Her father led the way to the camp stools. K'lrsa flinched, the memory of that other man too strong.
She'd thought he was her father, too.
Maybe this just another illusion. Another lie.
Her father studied her. "You've changed since I saw you last. You're…more guarded. More…"
"Damaged? Less confident?" She sat down next to him, trying not to feel the hurt of his words.
He frowned. "Are you okay?"
She shook her head, fighting against the tears. She didn't want him to see her cry. They didn't have that much time together and she wanted to make the most of it. "I'm fine. It's just been hard. The Daliphate wasn't what I expected. And coming home wasn't either."
"Your mother told me."
K'lrsa felt a sharp ache in her chest. "Where is she? Doesn't she want to see me?"
He smiled. "You two. Too alike to know what to do with one another. Yes. She wants to see you. But we thought it best that I see you first. That we have this time."
"Time for what?"
He shrugged. "To talk."
She looked around. Badru and the Lady had left. It was just the two of them now.
"Did she tell you about Badru?"
"The young man that was with you?"
She nodded.
"Only a little bit. That he came with you and seemed to be a strong warrior and to care for you and that you seemed to care for him. Is there more?"
She sighed. "I don't know. He's the one I went to kill you know. He was the Daliph."
"Really? He seems young for that."
"He was. But he was the only one left to inherit." She picked a piece of grass and started to shred it into small strips. "I dreamt of him before we met. In the Moon Dream. We couldn't speak, but we moved together so perfectly. And then when we met there was that same pull, that same spark."
"But?"
She shook her head. "It doesn't matter now."
"Why not?"
"Because he's dead. He was killed and brought back by death walker magic, so when we came here he died for real."
Her father waited, knowing her well enough to know she wasn't done.
"He wants me to come back here after. So we can be together."
"And?"
She frowned and threw the pieces of grass away. "I made a promise to M'lara. That I'd come back and I'd never leave her alone again. I'm all she has."
"She has D'lan, too. And the rest of the tribe. It wouldn't be the first time someone in the tribe raised another's child."
"But I made her a promise."
"Okay. So you made her a promise that you wouldn't leave. But you want to?"
"No. Yes. Maybe?" She shook her head, so angry with Badru that she didn't know what to do with it. "There was potential there for us to be something amazing. But…We weren't there yet. And living in a dead city isn't…What will that get us? We won't be able to have children or build anything together. We'll just be. Here. How long can we last if we aren't creating something that binds us together?"
"You could come for a while. See what it's like."
She bit her lip. "I can't do it again, Dad."
"Do what again?"
"Lose someone I love. First you, then Mom. Now Badru. I can't come back here and try and find out that I lost a chance at something amazing. Better to leave now."
He touched her knee lightly. "K'lrsa. I want you to look at me."
She did, reluctantly.
He continued, "I can't begin to describe for you the depth of love I feel for your mother. It's…It's the thread that bound my life together, that made everything else make sense. Without it I'd just have been some fool Rider who could hunt a baru and tell a good joke. Her love was, is, my foundation. It gave every moment, every choice a meaning it wouldn't have had otherwise."
"Why are you telling me this?" she wailed.
"Because if you think there's a chance that you could have something that powerful with Badru, then I think you should come back here. M'lara will understand."
"No she won't."
"Someday, I hope."
"But what if I'm wrong, Dad? What if it's nothing? Or what if it is this great, amazing love but we can't sustain it. I saw those memories, Dad. I know how it turns out."
"But do you think those people regret the days or weeks or months they had with their loves? Do you think the lives of emptiness they would've had otherwise were better?"
"My life wouldn't be empty."
"But it wouldn't be full, either." He squeezed her knee and sat back. "Take the risk, K'lrsa. Give whatever exists between you the chance it needs to grow."
She nodded her head slightly, but she didn't want to think about Badru and love and loss anymore. "Dad. I'm not sure I can do what they want me to do."
"How so?"
"I'm so tired of death and killing and…" She shivered. "I don't want to kill all those soldiers."
"Then don't."
"But if I don't they'll kill us."
"Who says?"
"That's what they're there for. To kill everyone in the tribes."
"On one man's orders. Do you think they'd make that choice, each of them, given the power to do so?"
She frowned. "Some. But not all."
"And the ones that would, would they still try to if the ones that wouldn't weren't there at their sides? If they didn't have someone else's order to hide behind?"
"No. Probably not. But…I can't get Aran to take back his order."
"No, you can't. But maybe what you can do is find a way to defeat his troops without destroying them."
She nodded. "Maybe."
"Your real problem is the Daliphana not those soldiers."
"Herin and Lodie want me to kill Aran, the current Daliph. If I do that, then the Daliphana will leave us alone."
"No they won't."
"Why not?"
"Because they need the trade the tribes can provide them. Before Aran arranged to have the Black Horse Tribe lead them across the desert the men of the Toreem Daliphate were poor and miserable. Aran isn't the problem. He's part of it, don't get me wrong. He's a cruel, vicious man who delights in pain. But Badru would make the same decisions as Aran. So would any Daliph."
