by Diane Farr
Profile of This Man:
He looks good in a suit,
He understands his place,
For whatever reason, he gets your family dynamics,
He has money, or wit, or style but is missing two of these three.
As an Aside: “No, we're not dating, that's my semi-annual boyfriend. Don't you remember him from the Christmas party last year…he owns that great tux.”
SEEING-IMPAIRED DATE
Different from a blind date, this is a guy you already know, but when you met him your beer goggles were so thick that you're no longer sure what he looks like. Your fears include seeing what he looks like now, as well as seeing what you were thinking then.
Necessary Precautions May Include:
Choosing lunch instead of dinner—seeing as it's not as lengthy,
Going to a very dark bar—seeing as that's the light you probably saw him in,
Bringing the girlfriend you were with when you met him—seeing as she might recognize him,
Figuring out an escape alibi—seeing as you really have no idea what you're in for.
As Nonchalant as Possible: “Will you meet me at the restaurant at 9:30, it's a seeing-impaired date and I may need a ride to an AA meeting if my judgment was really off.”
A NON-CLOSER
This is that toad you've gone out with at least three times, and whether your intention is to suck face or take things even further, the damn guy won't let you close the deal. Nothing is more frustrating than a guy that won't go there.
Possible Reasons for His Ineptitude Include:
He's one of those misinformed boys who think nice girls must be virgins,
He's unable to distinguish between a lady and a nun,
He's already in love with you,
He's gay.
As a Cry of Frustration: “Where's a guy from the football team when you need him, I'm never going out with a non-closer again.”
A BABY-SITTING JOB
This is a date with a man who is between three and fifteen years younger than you. Going out with him means you always plan the evenings and subsequently pay for them. {Usually you will also have to dress him, drive him, and later drop him off at his beastly apartment or parents’ home.)
Why on Earth You Would Do This:
Because he's hot,
Because he's hot,
Because he's hot,
Because he's so hot, you can avoid some real big issue in your own life.
As a V-V-Verb: “I know you're curious about him, but please don't ask him to speak…I'm just baby-sitting him for a few years until he marries a supermodel.”
THE PAPERWORK DATE
Not always the most romantic date, but definitely the most modern: occurring when you and your man have decided to have sex or to stop using condoms…but you first take a little outing to the clinic together to get your AIDS tests in unison.
Things to Keep in Mind:
Try not to have a panic attack in the waiting room and start blurting out hundreds of names,
The pleasures that come later will greatly outweigh this hell,
If you go together he can't chicken out, lie, and say he did it,
Neither can you.
As an Explanation to a Married Person: “It's not weird, it's just a paperwork date, and afterward is much better than just going to a movie.”
PLAYING HOUSE
When it's too early in the dating process to do those things you miss most when you're single: staying home, cuddling up, and watching a movie on the couch…but the weather is so damn perfect for it that you just do it anyway.
Best Kinds of Weather for It:
The first snowfall in the Midwest,
Early November on the East Coast,
A midsummer thunderstorm in the South,
Any third date you manage to get in the Los Angeles area, no matter what the weather is doing.
As a Sentence to Later Regret: “I'd actually prefer just playing house tonight; we'll always have time for dancing later on.”
AN INDEPENDENT ACTIVITIES EVENING
When you've been dating for a long while and he wants to see you but you need to get some stuff done. Rather than reject him, you just invite him to bring his own stuff over, and both of you do your own “stuff,” but in the same room. (P.S. After marriage this is called quality time.)
Perfect for:
A guy who always wants to be around,
Nights when you can't be bothered to put on makeup,
Ensuring a sleepover at your house,
Anal-retentive organization freaks who need a lot of time at home.
As a Bargaining Chip: “C'mon honey, I'll go to your firm dinner party tomorrow if we can have an independent activities evening tonight.”
Stages
“It's not about how much you love someone, it's about who you are when you're with them.”
—D.F.
DUNGEON LOVE
When your first encounter with a new lover unexpectedly lasts three days straight, causing the most intense, passionate, overwhelming, fairy-tale feelings of love…until you leave the house and the reality sets in that you don't know diddly squat about him in the real world.
Reasons to Do It Anyway:
Real-life love is much dimmer than dungeon love,
It's usually the most amazing sex of your life,
It's a twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity at the most,
No man will ever be perfect in the real world, so live the fantasy while you can.
As a Confession: “On a blind date Friday night I cooked dinner for this guy from the Swedish Olympic team, and when we finally got dressed on Monday morning, I knew it was dungeon love.”
IN THE ROTATION
The appropriate description of the man you see:
(1) between one and three times a month,
(2) for scheduled events rather than just hanging out,
(3) who has yet to see anything but your best behavior,
(4) who firmly believes you have no intention of advancing your relationship beyond this status, regardless of whether or not this is true.
