by Ava Catori
I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but I bit my tongue, saying nothing. I didn’t need to defend myself against some stranger.
I didn’t know it was jealousy, I thought it was anger. Only as time wore on, I grew to see she didn’t like other women holding his attention. It’s not that she wanted him for herself, not in that way, but she wasn’t used to sharing. He’d been her savior, her protector for so long; she had a hard time seeing him dote on another woman.
In truth, Kira wanted him to be happy, to find love and move on. It was just hard knowing she wouldn’t always be the most important woman in the world to him. She accepted that it would happen one day, but she wasn’t ready just yet. And if I wasn’t in the picture, he wouldn’t be in trouble.
Dropping her bag in the spare bedroom, Steel rejoined us in the living room. “Thanks for coming, Kira,” he added before falling to the sofa. Watching him take space, he owned it, stretched out, and didn’t apologize for his presence.
“Okay, so what do we know so far, and what’s next?”
“Her step-brother is pressing charges like I told you, and what I need is for Avery to tell her side of the story to show just cause.”
“Of course,” she said, agreeing.
“It’s not that easy,” I started.
Kira stared at me like I had two heads. “Why not?”
“I don’t want to dig up the past,” I started, feeling weak.
“Digging up the past? That’s what you call it? If he raped you, he deserves what he gets,” her voice was hardened. Softening just a little bit, “Listen, I know what it’s like, but you can’t let them win.”
I watched her face, seeing her flinch mentioning bits and pieces of her past.
“I don’t think I can,” I said quietly.
“So you’re willing to let Steel fall, without trying to save him?” Her demeanor changed.
“I didn’t say that,” I quickly defended.
“You didn’t say you’re stepping up to help him either,” she pointed out.
“It’s complicated,” I fumbled.
She was annoyed. “Look, I don’t know what you went through in your situation, but for me letting go of the shame and taking my power back was huge. I can’t promise it would be the same for you, but you can’t turn your back on my brother.”
I looked away. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want Steel to have trouble because of me, but couldn’t a fancy, expensive lawyer get him out of this mess? And couldn’t he just pay him off, and slide it under the table – then we could all put it behind us.
“Steel can’t have another notch against him,” she said, trying to find my soft spot. “After what happened in Seattle, this could destroy him if it came down hard against him. He’s got a promising future; don’t make him give up his career.”
Steel watched us talk, and finally stepped in. “It will all work out,” he said trying to make us all feel better.
I looked over at the man that had shattered my wall, broken through, pulled down brick after brick, and finally caved. “I’ll do it for you.”
They both turned to look at me. Kira spoke first, “You won’t regret it, I promise. We’ll both stand by your side.”
That surprised me. I expected she’d be a thorn in my side, but it turns out she was about to turn into a very good friend, something I hadn’t had in ages.
A collective sigh went through the room. I was terrified, but I wasn’t alone.
Digging up the past was going to be ugly, and without proof and my word against his own, it may get nowhere – but when it came down to it, it could save Steel’s career from collapsing. Surely they’d see he was protecting my honor, not some violent criminal who attacked people for no reason, the way they were going to try to do it – damn, sleazy lawyers.
Only my asshole step-monster was willing to accept a settlement to let it all rest quickly and quietly. Money to buy him off and to keep his mouth shut. Steel took the deal, but thought I should still press charges. Without the pressure on him anymore, I changed my mind and decided to let it drop. If I’d been smart and reported it immediately, there would have been proof, proof between my legs, but I didn’t. Now it was only my words, with absolutely no evidence, no prior police report, no nothing - only digging up bones.
Kira decided to stay, and I decided to move into Steel’s room. We were sleeping together regularly, and each time I curled into him, I felt stronger, safer, and more confident. I think it was being cared for, cared about, and truly wanted.
It was when Kira decided she was taking issue with our growing bond that things got ugly. She was fine with me being his girl until the point that he said he loved me. The moment it came out, things changed.
I heard that he loved me through her raised voice, not from him telling me. I was half asleep, still waking up.
“You love her, but you barely know her,” she lamented, her pitch too loud.
“Shhh, keep it down, she’s sleeping.”
“Have you told her?”
I stayed in bed eavesdropping. I knew it was wrong, listening in like this, but it was too hard to tune out. Hearing that Steel loved me blew me away. I felt warm and wonderful, though reeled at her reaction.
“She’s not good enough for you, Steel, she’ll hold you back.”
“What makes you an expert?” He was getting annoyed with his little sister questioning his choices.
“She works at some dive bar, Steel. You’re a professional ball player; you need somebody more high profile, less white trash.”
“Holy shit, did you just call her trash?”
“Come on, I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I expected more out of you,” he swatted with his words, almost spitting them out.
“Steel, that’s not fair. You know I’m just looking out for you. How do you know she’s not a gold digger looking to strike it rich?”
“You know nothing about her, not where she comes from, not how I found her – and what we have is real.” He was firm, direct, and strong. He wasn’t letting his sister second guess his choices.
