“Any good gossip?” Lexie asks.
Olivia looks up from the magazine. “Just the usual. I’m more interested in talking about you. How are you?”
Lexie looks at the door. “Mind if I close it?”
“Oh, sure.”
As soon as Lexie closes the door she bursts into tears. She plops on the bed beside Olivia. “I hate him. I so hate him.” She picks up the round brown throw pillow and punches it. “Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.”
Daisy’s ears perk up and she leaps off the bed and jumps up on the nearby couch, stretching out and resting her furry face on her paws.
Olivia hugs Lexie.
“What did Cole say? Anything?”
“He thinks Tallen likes you a lot. Like too much. And he’s scared.”
“Scared? Of what? It’s not like I’m a vampire or some kind of evil person.”
“I guess scared of caring too much.”
“Come on, Lib. Really? Really? He said that? Sounds ridiculous. If he cared too much he wouldn’t have done what he did.”
Olivia hands Lexie the box of tissues sitting on the nightstand by her bed. “I don’t know. It could make sense. From what Cole’s told me, Tallen’s never had a serious girlfriend. Never wanted a serious girlfriend. Then he met you and everything changed.”
“Well, it changed for me, too. Before I moved here, I had lots of boyfriends. But Tallen was different. I know he had to feel it, too. And yet he breaks up with me. Tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. Wouldn’t even look me in the face when he said it. And then, as soon as he can, he changes his status on Facebook. Like he couldn’t do it fast enough.”
“Well, at least he didn’t break up with you via text message like Molly’s boyfriend did. He was an even bigger jerk.”
“True,” Lexie says. “But all guys are jerks. Who needs them anyway? You have the last non-jerkish guy. All the others suck big time.”
“You’ll get over him,” Olivia says. “Mom and Dad say things always happen for a reason.”
“Please, Lib. Don’t give me that for-a-reason crap right now. That’s what my mom said. Blah. Blah. Blah. It’s all blah.”
“So what do you want to do? Movies? Go to the mall? Eat a gallon of ice cream?”
“I guess mall. Dad let me take the new Benz and gave me his credit card and told me to have some fun. So let’s go shopping. It’s nice enough to put the top down. Screw guys forever!”
“Except Cole,” Olivia says.
Lexie looks at her. “Except Cole. But he’s the only exception.”
Lexie pulls into the mall parking lot and parks near the entrance to the food court. As they walk toward the doors Olivia spots Tallen’s car. She’s hoping Lexie doesn’t see it so she tries to distract her by talking about her upcoming dance recital.
Lexie stops and points. “There’s Tallen’s car. That freakin’ jerk’s here.”
“Wanna leave?”
“Are you kidding me? He’s definitely not going to stop me from shopping. The mall is my territory, not his. His is the…the…the stupid basketball court.”
Olivia laughs to herself. Amused by how Lexie divides up public property with Cole.
“And another thing, the movie theater is mine. He never wanted to go to the movies until I started bugging him to go. So he can stay away from that, too.”
The girls walk into the mall and head for Lexie’s favorite store to look at the new fall arrivals.
They get lost in a forest of racks, going from one to another scavenging for that special something. Lexie holds up a black miniskirt and leopard-print shirt. “What do you think?”
Olivia walks around the rack so she’s on the same side as Lexie. “Like it.”
“Think it’s sexy?”
“Definitely. Probably won’t be able to wear it to school. Mini’s too short.”
“Stupid school dress codes,” Lexie says. “Did I tell you I got sent home once because I had holes in my jeans? The jeans came that way. They were made that way, but Mr. Jerk-ass Principal didn’t care. ‘Rules are rules. Next time buy jeans with no holes,’ he said. The guy has no fashion sense! Ever see his ties? They look ancient. Like something my dad would have worn thirty years ago.”
“I think I’m ready to try these on,” Olivia says.
“I’ll be right behind you.”
