by Ann Pino
“And then?”
“I tried to find clean clothes and hide the knife.”
It took Cassie a moment to grasp the import of his words. He couldn’t possibly mean—
“David found me,” he went on, his voice strange and small in the dark. “He said he’d looked everywhere for us. He was worried because there was something bad about that batch of pills. They weren’t what we thought they were.” In an even softer voice, he added, “David never criticized me, even though she had been his girlfriend first and he was still in love with her. Her death has always been our secret.”
A rushing sound filled Cassie’s ears, breaking over her head like a wave. She was going to faint and make a fool of herself, except—oh, she had already acted like a fool! She had given herself to him, trusting that he was one of the good guys, that he wasn’t like these other wild boys who—
“Cassie?”
“You killed her.”
“I don’t know if I did or not.” He got to his feet and took a step toward her, but paused when she backed away. “If I did, it was because I was out of my head.”
“That’s either a lousy excuse or a lie.”
“It’s no lie. I could’ve never done such a thing sober.”
“You killed your cousin.”
“You know why I did that. Be fair. I’ve always been good to you.”
“Good to me for how long? Until I piss you off and you cut me up for rat food?”
“Stop it.” He moved toward her, ignoring her skittering backward steps toward the wall. “You know me better than that. David is jealous. That’s the only reason he said those things. He knows I’m different now and you know it, too.”
“Get away from me. Don’t even look at me!”
“Please, angel. Be reasonable.”
She didn’t want to be reasonable. Her whole world was falling apart again. After everything she had been through, she had dared to trust and love, only to have it taken away from her, just like her family, just like her teachers and friends, just like everything she ever thought mattered. The world was once again an upside down place where there was nothing safe to hold onto. “It was all a lie, wasn’t it? Just like the world before the Telo, just like all our stupid dreams.”
“My love for you isn’t a lie.”
“Stop it!” A note of panic crept into her voice. “Leave me alone!” She lunged toward the door, but he caught her in his arms where she shrieked and kicked until he released her. As she bolted toward out the door, she heard him call her name but she wouldn’t go back, she couldn’t go back. Instead she ran into the corridor where several children had poked their heads out of their rooms, curious about the noise. “Get back in your fucking rooms!”
All down the hallway, doors slammed shut. Then at the end, one opened and a figure held a lantern high. “Cassie?”
“It’s none of your business, Julilla.”
“Come talk to me anyway. You’re scaring the children.”
Cassie tried to walk but ended up running to Julilla’s room. At the kindness in her eyes, she burst into tears.
EXCERPT FROM CASSIE’S JOURNAL:
I’m staying with Julilla now. She’s been so nice to me, even though all I do is cry and act like an idiot. I wouldn’t even go downstairs to eat the first day, so she went down there herself and made sure I got a meal brought up. Then she spent the day listening to me cry and babble until I fell asleep.
When I woke up I found her sitting at the window, trying to knit from some instructions in a book. Her knitting is droopy and uneven, but better than anything I could do. She says it’s something to keep her busy while she recuperates. Her arm is better but she still gets tired easily.
Since I was no longer crying this afternoon, we talked. She didn’t seem surprised by what I told her and said she doesn’t know why I’m shocked by anything a Kevork does. She also said drugs and alcohol don’t usually change a person’s personality and that she’s seen enough of it to know. This depressed me, since I had been hoping someone would tell me Jay isn’t really a scary and violent person but just a victim of drugs and circumstance. Instead, it looks like he only puts on a good show.
So why am I still in love with him?
He came by after dinner, knocking at the door all polite and with a plate of food for me. I refused to see him, and Julilla told him to take his food and go to hell. I was ready to start crying all over again. The sound of his voice pulled at me until I thought I’d be torn to pieces and when Julilla slammed the door, I felt it in my heart like a wound.
Then I got mad. Who does he think he is? How dare he lie to me and pretend to be so loving, honest, and peace-minded? If it was all in the past, maybe it would be different. I could maybe even consider forgiving what he did to Trina. But it’s not past—he begged to lead the attack on the Christian Soldiers. He shot the cousin who saved his life. He works as a forager, stealing and scrapping with other kids for food and trade goods. He’s all talk and good looks, and idiot that I am, I fell for it.
I told Julilla this, getting angrier and angrier, pacing the room while she just sat and listened. Finally I stopped in front of the punching bag she has set up in the corner. I wanted to hit something and I was about to take a swing at it when Julilla stopped me, saying I would hurt my hands. She took some long bandages and wrapped my knuckles, then put big boxing gloves on me. Then she told me to go ahead.
I felt foolish in those big gloves, as if I was wearing clown shoes on my hands, but I hit the bag anyway. Julilla laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“You. You don’t know how to hit, do you?”
Julilla gave me a few pointers, and my next hits were more satisfying. It felt good to throw my weight into each punch and feel the bag move, even if it was just a little. I went at it as long as I could, until my arms were trembling. Then Julilla pulled the gloves off and I lay down, still breathing hard.
“Feel better?”
Oddly, I did.