“I’m sorry, okay,” she said, trying to pacify him. “It’s just that I’m trying to watch your back.”
“Don’t bother, if you’re going to tear Avery down.”
“You’re making a mistake,” she finally shot out, and then stomped down the hallway, slamming her door shut.
I quickly closed my eyes in case he came into the room. My heart was racing at hearing the words. He loves me – he loves me. Wow, that’s huge. I mean, I know he cares, but he loves me.
She was less than happy, and apparently had stronger opinions of me than I realized. I was horrified she’d even think to classify me as a gold digger, but would I have thought any differently if I was his sister? He’s a professional football player that just came into a lot of money with his new contract. Maybe she thought I staked him out and weaseled my way into his life. Isn’t that a laugh? I kept trying to push him away – but she doesn’t know that. Either way, he loves me. A small smile spread across my lips.
I found him in the kitchen later, kicked back and lost in thought.
“Hey,” I said, padding in, a long t-shirt covering my cotton panties. I wasn’t a fancy lingerie kind of girl, and I wasn’t going to pretend to be one now that I had a boyfriend.
“Hey,” he said, pushing his mug back and slouching onto the table.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just a stupid argument with my sister.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Okay,” I said, pulling the juice from the fridge.
“How’s your final paper coming?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m not feeling it, but it’s almost finished.” I dropped across from him onto a kitchen chair. “I have no idea what to do with myself,” I confessed. “If I graduate, there’s no reason I can’t start applying for different jobs with a degree in tow. I’m feeling kind of lost.”
“You’ll figure it out,” he said. “Listen, I need to go out for a bit today. Do you mind hanging with my sister? Also, I was thinking we could go away when you wrap your classes. With training camp coming up, my schedule will be tighter, and I won’t have as much free time. Football season can be pretty intense.”
“Sure,” I said, my insides tight, knowing his sister had grittier feelings for me than I first realized.
I loved the sound of his voice, it was deep and solid. There was something sexy and masculine about it that ran through me in delight.
I tested him, maybe it was out of line, but I said it, waiting to see if he’d say it back. “I’m going to grab a shower, love you,” I laid out casually, watching my tone.
“Okay,” he answered. No “love you” came back, even though I know he felt it. He barely flinched when I said it, but I wondered if I was out of line. Would he know I heard his conversation earlier?
I waited and waited, and he still didn’t say it. I think his sister’s opinion held more weight than I wanted it to.
Chapter 13
It was at my graduation than he finally said the words to me. Soft and warm, he whispered them close, telling me he was proud of what I’d accomplished.
“Congratulations,” he said quietly, his hot breath at my ear, “I love you.”
Pulling back to look at him, his eyes were watching my reaction. “I love you too,” I answered and then accepted a small kiss. We were in public and controlled stronger urges.
“I got you something,” he said pulling out a small, velvet jewelry box.
On opening it, the diamond earrings sparkled brilliantly. I caught my breath, “Wow, they’re gorgeous. I can’t accept these, Steel. These must have cost you a fortune.” They weren’t tiny diamond studs, but large pear shaped ones that easily cost more than I could fathom.
“They’re not too much for the girl I love,” he corrected.
I blushed, and accepted the gift as graciously as I could. I didn’t know what to say or what to do, they felt extravagant and more than I deserved.
“Kira helped me pick them out,” he laughed.
“Really?”
“Well, she pointed to a smaller pair, so I knew to upsize because she’d be stingy and isn’t in love with you like I am,” he grinned.
Only it became a tipping point. I didn’t need to be rescued anymore. He didn’t need to save me, and something changed.
Training camp was approaching, and as the men reported for duty, I saw Steel harden. He was preparing himself to be in a new environment. He was focused and driven. He loved football, but there was a lot of pressure. The Red Hawks paid a lot of money to bring him in, and he didn’t want to let them down. He’d already brought them some bad publicity.
“Listen,” he warned. “I’m not quite the same during football season. I know we met during that time, but this is different. I’m in the game now, and I get more intense during the season.”
“I can handle intense,” I said, stroking his shoulder, my head resting on my pillow.
He was turned toward me, about to go to sleep. Only his hands started to roam and one thing led to another. Pulling me onto him, I straddled his thighs, feeling his massive hardness within me. When he was inside of me, I felt complete. We’d be just fine, or so I thought.
The problem was that his focus had changed; his job of fixing me was finished. His main goal would be to get through the season and impress his new team. He had tunnel vision, only being able to pull one thing into focus at a time.
It wasn’t until his sister needed saving again that I recognized what was going on in our relationship. I saw his need to swoop in and be the hero, the savior. I wondered if what we had together was really me being a stray he took in, and now he didn’t know what to do with me since the job was complete. Was that all I was, somebody to rescue?
Anyway, back to his sister…she’d gotten into a little bit of trouble, nothing major, but he acted like it was the end of the world if he didn’t step in and get involved. Kira got a little too drunk one night and some guy followed her home. It was in watching him save her from the jerk that I saw it. He wasn’t just her big brother; he was being a hero – needing to rescue her from some horny guy. Steel came to life, I saw it in him, his face, his demeanor; I swear his self-esteem was tied to it. He was this white knight chasing away the bad guy and was unstoppable.
