by Ava Catori
His hand was back at my chin, lifting my eyes to him. Questioning, quizzing, his look asked and mine answered.
Parting his lips, he came down to me, drinking me up, and kissed me with presence. This wasn’t some wishy-washy kiss, this was a kiss that told me he wanted to be here. It told me that he wanted more, so much more, and as I melted into him I admitted to myself that I wanted more too.
Breaking apart, “I’m not ready,” I said in a panic, embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” he started.
“Don’t be, I wanted you to kiss me.”
“Another day,” he said, brushing his lips to my forehead. “Goodnight,” he simply said, letting himself out.
Only he couldn’t pull himself away. He stalled, lingered at the door, staring at me. His eyes were intense, warm with longing, and my own were locked on him. I wanted to feel him against me again, I wanted to kiss him again, and yet I pulled away not even sure why.
Taking one step toward me, I met him halfway. Back in his arms, wrapping around me, cocooning me in safety, I tucked my head back to his chest. “I’m here,” was all he said knowing I needed his protection, the comfort of safety, even if it was an illusion.
“Steel,” I finally said, looking up, my eyes pooling with vulnerability.
His giant hand brushed my hair from my eyes, and lowering his head we came together once again, uncertain if our momentary bond would be broken, but willing to risk it.
Everything inside of me leisured in his lips as they touched my own; with that kiss I let him push away my fear. Our lips parted, his tongue searching, and the heat grew within us. As I tasted him, I knew I’d need more.
Steel’s hand moved through my hair, raking it, and then cupped the nape of my neck. His breath was hot, and with the lightest moan I accepted his kiss. My body felt limp in his arms in the most delicious way, and I was coming back to life.
It had been dark for so long, but something was happening. There was a crack and light was getting in. I’d heal someday, and today was a new beginning. I was allowing someone in, a man that I knew wouldn’t hurt me, and I was going to trust him, or at least try to trust him. I couldn’t make promises, and he wasn’t asking me to – he was simply asking me to try.
I’d try as long as he kept holding and kissing me this way, his mouth causing my brain to explode. Steel Brickman was lighting my fire in a way it hadn’t been lit in far too long.
His hands, more like paws slid down across my shoulders, resting on my back, not pressing for more. He didn’t try to cop a feel, even though I could feel his hardness pressed against my body, trapped under the denim of his jeans and knew he was aroused. He simply kissed me in a way I hadn’t been kissed in forever. A real kiss, a kiss that told me he wanted to be there, and a kiss that had me aching for another.
Stroking my hair, “Thank you for letting me in,” he whispered.
I nodded, and didn’t want to let go. How could I? I hadn’t felt this safe in ages. I wanted to sleep pressed to his body, but that felt childish. I was so desperate to feel protected all night long. I didn’t ask, and I knew I didn’t actually want him to stay; it was just the comfort of his embrace playing with my head. I said goodnight, and he promised I’d see him again. I didn’t doubt it, there was something between us – I was certain.
Chapter 9
I was scrambling to finish my homework. I’d let some of it go, and was playing catch up. Between work and new feelings for Steel developing, my focus was scattered. He’d stop by for a beer and bite to eat time to time, though our place didn’t have great food. He still stuck with me, coming to visit when he could. I was opening up more, talking more, though still partially guarded.
I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was like everything was coming together, and I didn’t trust it to stay that way. I kept waiting for something bad to happen. Somebody would come along and tell me it was a mistake. I wasn’t meant to be happy – and things would go back to normal soon.
Only it wasn’t a joke and he kept showing up, investing more time in me, and in a slow growing relationship. He wasn’t in a hurry and took his time with me. I was amazed. He could have any woman he wanted – and yet he came to this shitty place to be with me. He didn’t push, didn’t press, didn’t ask for more than I could give him, he simply shared space with me.
“You want to go out this weekend, maybe catch a movie?” Steel sat with a cheesesteak and beer, keeping me company at the bar.
