Upgrade U

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Now, how are your classes going?”

  “They’re cool. I got an A today on one of the stories I wrote.”

  “Fantastic, look at my lil scholarship-having baby!”

  “Yeah,” I said, unimpressed.

  “And how are your roommates, Shae and Khya?”

  “They’re cool.”

  “Uhmm hmm. Okay, well, you want me to keep up the twenty questions or do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

  How does she know something’s wrong? “I’m fine, Ma. It’s nothing.” I tried my best to sound sincere.

  “Seven, I know you better than you know yourself.”

  I swear I hated that line.

  "And besides,” she continued, “I’m more than just your mother. I’m a woman who has been seventeen and in love. And I’m also a pretty good listener.”

  I know she didn’t think I was about to confide in her. Puhlease, she is playing too much.

  “And no matter what you tell me,” she said, “I’ma love you anyway.”

  I paused…. I mean, I really did need to talk and I wasn’t so sure if I was ready to talk about this to my friends, so maybe … I’ll try my mother’s listening skills. “Ma, you have to promise to listen and no passing judgment in the middle of my sentence.”

  “Seven, I’m offended. I never do that.”

  All I could hear running through my mind was my sister’s voice saying, Oh, yes, you do. “Well, me and Josiah … it’s been like—”

  “A struggle.”

  Did she just finish my sentence? “Ma, you said you would listen.”

  “I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m listening.”

  “And at first when I got to school it was sort’ve hard, because we had some misunderstandings, but then we fell back into place. But tonight, we had a really bad argument, and we broke up.” I could feel tears pounding on my tonsils. “And I don’t know what to do.”

  “Oh my baby,” she said. If I was sitting next to her she would’ve kissed me on the forehead and fixed me a glass of warm milk. “Listen, Seven, I knew when I dropped you off at school that something was bothering you, but I didn’t say anything because I figured I needed to give you some space to handle it. And when you were ready you would talk to me.”

  "Ma, I don’t even know what to do.”

  “I know you love Josiah. And I know you have been with him since high school. But when people grow up and move on to college, things change, life changes, and situations don’t always stay the same.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that you’re young, Josiah’s young, enjoy your life. Maybe a break from the relationship isn’t a bad thing.”

  “So I should just give away my boyfriend—”

  “Give him away to who?”

  I paused. “I’m just saying, I don’t really need to hear the ‘too young for love’ speech.”

  “First of all, watch your tone, and second of all, I never said you were too young for love, but I will say you are too young to be stressing over some man. If Josiah’s acting funny, or the relationship doesn’t feel right, then leave him alone. You are not giving him away. He’s not an object. And let’s not lose sight here—he may be an NBA hopeful but you are the prize.”

  “You’re just saying that because you’re my mother.”

  “No, I’m saying that because I know what you have to offer and if Josiah or any other lil boy can’t appreciate you or they’re causing you grief, then leave them alone.”

  Does she really think it’s that easy?

  “Enjoy your life,” she carried on. “You never know what can happen for you. Heck, you may even meet someone else. But until then you dry your eyes and remember that you have a choice in what you will and will not accept.”

  I could kick myself for opening up my mouth. “Okay, Ma,” I said, hoping it shut her up. But it didn’t.

  “Now when we get off the phone,” she continued, “you will do what you want to. But just remember this, becoming a woman is knowing your limits, knowing when you’ve cried enough, and knowing that when love starts to hurt it’s not love anymore.”

  “All right, Ma, I need to call you later.”

  “I’m sure you do. Love you, my Fat Mama.”

  “I love you too, Ma,” I said with a drag.

  Once the call ended I sat on my bed, held the phone in my hand, and replayed everything my mother had just said to me and hated that it made sense.

  I heard Shae and Khya’s voices from behind the door and I tried to dry my face quickly. But it seemed I was too late though. They stood there in the dark and Khya asked me, “What, you tryna set a mood? Let me know before I flick the light on. ‘Cause I ain’t tryna see no jimmies, but then again—”

  “Khya!” Shae snapped.