“You know, Alex is short of guards since the whole Christian Soldiers thing. You’ve got what it takes and there’s nothing like a hard training session to boost your confidence during the day and help you sleep at night.”
“When would I have time?” I thought of the clinic and garden, both of which I had neglected all day, not to mention the goat and my other assigned chores.
“If there’s no one around here but you who can water a garden or take a temperature, we’ve got problems.”
Her meaning was clear. And since during that time I was hitting the bag, I didn’t think about Jay, I told her yes, I would be interested in training to be a guard, as long as none of my training was with him. Gardening and making herbal tinctures is too quiet for me right now. I need something that will shut up my brain. I need to forget I was ever in love.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Two days after the breakup, Cassie made her first appearance downstairs, going to the clinic after having breakfast in her room with Julilla. She was pleased to find Rochelle back on duty, after convincing Sid to make a nursery in a corner of the ward so she could mind the baby while she worked. Doc and Rochelle were thrilled to have Cassie back.
“I was ready to drag you out by force, if I had to,” Doc said.
She ducked her head, embarrassed but happy that she had been missed.
“Did Julilla tell you I stopped by yesterday? I had a sleeping pill for you, but she said you were already sleeping and that everything was under control.”
“She told me,” Cassie said, wondering how much everyone knew about the reason for her absence. Galahad wouldn’t have told, would he? It didn’t seem like the sort of thing he would do, given how concerned he was that everyone think him pure and noble. David must’ve told, in which case the stories being circulated were as likely to be lies as truth. “I didn’t have much trouble sleeping. I’m really okay.”
Doc nodded in relief, but Rochelle pressed her lips together and looked at her with skeptical eyes. She s
aid nothing though, and they settled into the business of checking on ward patients and administering treatments. Topper, the boy who had been vomiting blood, was doing better, although Doc wasn’t sure for how much longer and was annoyed he couldn’t get the right drugs to try some of the recommendations in his medical books. Zach, however, had taken a turn for the worse.
“I don’t have a body to extract a second dose from,” Doc said, after making some notes on his chart and motioning for Cassie to follow him to the next room. “He’s asked me to help him along this time, even if it means shooting him.”
Cassie sighed and looked at the floor. As if her own life wasn’t depressing enough, she didn’t need this, too.
“It’s not really our policy,” Doc went on. “But we’ve done it before. Usually we wait until the brain bleeding starts, since after that they don’t know who we are anyway, and—”
“I think I know the progression of the disease,” Cassie said testily.
Doc’s cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry. It’s just I need some help and I don’t know the right way to ask.”
“Just ask. And no, I’m not going to shoot him for you.”
“I wasn’t thinking that. I’ll find someone. But I was wondering if you’d back me up if anyone says anything. He was almost dead before, and since he asked me not to put him through all that again, I feel like I owe him.”
“I’ll support you,” Cassie said. “Honestly, I don’t think anyone will care.”
“You never know. This has been Mundo’s star project and gave us a lot of influence in the alliance.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses with the tail of his lab coat. “I’m getting sick of my patients dying.”
“Telo victims always die.”
“You know what I mean.” He shoved the glasses back on his nose but wouldn’t meet her eyes.
Cassie understood. So many deaths in such a short span of time had left him feeling like a failure. “I know,” she said. “But I still believe in you.”
Doc refused to be comforted and walked away.
* * *
Cassie spent the day working in the clinic, helping with the baby, and tending the garden. Everywhere she went she felt like a specimen under glass with everyone watching her, whispering and speculating about her breakup with Galahad. Why had she been so stupid as to make all that noise? And why had she been so dumb as to be so obviously, publicly in love with him? Everyone had their own theory as to what happened, and those who didn’t despise her pitied her. She hoped it wouldn’t take long for Julilla to convince Alex to put her on the guard register. She wanted to be someone new, and in a very public way. She couldn’t allow herself to become an object of scorn.
In the afternoon she went downstairs, thinking to find Alex or Mundo and plead her case herself. As she was crossing the lobby she heard a squeal of tires and glanced toward the front windows in time to see the shuttle lurch past. What were the foragers doing back so early? She had a sudden urge to run to the curb like she used to do and stand at the shuttle door with upturned face, waiting for Galahad to step down so she could see him and know he was okay.
She was still standing in the lobby, fighting with herself over whether to wait for a glimpse of him or flee to her room, when a series of shouts and crashes sent the lobby children rushing outside in a pack. Cassie moved cautiously toward the door, still not sure if she wanted to go near. Suddenly the driver ran toward her. “Get some backup. And Doc. Now!”
Cassie raced to do as she was told as the lobby and circular drive erupted in activity, most of it serving no purpose other than to amplify everyone’s sense of panic. “Your boyfriend’s killing David!” a boy shouted as he ran past, and now Cassie understood. She knew she should go out there and try to break it up, but instead she sank onto a dirty sofa and waited. They wouldn’t listen to her. Who was she to a couple of violent Kevorks, other than another random female to be traded back and forth for sex?
