by Diane Farr
Limit conversations about the old days when you were slutting around,
Make him feel as though he is wanted here,
Leave a little room for him to shine.
HIS TEAM
When you're out with his friends it is not a time to see how many shots you can do; nor should you:Wear leather,
Flirt with his guy friends,
Confide in his girlfriends (as they will report back to him),
Henpeck, dominate the conversation, or insist on paying.
BEGGING
If you are involved with a man who won't give you the commitment that you want dump him, kill him, or just get over it, but don't beg. It won't do you any good, and you ruin the reputations of all the rest of us.
Tests
“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.”
—AGATHA CHRISTIE
THE WAITRESS TEST
On your first date with a man, go to dinner and watch how he treats the waitress. Wanna know why? Because in six months this is just how he will treat you. The waitress is a “given,” and she will try to appease him no matter how he treats her…which may one day apply to you. Apply This Also to: his mother, a cashier, the mechanic, and ex-lovers. This does not apply to: his dog—and don't be fooled by his display of loyalty here.
THE DOG TEST
Men will test you with their dogs, which they subconsciously consider an extension of their penises. Stroke it, pet it, play rough, and move on.
Never Ever: Cuddle with it or talk baby talk to it…even if he does.
Also Refrain from: buying toys forhe animal too early on; it's too obvious and your cover will be blown.
THE DOORBELL TEST
On your second or third date, ask him to pick you up at your home. If he stays in his car and honks, don't even think of leaving the house. You wait, like the debutante you are, until he rings the doorbell and presents himself, just like the days when they had to impress Mom and Dad.
Never stray from this because: If you jump when he honks, you will one day jump when he barks (as in, “Bring me the chicken pot pie, bitch.”)
If He Asks if You Heard Him Honk: “Oh, I didn't think you were calling for me; I just assumed you were having trouble parking.”
THE CAR DOOR TEST
Well-mannered men will walk to the car and open your door first. As they walk around to their door, recognize that they are actually testing you: Do you unlock it for them, or do you fail to be considerate?
First off: If he doesn't open your side first, you stand there and wait, if necessary until he drives away.
Second: Just unlock the door and pass his damn test, even if you don't care about him; you should never fail anything.
THE EX TEST
Early on in the game, make some casual inquiries about his ex. Your sole purpose here is to find out how he will one day speak about you.
Run for the door if:
The words restraining order come up, He tells you her most personal secret, He says he still loves her or explains that modeling for the Victoria Secret catalog took up too much other time.
If he refuses to discuss her: That may not be such a bad thing…you've got an interesting one at least.
THE FAMILY TEST
The first time a potential boyfriend brings you to his family home, remember your manners, look virginal, and pretend there's nothing riding on this encounter. But don't fail to take this opportunity to see how he relates to them. Remember, this is how he plans on playing house one day down the road.
Things to pick up on: If Mom still cuts his meat, Three hundred bottles of beer on the wall, If there are snapshots of his ex-girlfriend all over the house, If Dad is nice to his wife.
But do give him some slack: After all, everyone's family is crazy.
Kinds of Love
My mother always told me there are three kinds of love…
Some People Are: IN LOVE
The amazing, blessed state that few people actually achieve. Occurs in women who have found their: soul mate, life partner, unfailing confidant, eternal livable roommate, other half, permanent designated driver, and forever best friend.
For most, this is found only: in children's books, once in a lifetime, after years of therapy, and after a few test runs in short-term markets.
CAUTION: The only way to know for sure is after fifty years of life together.
But More People Are: IN LOVE WITH LOVE
Which occurs during the initial period of a relationship when you do actually hear birds singing and all that crap. You have no need to sleep, you have a feeling in your bones that resembles a drug-induced high, and the guy still really likes your family. But before you call this love, ask yourself these questions:
Have you seen anything but his best behavior? Has he seen yours?
Would you like him 100 pounds heavier with no hair?
Is this the senility patient for you?
Until you're sure: Let's face it, you are “in Like.”
And Sadly More People Are: IN LOVE WITH THE DRAMA
The drama arises from the never-ending chase, the never surrendering heart you wish to attain, the never fixable qualities you're convinced you can fix, or the never-ending problems you are resolved to overcome.
Well, Wake Up and: Stop trying to fix your dad, Start thinking more of yourself, or no one else will, Stop riding roller coasters and opt for a sit and spin.
Instead: Spend six months celibate, go dancing with girlfriends, get a hobby, and eventually you'll get a real life.
I Have Also Found These Kinds of Love…
IN LOVE WITH THE CIRCLE
When you can't separate the crowd or the lifestyle from the man you are dating.
Kind of like when the sundress in the window looks so good with the necklace, the boots, the gloves, and the hat, but when you get it home alone, it's a tacky piece of shit.
Things to Assess:
If you sat at a bus stop for the evening, would you enjoy his company?
