by T Gray
“Jake, I am being serious. We need a little space.”
“Ah come on, you said you overreacted last night.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So what’s the big deal? I’ve always watched movies with y’all on Sunday nights.”
“Jake, in case you haven’t noticed, Issy doesn’t live here anymore, and people are starting to get the wrong impression about us.”
“Technically, Issy does still live her. But fine, I’ll just stay for an hour, I promise.”
I rolled my eyes and then warned him if he said a word about my movie choice, he was immediately evicted. He agreed whole-heartedly and joined me back on the couch.
Almost two hours into the movie, I felt my stomach growl loud enough that even Jake heard it. “Skip dinner tonight?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, I did. Want some pizza?” I asked as I grabbed my phone to make the order.
“Of course. I never turn down pizza.”
I placed the order and then scowled when they said it would be at least forty-five minutes until they got there.
Jake looked up at me as I rejoined him on the couch. “I have to admit, this is a pretty good movie. I was worried when I saw how long it was.” he said with a grin.
“It is, isn’t it? I know how to pick’em,” I beamed, feeling proud of myself. He shook his head and laughed, pressing play on the DVD player again. He leaned back on the couch and pulled me toward him. I started to resist, but he insisted it was more comfortable that way.
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door and we both jumped.
“That was fast,” I said rushing to my room. “Get the door, and I’ll grab my wallet.”
It took me a while before I found where I had set my purse and I felt guilty knowing the guy was standing out there in the cold. I finally spotted it and started towards the door, pulling out the money as I spoke. “Sorry it took me so long, I couldn’t find my pur…” I looked up and my heart stopped. Standing in front of my closed front door was a stunned Parker and Jake who seemed almost amused.
“It wasn’t the pizza,” Jake said matter-of-factly.
I couldn’t move, and I immediately felt my heart begin to race so fast that I thought I might pass out. Parker took one more look at Jake and then walked past me into my bedroom, glancing my way in the process. His face showed a combination of shock, hurt and anger. What I didn’t see was the usual adoration that I had grown so accustomed to, and I felt a shiver go down my spine. I turned and watched him disappear and then slowly walked towards Jake.
“You should probably go,” I whispered, my body still trembling from the shock.
“I’m not leaving you alone with him,” Jake said sternly, glancing into my bedroom.
“Please Jake, Parker would never hurt me. Just go. I begging you, please, go.”
He must have seen the desperation in my eyes, because he grabbed his keys and started for the door. Before leaving, he turned back around and pulled me towards him, planting a kiss on my forehead. I cringed as he lingered there, his eyes never leaving the door of my bedroom. He finally let go and walked out the door, leaving me to wonder if Parker had just witnessed that scene, which appeared far more intimate than it actually was.
I took a deep breath, and walked towards my bedroom, my heart pounding harder with each step. When I finally got there, Parker had his back towards me and was staring at the wall with his hands on his head. I could see that every muscle in his body was tense and it was more than apparent he was fighting for control.
“Parker, it’s not what you’re thinking.” I closed my eyes as I heard myself speak, remembering how painful those same words had been when Jake said them to me.
Parker didn’t move from his stance, just asked two simple words. “How long?”
I started to get nervous, as I knew he was jumping to the wrong conclusion. “It’s not like that. There’s nothing going on,” I pleaded.
Parker turned around and his face showed an emotion I had never seen before. He was mad…really mad. “How long?” he asked again, his voice getting louder.
When I didn’t answer, he clarified, “How long has it not been what I’m thinking? Huh Avery? How long have you not been hanging out with him ALONE in your apartment, watching movies together in your pajamas and doing God knows what else?” His voice kept getting louder each time I deflected the question, and I felt my hands start to shake as I realized this was a much bigger deal to Parker than I thought it would be.
“We’re just frien…”
“HOW LONG?” I jumped when he yelled and answered before I even had the time register what I was saying.
“Since Issy’s accident,” I whispered.
I saw Parker’s face change as he processed the information. I watched as he relived every conversation, every touch we had had since that night and the magnitude of the betrayal hit me as I watched it hit him. He fell back, sitting on my bed for support. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched the pain on his face.
“I knew something was wrong,” he whispered, his voice quivering a little. “My instincts were screaming at me, but I never imagined it was him.”
His heavy sigh hung in the room and the silence felt crippling. Finally he spoke under his breath, but I had to strain to even hear his voice. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”
I had no idea what he meant, but felt the words must have been significant because he put his head in his hands when he said them. His resigned tone stung at my heart and I reached for his hand, begging, “Parker, please.”
He jumped away from me as if my hand had seared him and walked to the other side of the room. I could see his body shaking, and I felt real panic for the first time that I was going to lose him.
“Why? It just doesn’t make sense after how much he hurt you. Two months ago you couldn’t even be in the same room with him without shaking.” His body was still rigid and his voice still hard, but I could sense the hurt was starting to replace the anger.