Kira loved being saved; her big brother coming to her rescue was something she was used to. She thrived on it, and for another moment in time he got to feel larger than life. He was meeting this ideal image he had of himself, but when the crisis was over he was simply a normal guy from Seattle with a football contract in Pennsylvania. That should have been enough, getting pulled to the big leagues, a professional team wanted his abilities, but this wasn’t about his career, it was about his identity.
On seeing this, I was caught off guard. I guess those college classes on psychology taught me something after all – only I didn’t like what I saw, because it now had me questioning everything about our relationship. He didn’t fall in love with me because of who I am; he fell in love with me to fill a void within himself. He wanted to save me, fix me, make things better, because if he could be a hero he became who he wanted to be. Did he want me now that I was healed? Maybe it wasn’t love after all, but co-dependence. If he could make things right in my world, then he did his job which filled his need to be a white knight, letting him feel adequate.
If Steel was preoccupied with me, making me better, he had purpose – but what happened when I didn’t need him to prop me up anymore? What would fill that void - or worse yet, who? Would he grab hold of the next girl that needed to be saved and let me go in the process? It was overwhelming seeing our reality. This wasn’t what I signed up for – I fell in love with Steel for his strength and caring, but I wasn’t sure he was in love with me at all. He thought he was, but I feared it was something different.
His words about his sister cemented it for me, making things crystal clear.
“Kira’s not capable of taking care of herself, she needs me,” he started. “She wants my advice, and then she doesn’t take it. She should listen to me, I know what’s best. If she moved here, I’d be able to watch over her. She just doesn’t see that I know what she needs more than she does.”
Only Kira was more than capable of taking care of herself. The problem was with Steel. He felt safer when he was in control and people did what he said. In his head, he knew what was best for everyone.
I listened and saw a man that was struggling deep inside of himself, needing others to feed his self-esteem. Where had it come from, and more importantly what did it mean for us as a couple? I couldn’t pretend not to see it – I couldn’t go back and not know. The more I looked, the more I saw signs I’d overlooked. Steel Brickman was as much of a mess as I was inside. We just had different issues.
When I gently brought it to his attention he denied it all, saying I was ridiculous. “I’m not some weak man who has to blather on about his emotions, and whatever garbage you’re trying to shovel, I’m not interested in listening. You’ve got enough of your own problems. You need to figure out what you’re doing with your life now that you’ve graduated. You can’t work at that shitty bar forever…” and wow, was that an ugly conversation. It was the start of our undoing.
Control was our biggest struggle. When he was in control he felt sane. When I was in control I felt safe. Our worlds collided. He wanted to micro-manage what I did and how I did it. In his eyes, I floundered, not making the best choices. It was a weird place to be. When he was in control he was relaxed, happy, and grounded. When I lost control, I felt like some dizzy top that would tumble over and fall flat on my face. Could our worlds co-exist?
“I don’t have time for this nonsense,” he berated. “My career is on the line, and I can’t be worrying about you all the time.”
“Worrying about me? What have you got to worry about,” I argued. “I have a
job, I can support myself, and I don’t need some guard watching over me.”
“Is that what you think of me, that I’m some babysitter? You can barely support yourself, and you haven’t even tried looking for a better job,” he went on.
“You treat me like I’m incapable of doing things on my own. I survived just fine before you came along,” I growled.
“Survived, what in a room over a bar with a bathroom down the hall? If that’s your means to survival, you’ve got pretty low standards.” His nostrils flared with frustration.
“I don’t need your money, and I didn’t ask you to rescue me,” I shot out, storming out of the room.
“You don’t know what the hell you need,” he followed behind me. “If it weren’t for me, you’d still be living in that hell hole of a room with drunks down the hall, and a bathroom riddled with disease.”
“Screw you,” I shot out.
Pinning me to the wall, he pulled my wrists up over my head and boxed me in. His hot breath was inches from my face, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? I’m not going to give you the satisfaction,” he spit out, and then let go.
I stood stunned, watching him. The moment was heated, the anger was rising, but as we stood torn and full of rage something happened. He came at me, his lips on my neck, and pulling my hands back over my head, I was pinned to the wall once again. Milking my skin, he whispered how much he wanted me.
I wasn’t afraid; it wasn’t like that, more than anything I was confused how he switched gears so quickly. Knowing this conversation was far from over I pushed it aside for now. With the spontaneity of a summer storm rolling in, we ripped off our clothes and had sex full of spite while pushing out our emotions. I had no idea where we’d stand after this, but I wanted to feel him inside of me –needed him more than I knew.
Our breathing was labored as we were caught up in a moment of hot, desperate sex.
“I love you,” he growled, “I just want what’s best for you.”
“You don’t get to decide,” I groaned as he pushed into me, his knee pressing my thighs apart.
“You have to trust me,” he grunted as his movements were carved with purpose. Each thrust had us speaking less.