If you had no money to spend on a date, what would you do?
Do you ever talk about anything substantial?
Do you secretly have a crush on his best friend?
Beware of a Good Rationalization: They just perpetuate the situation.
IN LOVE WITH THE PAYCHECK
Needing little explanation, symptoms of this kind of love can include liking a man for his money, clothing, position, favorite restaurant, vacation home, frequent flyer miles, or anything else that calls for his platinum card.
Keep in Mind: Rich men have a tendency to go back to their high school sweetheart, and money doesn't give you taste, personality, or empathy…nor does it make a man. Treatment for this Ailment: You might consider inflating your own income first and looking into men afterward.
IN LOVE WITH THE TIMING
When feelings of love are falsely induced by the “appropriateness” of the time in your life. Usually occurs during senior year of high school or college, second year of a real job, six months before the thirtieth birthday, or whenever the biological clock starts ticking.
Beware of: feeling as if you missed out on things later in life if you timing is early and knowing the difference between your timing and your mother's influence.
Also Note: Timing may contribute to a lasting relationship nonetheless, and without this kind of love, most of us would never have been born.
IN LOVE WITH THE SEX
Works best when he doesn't have deep feelings for you, either. Keep in mind that this kind of love is the most difficult to sustain and the most destructive to your head.
For the Record: You might believe that adding some exciting stuff to your sexual repertoire is worth putting up with an unhealthy relationship because you think you can always bring these new tricks to a real relationship later—but you can't. Reality Says: The longer you romp on this futon, the longer it will take to find a real bed.
Chick Tricks
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“The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don't always dream your dream.”
—LINDA RONSTADT
TABLE FOR ONE
If you fall into the unfortunate category of women who can't reach orgasm—and your friends aren't talking—start going to bed early until you can burn the candle at both ends, all by yourself.
SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND
Invest some time alone, figuring out what works for you. Education begins at home, and this kind of homework really pays off later. Keep in Mind: After high school, it's cool to do your homework.
CHOOSING A MAJOR
Just like freshman year of college—start by trying everything that might interest you. You can decide your main course of study closer to graduation.
BATHROOM STUDIES 101
Every single woman needs to have a shower massager.
Because it's detachable.
(A word to the not-so-wise: Watch the water temperature, honey.)
BUYING A BOYFRIEND
Go to the adult toy store, with three straightfaced girlfriends if necessary, and purchase plastic boyfriend parts, with batteries or without.
(Ask for something with “rabbit ears.” Don't ask why, just ask for it.)
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
Keep in Mind: Ultimately, intercourse is not supposed to remain a one-person sport. (These are an aid, ladies, not a life partner.)
FINDING A TUTOR
There also exists the kind of man that will teach you everything you ever needed to know about your own physiology, but had no idea of what to ask. If you're lucky enough to run across one, be a good student.
SPECIAL ED CLASSES
If you are looking for some suggestions, answers, explanations or information, remember that videos, movies, cable television, and the Internet aren't just for thirteen-year-old boys.
THE GOLDEN RULE
Never fake it.
No matter how hard you're trying to achieve orgasm, there is no need and no reason toever fake it.
This does neither you nor your partner any good.
III
The Boy Code
A few words about how the other half lives, and how the other team plays…so you can be a more informed opponent.
What They Say
“Some men are like martinis: ice cold and very dry, but they think they're the best drink in the house because of the two olives they've got stuck on the end of their swizzle stick.”
—D.F.
TAINT
On the male body, the small space between the testicles and the anus, eloquently named by sophomoric men, because “it-ain't one and it-ain't the other.”
Good to Know Because:
All men are ticklish here, If you apply pressure to it, they will do anything you ask, The naming of it alone shows insight to what men discuss in locker rooms, It's a guy thing we shouldn't even know about.
As a Place: “You're not ticklish? Yeah, what about your taint? Right…here!”
DUTCH OVEN
This is when you're in bed with a man and he farts under the covers. If you're dating a freshman, he may pull the covers over your head so you really get the full effect.
If You Allow This Behavior:
Expect it to become part of your foreplay, Accept the fact that you are a substitute for his little brother, Know that he will try other regression tactics on you, Get ready to watch your sex drive disappear.
As a Boundary to Maintain: “Yeah, I find a Dutch oven funny, as funny as you not gettin’ any this week.”
C**K BLOCK
This is a term men use to describe anything that gets in the way of hooking up with a woman.
It Can Be:
His personal history or yours, His drinking or yours, His biological functions or yours,
But Most Often It's:
His friend or yours.
Don't Allow Him to: Make this a pet name for your parents or best friend.
HEISMAN
This is a guy term used to describe when a woman keeps man at arms-length distance and denies him love or sex or whatever it is that he wants. The name comes from college football's Heisman Trophy, which features a player stiff-arming an imaginary opponent.
