by T Gray
SHATTERED
ROSE
T. L. GRAY
Copyright © 2012 Tammy Gray
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1482584352
ISBN-13: 978-1482584356
CONTENTS
Preface
3
1
Apartment 204
5
2
Jake
28
3
Failure
49
4
Zip Line
65
5
Unfortunate Truths
76
6
Pushing Limits
91
7
Heartache
101
8
Glimmer of Joy
113
9
Vortex
127
10
Parker
147
11
Thanksgiving
160
12
After Party
179
13
Moment of Weakness
207
14
Gas Station Scavenger Hunt
222
15
Going Home
238
16
Just One Night
253
17
Telling Secrets
264
18
New Year’s
284
19
The Aftermath
305
20
Guilt
319
21
Caught
343
22
Truth
364
23
Clarity
378
Epilogue
389
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A special thanks to Kristina Krause of Renzenradish Photography for allowing me to use her beautiful rose photograph for the cover art.
To my brother, Josh Webb, of Root Radius, thank you so much for giving me the courage to self publish and for designing the amazing cover for my book, along with providing all the media marketing I needed.
To Brandon Hixson for my book trailer video, thank you so much. Your talent and professionalism is remarkable.
To my friends and family who helped make my dream become a reality, especially my sister, Angel, my aunt, Nancy and cousin, Katy who all painstakingly edited each word, offering guidance along the way
To my favorite cheerleaders, Angie and Tonya, thanks so much for all your encouragement and belief in me; it made all the difference.
To my wonderful husband and children, thanks for suffering through the fast food dinners and lack of laundry so I could pour my heart and soul into this book.
Finally, to my best friend, Sara, who has taken this journey with me for nineteen years and whose steadfast faith in me gave me the courage to overcome.
PREFACE
My heart pulsated in my chest, straining to sustain its normal function. Nothing made sense; nothing was in focus. I sat down, hoping to somehow end the crushing pain consuming my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I once valued and held true, I had discarded without any regard for the consequences. I could feel the numbness stretch over my shaking body, leaving me cold and empty, but my mind wouldn’t stop. Thoughts of him were frozen in permanent rewind, reminding me over and over again of how much I had failed.
How did I get here? How did I let the chains get so tight they were crippling every part of my body, dragging me further and further into this pit? I could hear the screaming in my head, begging me to let the noise out, but I just sat there, unable to move, trapped in a silent prison of my own making. The truth glared at me, mocking me for denying it for so long. I was living a lie, existing in a shell of self-delusion. I had become nothing…and he knew it.
I felt the bench shift slightly and a warm hand covered mine. Looking up through my tears, I saw warmth and compassion in the eyes of a stranger. Finally, I could focus and even hear what was going on around me. The words came, drifting slowly in the air, and penetrated the very depth of my heart.
“Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”
The words rolled around in my head and suddenly there was a spark of something I felt deep down. I had forgotten the feeling as it had been so long since I’d felt anything other than despair, but it was there…hope, just a glimmer, but hope all the same.
“Dear Lord, I may not know who she is yet, but until that day, I pray your hand never leaves her side. I pray that you sustain her when she is in the transitions of her life and guide her on the path you’ve chosen for her…”
1. APARTMENT 204
Four Months Earlier…
I hated change. Totally detested it usually, but not today. Even though change for me meant I was hauling all my meager belongings, currently packed floor to ceiling in my Toyota Corolla, to yet another residence in less than two weeks. I refused to complain, though. Truth was, I would have moved for days if it meant the same end result…my first apartment.
I put the last box in the front seat and took a deep breath as I turned to look at the institutional building that had been my first real home away from home. Apart from some nostalgia, I didn’t have any fond memories of the tiny two-person room and community bathroom. It represented someone I was leaving behind; someone I’d never be again.
I sat in my car, ready to leave the parking lot for the last time, wondering how I was even the same person who was dropped here just one year ago. I remembered the day I told my mom I wanted to go to Winsor, a small private college located twenty miles outside of Asheville, North Carolina.
She looked at the brochure and said, “Do you realize it’s nine hours away from here?” I didn’t tell her at the time that the distance was part of the appeal, but I think she knew. I had never been close to my family. They too represented a life I wanted to bury.
I drove across campus and smiled. Winsor was exceptionally beautiful. Apart from the addition of a new medical school and veterinarian school, the area around the campus remained relatively undeveloped. Its beauty was a double-edge sword in some respects, because the raw land was the very reason I had been stuck in archaic dorms to begin with. Residential units around the university were scarce and very expensive, so unless you wanted to commute from Asheville each day, dorms and campus apartments were our only options.
