by Emma Miller
“Ellie, I’m so glad you could come!”
Ellie smiled in spite of her churning stomach. Who could resist Annie’s contagious happiness? Although how she could be so merry when she must be uncomfortable with the growing baby most of the time was beyond her.
Annie took her bonnet to the back bedroom, and Ellie stepped farther into the kitchen. Sally, her younger sister, came over and took Danny from her arms.
“I’ve missed this little man.”
Sally’s easy confidence was just the balm Ellie’s nerves needed. This might be a fun outing after all.
“Well, if you hadn’t married last fall, you could have been cuddling him all winter.”
Sally looked up from nuzzling Danny’s neck. “Ach, sister. Then I wouldn’t be looking forward to my own boppli, would I?” Sally turned to Susan. “The other children are playing out in the yard with Dorothy Ann.”
“She’ll join them soon, I’m sure.” Ellie patted Susan’s back, knowing these few minutes of shyness would soon be over.
Sally leaned closer to Ellie, lowering her voice. “I saw the way Levi Zook kept watching you a week ago at Meeting. I think he’s still sweet on you.”
Ellie’s face grew warm with embarrassment. Did everyone know about his attentions to her? “I’ve told Levi we’re not suited for each other. I don’t know why he’s so persistent.”
“I do,” said Lovina as she joined Sally and Ellie. “I heard his sister from Middlebury wants him to send his younger girls to live with her, and he’s desperate to find a new wife so he can keep his family together.”
“Ja, well, I can understand why he wants a new wife, but it’s not going to be me.” Ellie turned to greet Lovina with a smile. “We’ll be sewing for your little one next.” She nodded at Lovina’s expanding waist.
As Sally and Lovina started chatting about morning-sickness remedies, Ellie stepped back, feeling the wall that had risen between them. She and her sisters had been inseparable as girls, and her marriage hadn’t lessened that close bond. Not until the past couple years.
Now that she was a widow, and they had their husbands... She crossed her arms in front of her, hiding her slim form. She could have been expecting another baby, too, if—well, if things had been different.
Ne, she had to stop thinking this way. Things were what they were, and it was Gott’s will. A faithful, obedient woman accepted Gott’s will, didn’t she?
And if it was Gott’s will that she accept Levi Zook as her new husband? Ellie suppressed a shudder. She still believed two people should love each other if they married, and as kind and faithful as Levi was, she didn’t love him.
Ellie followed some of the other women as they moved toward the front room of the house, where Annie had arranged things for the frolic. A table was set up for cutting material, with several lengths of muslin and flannel ready to be cut into the pieces they would sew into gowns and diapers for the new baby. The room was arranged with chairs in a circle for sewing and visiting. Before long, the four women who had taken the job of cutting the material had pieces ready for sewing, and the rest of the women settled in with their needles and thread.
When Susan went off with the other children, Ellie chose a chair near her sisters, where Danny was still happy on Sally’s lap. Taking the next available diaper, one of many they would be making today, she started in on the simple hem. Over the hum of conversation, she heard Bram’s name mentioned.
“What did you say his name is?” Minnie Garber asked Annie.
“Bram—short for Abram. He’s my brother who is staying with us for a time.”
What did Annie think of her Englisch brother? Ellie hated the thought of one of her brothers jumping the fence, leaving their family and their ways behind. How would she treat them if they had left and then wanted to return?
“I didn’t know you had another brother,” Minnie went on. That woman was never shy when it came to gossip.
“Bram has been gone for quite a few years—”
“Gone?” Minnie interrupted. The rest of the room quieted as the other women listened to their conversation.
“Ja.” Annie stopped and looked around the room of women waiting to hear what she had to say. “He left home twelve years ago but came back recently. He just bought a farm and will be settling here.”
“Twelve years?” Minnie’s voice was incredulous. “Where was he all that time? Did he live in Ohio? Pennsylvania?”
“Um, ne.”
Ellie’s heart went out to Annie. It was obvious that she wasn’t interested in gossiping about her brother.
“He was in Chicago,” Annie finally said. Her words were met with silence.
“Chicago?” Minnie sounded stunned.
“Ja, but he’s home now and wants to be part of our community.” Annie looked from one face to another. Most of the women stared at the sewing in their hands, but Mam smiled at Annie, encouraging her.
Then Minnie voiced what Ellie had been thinking.
“Won’t he have trouble giving up his Englisch ways after all this time?”
“He’s shedding himself of them as quickly as he can.” Annie sounded relieved, as if she was happy to give Minnie an acceptable answer. “When I finished his new clothes yesterday, he wouldn’t rest until he had put them on.”
“And you say he bought a farm?”
“Ja, the Jackson place on Emma Road. He spent all Tuesday afternoon and yesterday tearing out the telephone lines. He’s planning to move there next week.”
One of Minnie’s daughters joined in the conversation from the other side of the circle.
“So all he needs now is a buggy and a wife!”
Good-natured laughter followed her comment, and the conversation shifted to the coming wedding of Minnie’s third daughter. Ellie concentrated on finishing the hem on the diaper, letting the conversation flow around her.
