by Emma Miller
Ellie sat with her hands folded in her lap, her eyes on the trees outside the window. Bram reached his left hand out to touch her, brushing her arm with his fingers. At his touch, she turned to him.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered.
Her gaze pierced him. “Are you all right?” she asked and then caught her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Ja, I’m feeling better every day.”
“Dat said you were on the mend.”
“Ja.” He had to ask her. “Ellie, your dat came to see me often. Why didn’t you come with him?”
She looked away. “I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”
Didn’t want her to?
“Why would you think that?” His voice rose louder than he meant, and Ellie jumped at the sound.
“I’m sorry.” Bram dropped his voice. “I only meant that I wanted to see you. You could have come. I...I need you.”
* * *
Ellie scooted her chair closer to his and laid her hand on his arm as it rested on the wheelchair. He pulled her hand into his lap and held it.
“Now that you’ve found that man, you’ll be leaving, won’t you?”
Bram’s hand stroked her fingers one by one. “Ne, I won’t be going back. I have a few loose ends to tie up in Chicago, but then I’ll be here to stay.”
Ellie turned her head away, pulling her hand from his. Chicago? Once he left, he would never come back.
“You believe me, don’t you, Ellie?”
She hesitated. She had trusted him once, but now? Before she could answer, the nurse swept into the room, followed by an orderly.
“Here we are, Mr. Lapp. The forms are all signed. Mr. Stoltzfus has paid your bill, so everything is taken care of.”
* * *
A week later, Bram couldn’t wait any longer. He was going to see Ellie if it killed him, and if Matthew hadn’t helped him harness Partner and hitch up the buggy, it just might have. He drove slowly, easing the horse around the rougher sections of the road, and made it to the Stoltzfus farm without too much pain.
As he drove up the lane, Ellie waved to him from the middle of the garden. He pulled Partner to a halt by the trough and eased down from the buggy. Ellie met him at the edge of the grass, lugging a bushel basket full of tomatoes. He started to reach out to take the basket from her, but the pain in his shoulder reminded him he was still too weak.
Ellie set the basket in the grass and gave him a smile.
“You must be feeling better, to make the trip over here.” She shaded her eyes with her hand, her tanned face and sun-bleached hair telling him how many days she had worked out here in the garden.
“Ja, I am.” Bram stepped closer to her and wiped a smudge of dirt from her cheek. “Why don’t you have any help today?”
Ellie shrugged. “Benjamin is working in the fields, and Mam and Dat took the children to Lovina’s. These tomatoes need to be picked, whether I do them alone or with help. It isn’t hard work, but I’m ready for a rest. Would you like some tea?”
“Ja, that sounds good.”
Bram walked with her to the Dawdi Haus, listening to her talk about the children, the garden, the weather... It all went over his head as he watched her expression change with each new subject. She was more beautiful than he had remembered.
He let himself down into the seat of the glider with careful movements while Ellie went into the house to fetch the tea. The walk had exhausted him. He leaned his head back and started the glider moving with his foot. Insects hummed in the sultry air, and a slight breeze played with the leaves above his head. How many nights had he lain awake in the hospital thinking about sitting on this glider with Ellie?
By the time she brought his tea to him, Bram had gotten his breath back and took the glass from her with a smile.
“Denki.” The first swallow was as delicious as the feeling that went through him when she sat next to him.
Silence hung between them. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. He had practiced them in the buggy all the way here, but now his tongue clung to the roof of his mouth. He took another swallow of tea.
“We haven’t had a chance to talk.” He stopped as he felt Ellie stiffen next to him. She moved slightly so that their arms no longer touched.
“You’re going to Chicago.”
“Ja. I have to, or else Kavanaugh will go free.”
“I understand that, but...” She stopped.
He turned to look at her, shifting his weight as he moved to ease the pain in his shoulder. Her eyes were wet as she steadily looked toward the barley field, the barn, the fence. Anywhere but at him.
“Ellie, what’s wrong?”
“I know you miss your life in Chicago. You were only here to do your job, and you never wanted to come back to the Amish life. Once you’re gone, I’ll never see you again.”
How could she think that?
“After I give my deposition, I’ll be back.”
“Your deposition? Do you mean a court trial?”
“Ne, not quite. The lawyers wanted me to testify against Kavanaugh for his attack on Hezekiah and for shooting me, but the Amish don’t bring lawsuits against people. John helped me understand that.”
Ellie looked at him. “Dat?”
“Ja. He helped me sort through how I can keep my commitments to my job and still stay faithful to the church. Bishop approved the deposition, since I wouldn’t be appearing in court to do it.”
“And since you haven’t taken the vows of baptism.” She turned her head away from him again.
“Ne, not yet, but I will when I get back. Once all the ties to my past life are cut, I’ll be free to commit to the church and to you.”
She shook her head. “Don’t lie to me again, Bram.”
“I’m not lying. I never did lie to you, Ellie.”
Then she looked at him, the pain in her eyes unbearable. When had she stopped trusting him?
