by Emma Miller
“Who was that man you were talking to? If it was another tramp, there’s a piece of pie in the kitchen.” Mam’s voice drifted to her from the other side of the clothesline, where she was hanging the girls’ dresses.
“He wasn’t looking for food. He wanted to talk to Dat.” Ellie glanced at the barn, glad for Dat’s ease when it came to talking to outsiders. “There was something strange about him. He was wearing Englisch clothes, but he spoke Deitsch.”
Mam’s voice was calm, as if she heard Englischers speaking their language all the time. “Maybe he has some Amish friends and learned the language from them. Did he want to buy the gelding Dat has for sale?”
“What would he want with a horse?”
“I expect an Englischer might want a horse once in a while.” Mam pulled another dress out of the basket at her feet. “When I see them tear along the roads in those automobiles, I wonder why anyone would hurry that fast just to end up in a ditch.”
“Lovina’s neighbor only did that once.”
“Once is enough, isn’t it?” Mam pulled the loaded clothesline lower to look at Ellie. “A person can be in too much of a hurry at times. When do you have time to pray, or even think?”
“For sure, I’m glad the church decided to keep them verboten. Not only are they noisy, but they smell terrible. Next thing you know, all the Englisch will be buying them.”
“Ach, not until these hard times are over.”
Ellie sighed as she pinned one of her brother’s shirts on the line. Would these hard times ever be over?
“I like automobiles.” Susan’s voice was soft, hesitant.
Ellie looked down at her young daughter. Automobiles? What would she say next?
“Why do you say that?” Ellie shook out the next shirt with a snap.
Susan leaned closer to Ellie from where she squatted next to one-year-old Danny in the grass under the clothesline, her brown eyes wide in her heart-shaped face. “Because they aren’t horses.” Her words were a whisper as she glanced toward the Belgians waiting to be hitched to the manure spreader.
Ellie pushed the clothespins down firmly. When would Susan get over this fear? Daniel’s accident had changed everything.
At this thought, Ellie paused, grasping at the line to control the sudden shaking of her hands. Her mind filled again with the horses’ grunting whinnies, the stomping hooves, the smell of fear and blood, Daniel trapped against the barn wall and then falling under those huge hooves... Ellie’s stomach churned. That day had left an impression in Susan’s mind that affected her even now, months later. It still affected all of them.
Ellie shook her head to brush away the memories and shoved the final clothespin onto the last shirt. What was done was done. She might wish things were different, but her husband was dead. That was a truth she faced every day. She refused to succumb to the stifling blanket of grief that pushed at the edge of her mind, tempting her to sink into its seductive folds.
“All done, Mam. Do you want me to help take the clothes in this afternoon?”
“Ne, don’t bother. I’ll have the girls tend to it when they get home from school.”
“Come, sweeties.” Ellie lifted Danny in her arms while Susan hopped on one foot next to her. “Time to get our dinner started.”
Ellie crossed the drive to the worn path between the barn and the vegetable garden that led to the Dawdi Haus. The house her grandparents had lived in when she was a child had sheltered her little family during the months since Daniel’s death. Susan ran ahead of her along the lane, her earlier fright forgotten.
“Plan on eating supper with us tonight,” Mam called after her. “I’m fixing a chicken casserole, and there’s plenty for all.”
“Ja, for sure,” Ellie called back, then turned her attention to Danny, who was squirming to get out of her arms. “Sit still there, young man.” She laughed at the determined expression on his face as she followed Susan.
Ellie watched the little girl skipping ahead, but her mind was full of a queer anticipation. It was as if her birthday was coming or the wild freshness of the first warm air of spring, pushing back the dark clouds of winter....
That Englischer’s grin, that was what brought this on. It did something to her, and she frowned at this thought. It didn’t matter what an Englischer did, no matter how blue his eyes were.
That grin held a secret. What was he thinking when he looked at her?