  “You can turn it on!” Courtney yelled as he knocked on the wall. “I been trying to listen for the past ten minutes and in between her whispering on the phone—trying to fake out me and my glass to the wall—I don’t think nothing much is going on!”

  Normally, I would’ve cussed him out, but I knew if I opened my mouth tears would’ve trembled my words.

  Shae flicked the lights on and then turned back to face me. “Seven,” she said in shock, “you been crying? What’s wrong? What happened?”

  “Yeah, yat,” Khya said, surprised. “Why are your eyes all red and swollen?”

  My friends were obviously concerned and there were two ways I could play this. I could fold into my heart and release all my secrets. Tell them what went down tonight and how for the last few weeks I’d been walking around with a certain level of insecurity about my relationship. I could cry on their shoulders, have them feel sorry for me, but risk never hearing the end of this. Or I could wipe my face, claim the redness and puffiness of my eyes are due to allergies and act as if all is well with the world.

  I’ll take the latter.

  “Please, girl.” I waved my hand. “It’s nothing wrong. You know my allergies act crazy sometimes. But I’m cool.” I looked at Khya. “So you kicked it to Chaz for a minute?”

  “Yeah,” Khya said, excited. I could see Shae staring at me, as if she could tell that I just spat out the biggest lie of my life.

  “So how did he seem by the time you left the courtyard.” I hoped I was playing my feelings off well. “ ‘Cause you know you will dump a cutie in a minute.”

  “Fa’sho'.” Khya grinned and shot me a high five. “But he was cool. I mean I’ve never dated outside of my race before, but hmph, he was a lil cutie, for real.”

  I couldn’t take Shae’s staring, especially since I felt like I knew what she was thinking. “What’s wrong, Shae?” I asked.

  “Nothing.” She twisted her lips. “Not a thing.” She sat down on the edge of her bed. “Just thinking about acting skills.”

  I fought hard not to roll my eyes to the ceiling. This was the downside to having a best friend who knew me way too well.

  “So looka here,” Khya continued, “the Q’s are having a hot party tonight.”

  “Word?” I forced myself to smile. “Where?”

  “It’s off campus, but not too far, only down the street.”

  Khya smacked her lips in glee. “We have to be there.” She sorted through her side of the closet.

  “Two snaps up and a fruit loop, honey, Prince Courtney will be in the hiz’zouse!” Courtney shouted as he banged on the wall. “And don’t try and leave me either! I’m ‘bout to be a beast tonight!”

  16

  Everybody pay attention

  This right here is my pretty girl swag …

  —CIARA, “PRETTY GIRL SWAG”

  Be clear: I may have felt like the world had ended, and like all I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and cry until the end of time, but make no mistake I placed my tears on pause and repped well for all the fly girls. There was no way I could stay in the dorm and drown in my sorrows.

  Inside of me was a war, but I did all I could to hide bombs droppi
ng from my heart to my stomach … especially since I knew if I confessed to my friends I would be a bumbling mess by the time it was all over with. And I wasn’t ready for that.

  So, instead I fought against everything in me to act carefree during our pre-party ritual. Cherish’s throwback “Do It To It” played on the radio while—in between doing spontaneous dances—we huddled shoulder to shoulder in the sole wall mirror and put our Cover Girl faces on.

  “Look at you, Seven!” Khya said as she stood back and admired me. I was dressed in a passion purple, spaghetti strap, and fitted dress. The dress fell midway down my thigh and was simply too fabulous for words. My makeup was tight and my hair was straight. I slid on four-inch pencil heels and was ret’ta go.

  “Flyness will do it for you every time.” I hunched my right shoulder forward and started to get my Naomi Campbell on.

  Shae and Khya laughed. After I was done strutting back and forth across the room I looked them over and said, “Divalicious as usual.” Khya wore a fitted miniskirt with a rhinestone-trimmed halter, wedge heels, and a fake tattoo of a blooming rose on her thigh. Shae wore a pair of black leggings with a strapless top that rode her body like red paint and three-inch stilettos.

