by Amy Daws
“Honestly, I don’t know why you waited three years to admit it to yourself.” Her brown eyes flash with challenge.
I bite my lip, feeling sadness envelope me. “It wasn’t that easy after I lost you.”
“Why the hell not?”
Gazing down, I reply, “You built me up in Oxford, Marisa. I’d never had a true friend before and you made feel special. Loved. But, you loved me for who I was—not just because I existed. You actually picked me to be your friend, you know?”
“‘Course I did! I have excellent taste.” She flashes a megawatt smile at me and I can’t help but half smile at her in response. “So if I did such a top notch job building you up, why have you been such a mess the past three years?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I say, painfully aware of what’s coming.
“Say the words, Rey. Scream it if you have to!”
I swallow down the painful knot in my throat and blink away the fresh tears collecting in my eyes. “‘I’m sorry’ sounds trivial at this point. The reality is, I fucking spit in all the beauty you gave me! You were great and kind and loved me. Like, really loved me! You were my rescue ship and I repaid you by sleeping with the man you were in love with! I’m fucked up. I’m not right. I’m sick! After all of that, how couldn’t I just fall apart?”
“There. Feel better?”
“What?”
“You got it off your chest. Now stop harping about what you did. Do you not remember any of my rants from back at University? We do not conform. We take our soapbox and we shout our convictions until we’ve convinced everyone around us of our stance and why it is important. Now suck it up and open your damn eyes, Rey.” She grips my cheeks in her hands firmly and says with wide, serious eyes, “And please see that I wasn’t the only one loving you in Oxford.” I look at her incredulously as an image of Liam appears beyond her.
She nods knowingly, releasing my face. “And I also wasn’t the only one building you up either.”
My heart lurches at the sight of my mother stroking lovingly on her large, taut belly. That orby sensation I get every time my sisters appear in my dreams clouds my vision. “What do you mean, Marisa?”
“You’ve always felt close to them for a reason, Reyna. That wasn’t by accident. They gave you what they could because they loved you. They believed in you so much they gifted you with their entire lives. Don’t waste it, ma lady.”
Emotions overcome me and hot tears slip down my cheeks. “This is overwhelming,” I say gazing up into the sky above me. “What if I’ve pushed him too hard, Marisa? What if he doesn’t love me like that anymore and I wrecked any chance we had?”
She shakes her head and stands up, pointing down to the nonexistent ground below us. “Do not sink down to mediocrity, ma lady,” her voice rises in declaration prepping for another one of her epic ranks. Clouds billow up around her dramatically as she continues, “You must shoot for greatness! You’re marked now. Be the badass your ink portrays you to be. You are finally beginning to love yourself for what we’ve always seen in you. This is only the beginning!”
After waking from my dream in the middle of the night, I was completely unable to get back to sleep. I thought I would have spent the night bawling my eyes out and slipping into a depression to rival all other depressions. Instead, as the sun rose, so did my determination. As I sipped coffee from my balcony and watched the gray London dawn emerge, I reveled in the fact that Marisa was still able to inspire me even after her death. I guess that death doesn’t always mean the end for everyone. Sometimes, the spirit of someone special is only the beginning.
All night my mind was reeling with ideas for what I could do next to win Liam back. I had rejected him time and time again, so it was expected that he had his guard up. The painful words he spewed at me last night were horrid…but true. My time in therapy was proving all of that. But this couldn’t be the end for us.
Already, I’ve impressed myself with my renewed strength. After Frank pulled me up off the hallway floor of Cirque le Soir, he offered to spend the night, but I refused. I didn’t want to use Frank as a Hayden security blanket replacement for when things got rough in my life. I wanted to deal with this heartache on my own. The fact that Frank looked like he wanted to chase after Liam with a broken Ginge on Top beer bottle and shank him in the neck only made me smile. Frank loved Liam, so if he was so ferociously mad at Liam’s decision, maybe all hope wasn’t lost.