She hitched Danny up as the thought of what might have been going through his head came to her. Ach, why did an Englischer’s wicked-looking grin give her such a delicious feeling at the memory of it?
Dat and the stranger stood on the threshing floor between the open barn doors, where the fresh air and light were plentiful, but Ellie kept her eyes on the edge of the garden as she hurried to follow Susan. If she glanced their way, would she see that dimple flash as he grinned at her again?
She had to stop thinking about him. He would talk to Dat and then be gone, and she’d never see him again, for sure.
In the backyard of the Dawdi Haus, Ellie paused to pass her hand along a pair of her oldest son’s trousers. Dry already. She’d bring in the laundry before fixing the children’s dinner. After she put the little ones down for their naps, she could iron in the quiet time before Johnny, her scholar, came home. She smiled, anticipating the quiet hour or so in the shaded house, alone with her thoughts.
Opening the screen door for Susan, Ellie chanced a look at the big white barn behind her. Ja, he was still there, talking with Dat. She followed Susan into the house, letting the door close behind them with a ringing slam.
* * *
Bram glanced at the man next to him. John Stoltzfus was stern, yet quiet and confident. More like the grossdatti he barely remembered than the father he had left behind so many years ago. From the clean, ordered barn to the little girl skipping along the lane at the bottom of the ramp, the Stoltzfus farm was a world away from the home he had remembered growing up.
And a world away from Chicago. In the three days since he’d stepped out of his life in the city and walked back into his past, those twelve years had slipped away until even the stench of the West Side was a half-remembered dream. Was he losing his edge already? It was too easy to fall into this simple, Plain life.
Bram’s thoughts followed the young woman in the brown dress as she walked past the barn toward the Dawdi Haus. When she ran her hand along the boy’s trousers on the clothesline, a door opened into a long-forgotten place in his mind. That simple, feminine action spoke of the home he had tried to forget. How many times had he seen his Mam do that same thing?
The breeze brought the scent of freshly plowed fields into the barn as the young woman opened the door of the Dawdi Haus and then glanced his way, meeting his eyes before disappearing with an echoing slap of the wooden screen door. Why did she live there? And why were there no men’s clothes hanging with the laundry?
Movement next to him drew his attention.
“So you’re coming home?”
John’s unspoken finally lingered at the end of the question, hinting at the speculation Bram knew he would be facing as word of his return spread. He could imagine the stir his disappearance had caused, even here in Eden Township.
“Ja, I’m coming home.” How much information would get him the entrance into this community that he needed without divulging too much? “When I left, I was young and I thought I could always come back, but time got away from me....” Bram sighed and stared across the road at the rich brown corduroy of soil. A flock of blackbirds scattered through the field, picking at exposed seed.
What would his life be like if he had never left? What did he have now, other than lost time and poor choices?
“You left before you joined the church?”
“Ja, I was in my Rumspringa.” A Rumspringa that had never ended. Onc
e he’d left home, Bram had never intended to return.
“What were you looking for out there?”
He glanced back at the older man’s expectant face. From what his brother-in-law, Matthew, had said, John was one of the leaders in this district. Bram needed his support if he would ever be accepted into the community, but it wouldn’t be easy. The Amish kept tight fences.
“I’m not sure now. Maybe excitement, freedom. I never found it, though.” He cast his glance to the side, away from John, as if he was repentant and ashamed. No, he didn’t need to do much acting to slip into this role. “I’m ready to come home.”
Bram steadied his expression and looked back at the older man’s face. He had said it the right way—John Stoltzfus believed him—but Bram didn’t know if he’d ever be ready to come home. He wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for Killer Kavanaugh and the contract the gangster had put out on him.
“The Ordnung can be hard to live up to.” Bram heard a warning note in John’s voice.
“Not as hard as the way I’ve been living.” The memory of Chicago’s dirty streets clashed against the reality of the fresh spring air outside the big barn door. Yeah, life in Chicago had been dangerous, exciting, risky—and always hard. At least with the Ordnung, a man knew where he stood.