“I have a paper to finish,” I said, watching his oversized hands dwarf the sandwich.
“Work on it tonight,” he said. “Movie, Saturday. You don’t usually have them off,” he answered before taking a massive bite of the food.
I shrugged, “Okay,” I didn’t want to admit I was struggling with this particular assignment. I’d stare at it, unable to get anything done. I felt like a failure lately, unable to concentrate and get things finished. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, distraction and schoolwork used to be my saving grace to keep my mind from wandering, though lately I couldn’t focus on anything.
“I’ll pick you up at eight,” he said, “and we can get a bite to eat after.”
“Sounds nice,” I realized it would be an official date, like a real one. Not just getting food after work, not sitting and talking at the bar, but a regular date. What did this mean? Were we a couple, or working our way into becoming one?
“Tell me more about you,” I said, lifting each bottle out of the bar back tray and wiping them down.
“Not much to tell,” he said. He wasn’t big on conversation that revolved around him.
“Tell me about your mother,” I started, wondering if it was a mistake.
He smiled, “She was beautiful, inside and out. She had a good heart, and that woman worked harder than anyone I knew. She kept two jobs trying to keep us afloat. I started cutting lawns as a teen to help with money, but she’d never take it from me. She was a good woman.”
“And your dad?”
He froze, and took another bite of his sandwich. “Not a great man,” he said. “And who the hell knows where he is today. He was a drunken ass, and when he left it was the best thing to happen to our family. We might have been broke, but we didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore.”
“I’m sorry. My dad took off with another woman and disappeared. I’d get a card every few years. My mom remarried about eight years ago, but as far as I’m concerned they’re all dead to me now. She comes in time to time, but because it’s a public place I can’t throw her out.”
“You think you’ll ever forgive her?”
“What’s forgiveness,” I asked sarcastically. “Fuck, no. She made her choice.”
“I’ve got some stuff to do,” he said, tossing his napkin on his plate after finishing. “I’ll see you Saturday at eight.”
Watching him leave, I wondered if he had normal relationships with girls in high school and college. Were they all sweet and bubbly, and was he the perfect boyfriend? He seemed edgier, rawer than most guys I knew growing up. I think hurt and disappointment scarred him, just like it had scarred me. We were two wounded souls trying to find our way. Only he was strong and powerful leading the way, and I was floundering like a fish out of water.
When he showed up Saturday night, I whistled playfully. He wore jeans with a dark blue shirt, and boots that were a dusty shade of brown. Steel Brickman was one handsome devil, and the more time I spent around him, the more I realized my guard was crashing down. My heart skipped a beat on seeing him, and I blushed like some damn school girl.
I’d put on black jeans with a black knit shirt. I didn’t have all of my clothes, and a lot were thrift store finds by this point. In the past I’d have worn shiny, black fuck-me-pumps, but those didn’t suit me any longer, so a pair of black sneakers had to do. I didn’t do sexy anymore, didn’t want to draw attention to myself, and wore baggier clothes now. Nothing clung to my body seductively; skirts were off limits since they offered easy access t
o places I didn’t want people touching, so it was loose slacks and unfitted shirts for me most of the time.
“You look great,” he said, standing in my doorway. He meant it, and I was amused. I was hardly date worthy, but he only had eyes for me.
“Thank you,” I said fumbling, trying to remember how to take a compliment.
Driving to the movies, he reached over and took my hand. I let him, and liked the comfort of his warm bear paw over my hand.
Walking in, tickets in hand, we made our way to the concession stand. It was a long line for a Saturday night, and as we waited I froze on seeing him.
He was with a date and turned from the counter, popcorn in hand. I hadn’t seen him in over a year. Panic swept through me. I turned away hoping he didn’t see me, but I had no such luck. Gripping Steel’s hand with ferocity, I tried to steady my feet so I didn’t fall over. My legs were shaking, and in that moment I saw the spark of recognition. With my heart pounding in my throat, I realized I couldn’t swallow it.