I shook my head when I thought of how naïve I had been at freshman orientation when I requested a room in the campus apartments. The counselor just laughed, put my name in the lottery and said, “Good luck with that.” Needless to say, I didn’t get a room, and since my scholarship required on-campus housing, I was doomed to spend four years with no freedom or privacy, a fate I had accepted…until now.
The call came in yesterday informing me of an opening in University Apartments. The lady on the other line didn’t even finish her sentence before I yelled, “I want it!”
The apartment was home to three girls who had managed to get it their freshmen year. Most likely, they had influential parents who made a few calls. I pushed aside a feeling of annoyance as I thought about how much easier the process would be for the rest of us if people didn’t cheat the system. It worked in my favor, though, because one of them dropped all her classes this year and left the campus, leaving the university to find a replacement tenant four days before classes started.
I couldn’t
imagine why the girl would leave so suddenly. Going home after living on my own for a year would be unthinkable. Ok, well almost on my own. I did spend the last year sharing a room with a manic sorority girl who talked non-stop about boys and clothes, but thankfully, she was gone most nights
I shook my head, putting the memory far behind me. The sky was a perfect blue today, full of sunshine and promise for this new year. Coming back to school my sophomore year felt empowering. This was my domain. I knew the school, the professors, even which bathrooms to avoid in the library. The fear and anxiety of my freshmen year had passed and all that remained was familiarity and assurance.
Parking my car, I felt nervous and excited all at the same time. “Here it goes.”
The apartment was on the second floor, three doors down from the stairs and on the left…204. I couldn’t help but smile. The feeling of freedom that stayed ever elusive in my world, finally felt tangible.
The letter from the housing department felt crisp and sturdy in my hand. How could one piece of paper mean so much? I was in room C. Room A belonged to Kaitlyn Summers and room B belonged to Naomi Bennett who was currently on exchange to Portugal. Grabbing my key and laptop bag, I took the stairs two at a time, ever so eager to see my new home.
The apartments were located in close proximity to the campus lake and right next to fraternity row, a street lined with beautiful mansions, immaculate landscaping, and large oak trees that had survived a hundred years of development.
My pulse quickened a little as I lightly knocked. No answer. I felt my lungs deflate. I wasn’t expecting a welcome party or anything, but I did feel a little disappointed no one was home. The apartment was fairly clean, a few dishes in the sink and in the living room, but nothing unbearable. The furnishings weren’t bad; you could tell the University tried to bring in a contemporary feel. I ran my hand along the large brown and tan micro suede sectional sofa as I walked through the room and set my bag down on the cast iron end table that flanked the couch.
It would have felt much like a waiting room if not for the most outrageous loveseat I’d ever seen, sticking out like an eyesore. It was bright red and in the shape of lips, with the seat being the bottom lip and the back of it, the top lip. The fuzzy upholstery probably came complete with a lint brush. My laughter echoed in the room as I wondered which roommate purchased that thing.
I sat down on the lips, rubbing my hands over the fabric, and realized how much it clashed with my own style—simple and relatively plain. I had an unhealthy affection for solid colors and was rarely seen in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt or running attire.
I glanced over to the kitchen. It was pretty standard—white appliances and Formica countertops. No dining table, but at least we had a bar.
The apartment wasn’t large, so it was pretty easy to find the room marked C. The other two bedrooms were shut, but that was probably a good thing. Snooping in someone’s room was not the best way to make a good first impression.
I unlocked my door and could swear I stepped right back into the dorm. The walls were cinderblock and painted white. A small double bed was pushed against the far wall, and a petite dresser and desk sat to my left. The entrance to the bathroom was on the right. I smiled. It was quant…shower, sink, and toilet, but it was all mine. I inched to the window to see if my luck continued, and it did. In front of me were two large trees parted just enough to see the sun glistening off the campus lake. I pulled up the blinds to let the sun fill my room and basked in my good fortune. I was happier and healthier than I had been in years.
Grabbing my cell phone, I plopped on my bed, and dialed my best friend. I had known Cara since middle school, and she was one of the few people in the world I trusted. All through high school we had planned to go to the University of Georgia together. The campus was located only a few hours from our hometown. However, part of me always knew I wanted to get out of Georgia and try something new. When my Winsor scholarship came through, the decision was pretty easy to make. Distance didn’t seem to affect our closeness, though…I guess kindred spirits are designed that way.
“Hello?”
“Guess where I am?” I asked, my voice giving away the answer.
“Um, could it be your new apartment? Or have you come to your senses, decided we had way too much fun this summer and have transferred to UGA?”