“What does your brother think?”
Samuel. Their father’s living legacy. His brief stop at the family farm near Shipshewana earlier in the week had let him know what Samuel thought. Where Dat had been cruel, Samuel was petty, but that had been the only difference. From the belligerent set of his chin to his bleary eyes, Samuel was Dat all over again.
“Ja, well, Samuel doesn’t believe I’m back to stay.”
“You can understand that. You left a long time ago, and much has happened since then.”
Twelve years. Yes, a lot had happened, both here and in Chicago. Bram’s stomach clenched. He had to make this work....
He forced his voice to remain quiet, in control. “I hope that with time he’ll see I mean what I say.” But he wouldn’t give Samuel the chance. He could go the rest of his life without seeing his brother again.
“With time,” John agreed with a nod. He turned to look back into the shaded interior of the barn, where the horse was tied to a post, the subject closed for now. Bram moved his shoulders against the strain that had crept in without his knowing.
“Partner here should be a good horse for you. He’s a little spirited, but he drives well. My daughter Ellie usually chooses him if she’s going out, and she won’t put up with a horse that won’t mind her. She won’t take any chances with the children in the buggy.”
“Is she the daughter who just went into the Dawdi Haus?”
“Ja. She and the children have been living there since her husband died.”
So the young woman was a widow? Bram tucked that information away as John lifted each of the gelding’s hooves for his inspection. The horse twitched his ears but stood quietly during the process. Bram held out a carrot nub John gave him, and the horse took it, eyeing the stranger as he munched the treat.
“I haven’t dealt with horses much the last few years, but he seems to take to me.”
“He’s a good horse.”
“Your price sounds fair.” Bram pulled his money clip out of his pocket and peeled off a few bills. “Is it all right if I pick him up on Tuesday? I ordered a buggy from Levi Miller’s, and it should be ready to pick up that afternoon.”
“Ja, for sure.” John took the money and shook Bram’s hand. “I’ll be looking for you on Tuesday.”
* * *
Cool air washed over Ellie as she and the children went into the shaded kitchen. She shifted Danny on her hip, ready to put the heavy load down.
“Can we play with Noah’s Ark?” Susan’s favorite toy was a new discovery for Danny.
“Ja, that will be good. Why don’t you set it up in the front room while I change Danny’s diaper?”
Ellie took the baby into the bedroom Danny and Susan shared. She used the second bedroom, while Johnny slept on the sofa in the front room. The little house had seemed like such a refuge when they had moved in, but they were quickly outgrowing it. Dat had offered to add on another bedroom, but Ellie was reluctant to take that step. It seemed so permanent.
She would be moving back to Daniel’s farm as soon as she was able to support herself and the children. The farm belonged to her now. It was the children’s legacy from their father and his dreams for their future. When she was ready to make the move, then she would tell Mam and Dat. No use crossing that bridge yet.
Once clean and dry, Danny was anxious to get into the front room to play with Susan. Ellie put him down on the floor while she took care of the diaper and watched him make his way into the next room, doing his own one-foot-one-knee scooting crawl.
“Ne, Danny!” Hearing Susan’s cry, Ellie stepped through the doorway to see Danny plowing his way through his sister’s carefully set up animal pairs, making a beeline for the cows.
“Just set them up again, Susan. You know he’s not doing it on purpose.”
Ellie picked the marauder up and set him down on his bottom next to the pair of black-and-white cows. He took one in each hand and stuck a cow head into his mouth. He looked up at Ellie with contented adoration on his face, drool dripping down his chin. She couldn’t help caressing his soft hair.
“I think we’ll have to ask Dawdi Hezekiah to make another set of cows.”
“Ne, Memmi, Danny can play with those. I still have the brown ones.”
Ellie gave Susan a smile. The little girl forgave quickly when it came to Danny. Between the two of them, he was nearly spoiled.