Walk away, walk away, get out of here, my brain shouted.
He couldn’t, he wouldn’t, and with some sick twisted grin he came right at us, almost mocking me.
I refused to look up, turning my head into Steel, but by this time he was fully aware something was going on with the force of my hand squeezing his own. “What’s the matter,” he whispered low into my ear, as my nightmare made himself known.
“Well, well, look who it is,” he tore into my flesh, his words shearing my head, making it want to explode.
“Avery?” Steel looked at me, looked at him, and sensing my reaction said, “Is this him?”
I couldn’t speak, my voice was gone, and I was frozen.
“What’s the matter Sis, not going to introduce me to your football star?” He obviously recognized Steel’s famous face.
The second, the split second that Steel realized this was the man who assaulted me, all bets were off. With a rage inside of him he tore away from me and went head first into my step-brother, knocking him to the ground in a tackle. Popcorn flew into the air. Swinging wildly, my step-brother was taken off guard. As the two men rolled and beat each other, security came running. Nothing could stop Steel’s fists pummeling into the man now beneath him once again.
“Break it up, break it up,” security called out, but they were simply two dollar guards who took a spare job to pay their bills, thinking the worst they’d have to do is stop people from sneaking into another movie when their show let out. They weren’t equipped to handle an ice hockey player that was used to brawling and a massive football player in a fury of fists.
“Get the cops, get the cops,” someone yelled out. I didn’t know how to step in and break it up, I was frozen. I didn’t want Steel to get hurt, and yet watching him beat the shit out of my step-brother felt just in its own weird way. I hated my step-brother, he hurt me, and he was getting his due, but this was Neanderthal justice and not the way to solve life’s tough moments.
I heard it all, the cracking of someone’s nose, and yet heard nothing as all the sounds whirred in my brain to create a silent moment watching it happen. It was confusion, everything happening so fast, my insides shaking with me like a great quake, and a cool numbness spreading through my limbs. I was sucking air, terrified for Steel, but he was holding his own.
When the cops showed up they finally tore them apart. I stood emotionless and shutting down; blood was streaming down the faces of the two men now in handcuffs. This was going to get ugly with the police involved, and I was damning our choice to try to date, try to go out, because my life wasn’t meant for this stuff anymore.
Steel’s eyes flicked with rage as his nostrils flared, and if the cops hadn’t shown up he would have finished the job. He was protecting me, it was all he could do – and there was no time to think, only react. It was a flashback of his sister’s situation all over again.
“Fuck you, I’m pressing charges,” my step-brother spat out.
“You’re a fucking rapist,” Steel shouted. I cringed, wanted to fade away, horrified at hearing the words out loud. I felt shame and anger washing through me as people turned to stare.
“She wanted it, and there’s no proof,” he shot back. “She’s a fucking liar, a damn drama queen.”
I didn’t know what to say, what to do, and with fear in my eyes I watched them bring Steel to one of the police cars. They gave me his car keys so I could meet him at the station. My breathing was deep, ragged, and I was stunned and in shock, not only watching it unfold in front of me, but seeing how protective he was of me already.
A piece of me was numb after seeing my step-brother in person again, and ice ran through my veins. Would I ever forget the night that ruined my life? One night and my life changed forever.
He told me who to contact, and a team lawyer showed up paying his bail. He’d get his stern warning and suspension not long after. The Red Hawks didn’t need this kind of publicity, and the offense cost him a hefty fine. He didn’t lose his contract, it was iron clad, but any more outbursts and that contract could break.
We drove from the police station in silence. I didn’t know what to say, and he was still harnessing his anger.
Pulling up to Phil’s, I started to get out. “Wait,” he said, before I could leave. “Can I stay with you for a little bit? Or will you come home with me. I’m not pressuring you, I don’t expect sex, but I want to hold you, really need to hold you for a while.”
