Infinite Loop

by Meghan O'Brien

  Regan escaped to her bedroom while Mel was finishing up in the bathroom. Quickly, she stripped off her jeans and pulled on a pair of comfortable boxer shorts before climbing into bed. Mel was going to sleep in her bed. This was the last way she’d pictured ending the evening when she’d settled down to watch The Princess Bride.

  The bathroom door opened and Mel flipped off the light as she exited. She stood next to the bed for a moment and fiddled nervously with the hem of her boxer shorts, as if she wasn’t certain what to do or say, then she crawled in beside Regan.

  “It’s been a while since I slept in the same bed as somebody,” Regan said to break the tension.

  Mel gave her a wary sidelong glance. “Me, too.”

  Regan lifted an interested eyebrow. “You mean—”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Mel looked embarrassed. “I’m something of a cad. I’m not exactly proud of it.”

  Regan broke into a careful smile. “So we both admit we’re a little awkward with this sort of thing?”

  “Grudgingly. I’ll grudgingly admit it.”

  Regan tugged on her upper lip in an effort to stave off the full-blown grin that threatened to take over her mouth. Keeping her voice even, she said, “Well, we’re both intelligent, functional adults, right?”

  “Define functional.”

  “You’re functional enough.”

  “I was wondering about you.”

  “Shaddup.” Her body began to relax at the return of the banter that just seemed to happen between them. “I’m just saying, I’m sure we can figure this out.”

  “Sleeping together?” Mel smirked. “I’m sure you’re right.”

  Regan stretched out her arm in invitation. “So c’mere.”

  Mel moved into Regan’s embrace after only the briefest hesitation. She rested her head on Regan’s shoulder and slid an awkward arm across her stomach. Overwhelmed, Regan planted an impulsive kiss on Mel’s forehead, and for a moment Mel just lay there, tense. Then she seemed to melt into Regan’s arms, nuzzling her face into Regan’s neck with a contented sigh. The arm across Regan’s belly relaxed and gentle fingers began tracing patterns over her side. Seconds later, Mel eased a leg over one of Regan’s.

  “Oh, my God.” Mel’s voice was muffled against Regan’s neck. “I can’t believe how good this feels.”

  Neither can I. Regan tightened her arms around Mel and kissed her hair. “Something else to add to the list of stuff that feels good in bed.”

  Mel snorted and gave her an indulgent squeeze. “Goofball. Say good night, Regan.”

  “Good night, Regan.”

  Chapter Six

  Mel tore into wakefulness with a startled gasp, her body tense and frozen on the bed. She kept her eyes closed as the last tendrils of the nightmare she couldn’t remember drifted away on her shaky exhalation. She was slowly aware of three things—she was not in her own bed, she was not wearing her own clothes, and she was definitely not alone.

  In fact, she seemed to be a pillow. She shifted slightly, eliciting a sleepy groan from the body that pinned her to the mattress.

  Jesus Christ, Hansen. Mel’s eyes flew open and she nearly sat up, but was stopped by the heavy weight lying across her chest. It all came back to her. Hansen, lying in a pool of his own blood. Morales’s dark eyes and sympathetic gaze. Ruined flesh and beige-ugly hospital hallways. And Regan—relaxing into Regan’s embrace and feeling as if nothing could hurt her there.

  Mel looked down at the top of Regan’s head. Red hair tickled her chin, and the comforting weight of Regan’s arm was tucked under her breasts. Mel blinked, feeling a slight burning ache in her eyes from the crying she had done. A wave of shame rolled over her when she remembered breaking down in Regan’s arms.

  She thought she’d given up crying. Hadn’t her father broken her of that habit when she was nine?

  “Crying is for babies. Are you a baby?”

  She cringed in the closet where she sat huddled with her favorite stuffed dog. Its fur was damp with her tears. Her father was a giant looming shadow above her, angry eyes and clenched fists. She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

  “I…” She was scared of him even then, and it hadn’t been a year since her mother died. “I miss Mommy.”

