by Ni-Ni Simone
“Yes, ma’am,” Chaz said as he kissed Big-Maw on the cheek.
She looked back at Khya and smiled. “Cute, very cute. And I can tell by her accent, she’s from New Orleans. A homegirl, I like that.”
“Big-Maw,” I said, “you are so cool.”
“There’s my girl.” She smiled at me. “Welcome back, granddaughter-in-law.” She winked at Zaire. “It’s beautiful to see you again.”
“Thank you,” I said. “This is my best friend, Shae.”
“Hi, Shae,” Big-Maw said and then turned to her husband. “And everybody this is my husband, Ling.”
“Seven,” Courtney whispered to me, “is that Jackie Chan?”
OMG …
We all walked into the house and Big-Maw had completely outdone herself. The dining-room table was covered with all sorts of food: turkey, dressing, ham, gumbo, catfish, rice, greens, macaroni and cheese, yams, potato salad, and pretty much every kind of dessert you can think of.
“I hope everybody came hungry,” she said.
“Sho’ did.” Khya smiled.
“I did too,” Courtney volunteered. “That’s why I have on this spandex cat suit so it can expand.”
Just shoot me.
“Okay, everybody,” Big-Maw said, “let’s gather around and hold hands.”
We each complied and I stood between Zaire and Shae. Zaire held my hand tightly.
“Dear Lord,” Big-Maw said, “we thank You for filling this house once again with love, friends, and good spirits. We thank You for allowing us to come home again. Thank You for giving Grandson the strength to not only go to school but to work long hours at his job, in order to help me see New Orleans and my neighborhood again. I don’t know what me and Ling would do without him. And I thank You for the special young lady he’s brought here today. She has placed a smile on his face that I haven’t seen since his mother was alive.
“Thank You for Ling, Lord. Thank You for all the chil’ren that are here at the table this day. Watch over them, guide them, and let them know that no one shall come before You. We ask You to bless the food we are about to receive and have a special blessing upon it. This we pray in Your son Jesus’s name. Amen.”
“Amen,” we all said, as we turned to each other and exchanged hugs.
We sat down and as we passed the food around the table, the room filled with chatter and laughter. Khya and Courtney didn’t argue. Big-Maw and Ling—at my request—shared their love story, and Zaire must’ve whispered to me about how grateful he was to have me in his life at least a thousand times.
I was convinced that life couldn’t get any sweeter than this.
An hour after dinner was done, it was late and time to leave.
“I hate to see y’all go,” Big-Maw said.
“We do too,” I said. “But thank you so much for having us.”
“You sure you don’t want to take any food with you guys?”
Courtney grunted. “Well, now that you mentioned it—”
“No, m’am,” I said. “Everyone had enough.”
“I don’t appreciate you cutting me off, Seven,” Courtney mumbled, but I ignored him.
“Okay,” Big-Maw said, as we each hugged and kissed her on our way out. “I hope to see you all again soon!”
She waved to us as Zaire started to drive.
“I tell you what,” Courtney said, “if I had on a pair of pants I’d unbuckle ‘em. ‘Cause that forth piece of sweet potato pie is sitting right on top of my stomach. I need y’all to hurry up. I think I need to use the bathroom.”
“You are so gross,” I said in disgust.
“Seven, why are you all in my Kool-Aid trying to figure out if it’s sugar-free?” Courtney spat.
“Courtney”—I turned my head toward him—“nothing you have is sugar-free, believe me.”
“Hey,” Zaire said, cutting across our exchange. “Do you two have your seatbelts on?”
“Yeah, why?” I turned back around and noticed that traffic had slowed down.
“There’s a police checkpoint up ahead, and I just want to make sure everything is straight,” Zaire said, pointing toward a sign that read please have your license and registration ready.
“Do they stop every car?” I asked.
“Nah, only every third car.”
I arched my brow. “Well, they just let Chaz and the car in front of him ride by, so it looks as if tag you’re it.”
Zaire slowed down and pulled the truck to the side of the road. “License and registration, please,” the approaching officer said.
“Here you go, officer.” Zaire handed his information.
“I’ll be right back,” the officer said, returning to his cruiser.
Don’t ask me why the intensity in Zaire’s face caused my heart to race.
“Step out the vehicle please,” the officer said as he returned to Zaire’s truck.
“What?” Zaire blinked.
“What do they mean, ‘step out of the vehicle’?” I asked, confused.
“Ma’am,” another officer, who’d just walked to the passenger side of the truck said, “you need to step out of the vehicle.” He looked at Courtney and said, “You too, sir.”
“Oh Jesus, please don’t shoot,” Courtney said nervously. “ ‘Cause I’m getting out. I don’t know what they’re hesitating for, but, officer, the last crime I committed, I was seven and stole a bag of Ranch Doritos. My mother made me take them back and I had to stand before the church and confess. So I have served my time.”
“Sir, step out of the vehicle,” the officer said. “Slowly.”
“Oh, Lawd, I’m going down.” Courtney opened the door and immediately fell to the ground. “Two snaps up and a fruit loop, I need my mama.”