I sensed it was more for him than me, but he couldn’t say it. I nodded, “Come on.”
Turning the key to the off position, he followed me upstairs. My bed wasn’t large, but if we pressed together tightly we’d both fit. I kicked off my shoes and took his hand. Walking to the bed, I sat down. Waiting for him to join me, I watched his face. He was raw.
Together we curled up, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me to him. No words were spoken as we clung to one another, trying to forget what just happened. His hands pulled my head to his chest, and burrowing in I closed my eyes. I felt safe, secure, and protected.
I couldn’t see his tears and didn’t realize he cried until I saw his cheeks were wet.
“Are you okay?” I asked, not wanting to pick at the scab.
“Yeah,” was all he could offer.
“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing it was my fault.
“For what,” he looked at me with confusion.
“It wouldn’t have happened, we shouldn’t have gone out.”
“You’re not responsible for my actions. I need to learn to control my anger.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to thank him for having my back, wanting to take my step-brother down a notch, wanting to save me, but silence was better than any of it. I tucked my head back into his chest, realizing he was my new hero.
Chapter 10
When he kissed me, I knew it was a reaction. He wasn’t here for sex; he wasn’t taking advantage of me. We were expressing words that couldn’t be spoken. We’d talk later, but not now.
His body was amazingly serene, peaceful and warm. I craved his manliness, ached to be in his clutches, wanted to be his. There was no shock in the desire, no question in my mind; I just hoped I wouldn’t freeze up before we could get there.
Steel pulled me on top of him. My leg draped down between his thighs, and even in our clothes it felt insanely sexy touching him in this manner. Our lips were back together, kissing, consuming, and tasting one another.
His hands moved down my back and then slid to the curve of my ass, coming to a rest. Cupping a cheek through my denim, he secured me in place as if I was going somewhere. I wanted to grind against him, feeling his hardness between my legs, but knew it wasn’t time. My raw determination felt amazing wanting somebody this way, but in his arms I knew nothing could touch me.
Hunger and desire kept us ratcheted tightly to one another, tangled and clinging. His hands groped me gently, and with each touch I felt the dampness grow between my legs.
“I d
on’t want to press you,” he said quietly.
“I know, but I want it too,” I admitted.
It didn’t matter that we were on a dirty, old mattress with cheap sheets. It didn’t matter that we were in a crappy room with walls as thin as paper, and that the only light in the room was a bare bulb with no shade. It didn’t matter that the bathroom was down the hall and rusted and worn. It didn’t matter that people fell into the walls stumbling down the hallway, because the only thing we could see or hear in that moment was each other.
His fingers slid below the edge of my shirt, and as his big hands touched my skin, gently caressing me tenderly, I froze. I wanted him, needed him, and yet that single contact shut it all down for me. Mentally I collapsed, and just as I was pulling away he kept me close.
“Shh, we don’t have to.” He sensed my fear, allowed for it, and just held me against him. I was safe to stay, I didn’t have to run, and he wouldn’t push me. I thought I was ready, but I was wrong.
I fell asleep against him at some point, drifting off. We woke to a large crash in the hallway. “We need to get you out of here,” was all he said.
I was tired and groggy, but his words woke me. “Come on,” he whispered. “You can stay at my place for a while. I have extra space.”
I couldn’t just up and leave, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. “We’ll come back tomorrow to gather your stuff.”
I didn’t protest, didn’t have anything left in me to say. I followed him blindly and climbed into his car. The large SUV roared to life as he turned the ignition, and driving out of the crappy part of my town, we went to a nicer section. Pulling into the covered parking, I followed him into the rented home the team set up for him on arriving in Pennsylvania.
He brought me to bed and tucked me in. “I’ll sleep in the other room,” he said quietly.
“Don’t leave,” I whispered. With that he pulled his shirt and shoes off and climbed into bed beside me, leaving his jeans on. It was out of respect and not knowing how I’d feel.