  He left a hand-shaped bruise on her upper arm when he yanked her to her feet. The second blow caught her across the face and sent her back to the floor in agony.

  She had made a promise that night that she would never cry again. Ever. And she had kept that promise until yesterday evening, only ever shedding a few hastily concealed tears.

  The fact that somehow Regan had coaxed sixteen years of carefully repressed emotion to the surface with a hug and a few words left Mel feeling awed and frightened. Regan, she decided, was very powerful.

  The powerful one emitted a sleepy mumble and shifted to bring a hand up to cup Mel’s breast through her T-shirt. Mel moved her own hand, finding the soft skin of Regan’s lower back where her T-shirt had ridden up in her sleep, and stroked her with gentle fingers.

  Regan moaned. The sound was deep and low, and Mel thought it must be the product of a particularly erotic dream. Mel squeezed Regan tighter against her side, and surrendered herself for a moment to dreamy possibility. She could really fall in love with this woman. In fact, it had already started. She felt her nipple tighten under the heavy weight of Regan’s hand and gasped in a combination of pleasure and dismay. What the hell was wrong with her? What kind of screwed-up, sex-obsessed freak got turned on at a time like this?

  She turned her mind to Hansen. Would he even walk again? He was all she liked about her job; even he might not be enough to keep her on the force, and if he wasn’t there, she didn’t know what she would do. Attempting the first relationship of her life amidst all of this turmoil didn’t seem ideal. However, it also didn’t seem like a choice.

  As terrifying as it was, trying to be with Regan was the only option that appealed to her. I’m just really scared I’ll fuck this up. God, I hope I don’t fuck this up.

  She shifted beneath Regan, trying to dislodge herself. Regan barely moved, except to whimper and flex her hand against Mel’s breast, making it even harder to concentrate on her escape. Mel cleared her throat, willing Regan to wake before she was driven completely crazy. A moment later green eyes opened and blinked up at her in sleepy confusion.

  “For a minute there I was wondering why my bed was moving,” Regan mumbled, raising the corner of her mouth in a small smile.

  “Sorry,” Mel lied. “Leg cramp. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “‘S all right.” Regan settled her head back on Mel’s shoulder, then stiffened slightly, staring awkwardly at her own hand, still cradling Mel’s breast. “Well, this ranks right up there on my most mortifying moments list.” She moved as if to withdraw the offending hand, but Mel caught her and pressed it down again.

  Mel gave her a beatific smile. “Did you hear me complain?”

  It wasn’t flirtatious, it wasn’t a come-on; it was simply permission to be comfortable. They lay silently for a moment, still curled into their nocturnal embrace. Regan stroked her thumb along the swell of Mel’s breast, reaching up to brush across her still hard nipple. Mel bit back a gasp, and Regan glanced up at her with curious green eyes. She flattened her palm against Mel’s breast, soothing, then removed her hand and rolled over onto her back.

  “Did you sleep well?” she asked.

  “Very well.” Mel leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Regan’s temple. “Thank you.”

  “You’re very welcome,” Regan stretched her arms above her head then gave Mel a serious look. “Checked your voice mail yet?”

  “Lieutenant Jackson called around five-thirty this morning.” At Regan’s surprised look, she smiled. “I took it in the other room. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

  “How is your partner?”

  “Out of surgery. Stable. They’ll be able to tell us more about possible spinal cord injury later today when he wakes up.”
>
  Regan shuddered a little. “I guess we just wait and see.”

  Mel closed her eyes and nodded, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. It was then she realized that she had no idea how to behave. This was the first morning-after where her first thought hadn’t been about walking out of the woman’s life. The trouble was that she didn’t know how to stay in Regan’s life, or even where her own life was going. Her stomach twisted in knots when she thought of what she had to do today, and how she didn’t know what to do tomorrow.

  “I’ve got to go be interviewed again by Internal Affairs at the precinct this morning,” she said. “Maybe do a walk-through. I’m doing that before I go see Hansen.”

  Regan nodded, propping herself up on her elbow. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “No. Just…be my friend.”