“I wish. Tell the administration to give me an alumni scholarship, and I’m there.” That wasn’t entirely true, but I had learned with people that sometimes less is more, and I rarely let anyone know exactly what I was thinking…even Cara.
“Anyway, Yes, I am in my new room, complete with my very own bathroom. I also got a room overlooking the lake. Someone seriously needs to pinch me. Oh, you would not believe the loveseat in the living room. I’m going to text you a picture as soon as we get off the phone.”
“Sounds lovely. So, have you met any hot neighbors who are just dying to help you move all your stuff in…without shirts on of course?” she teased.
“You are officially boy crazy. No, in fact I haven’t met anyone yet, not even my new roommate.”
“Are you nervous? I mean, are you feeling anything we should talk about?”
I wasn’t surprised Cara asked me that question. I had had some struggles peak last year, and let the pressure of maintaining my grades get the best of me. In a moment of full disclosure, I opted to tell Cara about my issues, but had since wondered if sharing had been a mistake.
“Cara, I’m fine. I haven’t even thought about it. You don’t need to worry.” I was lying, but didn’t want to start a long conversation about decisions that weren’t even a factor today. Today was all about the future…not the past.
“Ok, but I do worry, and I want you to know I’m here for you if it becomes a temptation again. You got it?” She was stern, but I knew it was because she cared. I felt very lucky to have a friend like her.
“I got it. I promise. Ok, I have to go. I left all my things in the car, and it’s going to get dark soon. I’ll call you later.” I pressed END on my cell phone and headed back out the door.
Seven trips later, I was pulling the last box out of my car, the heaviest one, of course. My legs were burning and screaming at me about having a second floor apartment. It seemed crazy that something like stairs could wind me so much when I ran at least three miles a day. I could almost hear Cara’s voice in my head, “Running is not strength training, and skinny doesn’t mean strong. You need to put some meat on your bones.” I couldn’t help it, though. I loved to run. It was my retreat. A place where I could clear my head and everything seemed to make sense. Often, I was my own worst enemy, analyzing and re-analyzing everything around me, but when I ran, I felt invincible.
Then the unthinkable happened as I daydreamed. I missed the first step sending me sprawling forward as the box slammed into the staircase. In my attempt to recover myself, my exposed shin slid across the concrete step making me wince in pain. I somehow got to my feet and watched as the box bounced down the stairs, hitting the ground with a thud.
“Hey there, need some help?” I heard footsteps approach me from behind. Cara must have seen the future because I turned, and two attractive men approached me in running shorts and very bare, muscular chests.
“I’m ok,” I assured them, turning my head away so they wouldn’t see me blushing. I was so awkward around guys. It was annoying.
The one with light brown hair and matching eyes grabbed the box easily off the ground while the other, the more attractive one of the two, eyed me appreciatively. He was the first one to notice I was now bleeding. “I think you may need to put something on that,” he noted walking up to me. “I’m Aaron. This here is Danny. You must be new here.” He said the words as if he knew every woman that lived in the building, but then again, he was looking at me as if he already knew me too…in the biblical sense.
Danny laughed as he adjusted the box in his arms. “Don’t mind my roommate; he has no manners. What apartment are you in?”
His words allowed me break the eye hold Aaron had on me as I turned to look up the stairs. “204. You really don’t have to. I can get it.”
“Nonsense,” he said as he navigated up the stairs. I followed behind him, trying not to fidget, as I felt Aaron’s eyes glaring into my backside. My shorts weren’t that short, but I still wondered how grotesque my legs looked from behind. With each step, I felt my insecurity get more and more extreme. I hated when anyone looked at my body.
I opened the door for them and Danny set down the box on top of the coffee table. He seemed to look around the apartment as if he was searching for someone. “Is your roommate home?” he asked nonchalantly.
“No, I actually haven’t met her yet. Do you know her?” I replied as I walked them back out to the hall.
Aaron snorted. “He wishes.”
Danny seemed to get embarrassed and hit his friend.
“Well, thanks for helping me.”
Danny seemed to hesitate and then shyly offered, “We’re in apartment 315. Y’all are welcome to come by tonight. We’re having some friends over.”
Aaron leaned his hand against the frame, looking from the top of my head down the length of my body. I didn’t know how it was possible to feel so violated without even a touch, but I did. “You should definitely come...um?” Then he raised his eyebrows as a way to ask my name.
I hugged myself, wishing I had something to cover my tank top. “Avery. I’ll think about it,” I said, hoping they would leave soon. I wasn’t going anywhere near that apartment.
He winked at me one more time before I saw Danny push him along while he rolled his eyes. “See you around, Avery,” Danny called as he waved.