“How can I believe you? I want to, but I can’t.”
Bram rubbed his forehead. This wasn’t the way he wanted this conversation to go.
“What can I do to make you believe me?”
Ellie’s voice was soft, strained through tears. “I don’t know.”
Bram reached out his hand to touch her cheek, feeling its soft warmth. He ran his finger along her jawline and caught the stray hair in his fingers. That stubborn lock of hair that never stayed in its place. Stubborn like her. He twisted it softly around one finger and then moved his hand to the back of her neck, drawing her to him. He held his lips on her cheek, breathing in her scent, and then released her.
“When I get home from Chicago, then you’ll know I’m here to stay. I’ll never leave you, Ellie.”
Chapter Twenty
“Memmi, look! Look!”
Ellie turned from the sink full of dishes to see Susan holding Danny’s hands as he walked from the front room into the kitchen.
“Danny’s walking!”
“Ja, almost.” A walking Danny would be twice as much work to keep track of, but she had known this day was coming. Time never stood still.
Susan let go of one of Danny’s hands to brush some stray hair out of her face, and the baby plopped down on the floor.
“He’ll need a bit more practice before he’s ready to take off on his own.”
“Can I take him outside?” Susan helped Danny stand again.
“Ja, but stay in the grass.”
“Can we go to Grossmutti’s house?”
“Ja, sure. I’ll be coming soon. Walk at the edge of the garden so Danny will have a soft place to land when he falls.”
Danny crawled after Susan to the door and scooted down the porch steps. Ellie watched as Susan helped him to a standing position, and they sta
rted the tedious journey to the big house. Back at the sink she could see their entire route through the window while she finished washing the breakfast dishes. They were both growing up too quickly.
As thoughts of Bram crowded into her mind again, she scrubbed at a spot of dried egg yolk on a plate. Why couldn’t she stop thinking about him? He had left for Chicago more than a week ago, and she needed to put him out of her mind. She had feared losing him to death, but losing him to the world wasn’t any less painful.
The dishes done, Ellie took one last glance out the kitchen window. Mam had seen Susan and Danny coming and was holding the door open for them as Danny climbed up the back-porch steps toward her. She had probably already finished one canner full of tomatoes this morning, and it was time to get over there to help.
Ellie rubbed the crease between her eyebrows, easing her headache a bit. A buggy coming up the lane to the big house caught her eye and she paused. Who would be visiting this early in the morning? Matthew Beachey got down from the buggy, and then he went around to the other side to help someone else out. Had Annie come for a visit? Ne, it was a man.
Dat came out from the barn to meet them, Johnny running behind. When the man stepped forward to shake Dat’s hand, Ellie saw he was wearing Englisch clothes.
Bram. He was here.
Johnny stopped in front of him. She could almost see the shy hesitation on his face before Bram bent down to gather the boy to him with one arm. Johnny flung his arms around Bram’s neck.
The sight of Bram and Johnny’s reunion held her captive at the window. Why hadn’t she seen how completely Bram filled the empty place in Johnny’s heart? Her son didn’t just need a father; he needed Bram.
She needed Bram.
Ellie wiped tears from her cheeks with quick motions. If he meant to stay, then why was he back to wearing his Englisch clothes? He had to be here to say goodbye.
How could she bear that?
* * *
“Bram, I missed you.”
The boy’s words, whispered in his ear, brought tears to Bram’s eyes.
Ignoring the ever-present pain in his shoulder, Bram held Johnny to himself for a moment with his good arm and then pulled back far enough to look into his face.
“Have you been taking good care of your memmi?”
Johnny nodded, his eyes shining. “Ja, Bram. I always take good care of her.”
“And your sister? And Danny?”
“Ja, Bram.”
“That’s my boy.” Bram half choked on the words.
Would Johnny be his boy? He hoped so. It was what he had been praying for.
Before he could stand again, Susan appeared at his side. Her shy smile told him just how much she had missed him, too. He wrapped his arm around her small frame and held her close, her little-girl body as fragile as a newborn chick. He wished he could lift her up in both arms, but that would have to wait until he had healed more.
He stood to greet Elizabeth as she came out of the house carrying Danny, but he couldn’t help glancing beyond her through the screen door. Where was Ellie?
“Come up to the porch,” John said, ushering them all toward the shaded front of the house. “We have some tea, don’t we, Elizabeth?”
“For sure we do. I’ll bring it out.”
As Bram hesitated, John turned to him with a smile.
“We’ll wait for you on the porch, Bram. Why don’t you go to the Dawdi Haus and tell Ellie you’re here?”
Bram grinned at John, thankful the older man understood. He wished he was strong enough to run along the lane, but he had to content himself with a slow walk.
At the edge of the garden, Bram paused to straighten his jacket. The Englisch suit was uncomfortable, but he had insisted that Matthew bring him straight to the Stoltzfuses’ from the train station. He had to see Ellie.
Movement at the Dawdi Haus kitchen window told him she knew he was there, but he still hesitated. What could he say to her? Just blurt out how much he loved her? That he wanted to marry her?