  Regan gave her a sober nod. “Done.” She caught Mel’s hand and dropped a soft kiss across the knuckles. “What happens now with work?”

  Mel shrugged, shifting further onto her back to stare at the ceiling. “Mandatory three-day suspension of duty. Pending a psych evaluation and an official investigation of the incident, some desk job. After I’m approved by the department psychiatrist, back to street duty.” Her voice was hollow and her recitation of regulation was dispassionate. “No matter what happens, I doubt Hansen will be back.”

  “Are you worried about that—about what’s going to happen at work?”

  Mel bit her lip, struggling with how to answer that. Maybe the truth? “I hate my job, and the last thing I want is a new partner.” Embarrassed, she cast her eyes up at the ceiling. “I don’t know what I want right now. All I want is Hansen better.”

  Regan blinked at the confession. “How long have you hated it?”

  “A while.”

  Regan touched Mel’s arm. “This wasn’t your fault, you know.”

  Mel blinked back the tears that stung her eyes. “Yeah.” She wished she could believe that. Maybe if she’d taken the other side of the bedroom door. She was usually on the left, so why did she take the other side? Or maybe if she’d pulled her gun a little faster. Or if she didn’t spend so much time hating her job.

  She slipped out from beneath the covers. “Hey, I should probably get going. It’s going to be a really long day.”

  Regan sat up and gathered the thick comforter to her chest. “You gonna be okay?” she asked.

  She looked completely irresistible and Mel wanted nothing more than to stay in bed with her rather than face the real world. Crawling over the bed, she gathered Regan in a tight hug. Remember that she really cares about you. Remember how amazing that is. “I’ll be fine.” Planting a sweet kiss on her forehead, she whispered, “Thank you. For everything.”

  *

  Mel found Annie Hansen sitting on an ugly mauve-colored couch outside of the hospital cafeteria. She had her purse in her lap, hands splayed out on top of the black leather. An older white-haired woman sat beside her, a wrinkled hand resting on Annie’s.

  Mel approached with a timid smile. “Mrs. Hansen?”

  Her partner’s wife turned at the sound of her voice, and directed an amused look up at Mel as if they were already friends. “It’s Annie, please. Mrs. Hansen makes me feel like an old schoolteacher.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Mel tried not to show her surprise at the warmth of this greeting.

  “Ma’am, even!” Annie interrupted her, sharing a chuckle with the older woman. “That’s not much better.”

  Mel hooked her thumbs into the pockets of her jeans, shooting the two older women an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. Annie.”

  Annie turned to the white-haired woman beside her. “Mom, this is Peter’s partner, Mel Raines. She’s the one who went on the call with him and who took care of him until the paramedics arrived.” Annie gave Mel a grateful smile. “Mel, this is my mother, Margaret James.”

  “It’s very nice to meet you, ma’am,” Mel said. “I wish it was under better circumstances.”

  The white-haired woman gave her a kind nod. “Officer Raines, I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for our family. Peter’s a wonderful man, and I’m very glad you’re here for him.”

  Mel swallowed, nodding. Her face burned hot at what felt like very undeserved praise. “Me, too.” She directed a cautious look at Annie. “I heard he did well in surgery.”

  Annie beamed at her. She looked better than she had when Mel saw her briefly the night before. Her cheeks had regained some of their color, and though her eyes were still watery red, they sparkled with renewed life. “He did. The bullet didn’t hit his spinal column, and there’s no paralysis.”

  Mel fought back her emotion. “Good.”

  “He was awake for a little while this morning. He wasn’t very coherent, but he managed a few words to me.”

  Looking at the obvious love in Annie Hansen’s eyes, Mel remembered Hansen’s words about his wife. And she knows just what I need…to make me forget, to remind me of the good things. Mel felt lucky to be in the presence of something like that; it gave her hope for her own life.

  “He asked after you.” Annie said. “He was worried about you, couldn’t remember what had happened exactly.”

  Mel blinked back the tears that stung her eyes. “Will I be able to see him today?”