Don't Give Up This Status:
It means you have the ball in your court, He will run up and down that field all day trying to achieve his goal, This is the most effort you will ever get out of this guy, The best victories come after beating someone at his own game.
As Music to Your Ears: “The chick's had me in a full Heisman all week, and she is one worthy opponent.”
SPINNER
This is a term used by men to describe a petite woman. The term implies that if the male were standing up during sex, this small woman could be spun around in circles without touching the floor. (Isn't that nice?)
Just When You Thought:
We had evolved from the apes, “Short people got no reason to live” was as mean as it gets, He asked you to wear those shoes because they made your legs look nice, You might have been too rough on an ex-boyfriend.
If It's Used in Your Presence: “She may be a spinner, darling, but your penis would have to be a little bigger to achieve such acrobatics.”
BIRD DOG
A term that men use to describe other men who cheat. This is one to pay particular attention to, because if a man thinks another man is a dog to women, then he's really got to be pretty awful.
Keep in Mind:
Men are much bigger gossips than women, and they know the real story, Men who cheat blatantly enough to deserve the name are not candidates for rehabilitation, Men who use the term in reference to another might themselves be someone to consider, They might have used it just to get you to consider them.
To Spell It Out for You: “A bird dog is not just a male slut, he's a slut who lies, cheats, and steals and is messy about it to boot.”
HALL PASS
This term is used by men to jeer a buddy who has a girl in his life. It implies that he who is involved has to check with his woman before going out with his friends, because she keeps his testicles in a lockbox and he needs permission to get them back.
Which in Turn Implies:
That his friends think he is a loser, That the woman is the evil schoolmarm who is afraid to let the boy out of the classroom, or Such a strong girl that her man's afraid he'll lose her if she's on her own for fifteen minutes.
If He Asks You for One Directly: Tell him some people get detention so much because they ask for it.
What They Do
“Like all young women, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one man and another.”
—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
MEMBERS ONLY
There are men you will date who are still members of the “old boys’ school” and have their own codes of honor that they don't reveal to women. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad guy, it just means that he's a guy's guy. So keep the following in mind…
A SPORTING MAN'S MOTIVATIONS
Men and sports evolve with age, and each stage has its own rules: High school guys play sports for their fathers’ approval as well as the cheerleaders, College men play sports for the free education, the parties, the camaraderie, and the cheerleaders, Postgraduate boys play sports to find friends, deny hair loss, do something with their anger at their boss, and prove to their girlfriends that they used to date cheerleaders.
COUCH JOCKS
Men who have retired from sports bond around the television and compete by commentating on sports. They earn points by second-guessing the announcer and getting ready to coach Little League, where they will avoid the cheerleaders they married and admire the ones they can no longer have.
LOCKER ROOM LOOKS
The only reason men believe women are worried about “size” is that men themselves are obsessed with it. Since their early days in school, men “size” one another up in locker rooms and worry over themselves whenever they get the chance. It's like wom
en talking about weight: Don't get involved.
CREDENTIALS
Men judge one another by these three simple things: the watch on his wrist, the shoes on his feet, and the girl on his arm. (But before you get insulted, it's just like certain women in suburbia, who judge one another by the kind of car in the driveway, how big the house behind it is, and the sucker inside who bought it all for her.)
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT
Men have a drinking code that differs from ours. Try not to interfere with the following, as it's part of the whole “hunter/gatherer thing”: Never refuse a shot (or else be considered weak), If a guy or crew of guys buys a man a drink, he must buy at least the same number of drinks for them,
However, picking up too many rounds in front of the other men's dates is wrongfully ostentatious (and in some places just cause for a punch in the mouth).
RAT PACKS
When mingling in the bar scene, men will have no respect for women who: Come right out and ask them to buy drinks, Swear, spit, or swallow more cocktails than they do, Wear clothing that is too small for their bodies—if they don't have the body to carry it,
Make passes at other men while their boyfriends are in the bathroom, without a warning that the boyfriends are coming back.
RELATIONSHIP ATTIRE
If a man asks you to wear a particular outfit when you're going out to meet his friends, know this is intended to signal to his friends his level of interest in you. Understand the rules and dress accordingly: Hat on backwards and jeans = a friend he's trying to seem casual about until he gets their approval.
Shirt two sizes too small = just a bimbo he's doing, or a hotty he's trying to impress them with.
Well-made power suit = girl he aspires to date regularly, marry, or be kept by.
Simple dress that makes her look either sexy or like the girl next door = the one they should all be vying for.
FIRSTS ARE FOREVER
If you tell a man he is your first, after ninth grade he will automatically assume you're lying. If you manage to convince him otherwise, he will treasure it forever. (So if you do lie about your virginity and make an ass of him, he'll probably spend eternity trying to make one of you.)