Bram was turning the Jackson place into an Amish farm? Could she have been so wrong about him? From what Annie said, he did mean to give up all his Englisch ways. If that was true, then Dat had been right all along.
Could Minnie’s daughter have been right, too, that he was looking for a wife?
She pricked her finger with the needle, and the pain brought a start of tears to her eyes.
If he was, he wouldn’t have any problems finding one. He was no Levi Zook.
But it for sure wasn’t going to be her. No man was going to take her Daniel’s place.
Chapter Six
“It was a robin. I know it was,” said Susan. She nodded to emphasize her certainty.
“It wasn’t a robin—it was a blackbird.” Johnny’s retort was tinged with disdain.
“He had red on him.”
“It was a red-winged blackbird. Robins have red breasts, not red shoulders.”
Ellie touched Johnny’s knee to quiet him before the argument gained strength. She should reprimand them, but on Sunday mornings she just wanted quiet.
The buggy swayed in rhythm to Brownie’s trotting hooves. It wasn’t as crowded now that Reuben was old enough for his own buggy. Dat had agreed he could drive it to Welcome Yoder’s for church, and now the two boys were ahead of them on the road, Reuben driving at the same sedate pace. Soon he’d be courting, if he wasn’t already, and next Benjamin. At least Mandy and Rebecca were still at home.
Ellie listened to her sisters’ chatter. She had been the same way with Sally and Lovina once, their three heads together, sharing their secrets, their dreams. Mandy and Rebecca would have the same sweet girlhood memories.
“There’s another robin!”
Johnny looked where Susan pointed. “Ne, that one’s a blue jay. See how big he is? And his blue feathers?”
Susan didn’t argue, but kept her eyes on the side of the road.
Ellie’s thoughts went back to Mandy and Rebecca. She’d had that same anticipation when she was their age. Riding to church was an adventure, with Lovina giggling about the boys they would see and Sally bouncing with anticipation of seeing her best friend again. She had looked forward to the singing, even the long sermons, and the fellowship. What had changed?
She never had the urge to kick against the restraints of the church that some people talked about. The Ordnung was safe. It provided security against the changing world. Even when her friends tried living outside the protective fence of the Ordnung during their Rumspringa, Ellie never saw the lure. She knew where she belonged.
Bram Lapp had left the community once.... What would it be like to leave her loved ones behind, to take the children somewhere and start fresh where no one knew her? The thought pressed against her heart, stopping her breath. It would be like dying. Ne, she could never leave her home, her family.
Dat turned south at the corner, and Ellie closed her eyes against the morning sun hitting her face.
She must work through this emptiness somehow. Church for her meant nothing more than a long day with a headache. The children needed tending, and every week it was harder to keep them still during the meeting. The hymns were so long, the prayers drawn out. There had been a time when the singing was her favorite part of a Sunday. Now she just waited for it to be over.
“Is that one a robin?”
“Ja, see his red breast?”
Ellie gave herself a mental shake. Her children needed her. A pasted-on smile was better than none, and a kind word to a friend could help lift her spirits. But how many more church Sundays were going to pass before the smile became genuine again?
Dat turned the buggy into the driveway of the Yoders’ farm, joining a line of other buggies. When they approached the sidewalk leading to the house, Ellie saw the buggy in front of Reuben’s stop. Matthew Beachey jumped down, then reached back to help Annie. He walked with her to the lines of people waiting to go into the house while their buggy drove on.
Bram must be driving the buggy. What would she say to him? She had been so rude on Thursday at the work frolic.
Polite. She could be polite and hope he would forgive her rudeness.
Ellie joined the line of women in the front yard. She returned the smiles of several, exchanging the brief hug and brush of the lips on the cheek that was the kiss of peace. The group was quiet other than occasional murmured greetings. The time for visiting and fellowship would come later.
* * *
Bram couldn’t keep his eyes up front. Church hadn’t changed in twelve years. Even here in Eden Township, the sermons were the same High German as in Shipshewana—difficult to follow and meaningless. He tried to listen to the first sermon, but he lost the minister’s point and found his mind wandering, just as it had always done. He concentrated on looking alert and interested while all the time his thoughts were elsewhere.
This morning he couldn’t keep his mind off Ellie. Glancing her way, he saw the distracted look, the line between her eyes. His years undercover had taught him to read people, and that line was a telltale sign she had a headache. A young boy sat quietly between her and Elizabeth, and Ellie kept Susan busy playing with a handkerchief baby while the littlest boy slept on her lap.
That one strand of Ellie’s hair wouldn’t stay tucked in her kapp, and Bram tried not to stare. The minister’s voice droned on, forgotten. Each time he glanced at her, the strand was looser, until it was a curling mist circling her ear. Every movement of her head caused it to droop a little farther. How far would she let it go before she reached up to tuck it in? What would it feel like if he tucked it in for her? Would the soft, silky strand catch on his newly calloused fingers, or would it glide through his hand like smooth water?
She looked up and caught his eyes, holding them for a brief second before she turned to the front again. A red glow started at her neck and traveled up. Bram ducked his head to the floor and smiled. She wasn’t immune to him, either.
* * *
When Dat stood to preach the main sermon of the morning, Ellie shifted Danny’s weight to her other arm. He was a heavy load as he slept on her lap.