It took Alex and three of his guards to break up the fight, but finally David and Galahad were brought in under heavy guard and taken to Conference Suite A. The door slammed shut behind them and the whispers in the lobby and hallways began.
Cassie let the gossip swirl around her, unable to grab onto the meaning of anyone’s words. She didn’t need to hear the theories. She knew why they were fighting and she longed to pack her few belongings and leave. Maybe she could live with May or keep house for the twins. Maybe she could scrounge enough food to walk to her family’s wilderness retreat. It was a couple hundred miles away, but after everything else she had endured, the distance seemed like a small matter.
“Cassie?”
She looked up, startled to see Jimmy the van driver standing in front of her. How had she not noticed him walk up?
“Do you think you could help us unload the van?” he asked. “We’re kind of short-handed.”
* * *
Cassie went to the dining room that night, afraid to see Galahad but too curious to stay away. Julilla insisted on going with her, even though she was still convalescent and could’ve eaten in her room. They found seats with Doc and Rochelle, and Cassie listened to one of Doc’s pedantic explanations about skin rashes while pretending not to notice the air of tense expectancy that filled the room. David was at his usual table, bruised and bandaged, bragging about his foraging exploits and putting on a show of flirting with the girls. By contrast, Galahad sat like a stone at Mundo’s table between Alex and Kayleen. Cassie tried not to look at him, but she glanced his way often enough to see he was only picking at his food.
After dinner came the announcements. If she could just get through this, she could go back to her room with Julilla, hit the punching bag, and then try to get some sleep. She shifted in her seat, trying to look interested in what Mundo would say and feeling certain she wouldn’t remember any of it.
He gave the latest report on child kidnappings. Who cared? He said the Pharms were still watching May’s every move and to be careful about going to her shop. As if she cared about jewelry right now. And he mentioned that two Pharm representatives had been by earlier in the day, asking again about the laptop. Were they still after that stupid thing? Let them have it.
Then he said something that made Cassie sit up and take notice.
“As I told you last night, the alliance voted to try and infiltrate the Obits. Each group of twenty-five or more is to send someone to them, pretending to join their team, but to work as a double agent, reporting back to the alliance as often as is safe to do so. Only in this way can we know for sure if the group contains grownups. We will find out where these people are based, what they want our children for, and if they have a cure for Telo.”
There were murmurs among the group and several people nodded.
“Tonight we have a volunteer.”
To Cassie’s horror, Galahad stood up, his jaw set and a defiant look in his eyes.
“He and Banquo from the Thespians will be leaving in the morning. I ask that if you believe in God, you pray for them. If you don’t believe, your good wishes will be enough.” Mundo turned to Galahad. “Do you have anything to say?”
Galahad gave a slight shake of his head and sat down.
“I will expect everyone to stay silent about this in order to ensure the success of the mission. Anyone caught squealing will be executed.”
This drew a moment of shocked silence. The Regents had never had such a harsh policy.
“Our survival is at stake,” Mundo explained. “Is that understood?”
Heads nodded and voices murmured agreement.
“Good.” Mundo motioned for one of his assistants to read the next day’s assignments.
While she read down her list, Doc and Julilla each grabbed one of Cassie’s hands.
“It’ll be okay,” Doc said.
“You're well rid of him,” Julilla added.
Rochelle said nothing, but watched with knowing eyes. She understood. How, Cassie wasn’t sure, since what does a twelve year old know a
bout love? But Rochelle knew Cassie was dying inside, that this was a mission Galahad wasn’t likely to return from and that he had volunteered to get away from her, for his sake and hers. Cassie reached for her glass of water and swallowed hard to force down the bile rising in her throat. Was it too late to make him stop this craziness?
As if reading her thoughts, Julilla leaned in close. “You’re not losing him. You’re only losing the fantasy.”
* * *
Just before dawn, a tapping on the door woke Cassie from a restless sleep. She sat up and fumbled for the flashlight, but Julilla’s voice from the other bed stopped her.
“I bet it’s your boyfriend. You stay here.” She turned on the lantern and opened the door a crack. “Go away.”
Galahad’s voice was firm. “There’s something I need to tell her.” When Julilla hesitated, he added, “You know I won’t likely come back. Why not let me talk to her for a minute?”
Julilla stole a glance at Cassie, watching wide-eyed and solemn from her bed. “It’s your call.”
Cassie looked away, her feelings too conflicted for her to think of anything sensible to say.
Julilla opened the door. “Make it fast. And if you harm so much as her toenail, I swear to God you’ll be deader than your last girlfriend.”
A pained expression crossed his face. “Please, Julilla—”
“What is it you want?” Cassie said, surprised at how strong she sounded. How could she be in such control of her voice when everything inside was breaking into pieces? “Tell me. Then leave.”
He came to the edge of the bed and looked down at her, as grim and unreadable as an official messenger of bad news. “I’m leaving something for you. It’s under your pillow in our room.”
Cassie scanned his face and waited for him to say more, but got only a blank look in reply. “That’s it?”
“Yes.”
Julilla stomped across the room. “Well, you could’ve said that from the doorway and saved us all the drama.”