) and mom sat in the middle, while Kristen rode up front with the window cracked.
We left a bag of litter and vomit on the side of the road.
DAD:
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
And they say it’s only the first sip of beer that induces the endorphins in my brain. No other sip will taste as good. I don’t believe that. I’m going to stop at four, but I’ve earned them. I’ve earned every single beer and if Mandy wants to tell me I’ve had too much, then she can drive next time.
I’m not an alcoholic.
This is not whiskey.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Mandy said, as she smoothed out the ground before she set down a blanket. She must’ve picked up a dozen rocks trying to make it perfect. It was a waste of time. In two seconds, she’d sit down and try to get comfortable, but she wouldn’t be able to.
I’d waste a breath telling her that’s how the ground is supposed to feel.
“I’ve got a few more in the cooler,” I said. “They’ve all got my name on them.”
“It’s actually been nice. Even with the throw up incident. I think they’re finally getting it,” Mandy said. “We’re a family. Just like we always wanted to be.”
“We made it to the second day last time,” I said.
“Don’t spoil it, Ben.”
“That’s why I’m having a beer. It’s celebratory. And besides, no incident doesn’t mean I didn’t drive the four hours not anticipating one. I think it might be easier to get me to run into a burning building than to chance another drive with this lot. This is probably why my father smoked a pack anytime we were around.”
“Yeah, but then you won’t be around for when they have kids and we can really enjoy children. Kids are so much cooler when they’re not yours. That’s what my mother always reminds me, when she calls ours perfect little angels.”
“I wished you’d told me that ten years ago.”
Mandy knew I was joking, but she still put on her little show of shock just to see if I’d take her seriously.
Then she said, “You’re a good dad.”
“Then why do they all think that I hate them?”
Mandy manufactured the kind of laugh some chairman of the PTA had on standby, like I’d requested that students should be allowed to read Twain unedited. She said, “I spend a lot more time with them. They treat me like a laundry machine. You think I get any gratitude? You come home and give them a soda or say they can have pie when they didn’t eat their dinner. You’re they’re hero, Ben.”
“Except when you say, ‘tell your father what you did today.’ Do you know what fear looks like? I terrify them.”
“No. You don’t. They are just afraid of disappointing you. Don’t you remember what it was like to be a kid?”
“I do. And my father terrified me. I fell in love with my mother because for most of my teen years, she left my father out of it. He came home none the wiser that Charlie Norris and I’d been caught smoking cigarettes under the bleachers or that I got a speeding ticket one night trying to make curfew—after a date with you!”
Mandy laughed. “I remember that.”
“I just want them to be happy. I didn’t have a very…”
“I know,” she said. And I knew she didn’t want to hear any more about it. Hell, I don’t even know the last time I talked about it to anyone. It felt good to think that maybe I hadn’t even thought of it for some time. “But I think it’s working. They’re getting along great.”
“We make a good team though, you and I. Didn’t one of your books promise there’d be bickering and teasing.”
“Girls are vicious,” Mandy said. “We probably haven’t seen the worst of it yet.”
I downed that can. I crunched it for emphasis, and started on my second.
I thought I was done with hangovers. I’d drank more on so many other occasions, that I did not understand why my head felt like a bag of potatoes being shook out through a pepper shaker.
Then my tent rattled like a hubcap that spun off.
“Can we go now?” Devin asked.
I’d already heard his mother tell him to wait several times. But his eagerness to fish had managed to drown out my wife’s well intentioned warning.
“Devin, get back here. Eat your breakfast first! When your father is ready, he’ll…”
“But fish are early risers. So they can get the worm—right, dad?”
His voice echoed, or maybe he really did repeat his question several times. Might as well have been infinite the way I felt. What’s a hangover like in the Grand Canyon with a high school march band?
“Just a moment,” I said.
My back hurt. I didn’t clear out the ground beneath my sleeping bag like Mandy would’ve and slept with a root right in my drunk back. Probably felt great when I laid down. I think I remembered that nice warn drunkenness. Better than passing out in my pickup truck. That’d bring a sore back, neck, knees, and forehead, since I usually bounce my head off the steering wheel at some point.
I missed my bed.
I missed my shower.
All I could do right now is send them a post card promising to be back at the end of the week—unless something went wrong. Maybe it was the headache, but it felt like something bad was going to happen. Like I was just supposed to stay in my tent today.
I pushed open the tent flaps and bumped right into Devin. He fell on his butt.
“Sorry, little buddy,” I said.
“I’m a tough guy, dad. That didn’t hurt one bit.”
Kid hadn’t lost a spark. They should find a way to bottle his enthusiasm and put it in coffee.
“Do you have your fishing rod?”
Devin displayed it. He had mine in his other hand.
“Tackle boxes?”
“I already put them down by the river. I found a great spot. Just like you said.”