The officer looked back at me. “You have to get out of the car.”
“Why?” I asked, completely in shock.
“Your boyfriend was driving on a suspended license. So I need you to step out of the vehicle and sit over here.” He pointed to the curb. My mind raced, but I managed to comply as quickly as I could. I looked over at Zaire and he was handcuffed on the side of the truck. An officer read him his rights and another searched the truck.
I was scared, nervous, and I felt lost … and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the officer searched the truck and pulled out four bags of weed clamped between two rubber bands. “Now everybody’s under arrest,” he said.
I was frozen. Utterly frozen and all I could see was Josiah’s face the day he tried to warn me. One officer grabbed me and another grabbed Courtney.
“They didn’t do anything!” Zaire screamed. “Officer, it’s mine. I promise you it’s mine. It’s my truck and my drugs. Please, listen to me.”
Tears flooded my face, and when I looked at Courtney he was completely passed out.
I had never felt anything as cold as a pair of metal handcuffs, and at this moment I knew that my life had ended. “You have the right to remain silent …” were the last words I remembered hearing.
This was a dream. It had to be, because I didn’t remember being brought to the police station; all I remembered was being handcuffed to a wooden bench and connected to a crying Courtney, who wouldn’t shut up and told everyone who passed by his life story.
After an hour of sitting on the wrong side of the law, the officer who arrested me walked over to us and said, “We’re letting you go. Call your parents, call your friends, just call someone to come and get you.”
“I’ll walk home,” Courtney said. “Just let me go.”
“However you get there is fine with me,” the officer said. “All I know is that I don’t want to see you again. And you two better realize how fortunate you are, because I could’ve booked you.” He uncuffed us. “Now leave.”
I was in another world completely. This all happened so quickly that I wasn’t sure what was going on. Courtney must’ve called Shae and Khya because somehow they showed up along with Chaz to pick us up. I was quiet the whole ride, a
nd when we got back to the dorm I climbed into my bed, slid the covers over my head, and cried, until I couldn’t cry anymore.
29
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned …
—MARY J. BLIGE, “NO MORE DRAMA”
It had been a week since everything had jumped off with
Zaire, and although he called every day, I sent his calls straight to voice mail. The one time he attempted to show up here without calling, I hid in the bathroom and had Khya tell him I wasn’t here.
I mean, what was I supposed to say to him? Thank you for betraying me? Thank you for making me believe that I could love again, that forgiveness was possible, only for you to take my heart, slice it open, and pour piss on the inside of it?
Other than that there was nothing to say … and all I knew is that although I really wanted to cry my heart out, I had to move on. I had to. I couldn’t just lie here or roll over and die. I had to bury my love for Zaire and accept the fact that everything about him was a lie … and no, I wasn’t being bitter. I was simply keeping it real.
I slung my backpack over my shoulder, and as I opened the door I felt as if I’d tripped and fallen into a wall because Zaire was standing there. Immediately my eyes filled with tears.
“I know you’ve been avoiding me,” he said.
I nervously leaned from one foot to the next, trying my best to calm down my internal screams. “What do you want?”
“Just hear me out, please.”
“I don’t really have time for this.”
“I love you and I’m sorry,” he said as if he was in a rush.
“Love me? Is this what the hell love is? Love lies to me? Betrays me? Hmph, well, guess what? You can keep that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I’m so tired of hearing that.” I held my fingers out and started counting on them. “First Josiah—”
“Don’t compare me to Josiah.”
“Oh, okay, would you like me to compare you to my father, then? Because he was a liar too.”
“I’m not your father.”
“You’re right. I don’t know who you are. Are you Zaire the student? Are you Grandson? Are you the construction worker? The rubber-band man? Dope boy? Huh?”
“You know exactly who I am. I’m the man who loves you. Wants to be with you forever. I’m the man that made you face your fears.”
“Oh please. ‘I’ll never lie to you, Seven,’” I mocked him. “’I’m not like this and I’m not like that. Love, you’re different.’” I squinted. “What did you mean by that? That I was stupid? Stupid enough to fall for you!”
“No, you weren’t stupid to fall for me. We were supposed to be together and we should be together now—”
“But you lied!”
“And I’m sorry, I should’ve told you the truth.” He grabbed my hand and I hated that I couldn’t resist letting him hold it.
“I love everything about you, your smile.” He ran his thumb across my lips. “Your sense of humor. I want to be there for you. I want to protect you—”
“Protect me, by having handcuffs slapped on me? Nah, I’m good.”
“I’m sorry, Love. Please forgive me.”
“You really think it’s that simple?”
“I wish it was, but I know it could never be. But we can’t just walk away from what we had—we have to start somewhere. All that selling drugs has stopped. Period. And my lawyer’s looking at getting me into a program where I don’t get convicted and the court will dismiss the charges, if I stay in school and don’t commit another crime in the next three years.”
“And what happens if you do commit another crime?”
“Then the court resumes those charges.”
“Well, then good for you,” I said sarcastically. “So like, what do you want, a hand clap? I should be what, impressed? How about you’re a day late with that. You should’ve told me that you had drugs in the car. That every time I was with you I was risking my life!”