Olivia goes to the dressing room and sees Tallen walking with a girl she’s never seen before. She’s pissed that Tallen’s in this store. He knows it’s Lexie’s favorite. If Lexie sees him she’s going to go berserk. After all, in the dividing up of public property, this is definitely Lexie’s territory. She turns to go back to get Lexie but she’s too late. Lexie sees Tallen and the girl. They’re laughing and headed in Lexie’s direction.
Lexie walks up to them and before Tallen and the girl can say anything Lexie punches Tallen in the face. “This is my store, creep. So leave.”
Tallen rubs his Brillo stubble jaw and the girl’s brown eyes bug out. “Is this your crazy ex?”
“Yeah,” Tallen says.
“Oh, I’m crazy all right. Crazy for ever liking this creep. Enjoy the crumbs I’ve left behind. It’s probably all you’ll get.”
Lexie makes a beeline for the dressing room and Olivia follows her. As soon as they get inside a dressing room, Lexie melts into a puddle of tears. “I hate him,” she says.
Hate is a strong word. I know how Lexie feels. To love someone so much and have them do the unthinkable. For me, Bryan vanishing from my life was like that. It was worse than breaking up. At least if he had broken up with me, I’d maybe still see him at the grocery store. But he cut off all contact with me. Whenever I had to work, I would look for him. Thinking that he might just pop in some day, tell me he was sorry and what the hell he had been up to all this time. But that never happened. The worst part is the not knowing. The not knowing what happened to him. Where he went. Why he left. So many questions that will never be answered. Not now, anyway. I’m dead. No chance of seeing him now. No chance of him ever knowing that I was carrying his child, the result of that unopened condom.
Chapter 30
Elizabeth knocks on Olivia’s bedroom door.
“Come in.”
Olivia notices her mom’s red, blotchy face. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Lib. I got some bad news today.” Elizabeth sits on the edge of Olivia’s bed.
Olivia gets up from her desk chair and walks over to her mom. I can feel Olivia’s heart racing. She’s scared. She’s never seen her mom like this.
“What is it?” she asks.
Elizabeth pats the bed beside her. “Sit down, sweetie.”
Olivia sits down.
“I have breast cancer.”
Tears well up in Olivia’s eyes. “Just like Grandma?”
“Yeah,” Elizabeth says. “But you see how great Grandma’s been. It’s been twenty years since she had her mastectomy.”
“Is that what’s going to happen?”
Elizabeth nods. “I have cancer in my right breast. The surgeon will remove the breast and then I’ll have chemo, just like Grandma. And, like Grandma, I’ll be fine. I’ll be tired and need lots of rest but Dad will see that you get to your dance classes.”
“Oh, Mom,” Olivia says. “I’m not worried about my dance classes. I’m worried about you.”
“I know that, sweetie. But I’ll be fine. You can’t stop living your life just because I’m going through a difficult time. Bad things happen all of the time. You need to deal with the bad thing as best you can and move on. There are no guarantees in life. We do the best that we can.”
Olivia hugs her mother tighter than she’s ever hugged her. “Will I get breast cancer?”
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
“But if you and Grandma got…” Olivia catches herself. “Sometimes I forget,” she says.
“You might be adopted, sweetheart, but you are my daughter,” Elizabeth says. “You always have been and you always will be. No matter what
. Yes, I did not give birth to you. But having a baby doesn’t make someone a mother. I wish I knew more about your biological mother. I wish I knew her health history, but I don’t. It’s true, breast cancer runs in my family but it might not run in your biological mother’s family. And even if it did, that doesn’t mean you’ll get it.”
“I wish you had had me.”
Elizabeth lifts up Olivia’s chin. “It wouldn’t have made any difference. I wouldn’t have loved you any more than I do now. And you know you mean everything to your father. So, we’ll get through this as a family just like we’ve gotten through every other difficulty we’ve faced. OK?”
Olivia blows her nose. “OK. But promise me you’ll let me help, do whatever I can around the house.”
“I promise.”
“Mom,” Olivia says. “I never want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” Elizabeth says. “I’ll always be with you. Even when I’m not physically here, I’ll always be here.” And she points to Olivia’s heart.