He took me to the same rock I sent him off to last year. There was a small spray where the water splashed against the rocks. It wasn’t a great spot. It was just where I told him to go—when I needed some peace. It was probably just the hangover, but looking back, I felt awful about it.
I didn’t hate him.
He wasn’t annoying so much as…
…I don’t know.
What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. One day, he’ll be a parent and maybe he’ll figure it out. But then he’ll also have it figured out that I love him. I don’t know what his sisters put in his head. But he’s got to man up. The world is different for guys. I know women like to claim inequality and complain about needing to be proper. But a man’s got to be tough or the world will eat him alive. Call him queer, pass him up for a promotion, or cheat on him with the neighbor.
Dev…He can’t be the way he is now.
He’s a momma’s boy, but in a good way. I know I can’t get mad at him for that. All he’s got to do is be decent. But he can’t be weak.
He can’t let them break him.
How in the world do you tell that to a kid?
“Alright, let me put your bait on,” Devin said. “Did you want live or one of the pretty ones?”
Sometimes I swear he said things just to make me shake my head.
“Start with live, that way the fish will spread the word that there’s good eating,” I said.
He hooked the worms like I had taught him. He had tucked in his lip like Mandy said that I always do. He’ll get there one day. I had to have faith in that. He’s not ready to start liking girls yet. It’ll come.
“Good job,” I said.
The lo
ok on his face broke me. Just a spilt second. Maybe I spooked him. Maybe that’s all it was. But he looked at me like he was shocked to hear me say that.
When did I become the monster?
“I love you, Dad,” he said.
“I…”
He cast his hook out too far. His line went down the river.
“Reel it in, quick,” I said.
He tried, but a piece of driftwood magically appeared, just in time to snag his line.
“Just cut it,” I said.
“I can do it.”
“I said cut it.” He wasn’t going to listen. I flipped open my pocket knife and grabbed his line.
He dropped his fishing rod before I could cut the line.
The river took it.
I said something. I said something awful, that’s all I would say. That’s what my stupid mind did without any good thought to rethink or rephrase it.
“You shit.”
Much to my surprise, Devin took it. He looked at me and his eyes burned.
“I had it just fine,” he said.
This was when he was supposed to turn and run to his mother. But he stood his ground.
“We’re done here,” I said.
“Yes, we are,” he said.
“Devin. You go to your mother right now and tell her what you did.”
“Yes, sir.”
He might as well have told me to screw myself. He shook his head, shrugged, and repeated the act all the way back up the bank and to the campsite. I wanted to swing my fishing rod at him. I could just whip him, just a couple of times.
No. I couldn’t be my father.
I wouldn’t be my father.
There was a scream inside me, primitive and violent. There was a rock I could punch, a tree, or I could just snap the rod. But I just stood there and seethed.
It was the hangover.
I wouldn’t have tried to cut the line if my patience wasn’t already gone. I would’ve had him do it. I would’ve taught him how to do it.
Mandy arrived on scene.
“Don’t even,” I said, and I shouldn’t have.
“What happened?”
“Didn’t he tell you?”
“He said you’re angry. That you…”
“I messed up,” I said.
“You didn’t have breakfast,” she said. “Some greasy bacon and eggs will help settle your stomach. There’s aspirin in the first aid kit.”
“I’m not a good dad. I’m just like him. I’m just like my father.”
“Ben,” she said.
“Don’t. You were right not to name him Benjamin. What an awful name. We are all awful. All six of us,” I said. “He’s a sweet boy. He’s going to be better than me. He’s going to get it all right. And he’s never going to forgive me.”
“Ben, why don’t you go blow off some steam. I’ll take the girls for another nature walk.”
“I’m screwing it up this time.”
“We’ll head upstream, and come back around lunch time. Maybe you can get the burgers and dogs ready.”
“Are you listening to me?”
“I am, Ben. You just need to calm down. Devin is fine. He’s not crying, he’s not scared. He came to me and told me that you sent him away because you were mad.”
“I’m the monster,” I said.
“You’ll feel better once you eat something. I’ll buy you some time.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I felt like I told her that I loved her. I didn’t and I felt like I let the moment pass. But I lost the ability to speak when I saw Kristen standing there behind Mandy. That’s when I realized that Kristen had heard everything.
KRISTEN:
I had to stop Devin.
Seconds ago, I passed him.
He told me what happened. The plan was in action. He told me to get ready then he started to provoke Jenny. I was supposed to keep our parents busy. I followed my mother and saw my father.
He didn’t hate Devin. He really didn’t.
He was so sad.
We couldn’t go through with the plan. Not today. I don’t know what would happen if anything went wrong—or if we succeeded. Something wasn’t right with my father. He’d kill Devin if the plan worked.
I just felt it.
My mother always said, ‘Smile at everyone because you don’t know what kind of day they are having. Sometimes a smile is all the difference in the world.’