“Memmi, are we almost done?” Susan’s whisper carried to the women around them.
Ellie lifted her finger to her lips to remind Susan to be quiet, then leaned down to whisper in her ear, “Almost.”
Dat stood with his head bowed. His silent prayer before the sermon was always longer than any other minister’s. Dat claimed it was to clear his head and discern the Spirit’s leading, and maybe it was. All she knew was that it made the sermon last far longer than her back could bear.
Her head pounded. There—Bram was looking at her again. She turned her head to avoid his gaze, but she could still see him out of the corner of her eye. When would this service be over?
“The passage for today’s sermon is from Hebrews, the twelfth chapter, the first three verses.” Dat’s voice broke into her thoughts.
Ellie tuned the familiar verses out. The women on the other side of Mam sat with rapt attention, listening to Dat as if hearing the reading for the first time.
Dat’s voice broke through her thoughts as he started in on his sermon.
“We must take Jesus Christ himself as our example, as the apostle Paul exhorts us in Philippians: ‘Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.’”
Of course Jesus Christ should be her example. His humility and sinless life had been held up to her as the goal of every Christian ever since she could remember, but with this thought Ellie shifted. It was her pride that had brought her to this place in her life. She could blame no one but herself.
“Jesus Christ didn’t dwell on the trials of his present day. He looked forward to the joy that was set before Him—the joy of His eternal place at the right hand of the throne of Gott.”
Not dwell on her present trials when they dragged her down on every side? What was Dat trying to say?
“So lay aside the sin, the weight of your sin, that you may run the race set before you. Look forward with joy, and trust Gott for the reward He has set before you.”
This startled Ellie so much that she missed the rest of the sermon. Trust Him? The Gott who took her Daniel? And look forward to what with joy? A life alone, seeking to fulfill Daniel’s dreams? She rubbed the spot between her eyebrows where the headache was centered. She could see no joy set before her.
Ellie glanced over to the men’s side of the room, where Bram was listening to the sermon instead of trying to catch her eye for once. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees as his gaze fastened on Dat. What was he learning from this sermon?
Eli Schrock’s testimony followed Dat’s sermon, reaffirming everything that had been said, and then he added his own final comment. “You young folk, especially, trust Gott’s leading in your life. Follow Him as a sheep follows a shepherd, and then you can hope that He will bring you into His glory.”
Follow Gott? How could she follow Gott when His voice was silent?
The congregation standing for the hymn of dismissal startled Ellie. She had been so caught in her own thoughts that she had missed the closing prayer.
The headache pressed down.
She shifted Danny again to stand with the others, but she didn’t sing. She couldn’t. She leaned her cheek against Danny’s soft hair.
Ach, Gott. She kissed Danny’s head, swallowing back the tears that wanted to fall. Ach, Gott, help me. I can’t bear this any longer.
* * *
All through dinner, Bram watched for Ellie among the other women who were serving, but with no luck. He finished his ham sandwich and potato salad, then went to wait under an oak tree while the women cleared the tables.
A group of older boys gathered in the front pasture across the farm lane, a few of them with baseb
all bats. This was one Sunday afternoon tradition he remembered well.
“Bram, it’s good to see you today.”
He turned to see John Stoltzfus walking toward him. Bram shook his hand.
“Denki, it’s good to see you, too.”
“How are things going?”
“Coming along.” Bram nodded. “The farm is nearly ready for me to move onto it. I pick up my buggy on Tuesday afternoon. I’ll be over before then to get the gelding.”
John waved his hand in the air, dismissing all that Bram had said.
“I mean the rest of your life. You’re still getting on well with your brother-in-law?”
Bram glanced over at Matthew as he stood with a group of other men. Matthew’s wiry build made him look as if he’d fit in with the cowboys Bram had seen around the stockyards in Chicago better than in this community of Amish farmers.
“Ja, I’m glad Annie married such a good man.”
“What about your brother? Have you seen him again?”
He wouldn’t have anything to do with Samuel if he could help it, but John wouldn’t understand any more than Matthew had.
“I’ll leave that up to Samuel. He knows where I am if he wants to see me.”
A young boy wandered up to John and leaned against his leg, glancing up at Bram, his brown eyes looking so much like Susan’s that Bram placed him right away. It was the boy who had been sitting with Ellie during church.
“Bram, this is my grandson Johnny.”
“Hi, Johnny,” Bram said. The boy stuck close to his grandfather and eyed Bram doubtfully.
“Johnny...” Bram could hear the gentle rebuke in John’s voice.
“Hello.” The boy gave his grandfather’s leg a quick hug and then wandered to the edge of the pasture to watch the older boys.
“Johnny is Ellie’s oldest,” John said as he watched the boy walk away. “He misses his father. Dawdi here just doesn’t fill in that gap very well.”
Bram was silent, watching Johnny as he leaned against the pasture fence, his head tilted into one hand. An outsider. Bram swallowed. Yes, he remembered that part of Sunday afternoons, too. A boy with no father to bring him into the game, and no one cared. At least Johnny had his Dawdi, even if John didn’t think he was enough.