  We were so fly that calling us cute would’ve been an insult.

  My stomach felt queasy but I kept a smile on my face. “Let’s roll!” I said, excited.

  “Yeah, bey-be,” Khya spat. “ ‘Cause I got a wall to catch.”

  “Shh,” Shae whispered. “Maybe if we ease out we’ll be able to leave Courtney. ‘Cause I am so not in the mood for him tonight.”

  “You know what, Shae?” I said. “That’s a good idea.”

  “Then we need to slip our shoes off so he doesn’t hear us creeping out,” Khya suggested.

  We each took our heels off and held them in our hands as we slowly crept into the hallway, softly closed and locked our room door. Thank God Courtney was nowhere in sight.

  “I think we’re safe,” I said, looking around.

  We eased onto the elevator and once the doors closed we cracked up laughing. We laughed so hard that we cried at the vision of Courtney running around looking for us. “Okay, okay,” Shae said, “we have to calm down or we’re going to mess up our makeup.”

  “You’re right,” I said, wiping the corners of my eyes. We each looked at ourselves in the elevator’s mirrored walls and dusted whatever wrinkles the laughing caused. Once the elevator stopped we took one last glance at ourselves before stepping off and running into what felt like a screaming brick wall. “Oh hell to da first and second snap, y’all tryna leave me?”

  It was Courtney and he was pissed. “I put my glass to the wall and what do I hear? Nothing. And then I head into the hallway and what do I see? Elevator doors closing with y’all up on it and crying in laughter. So leaving me is funny to you three now? What you think, Courtney is a joke?” When we didn’t answer he spat, “You best not say nothin'! Now, look me over and tell me I’m cute so we can go bust in the door.”

  Courtney got his top model on before us and that’s when I realized that I wasn’t the only one stunned, we all were. Why did this dude have on a leopard bodysuit with leopard booty shorts, a matching boa, and leopard-print high-top Converses on his feet?

  “Don’t hate now, divas.” Courtney continued to model. “Peep it.” He placed his hands on his hips. “Love it. Feel it. ‘Cause with Court-ta-ney it’s all about the coordination.”

  I’m speechless. Completely … and utterly … speechless.

  “How do I look?” Courtney asked.

  I blinked and said, “You look … just like your name should be MC Rainbow.”

  “And you know it!” Courtney snapped his fingers and continued his rant as we walked out the building. “They ain’t gon’ be ready for da Prince, honey! ‘Cause da Prince ‘bout to kill it.” He broke into doing the running-man dance. “I promise you when I step in the room that party will never be the same.”

  O … M … G …

  After a few moments of Courtney’s never-ending antics, our hypeness returned and I did all I could to keep up with my friends and their feelings of excitement as we headed to what was sure to be crunked.

  My heart lagged behind me, but I was determined that I had to get it together, because there was no way I could feel like this for the rest of the night.

  So bump it, I swallowed whatever residue my tears left behind and pushed back the overwhelming urge to spill my guts. I did all I could to genuinely join my crew’s saunter as we glided down the street. And I almost made it … almost … at least until we spotted Josiah leaning against the hood of his car and saying, “So this is it?”

  For the second time in one night I was frozen.

  I tried to play it off and continue walking, but then he said it again, “So this is it?”

  Shae and Khya turned to me, while Courtney obliviously continued dancing down the street.

  “Is that Josiah?” Khya asked.

  “Yeah, that’s him,” Shae said and turned to me. “Is he talking to you?”

  “Seven,” Josiah called my name.

  “Yep.” Khya nodded. “I do believe you are the only one around here named Seven. But why is he on a dark street looking for you? My stalker radar is going off and I’m concerned.”

  “I don’t know what his problem is,” I snapped.

  "Well, is he your problem?” Shae asked. “ ‘Cause I don’t care what you say, but you seemed upset earlier.”