  “He’s sleeping right now, but I know that you’re one of the first people he wants to see when he wakes up.” She leaned forward, reaching out to take Mel’s hand. “Maybe later this evening? Do you want me to call you when he comes around?”

  Mel gave her a vigorous nod. “Please.” She cast nervous eyes around, suddenly uncertain. There had to be something else she could do to help, other than hanging out at the hospital. She remembered Hansen’s weekend plans. “Hans—” Mel stopped, shooting Annie an apologetic look. “Peter was going to refinish your deck this weekend, wasn’t he?”

  Annie’s face threatened to fall, but she held it together. “Yes.”

  “Would you mind if I did that for him today?” At Annie’s look of surprise, Mel explained, “I don’t really have anything planned for today, and I don’t feel like going home right now. I’d really like...”

  Annie reached out and clasped Mel’s hands in her own. “I understand, and I know Peter would really appreciate it, just like I would.” She lowered her voice to a playful whisper. “He’s been dreading that project for weeks.”

  Mel chuckled. “I could tell.”

  “Well, I was going to stop by home, anyway, to get some of Peter’s things for him. I can give you a ride, or you can follow me. “

  “I brought my bike. I’ll just follow you.”

  Annie lifted her purse strap over her shoulder then stepped forward and slid an arm around Mel’s waist. “I see why he cares so much for you,” she whispered into Mel’s ear. She squeezed her once more, then released her, turning again to help her mother to her feet.

  Astonished, Mel followed them out of the hospital in a strangely pleasant haze. Hansen cared for her? She looked back over her shoulder, then up at the ceiling at where she imagined Hansen slept somewhere above them. Maybe it was time she let him know she cared for him, too.

  *

  Adam arrived on Regan’s porch at five o’clock sharp, carrying a six-pack of Mountain Dew under his arm. He gave Regan a broad grin when she answered the door.

  “Ready for a little Halo action?” he asked.

  Regan groaned. I forgot all about the pre-work week ritual video-gaming tournament. She wrinkled her nose, stepping aside to let him into her house. “Not really.”

  Adam gaped at her as she closed the door behind him. “For real?”

  “Unloading countless rounds of ammo into digital enemies doesn’t hold its normal appeal at the moment.”

  Adam looked at her blankly for a moment. “Oh, yeah.” He winced. “Mel, huh?”

  Regan gave him a pained smile. “Yeah. Mel.”

  Adam followed her into the living room, dropping his six-pack on the coffee tabl
e and collapsing onto his favorite spot on her couch. “Wow. I didn’t even think about it like that. Halo, I mean.”

  Regan twisted her lips into a tight smile, dropping into her favorite chair and drawing her legs up beneath her. “Trust me, I never thought about it like that, either. Wanton video game violence has kinda lost its charm for the time being, now that I’ve gotten a taste of the real thing.”

  Adam leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and gave her a steady look. “So how are you doing with that?”

  Regan tugged at a lock of her hair. “I wish I knew that her partner’s okay. She’s pretty worried about him.”

  “That answers my next question. I wondered if you’d heard anything.”

  Regan shook her head. She’d told Adam everything over instant messenger after Mel left that morning, but hadn’t heard from her since. Never had hours felt more like days. “Not yet.”

  “Why not call her?” Adam snagged a can from his six-pack, cracking it open and taking a long swallow.

  Regan picked at the knee of her blue jeans with nervous fingers. “I hate the phone.” Adam gave her a pointed look that made her hackles rise. “She’s going through a lot right now. She’s never been in a relationship before, or had someone asking after her like that. I don’t want to push her. I’m not very smooth with stuff like this in general. I’m afraid I’ll sound like a moron.”

  Adam laughed at her outburst. “Regan, you are anything but a moron.”

  “You know what I mean—a social moron.”

  Adam laced his hands behind his head, and leaned back against the couch. He studied her so intensely that Regan squirmed beneath his gaze. “She likes you, right?”

  You know that I’m attracted to you, right? Mel’s words rang through her head. Her own internal voice followed. You know that she wouldn’t have let you see her cry if there wasn’t something there, right? You feel it. She feels it, too.