First order of business was making amends for everyone I’ve fucked over. Frank’s words about Liam just living his life as a bystander these last few years broke my heart. He took a risk when he asked me to go with him to Cambridge for the weekend, and I only spit in his face as a thank you. Then the kicks just kept on coming when I left there. The worst part about healing is finding all the massive battle scars left behind.
Dressed head to toe in black, I clamber off the train in East London. Facing Hayden’s brother, Theo, scares me. A lot. He and I have never talked much…ever really. I knew he and Marisa were really close growing up and I think we both avoided each other for that very reason. It was just too painful.
But Theo is Liam’s best friend. If I can get him to see how very real my feelings are for Liam, then I can get anyone to see. Theo probably associates me with the same fucked-upness Hayden is. But that’s not me anymore. I need him to see that I’ve changed. If he does, then maybe I’ll have a chance with Liam.
I reach the white industrial building that Theo lives in. It’s a two-story building with a single stall garage door, a workshop, an office, and up above is Theo’s flat. A shiver runs through as I recall that this is where Leslie found Hayden that night nearly three weeks ago. My how life has changed in such a short span of time.
The storefront part of the office is closed, so I press the buzzer and wait. I see Theo through the window planing a large coffee table of some sort. He stops when he hears the buzzer and adjusts his black-rimmed glasses. His buzzed head tilts as his eyes zero in on me.
A moment later, he opens the door. “Reyna?” he asks. “What are you doing here?”
“Hi, um, Theo,” I stammer. “I wondered if you might have time to chat?” I look down at my black boots nervously.
“Right, yeah. Come on in.” He holds the door open and I follow him into his work studio. He gestures toward a tall stool and I sit on it. His large arms cross over his chest and he eyes me warily.
“You know Hayden doesn’t get out for another week, right?”
I swallow and nod. “How’s he doing?” I look up and see his pale brown eyes staring at me sadly.
“He’s doing quite well, all things considered. Making good progress it seems.”
“That’s good. I’ve wanted to get in touch, but Daphney said it wasn’t possible.”
“Yeah, I think it’s just best if he doesn’t do things on his own for now.”
I nod and feel an emotional knot form in my throat. “Listen, Theo, I don’t want to beat around the bush. I hope you know that I really do care about your brother. I want him to get better. I have made huge strides recently in getting better myself.”
Theo drops his chin and nods, “That’s a good start.”
“But, I’m not here today to talk about Hayden and I suspect you already know that.” I stare him right in the eyes, shoving down all the nerves and anxiety I feel in this moment.
His serious face morphs into humor as he huffs out a laugh, “You’ve got bloody nerve, I’ll give you that.” Theo presses his tongue to the side of his cheek, as if attempting to reign in his reply. “Look, Liam is my best mate. I’ve watched him struggle a lot the last few years…and not in an obvious way, like my brother. Liam is a good person. He doesn’t deserve half of what life has dealt him. I can’t sit by and watch you turn him into Hayden.”
My jaw drops. “Fuck off, Theo! You can’t blame me for your brother. Hayden and I were there for each other. We were friends. Yes, we made poor ass decisions, but we did them as adults. Hayden made his own ch
oice and I’m making mine.”
“And you’re telling me you choose Liam? Is that it?” Theo’s eyebrows rise in challenge. “What happens when my brother gets out of rehab?”
“I will do everything in my power to help Hayden…even if that means leaving him the hell alone.” The words uttered out of my mouth burn on my tongue, but I know there’s no other way. Theo stares stonily at me, not revealing any shred of emotion, like one of those pathetic lions in Trafalgar Square. Fucking British.
“As far as making a choice, there was never a contest,” I continue, “You have no clue what Liam and I were…what we still can be! I fucked up. For three damn years I fucked up. I can’t take that back. But my feelings are real and major and if there’s even a shred of hope for me with Liam, then I’m going to fight for it.”
Theo tilts his head to the side. “What do you need from me then? You seem well-equipped.”
I laugh at the smirk playing on his lips. “Can I count on your vote then?”
He nods subtly. “I’ll see what I can do. I’m sick of the whiny bugger myself. So if you two could get bloody sorted, it’d be a load off my arse. I just hope you’re prepared for battle.”