“When Issy was in the hospital, we were there for each other, and the past just seemed to disappear,” I explained.
He didn’t like my answer; I could see that right away.
“I wanted to be there for you…tried to be there for you a million times. You pushed me away, wouldn’t talk to me and completely shut me out,” he reminded me, his exasperation resonating across the room.
“I didn’t mean to shut you out, Parker. I just didn’t know how to let you in. He offered friendship, and I took it.”
Parker let out a stunned laugh as if I had lost my mind. “Avery, you can’t be friends with him! And if you believe you can, you’re lying to yourself as much as you are to me. He’s your first love; the only guy you’ve ever had a sexual relationship with.” We both flinched as he said those last words, hurting him almost as much as they did me. I watched him close his eyes as he fought to regain control again.
“Did you even wait five minutes before inviting him over after I said I wasn’t coming back tonight?” he asked after a few seconds of silence.
“I didn’t even know he was coming over. He just showed up.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” His voice was cold and harsh, matching the look in his eyes.
“No!” I yelled, feeling angry at him for the first time.
“It’s a fair question.”
“No, it’s not, and it hurts me that you would even ask me that.”
Parker just shook his head in disgust. “You have no idea,” he scoffed looking away from me again. “Did you kiss him?”
“No. I told you, it wasn’t like that,” I argued, my voice shaking now.
“Well he obviously feels comfortable kissing you, so what am I supposed to think?” he retorted, matching the volume in my voice. It was just as I feared. He had seen Jake kiss me goodbye. I had nothing I could say to that. We stood staring at each other for what felt like an eternity before Parker sat back down on my bed and put his head in his hands
.
I walked over to him again and kneeled down in front of his legs, careful not to touch him this time. He looked up and his eyes were glassy. The anger seemed to be gone and all that registered was hurt and pain.
“I won’t share you,” he whispered, his eyes piercing me.
“You’re not,” I pleaded, once again trying to make him understand.
“You don’t get it, Avery. Every moment you give to him is a moment that is ripped away from us. I am the one you should turn to when you’re hurting…not him. And the idea that I only get half of you because you’ve given the other half to him makes me sick! Can’t you see that?” His voice was getting louder again as I saw the anger start to return. He paused, but didn’t take his eyes off of me. “You can’t sit on the fence, Avery. I won’t take less than all of you. I wont move forward until I know we are on the same page.”
He said what I always knew to be true and what I feared one day he would ask for. I hung my head, not knowing how to respond. I felt his hand on my chin as he tilted my head up to look at him.
“Why can’t you let him go?” he asked painfully, his voice catching when he did.
I felt the tears flow freely as I whispered back, “I don’t know.”
He let go of my chin and stood. Before I even realized what was happening, I saw him grab his keys and head for the door.
“Wait Parker, you’re not leaving are you?” I asked feeling a panic so severe it almost paralyzed me.
He opened the door to the apartment right as the pizza guy was about to knock. I saw his body go stiff and then he turned around to me, his mannerisms so cold and distant that I almost didn’t recognized him. “I guess your pizza’s here.”
Seconds later he was gone, and my body was crushed with an emptiness exceeding any I had ever felt before.
“Lord, I pray you draw her to you. I pray that she may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is your love for her…”
22. TRUTH
I couldn’t seem to move from the bed as I replayed our conversation over and over in my head, reliving every word, every image and every touch. He was gone, and I had no one to blame but myself. I had once again succeeded in pushing another person away who demanded more from me than I was willing to give.
The smell of the pizza consumed the apartment, and I felt my stomach growl. I was still hungry, but knew without question that if I took even one bite I wouldn’t stop until I had purged all of it, hoping the emotion would go with it. As much as it appealed to me, I knew it wouldn’t help. This ache was impossible to comfort.
I thought back to the first time I ever decided to try throwing up and shook my head. How naive I had been. It was a regional cross country meet and we were all staying in a hotel the night before. They had a big buffet for us with lots of pastas and carbs for us to load up on. I ate what the other girls ate, but kept hearing my mom’s voice in my head telling me how bad pasta was for me. Almost out of spite, I ate more than I needed and felt uncomfortably full.
While the rest of the team was still in the lobby flirting with the boys, I snuck up to the room I had been assigned. I tried lying on my bed to ease the fullness, but it didn’t help. I had recently read an article in Food Magazine that gave statistics on how many girls suffered from eating disorders. While the numbers were concerning, I still wondered if it really worked. There had to be a reason so many girls did it.
I shook my head, remembering clearly the minute I decided that I was going to try it. I wish someone had told me what I was getting into. I wish the article had said, “Stop, this is bondage!” I wish I knew then what I know now—that choosing this path would be the biggest regret of my life.
I heard my phone buzz and quickly reached for it, hoping for the best. I felt my chest heave in disappointment when I saw it was Jake.
“Are you ok?” he texted.
“I’m fine.”
“Can I come over?”
“No.”