“Love—”
“Stop calling me that!”
“I can never stop calling you that.”
“You have to.” I snatched my hand away. “Because I don’t want you to love me. I want you to go away. I’m done, Zaire. Through.”
“I need another chance!”
“No.” I shook my head feverishly. “I can’t give that to you.”
“I swear to you I didn’t know that I still had weed in my truck. I didn’t even know my license was suspended. I promise you, I never ever transported anything when you were around.”
“Well, somebody caught you slippin’, didn’t they?”
“In more than one way,” he said more to himself than he did to me.
“Yeah, you’re right about that! I mean, seriously do you know how I felt? It’s like everybody knew but me. Even Josiah knew!”
“Yeah, he knew,” Zaire snapped, “because I was selling to half of his teammates.”
“Whatever.”
“Seven, I didn’t do this to hurt you. I sold drugs because I needed to live; I needed my grandmother to live—”
“So she knows what you do too?” I couldn’t believe this.
“No. I told her the same lie that I told you. But I’m realizing that lying to people you love is costly.”
“So is that your excuse?”
“Love, I’m not making up excuses for what I did, but sometimes when a person is desperate and they don’t have anything else, they turn to what they can get. And slingin’ was what I knew I could fall back on.”
“So that makes it okay?”
“Nah, and it could never make it okay, and I get that now. I just hope that one day you’ll understand that everybody makes mistakes.”
Tears streamed down my face, but there was no way I could fold. Zaire kissed the tears from my cheeks and whispered, “I will always love you. But if you want me to go, I’ll leave.”
“Please leave.”
Zaire kissed me on my forehead. “Hey, if nothing else, maybe one day we’ll be homies again.” And he walked backwards out of my room, closing the door in front of him. All I could do was sit on the edge of the bed, and before I knew anything I was a bumbling mess.
I was crying so hard that it took me a moment to realize that someone was knocking at the door.
I wiped my face and said, “Come in.”
“Seven?” It was Josiah and at that moment I knew I’d had enough for one day, and to think it wasn’t even noon.
“What is it?”
“I just came to kick it to you for a minute. Were you crying?”
“Look, Josiah,” I sniffed, “I really don’t have the time to deal with the nonsense. I know you heard what happened, so whatever, it is what it is.”
“Yeah, I heard what happened.”
“And what? You came to rub it in? Say ‘I told you so’?”
“No, I came to see how you were feeling.”
“Why?”
“Because I care.”
“Josiah, spare me.”
“Geez, Seven, when are you going to ease up and stop being so hard all the time?”
“When men who claim they love me stop screwing over me!”
“Look, I know I messed up. I did and if I could do everything all over again I would. But I can’t. And for real, you didn’t make things any easier. You never let anything go, you harbor everything inside, and I felt like I was paying for your father’s mistakes; and I’m sure Zaire felt like he was paying for mine.”
“So this is all my fault?”
“No, we’re responsible for our own actions.”
“So what are you trying to say, Josiah? Because I have to go.”
“Look, I just came to check on you, not argue with you. And I know you’re going through a lot right now. But maybe if you learn to forgive and the rest of us work on ourselves too, then maybe we’ll see that there was a lesson in this for all of us.”
I hated that he was right. “Maybe y
ou’re right, Josiah.”
He smiled. “What? Did you say that I may be right?”
I hated that I was snickering a little, but I was. “Yeah, I said it.”
“So if you can admit that, then maybe we could—”
“We can’t do anything, Josiah, but go to class.”
Josiah laughed and stared at me. “You know, Seven, this is the only time I’ll ever say this—”
“And what’s that?”
“That not only did Zaire get a good girl, you had a good dude. Don’t let my mistakes or his one mistake erase everything that you two shared. A’ight? Because when you were with him, it was the happiest I’d seen you in a long time.”
I paused. Josiah had caught me completely off guard. “Yeah …” I bit into my bottom lip. “Maybe … you’re right again.”
30
Take me as I am …
or have nothing at all …
—MARY J. BLIGE, “TAKE ME AS I AM”
Six months later … the last day of the school year ….
“Cousin Shake in the hiz’zouse, baby!” A series of pounds beat against our room door. “Now open up, Fat Mama!”
I peeled my eyes open one at a time and shook my head. Cousin Shake was not supposed to be here until this afternoon, yet here he was banging on my door as if he had lost every bit of his senior-citizen mind.
I tossed the covers off of me and stormed over to the door. “Would you stop being so loud?” I snapped at Cousin Shake, who stood wearing a pair of silver metallic pants and a matching vest with no shirt beneath. He jogged in place and his neck full of multicolored Mardi Gras beads slapped up and down against the taco meat on his chest.
Yuck! “Why are you here so early?”
“You opened that door like you wanted to do somethin’, Fat Mama? Huh?” He lunged his chest at me and immediately pulled himself back. “If you wanna do somethin’, then busta move.”
“Cousin Shake—”
“Ain’t nothin’ to it, but to do it. I dare ya.”
“I am not scared of you,” I said. “I fight old people.”
“And I beat kids. So what-what.”