  I promise you everything in me said Keep it moving and walk away. That I didn’t owe him any explanation or a conversation. If anything I owed myself not to be aggravated with the bull. But seeing him, standing there and leaning against the hood of his car, with the street light splashing over him, made my heart want to be soothed by his voice. Like maybe he had the magic words to make me feel better and put an end to my internal torture.

  “Yo, for real,” Khya said, tight-lipped to me, “if something happened between y’all and you need to kick it with him for a minute, then you need to handle it.”

  “Yeah,” Shae chimed in, “just keep count of how many times you’ve been handling things.”

  See, comments like that are part of the reason I keep my business to myself.

  “All right.” I glanced over at Josiah. “I’ma umm, catch up with y’all later.”

  “Okay,” Shae and Khya said as they continued toward the party. “Deuces.” I stood in the center of the sidewalk for a minute before I took in a deep breath and turned to Josiah. I walked over and stood in front of him. There was a moment of loud silence, and then Josiah said, “So is this how you droppin’ it?”

  “Droppin’ what?” I did everything I could not to become emotional. Ever since I saw my mother cry like a wounded baby and my daddy still left her, I vowed no man would ever see me like that.

  “Droppin’ this, droppin’ us, dropping everything we ever had together. So this is what it comes down to, nothing?”

  "You dropped it to nothing! And anyway, didn’t you call me a lil easy ghetto bird? So what you sweatin’ this bird for?” That was the only thing I could say that would keep the tears at bay. “I’m doing me.”

  “Yeah, it seems.” He looked me over. “We break up and you’re headed to a party.”

  “What? You thought I was gon’ sit at home and cry over you? Psst, please. I didn’t even cry when my father left my mother so I’m certainly not about to cry over this. If you wanna believe some slimy rat over me, then it’s whatever. I through wit’ it.”

  “Why must you be so hard all the time?”

  “ ‘Cause that’s who I am? What you want? Me to be all over you like all these other chicks—”

  “I don’t want these other chicks. You’re the only one I know that’s for real.”

  My heart thundered when he said that, but still I felt like ice. “Yeah, well, I don’t know if you’re for real.”

  “Me? You’re questioning me?” he said, flabbergasted. “When you were
the one in some cat’s face?”

  I rolled my eyes to the sky. “All that you saying is so played. For your information and had you asked me, I would’ve told you that I went over there to tell him thank you for my books.”

  “So you admit it?”

  I ignored his last statement and continued, “My mother forgot to place money in my account and when I went to use the card it was declined. The night that we had your lil Burger King surprise and my hair was accidentally splashed, the dude today in the courtyard, was the one who did it. Him buying me books was his apology.”

  “How did he know you needed books?”

  "Because,” I said, exhausted, “he was there when I was played like garbage by your lil girlfriend. Okay? It was nothing more than that! So don’t come at me crazy!”

  “And you couldn’t tell me that!”

  “Obviously not,” I snapped.

  “So are you seeing this dude?”

  “Oh my God!” I screamed. “I don’t even know that dude. He dropped a box of books at my door like he was Robin Hood or something. I can’t help that. That’s not my fault. I’m not the one with some lil chicken stalking me—hmph, or maybe I am, since she’s all telling on me. For real, when I see that chick, it’s gone be all over with. And then you believe this girl over me? Nah, I’m done.”

  “So we’re finished?”

  After a long and hurt-filled silence Josiah said, “Seven, this is out of control, and maybe I should’ve asked you, instead of accused you—”

  And when did that lightbulb go off? “Yeah, you should’ve.”

  “But I was so mad that I couldn’t even think straight.” He grabbed my hands. “Seven, I love you. And when I think of you with somebody else, I lose it. At first I felt like Tori was trippin’ when she called me. And for real, I cussed her out and told her don’t ever call with that mess again—”

  Why did him saying he cussed her out make my resistance start to melt?

  He continued, “But then when I called you and you didn’t answer my calls—I freaked and I lost it. But I lost it because I’m in love with you. You my lil shortie, you know that.”