I didn’t give any more information, even when he asked please. I just told him I would see him tomorrow. I felt numb and had no ability to deal with another confrontation, especially one with Jake, because he always seemed to jumble my good sense. I stood up, suddenly feeling the need to pace, as unease hit me again. The smell of the pizza was getting overwhelming and I could feel the temptation start to surface.
I decided I would take a shower; it always helped to ease the panic, but stopped when I passed my desk and saw a large manila envelop on it. I slowly picked it up, trying to recall where it came from. I vaguely remembered seeing Parker with something in his hand at the door, but dismissed it as soon as I saw his face.
I turned it over and opened the clasp, pulling out an eight by ten photograph. It had been printed on a hard backing and my breath caught the minute I looked at it. The background was pitch black at the bottom, and starting from the top was a close up of rose petals, at least four layers of them. The petals were crisp white, but showed signs of wear and tear as small lines encroached across their delicate surface. On each one, sat multiple water droplets, each a perfect circle, catching the light beautifully and making each petal more vibrant than I had ever seen before.
I slowly reached for the rose pendant around my neck and knew he found this picture just for me. I turned it over to see if the photographer was listed, but instead found a note on the back, written in Parker’s masculine handwriting.
Avery,
I found this picture the other day after our talk and knew I had to get it for you. I know sometimes you wonder why I feel the way I do about you, when you are still learning to love yourself. You said you were flawed and damaged, but my love, we all are. The storms in your life don’t make you less than perfect; they make you beautiful and full of character, with the ability to use all you’ve learned to impact the rest of the world. I’ve been wishing for months there was a way you could see yourself through my eyes. Well, here it is. This is how I see you, and the rain has only made you more breathtaking.
All my love,
Parker
I stared at the note and read it again and again, unable to pull my eyes from his words. Devastation gripped me as I crumpled to the floor, still holding the last remnant of Parker’s unconditional love for me. I had taken it all for granted, treated it with so little respect, when in reality, it had been my life force.
I eyed the pizza box again and could almost feel it drawing me toward it. Suddenly, I was consumed by emotion, and instantly felt nothing but contempt for the square box. It fueled me with unrecognized determination as a grabbed it fiercely, storming through the front door and out to the dumpster. It was as if I could physically feel the chains falling way from me as moved.
Fury enveloped my body like a blanket, and I took out all the rage I had buried on both the pizza box and the metal dumpster.
The sounds of my fists echoed through the night as I cursed myself for being such a coward. But it was more than myself I was angry at, and rage gripped me as I cursed my mom for every “helpful” comment she had ever made, cursed my father for making me feel that my sister was the pretty one and all I could offer was an education, cursed Issy for drinking so much and never caring the impact it had on all of us, cursed Jake for how he hurt and betrayed me, yet refused to go away so I could get on with my life, and finally, I cursed Parker for always demanding so much more than wanted to give, for making me see life differently which meant the status quo no longer satisfied me.
I kicked and slammed at the dumpster until exhaustion took hold and every emotion I had ever pretended didn’t exist, was left exposed on the concrete. I kicked it one more time for good measure and stalked back to my apartment, feeling somehow vindicated.
Several people had come out of their apartment, no doubt to ascertain the source of the pounding I just had given the dumpster. I didn’t care and didn’t offer an explanation as I walked past them to my apartment. I was done caring what everyone else thought. Done being the “Avery” everyone el
se wanted me to be. I walked by my mirror on the way back to my room. I looked different, even with the tear-streaked face, red nose and cheeks from the cold, and wild hair that went everywhere. I smiled at my appearance, finding the humor in my madness and knew it was true…I was going to decide what I wanted for MY life, no one else.
The morning came with a renewed sense of determination, as I hurried through getting ready for the day. I texted Russell that I would be in to take the morning sample, but was only staying long enough to do so. I also texted him that I would continue to help until Dr. Davis could reassign me to the structures department for work-study, but that he should start to look for a replacement.
“I knew you’d flake out on me again,” he responded. “Don’t worry about this morning, I’ve got it.” It was a text message, but I could still hear the judgment in his words.
Where I would normally feel guilty or bad about myself, I just felt relieved. Now I could take care of what was really important.
I got in my car and headed north towards the Pisgah National Forest, feeling more and more conviction with each mile. My phone started buzzing, but I turned it off without even looking to see who the call was from.
The building looked exactly the same as it had when Jake took me here months ago, but I realized as I drove up how different I had become since that day. I was lonely and scared, and Jake offered all that I wanted in one beautiful smile. I parked my car and headed to the entrance. This was where I fell in love with him, and I knew it the minute my foot stepped off the platform that day.
The guys behind the counter shot me a smile when I entered the small building and asked if they could help me.
“I was wondering if I could go on a couple of the lines. Maybe go out for an hour or so?” I asked, getting my purse ready to pay for the adventure.
“I remember you, now. You’re Jake’s girl. Sure, I’ll take you myself,” he beamed, and I smiled back thinking the irony of those words were almost too much.