Ne, he had to take it slow, win back her trust. He took a deep breath and whooshed it out.
Even when he’d faced Kavanaugh straight on, he hadn’t been this scared. The worst Kavanaugh could do was shoot him.
Ellie could sentence him to life without her.
Swallowing hard, Bram adjusted his hat. The distance to the back porch wasn’t long, but before he reached it, the kitchen door opened. Ellie. She stood in the doorway watching him, her face unreadable.
“Good morning, Ellie.”
“Hello, Bram.” Her voice was cool.
His mouth was as dry as cotton.
“I’ve missed you.” He tried smiling at her, but his face refused to obey. “Will you come sit on the glider with me?”
“Ja, I will.”
Bram brushed a couple fallen leaves off the glider as they sat. Ellie gripped the edge of the seat on either side of her skirt, betraying how nervous she was. Somehow the thought comforted him.
The summer locusts began their daily serenade in the trees at the edge of the field.
“Six weeks till frost.” He felt like kicking himself. Where had that come from? He wasn’t here to talk about insects.
“What?”
“Something my mam used to say when she heard the locusts in August. There’s six weeks until frost.”
“Ja, you’re right. My mam says the same.”
They fell into silence again. Bram moved the glider with his foot. Where should he start?
“I’ve been—”
“Dat says—”
They both stopped.
“You go on, Ellie. What were you going to say?”
“Just that Dat says your farm is doing well.”
“Ja. I’m thankful John and the other men kept it going for me.”
“With Partner over here, you had no animals for them to tend to, so it wasn’t too much work.”
More silence.
Bram pushed his foot against the ground, setting the glider into motion again.
“I have to tell you something.”
She tensed, but didn’t look at him.
“I’ve requested to be baptized.” Her head shot toward him, her eyes round. “Bishop has been coming to Matthew’s for my instruction, and I’m joining the community next Sunday.”
* * *
Ellie waited for his teasing grin. He wasn’t serious, was he?
“You’re joining the church?” she asked, watching his face.
Bram smiled, his eyes warm and sincere. “Ja, at the next Sunday meeting.”
Ellie gripped the edge of the glider seat harder, willing her trembling hands to still. A thin shaft of light pierced her thoughts. He wasn’t saying goodbye; he was staying.
“But I thought...well, your trip to Chicago, your Englisch clothes...”
Bram reached up, pulled off the necktie and stuffed it into his pocket.
“I didn’t let Matthew take me home to change. I had to see you.”
“Bishop is allowing you to join the church even though you shot a man?”
“I had to shoot him. He had hurt you, and he intended to kill all of us. It was my job to stop him, one way or another. He didn’t leave me any choice.”
“But won’t you keep working for the FBI?”
Bram’s left hand closed over hers, warm, strong and confident.
“Ellie, that life is behind me now. I’ve confessed everything to the Bishop and your father. What’s more important is that Gott knows everything. When Kavanaugh found me, I was on my way to find him and have it out with him, once and for all.” He squeezed her hand. “I knew I wasn’t going to survive. I knew I’d never see you again. But I did survive. It’s like I have a new life, and I don’t want to
waste a minute of it.”
His clear, steady eyes told her more than his words, but she had to ask...
“If it happened again—if you run across someone from your past like that—would you do it again? Could you shoot a man?”
Bram looked at the ground, his grip on her hand tightening. “I can’t say for sure unless I was in that situation again.” He looked back at her, his eyes moist. “But I hope I would act as Gott desires, that He would give me the strength to do the right thing. I still believe I need to protect my family, my friends, but I hope I would be able to do it in a way that protects the other person also. That’s all I can promise.”
“And Bishop believes that’s enough?”
“Ja. He says desiring to obey Gott and praying for His help is as much as any man can promise.”
Bram leaned across her lap, taking her other hand from the edge of the glider. He cupped her two small hands in his large one. Ellie let them rest there, birds surrounded by a protecting hedge.
“I know this is where I belong, Ellie, with you and with this community.”
The small shaft of light widened, plunging into her soul with the dawn of understanding.
“You’re really staying?”
“Ja, Ellie.” He rubbed his thumb along the side of her finger, his touch sending tingles up her arm. “I’ve done some terrible things, Ellie, but I’ve never lied to you.”
She looked into his eyes, meeting the hope she saw there.
“I was wrong not to trust you, Bram.” Ja, she should have known she could always trust him.
Bram raised his hand to her face, catching the stray lock of hair.
“Ellie, I couldn’t bear to live without you.” His voice was a whisper as he drew her close.
“You don’t have to.”
Bram’s kiss was gentle, tentative. He brushed her lips with his and then drew her to him in a close embrace. Ellie lost herself as he held her with his good arm, pressing her ear against his chest to listen to the reassuring beat of his heart. She could rest here forever.
* * *
Two weeks later, Bram sighed as he pushed away his empty plate and leaned back in the chair. Miriam’s sugar-cream pie was the best he had ever tasted.