Olivia covers her heart with both of her hands. “Forever and ever, Mom. Forever and ever.”
If I were alive, I’d be melting in tears. Listening to Elizabeth talk to Olivia about her love for her fills me with incredible joy. My spiritual body tingles all over. It’s a tingling brought about by a love so deep that even though I try to understand it, I’m not sure I do. I loved Grandma. I loved Bryan. But the love Elizabeth feels for Olivia, her adoptive child, is something so deep, so incredible that I can’t relate to it. I can’t help but wonder if I would have felt that way about the child I was carrying. And then I hate myself all over again. Hate myself for the choices I made, the things that I did. Hate myself for not being strong enough, for being so short-sighted that I couldn’t see past tomorrow. When Bryan vanished and Grandma got sick, that was the beginning of the end.
I learned that Grandma was sick about a month after Bryan took off. By that time, I knew I was pregnant but there was no way I was going to tell Grandma and disappoint her. So I did what I always did. Hid it. It was easy to do. Just wore big shirts. I kept thinking that Bryan would come back and whisk me away and we’d be a family, but that didn’t happen. Grandma just got sicker and sicker. And the baby inside of me grew bigger and bigger. I went to the clinic downtown for regular checkups. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do so I didn’t do anything. It was easier that way.
“Sarah,” Grandma moaned from the recliner. “Can you bring me my pain pills?”
I set up the black TV tray with tole-painted roses beside her recliner. I put the remote on the tray along with a box of tissues and a water bottle filled with ice water.
“Here, Gram.” I put the pain pills in her open hand. They looked so big I hoped they wouldn’t get stuck in her throat. She had trouble swallowing big pills. Always did, but now it was even more difficult.
“Can you sit with me awhile?” Grandma asked.
“Sure, Gram.” I sat on the floor next to her chair and laid my head on her thin legs, covered with my old pink and purple comforter that was threadbare in spots.
She brushed my hair with her boney, feeble hands. “I’m sorry, Sarah.”
I looked up at her, taking in her sagging cheeks splattered with age spots and her thin, cracked lips that seemed to be vanishing. She had aged so much in three short months.
“Don’t be sorry, Gram. You can’t help you got sick.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I know where I’m going. I don’t fear dying. But I don’t want to leave you just yet.”
“Oh, Gram,” I said. “You’ll be around another fifty years, and you’ll be just as feisty as ever.”
Her lips quivered and she managed a slight smile. “I don’t have much, but what I have is yours.”
“I’m not going to sit here, Gram, if you’re going to talk dumb like this. You have pancreatic cancer. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll beat this just like you’ve beat everything else in your life. Aren’t you always telling me to never give up, to keep on going even when things get tough? Isn’t that what you’ve taught me? To fight until there’s no more fight in you.”
As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back, but it was too late. I knew what she was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it.
“That’s just it, Sarah. Your old grandma has no more fight left in her. Been fighting my entire life, and I’m just too damn tired.”
“Sleep, Gram. I’ll be back a little later to check on you.”
Later that night, after her mother has gone to bed, Olivia finds her dad alone in the study. She hears his sobs. He doesn’t realize he has company.
“Dad,” Olivia says. “Are you OK?”
Tom turns around and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. He sniffs. “I’ll be OK, Libby Love. Just worried about your mom.”
Olivia walks over to him and they hug. She notices an open bottle of Scotch on the desk and an empty glass next to it.
“Is Mom going to be all right?” Olivia asks.
Tom kisses the top of her head. “I hope, Lib. I really hope. But we have to be strong for her. Can’t let her know how worried we are. I don’t want her worrying about us when she needs to be taking care of herself.”
“How’s your mom?” Cole asks Olivia when she answers the door the next day.
“Sleeping now. She’s tired a lot.”
“Are you sure you can go out?”
“Yeah. Grandma’s here and Dad will be home soon.”
“Good cause we gotta celebrate.”
Cole flashes his blinding white smile.