Devin wasn’t going to smile at my father.
It was the ultimate frown.
I helped him plan it.
Rebecca and Jenny had been collecting shells and rocks up river. They’d stopped after a quick nature hike with my mother to start the morning. I wasn’t going to stick around and end up ruining the plan by starting a fight too early. I trailed my mother back to camp. That’s when I saw Devin and he gave me the signal that it was on. I was supposed to interject into my parents’ conversation with my father, keep them busy. But then I heard what they were talking about.
Devin, how could he have known?
Even my father wasn’t sure how to tell his son that he loved him. That was men. They aren’t supposed to have feelings—which makes so little sense. Feelings are everything.
I ran back up stream, but the argument had already started.
It was going according to plan.
Jenny picked up a handful of dirt and rocks and threw them at Devin.
I called to them.
My mind split into past, present, and future. All my thoughts collided.
“If we do this, Mom and Dad will hate us forever,” I said. “They don’t understand that Jenny is a jerk.”
“Dad already hates me,” Devin said. “I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you. You were always nice to me. You looked out for me better than the people who are supposed to be my parents. It doesn’t matter what happens to me. I’m already dead.”
“Stop!” I yelled. “Devin! Wait!”
He was only three years old when Jenny made him drink gasoline. She then ran and told my mom that he was drinking gasoline. My mother spanked Devin. He couldn’t string together the words to tell her that Jenny had pulled his hair until he swallowed. That she held the can, and forced the nozzle down his throat.
That was all that saved him.
My mother arrived to vomit.
Otherwise he would’ve been dead, and Jenny would’ve gotten away with it. Just like everything else she ever did.
“You’re evil!” Devin screamed.
Jenny laughed. She yelled at Rebecca, “Go get your parents,”
Rebecca saw me. She didn’t obey Jenny. She charged at me. “You leave Jenny alone!”
She tried to tackle me, but I was bigger, and stronger. I sprawled out, so that my chest lay on top of her back. She was feistier than I gave her credit. Her nails dug into my arms. I flattened her against the ground.
“Devin did it,” Rebecca said.
“How? Devin wasn’t even home?” my father said.
“I don’t know. But he did.”
“Are you telling us the truth?”
“Of course she is,” my mother said. “Why would she lie?”
“Devvvvinnnnnn!”
“Devin! Stop!” Rebecca wouldn’t let go of me. I tried to shake her off, but she clawed and climbed around my back. We wrestled into the ground. I screamed. Hoping my parents would hear us and come to scold us.
I screamed again and again.
They didn’t come.
They wouldn’t come.
I shucked Rebecca off my back. “Go tell mom and dad to hurry,” I said.
Rebecca bit at me, but missed.
“Tell them. We have to stop fighting!”
“You’re not my mom. I’ll kill you,” Rebecca said.
“I’m not. I know. Just please listen to me!”
She charged again.
I kicked my sandal off, it missed her head. The one from my left foot did not.
“I’m telling!”
Fina
lly.
Rebecca took off towards my parents.
My bare feet pained me as I dashed off towards Devin and Jenny.
Devin drove Jenny out onto the rocks. She had been so proud last year about her ability to jump from one to the next. We had planned to take advantage of that.
I woke while everyone slept.
Night is scary out in the woods. The rush of the river hid the sound of the creatures that seemed to watch my every move. But the only eyes I was worried about were those of my parents and siblings.
It had taken forever for everyone to go to sleep. My father drank almost all night, and then he stumbled off into the woods, for the longest piss I’d ever heard, before he finally went in the tent with my mother. His snoring was my alarm clock.
The moonlight was strong enough to guide my way. It was brighter than I could ever imagine. It was as if it even picked out the very rock in the middle of the river that I needed to get to. It made the water around it sparkle.
I leapt from each rock, as capable as Jenny was last year, and here I was two whole years younger. She just liked to show off in front of our parents. She always had to prove she was better than us.
She’d have a hard time after tomorrow.
I used the can of WD-40, and sprayed down the rock. I used the whole can.
“Listen to me. Both of you stop.”
“Wow, who died and made you mom?” Jenny asked.
“Devin, call it off.”
“Call what off,” Jenny asked. She was three rocks out into the river. She started to smirk as she must’ve realized we’d concocted some trick.
Devin hopped out to the first one. “Go back to mom and dad,” he said. “Go now!”
“I won’t let you do it, Devin.”
“What? Why not?” Jenny asked. “Is he going to try to kill me?”
Devin’s face answered. He had every intention of it. We’d had every intention of it.
“Devin. Trust me. Just leave her alone.”
“You all did really want to kill me, didn’t you?”
“You’re a jerk!” I screamed. “To all of us, all the time. You’re supposed to be our big sister, but you’re not.”
This One is Deadly Page 4