I most definitely am.
Just as I’m walking past the White Swan Pub, my cell buzzes in my pocket. My heart lurches when I see Liam’s name illuminate my screen.
“Hello?” I answer, trying to squelch the scream of excitement in my heart.
“I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to bloody work, Rey,” Liam groans.
I duck into the alley behind the pub and lean against the brick wall. The cadence of his voice moves me to close my eyes and picture his gorgeous mouth. “Hello to you too, Liam. I think this is the first time we’ve actually spoken on the phone since Oxford.”
“Rey, I mean it. Just leave my friends out of this, alright? Especially Theo. And Frank. I don’t need to hear it from the both of them.”
“Liam,” I start, schooling my voice to sound stony serious. “I’m just getting started. You slung a lot of shit at me last night. Shit I deserved. But now it’s out of your system. You have to just—”
“I don’t have to do anything, Rey!” he cuts me off. “I have to bloody protect myself from the likes of you. Stay the fuck out of my life. And away from my mates. I mean it.”
“I’m just trying to get you to see, Liam. We can do this. We can make this work.”
“We can’t, Rey. You’re just somebody I used to know, that’s it.”
“Now who’s the liar?” I ask, my voice rising in challenge. “At least I’m admitting my lies now.”
Silence stretches out before us. Eventually Liam replies, “Leave it, Rey. I mean it.”
The line clicks dead and I pull my lip into my mouth, chewing nervously. Anxiety prickles down my spine, but I know I have to follow through with Plan B next.
I knew that calling Betha and Alden Darby out of the blue was a risk. It had major potential for just pissing Liam the fuck off even further. Not to mention, very likely estranging people that were incredibly important to Liam. But I had to do it. I felt compelled to do it. Liam acting this way scared me. Perhaps I messed him up even more than I even thought possible.
So the next day, I took it as a sign from Marisa when good old Google revealed Liam’s parent’s phone number in Kent. As I waited for one of them to pick up, I couldn’t help but picture them at that pub back in Oxford, sipping beers and slinging cards. The two of them were at the Oxford graduation, but I was too angry at the world to even say hello to them.
It’s never too late to say “I’m Sorry,” right?
“Hullo?” Alden’s voice croaks through the phone line.
“Hi, is this Mr. Darby?” I ask politely.
“Yes, bloody hell,” the phone muffles as I hear Liam’s dad shout, “Betha…it’s a bloody telemarketer from America again. Probably selling something. Should I tell them to get stuffed?”
“Alden!” I shout into the phone as I hear it muffle again.
Alden’s voice is deep and firm. “Listen here you, we didn’t need double glazing during the war and we certainly don’t bloody need it now. Take your windows and get stuffed.”
“Alden!” I exclaim, trying my hardest not to laugh, “It’s Reyna Miller. From Oxford. I’m a friend of Liam’s.”
“Oh, bloody hell love, why didn’t you say so?”
I let out a laugh, “I meant to. Sorry. I was um…just calling to see how you are?”
“Are you the one with the tattoos?”
I purse my lips. “I am.”
“You knew how to play Cribbage!” he roars happily.
“I did. Do you and Betha still play a lot?”
“Every night at tea. And we try to whenever Liam gets home, too. Though that’s not as often as his mum would like. Do you still play?”
“I don’t have anyone to play with I’m afraid. Though I’ve run into Liam recently back here in London. Perhaps I can convince him.”
“I’m bloody certain you can! He always had designs for you I think.”
“Did he?” I ask hopefully, chewing my lip nervously.
“Yeah…pity what happened to your mate, Marisa. Sorry to hear about all that, love. We wanted to come to the funeral, but Betha was still recovering from her knee surgery. She was bloody useless and I still had to push her around in a wheelchair at graduation if you recall. How have you been getting on?”
A moment of pain slices through me at the memory of avoiding them at the Oxford graduation ceremony. “I’m doing better these days, thanks. If Betha is close, I’d love to say hello.”