Best Utilized:
When you refuse to bring up the boyfriend title until he does,
When dates are scarce and you're feeling lazy or horny,
When you can't choose between him and another imperfect suitor,
When you don't really like him but your mother does.
As a Preposition: “We did some kissing after the movie last week and next Friday he invited me square dancing…so he's in the rotation; now we'll see how it goes.”
SIAMESE
When you've been seeing a man for more than a week, but less than two months, and are so attached at the hip that you spend at least five nights a week with him. (A good indication that you've entered the Siamese stage: your girlfriends stop calling.)
Women Who Need to Monitor This Behavior:
Girls who dropped all their friends in high school every time they had a boyfriend,
Women who believe they are at least fifteen pounds overweight,
Women who haven't had a relationship in eight months,
Anyone over twenty-seven years old.
As a Dagger: “Don't even bother inviting her, she has a two-week boyfriend and is so Siamese that she checks in with him to urinate.”
THE BAD HYGIENE STAGE
When you wake up with a guy on Sunday morning and neither of you bothers to shower or shave. This is a sign of a long-term thing. But remember, let this stage get out of hand and you risk killing all romance.
Do Not Attempt:
Not brushing your teeth,
Picking your nose,
Running out of toilet paper,
Farting and not even bothering to apologize. (These things can only be accomplished by married people.)
As a Justification: “We're at the bad hygiene stage; I probably won't do a bikini wax all winter.”
THE PRIDE PERIOD
The point in a relationsh
ip when you come to realize that it is unsalvageable. Ladies, if you can't save your relationship save your pride—it may be the only thing you have left when it's over.
Reasons to Find the Strength:
It may take six months to get over him but it can take years to recoup your pride,
Therapy is expensive,
Crap never gets easier to swallow,
You lived for years before him, and pride will get you through the coming years without him.
As a Place: “I cried all night long while I packed my things; I am finally entering the pride period.”
RAW COOKIE DOUGH TIME
When you've been dumped by your man and need to He in bed and cry for a day or two. The best thing to have on hand is one girlfriend, two spoons, and raw cookie dough ready to be eaten right out of the package.
Try This Only at Home Because:
You should never let ‘em see you sweat,
Eating raw cookie dough in public grosses people out,
It's always better to hash it out before you get on with it,
If you eat the whole package, your stomach will hurt too much to think about him.
As a Plea: “He just called me and told me we're through; please come over, it's raw cookie dough time.”
BOYFRIEND HEAVEN
At the final stage of any relationship, this is the special place where the non-keepers go. Men don't break up with you, they just go to boyfriend heaven.
Helps You to:
Save face,
Imply that he's either a treasured memory or fresh roadkill,
Deflect concern, scrutiny, or pity from the peanut gallery,
Say nothing if you can't say something nice about someone.
As a Place: “I'm sure he's well, but I really wouldn't know—he's in boyfriend heaven now.”
THE RECYCLING BIN
Women in the extreme stages of single life start looking for men here: the section of your address book where you keep old boyfriends’ phone numbers—and occasionally rationalize that it's okay to date them again.
Occurring When Your Ex-Boyfriend Is:
Extremely handsome,
Exceptionally well endowed,
Rich as hell, or
When you need a date and are worried about adding another number to the reject list.
As an Excuse: “Don't get too attached to my date; he's from the recycling bin and won't be around for long.”
Long-Distance Operators
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
—KATHARINE HEPBURN
CITY OR STATE TITLES
When the guy you are considering/smooching/doing lives farther than one hour away, it is unlikely that your friends will ever see him, so don't expect them to remember his name. Instead, decide early on if the city or state he lives in is more impressive, and go with that one.
Upgrades in Pretension Are:
A “Seattle boy” is much more exciting than a “Washington State guy,”
“New York man” cleverly hides the fact that he's actually from upper Westchester County,
No one gushes for the farm guy in the next county, but “Rolling Hills retreat boy” is fun,
And best of all: “spicy Italian man” could live in a shack in Europe, but hey, it's still in Europe.
As an Admission: “He may be an unemployed surfer from Orange County, but my ‘California dream boy’ has the best state title this side of the Mississippi River.”
A LOVE FEST
This is the single best reason to date an out-of-town man: the weekends away in strange and romantic places where neither of you lives. Pack lots of pretty things and prepare to show them all off.
Things to Consider in Advance:
Frequent flyer miles were actually invented for this, Pack an excessive amount of undergarments as well as Every shoe you own so you're prepared for anything, Anything you do outside of your own state does not count morally.
To Instill Jealousy in Friends: “Island boy sent me first-class tickets, so I'll be having a love fest in the Keys this weekend—I think that calls for the bikini.”