Standing up again sent a twinge through Ellie’s back, reminding her of how much work she had done already that morning. She leaned back a bit to ease the strain and caught a glimpse of the strawberry field through the window. She stepped closer to the glass, drinking in the sight of the rows of green leaves nestled in the soil.
Rows of green promising the fulfillment of Daniel’s dreams for their children—a home, a future. Giving them what he wanted was the least she could do. She owed him that much.
Ellie rubbed her arms, brushing away the sudden chill that brought goose bumps, and stepped away from the window. Susan chattered to Danny as she walked the wooden animals up the ramp and through the door of the ark. How would she know when she had given the children enough to make up for what she had done?
Brushing the thought aside, she crossed the room to the kitchen. “Susan, I’m going to bring the clothes in. Call me if you or Danny need anything, ja?”
“Ja, Memmi. I will.”
Picking up the empty basket from the back porch, Ellie started with Johnny’s shirts, dropping the clothespins into the basket as she folded each shirt. When she reached for Susan’s blue dress, the stranger stepped up next to her and took the dress from the line, handing it to her as he dropped the pins with the others.
“I thought I’d check on your little girl before I left.”
Ellie froze with the dress in her hands. What was he doing? Asking for Dat was one thing, but to speak to her in this way?
“She...she’s fine. She’s just fine.” Ellie concentrated on folding the dress and took Johnny’s trousers from the Englischer as he dropped more clothespins into the basket. The sleeve of his jacket was gray, with threads of yellow that matched his necktie and the handkerchief in his breast pocket. No one dressed that fancy, not even the Englischers in town. Who was he?
“I found your Dat in the barn, just like you said. The horse will be perfect for me. John said you’ve driven him quite a bit.”
“Ja, I take him when I need to run errands or go visiting.” Why didn’t he just go? What if Mam saw an Englischer talking with her?
“My name is Bram. Bram Lapp. And you’r
e Ellie, right?”
Ellie glanced at his face. Ja, that grin was there, making a dimple show on his cheek. Ach, what a mess! How could she get him to leave and still be polite?
“Ja, that’s right.” Her cheeks were flaming hot under his gaze.
“I’m staying with Matthew and Annie Beachey until I find a farm to buy. Annie’s my sister.”
Ellie stared at him. “Your sister? But you’re...” How could he be Annie’s brother? She wasn’t Englisch.
His grin widened. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?” He turned away and stepped to the next line to start on the many diapers.
Ellie couldn’t pull her eyes away from him, her cheeks burning. How forward could one man be? He ignored her as he pulled the pins off the line and bunched the diapers in his hand. When the line was empty, he dropped the diapers into the basket on top of the clothes.
“I’m glad your little girl is all right.” He picked up the basket and started toward the house. He wouldn’t just walk inside, would he?
“I can take that.” Ellie hurried after him and reached for the basket. He let her grasp the sides as he paused at the porch steps, but he held on until she looked up at him.
“Will I see you again? I’ll be around, you know.” His dimple deepened, and she pulled the basket out of his hands. Didn’t he understand how rude and forward he was being?
“Denki for carrying the basket, but ne, I don’t think you’ll be seeing me again.”
She left him and went into the house, closing the solid wood door behind her, shutting him out. Leaning her back against the door, Ellie listened. Would he be so bold as to follow her onto the porch?
Setting the basket on the floor, she stepped to the sink and looked out the window. There he was, walking past the barn toward the road, his hat tilted on the back of his head and his hands in his pockets.
Annie Beachey’s brother? Ellie squinted her eyes. Ja, perhaps if he wore Plain clothes and a straw hat instead of the gray felt one with the yellow band...
Ne. She shook her head and turned to pull a loaf out of the bread box. He was just too Englisch. For sure, the clothes made him Englisch on the outside, but no Amishman would be so bold with a woman! He was Englisch through and through.