“She is, I’ll pass her over. Nice talking. You take care, love.”
“You too, Alden.”
I can vaguely make out a muffled conversation happening between the two of them. God, I love how utterly normal they are. I can almost picture their oak wooden table with a Cribbage board as the main centerpiece even though I’ve never even been to their house.
“Reyna love, it’s been years!” Betha’s voice sings into the line. “Alden and I still have a laugh recalling that day we got pissed at that pub you took us to when we visited Oxford all those years ago.”
I conceal a fond smile so I can speak my peace. “That was a lovely day. I’m sorry it’s been so long since we’ve spoken, Mrs. Darby. I suppose I’m calling to make amends. You two were so sweet to me. I’m afraid I just never fully appreciated it back then.”
“Call me Betha, dear and you hush. What you children went through back then was positively wretched.”
“It was, but it still doesn’t mean I don’t owe you an apology.”
“Apology? Whatever for?” her voice peals straight into my heart.
I swallow before replying, “I could be way off base here, but I just want to apologize for not being a good friend to your son. Liam was nothing but wonderful to me. He was even more wonderful to Marisa. He was in pain, just as I was…more even. I wasn’t there for him. I pushed him away because I’m not good at letting people in and that’s my fault. Not his. He didn’t deserve it. He deserved so much more, Betha. He’s a wonderful, wonderful, man. He…he deserves all the best in the world. I just…I wanted you to know that I guess.”
Betha’s voice catches, “My, my dear. You sound as if—”
“I sound as if I’m sorry. That’s all. And I’m sorry for ignoring you and Alden at graduation. That wasn’t right of me either. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, love.”
I smile. “I’m glad to hear that. Perhaps if you and Alden ever visit Liam in London, I can be your fourth?”
“We’ll bring the board,” she says, her voice still in a state of awe and shock. “Take care my love.”
“Take care.”
I smile, hanging up. Even if nothing ever comes of Liam and me, I’ll never regret that phone call for as long as I live.
The next day, when I hear nothing from Liam, my hear
t begins to sink. All day at work, I stared at my phone and nothing. I wanted to call him myself, but the familiar self-loathing in me is strong. It’s telling me that if he’s not calling to chew me out, then he doesn’t care anymore. Maybe he’s actually given up on me. I even try to fool myself with the idea that we weren’t ever anything special. Nothing is all we ever were.
When I cry myself to sleep that night, no inspirational dreams come to me. No signs of hope from Marisa. No orby feelings of connection from my sisters.
Just deep, drugging darkness.
I wake with a jolt to the sound of my flat buzzer going off over and over and over. My eyes are swollen and tender from crying most of the night. “What the hell?” I gasp, glancing at the clock to see it’s just after five in the morning.
My door buzzer blasts again and I launch myself off my bed, pulling down my black T-shirt to cover my bare ass. I dash to the kitchen and yank open the floor-length window. I step out onto the wrought iron balcony to see who’s buzzing at this time. Leaning over the railing, my stomach roils at the sight of Liam standing there in the gray, London dawn. He’s dressed in jeans and a loose T-shirt with his head pressed against the wall in slumped defeat.
“Liam?” I croak, my voice dry and hoarse from all the tears I’ve shed.
His head snaps to attention and he swerves to look up at me. Even from four stories up, I see agony swirling in his eyes. “You called my parents, Rey.” His voice sounds like a pained cry.
“I’m sorry, Liam. I just…had things to say to them,” I offer helplessly. “What are you doing here?” I ask into the quiet corner of my street, my heart soaring with hope.
“I don’t want it to be for nothing, Rey,” he says simply. His face is tear-streaked and tired, like he hasn’t slept all night. “What we were back then…it can’t all be for nothing.”
My chin trembles as the desperation in his gaze mirrors my own. “Come up. Come up!” I cry, and rush into my flat to press the buzzer. I run to the bathroom and shakily brush my teeth, all the while yanking a hairbrush through my tangled dark locks. I’m focusing on the menial tasks before me instead of the screaming avalanche of optimism raging inside my heart.