DRIVE-BY DIALING
Remember the old days of calling your faraway guy late at night and hanging up when he answers…just to make sure he is there? Well, welcome to the world of Caller ID and *69. There is no longer anything anonymous about this.
If You Really Need to Call Anyway:
Be prepared to talk, or to leave a message that you've just dreamt that he died, and he needs to call you back tonight no matter what time he gets in.
If He's on to You Doing This and You Really Can't Get Caught Again:
Just do it from a pay phone.
From a Reformed Check-In Junkie: “I tried a drive-by dailing last night, and let me tell you how badly I got busted trying to pull away.”
D.W.I.
Different from a booty call, Dialing While Intoxicated to faraway attractions leads to nothing but bad conversation, often a crying jag, and always a hefty phone bill fine at the end of the month. Note to Self: Just go to bed.
Keep in Mind:
Long-distance relationships and alcohol don't mix well,
You're never as attractive as you think you are when you're drunk,
You will probably misremember the entire conversation come morning,
Making sure your brain is engaged before calling a lover anywhere is always a good idea.
As a Concern: “After the party I went home and did a D.W.I, to Texas, and I sure hope that was a heifer I heard laughing in the background.”
PHONIN’ O'S
When you can't take your out-of-town lover to bed with you, you can always take him to bed via phone. If talking dirty works for you but you haven't done this before, your phone conversations are about to get a lot more interesting.
Notes to Self:
He will never see how red your face is when you first try this,
Shut off the lights if you embarrass easily,
Remember that practice makes perfect,
This is not the time to worry about the size of your phone bill.
As a Compliment: “Chicago man keeps me happy with phonin’ O's, and I don't even have to put up with the terrible weather there.”
A WEB MAN
One of the worst Y2K glitches reported are these new boyfriends that people make over the Internet.Warning: This is not an ideal place to look for romance no matter what the commercials tell you.
Let's Be Real:
People that look like models don't go lookin’ for love at a computer terminal,
That cool guy you just met is probably four thirteen-year-old girls laughing their asses off,
Colleges that advertise on TV are worthless; this guy with a Web site is one step below that,
The only thing you really know about him is that he can type.
As a Defeat: “Web man's not working out so well, his e-mail address connected directly to the FBI today.”
MANDATORY VACATIONS
When you no longer leave town whenever you want and no longer go wherever you want because wherever the hell that boy lives and whenever the hell he sends a ticket is exactly where and when you'll be going.
Yes, There Are Bad Points, but Let's Look at the Good Ones:
Airline tickets are the world's greatest presents,
You're still getting out of town,
You only have to shave as often as you fly,
Lots of women go on vacation looking for a guy, and you always find yours as soon as you land.
As a Point of Perspective: “I'm not flying anywhere else this month; my mandatory vacations have already filled up my out-of-town quota.”
HOME TEAM SCRIMMAGE
When you start to believe that your weekend play-dates could become a real relationship and one of you invites the other to visit his or her home for an extended period so you can play house for a while. This is a warm-up ga
me before the official season begins.
Things to Expect:
If you make a ton of plans, expect to cancel half of them,
When you need half an hour alone, ask for it politely, or expect to be left alone permanently,
If you don't introduce him to the people you always talk about, expect him to take a walk,
If he doesn't introduce you in return, expect to find a local girlfriend somewhere.
As a Cautionary Tale: “I had a home team scrimmage last week at his house and got a reality check: I learned he still lives with his parents.”
Seasonal Lovers
“I never change my mind, except ‘ my affections.”
—OSCAR WILDE
SUMMER LOVE
The kind of guy you really want to date when the weather is warm, but who loses his appeal when his tan fades. He doesn't have to be a brain surgeon, but he certainly needs to be hot.
His Usual Attributes Include:
A convertible,
A lifeguarding job,
A great upper body,
An undergraduate degree (in about two years when he finishes school).
As Words to Make Your Mouth Water: “So I laid out my towel right next to my summer love, and he began rubbing in my sunscreen without saying a word.”
A FALL NESTER
The kind of man you can see yourself settling down with for a few months of winter hibernation. Everyone wants someone to cuddle up with on those coming cool nights, so we go into search mode about Labor Day.
Idyllic Dates in This Season Include:
Kicking fallen leaves in the park,
A game of touch football in a turtleneck sweater,
Hot chocolate or cider after a romantic movie,
A long Thanksgiving weekend (if you make it that far).
As a Whisper: “I don't know if we'll make it to Christmas, but I saw that beard when I registered for fall classes and knew he was a fall nester.”
CLUB MED MORALS
When you take a vacation in a place that creates a little fantasy world for you, and your inhibitions never make it past the baggage claim. They really should advertise these highlights in the brochure.