Olivia jumps up and down. “You got in.”
“Yep.”
She stands on tiptoe and hugs Cole. “That’s awesome. I hope I get my first choice when it’s time for me to apply to colleges.”
“Any chance you’ll apply to my school?”
Olivia shakes her head. “Need a school with a strong dance program.”
Cole’s shoulders sink. “But I can visit, right?”
Olivia smiles. “Of course.”
She’s happy when Cole talks about the future and refers to both of them. It makes her feel as if he thinks they’re forever like she does.
“Where do you want to go to celebrate?” Cole asks.
“Pizza Palace,” Olivia says.
“Could do Chinese?”
“Nah. Pizza. And then Tropical Treat for an ice-cream cone.”
“You must be hungry,” Cole says.
“You try dancing for six hours and see how tired and hungry you get.”
“You don’t get any breaks?”
“We get breaks, but not long ones and I eat very light because I don’t feel well dancing on a full stomach.”
Olivia leaves to tell her grandma that she and Cole are going.
“Almost forgot,” Olivia says when she returns. “My parents are having my sweet sixteen birthday party at the club. They’ve booked the ballroom and hired a DJ. I need to decide the menu and who to invite. Wanna help?”
“Sure,” Cole says. “How many people are you inviting?”
“Not sure. Dad said to invite whoever I want. So, I’ll be inviting my dance friends and my school friends. And, of course, family.”
“Sounds like it’ll be fun.”
“It’s going to be amazing,” Olivia says.
“What about your mom?”
“Mom insists. I told her we could wait to celebrate until after she’s through with her chemo, but she said to go ahead, that with the party planner they hired she won’t have anything to worry about. The only thing she asked was that we have it on the weekend right before she starts another round of chemo because that’s when she always feels best.”
When I turned sixteen, Grandma took me to this fancy restaurant in the swankiest hotel downtown. It was in the historic district, built in 1925. I remember looking at the menu and having no idea what most of the dishes were. Names like Assiette d’Agneau, Canard Rôti and Bifteck Diane stared back at me.
“Shh,” she said. “Don’t worry about the price. This is an extra special day. I’ve been saving a dollar a week for three years so that we could do this. Get what you want. You’re sixteen.”
“But I don’t know what I want because I have no idea what any of these dishes are,” I whispered.
When the waitress came, I asked her to explain the entrees. One was a lamb dish and the other duck. When she said “beef tenderloin” that at least sounded familiar. “I’ll take that,” I said.
I felt like royalty sitting in this dining room with its twenty-foot-high ceilings, ornate brass and crystal chandeliers and wood-paneled walls. A teen about my age walked around with a cold pitcher of water and it seemed like as soon as I took a few sips out of my glass he was beside me filling it up.
“Do you think we’re dressed good enough?” I whispered.
We had worn our best clothes – I had on a blue silk dress that Gram had made me and she wore a floral dress that she only wore for very special occasions – but, compared to everyone else, we looked underdressed. I think the hired help looked better dressed than me and Gram.
“You’re beautiful,” Grandma said. “Only you can make yourself feel inferior. Don’t. Our money is as good as theirs. And, gosh darn it, I’ve saved for three years to eat in this hotel and I’m gonna enjoy it.”
Grandma told me on the taxi ride over — she said she couldn’t afford a limo but a taxi would make us feel just as special — that she had always wanted to eat in this hotel.
“Ever since I was wee little,” Grandma said. “We’d drive by it on our way to market and I’d see all these folks going in there all dressed up in suits and evening gowns. I used to pretend with my friend June that we were attending a ball there. Sort of like Cinderella.”
I smiled. Gram always had a way of making something extra special. And I will never forget that night. We even had dessert.
Grandma got the Panko Crusted Chocolate Cheesecake, which was served warm with balsamic strawberry compote, and I got the Blueberry Upside Down Cake with house-made blueberry vanilla bean ice cream. Gram ordered the Thai Coconut tapioca with spiced mango salsa to go.
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