He held up a hand to stop the argument forming on her lips. "The Toreem Daliphate needs trade. If you hadn't been there, by Badru's side, acting as his conscience, he would have sent those troops to attack the tribes himself. Not because he was a hateful man, but because he was a ruler who had to think of the best interests of his people above all else."
K'lrsa wanted to argue with him, but she couldn't. The stupid knowledge she'd gained from the labyrinth kept flashing in her mind, showing her incidents from history going back thousands of years.
Leaders of nations didn't make choices based on sympathy for outsiders. They chose what was in the best interests of their people.
Or they weren't leaders for long.
Like Badru.
Whose people had turned on him because he acted against them.
"So what am I supposed to do? Kill them all? Destroy the Daliphana?"
"It's one choice, but not the only one."
Once again, knowledge of what had happened in the past flooded her mind. If they had a natural barrier like a mountain range or sea, they could hide behind it, confident that it would keep them safe. Or they could fight to a mutual standstill, both equally as powerful and unwilling to continue the conflict. They could surrender to the Daliphana, set their own terms.
All had worked in the past.
The question was, which would she choose?
"What do you think I should do?" she asked.
He shook his head. "This choice you have to make on your own, K'lrsa. Take the night. Rest. Think on it. What you want will determine what choices you're given when it comes time to choose your weapon."
He gestured to a small path through the foliage. She could just see the outline of a tent waiting for her.
"I don't want to go yet
."
He patted her hand. "Don't worry. I'll be back in the morning. With your mother. Go. Rest."
When she still resisted, he gave her his most stern look and said, "K'lrsa dan V'na, I order you to go to bed." And then he laughed, the sound so rich and happy it warmed her to her toes. "I haven't had to order you around like that since you were little! Now go."
She gave him a quick hug, hoping it wouldn't be their last, and walked down the path, lost in her thoughts, unsure what she'd decide come the morning.
Chapter 82
K'lrsa couldn't sleep. She knew the sensible choice was to choose a weapon that would destroy her enemies, but she didn't want to be the person to wield a weapon like that. And the knowledge she'd gained from the labyrinth also let her see how one act of destruction could echo and reverberate through hundreds of years.
Only if she killed every last man, woman, and child in the Daliphana and every single person who had every sympathized with them would she maybe have a chance of avoiding those repercussions. But she couldn't do that.
Badru came to find her at some point in the night. She was tempted, not knowing when or if they'd ever have the chance to be together again, to take things further than they'd ever taken them, but she held back, knowing it would just confuse the decision she ultimately had to make about whether or not to return to the Hidden City to be with him.
The next morning they made their way back to the room where they'd eaten the day before. Her mother was there—they exchanged a fierce hug, both trying not to cry.
"I didn't want to lose you," K'lrsa whispered.
"I know. But I couldn't do it anymore. I'm so much happier now."
K'lrsa flinched away from her joy. She'd given her life, left her children behind, and all for what? Love? If it could do that to a person, maybe she didn't want it.
She glanced past her mother to where Herin and Garzel sat. "I should say hello to the others."
"K'lrsa…"
"Yes?"
She took a deep breath. "I want you to know I'm proud of you. I always have been."
K'lrsa couldn't speak past the lump in her throat.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
They hugged, both shaking from the strength of their emotions.
K'lrsa walked over to Herin who sat hunched on a camp stool as grel-like as ever. "Why didn't you tell me? I would've kept him away."
"Pzah. You were no more capable of keeping him away than I was. If you'd tried to leave him behind, he would've just come here himself. At least this way he was able to help you through the labyrinth."
K'lrsa sighed.
Herin smiled. "Plus you know how much I like my secrets."
K'lrsa laughed. She studied Herin's hands, still maimed, each one missing its top joint. "So even in death you carry his mark?"
"What? Oh. Hadn't really thought about it, they're so much a part of me now." Herin held her hands up and narrowed her eyes as she focused on each hand. The air shimmered for a moment and when it was done each finger was whole.
Herin flexed her fingers with a small smile.
K'lrsa reached out to touch one old, wrinkled fingertip, her mouth open in awe.
"Oh, honestly, child. You'd think I'd performed a miracle. I'm dead, remember?"
K'lrsa shook her head. Even in death Herin was still Herin.
Herin gripped her arm. "Promise me you'll stop Aran."
K'lrsa sighed. "If I stop him someone else will just rise to take his place."
"Yes, but no."
"What does that mean?"
"Someone else will rise to lead the Toreem Daliphate. But there's a vast difference between a man like Aran and a man like Badru. A man like Aran always wants more. A man like Badru is content with what he has. He'll only act to maintain that. You can bargain with a man like Badru. You can't bargain with a man like Aran."
"But the Toreem Daliphate won't allow another leader like Badru."
"True. But no one can be as bad as Aran. He brings out the worst in others. Men do things for him they would never do otherwise. He gives them license to indulge the worst part of themselves. I'm not saying they'd be kind and wonderful if he didn't exist, but they wouldn't be what they are with him there."
K'lrsa shook her head. "I just want to save the tribes, Herin. Let someone else deal with Aran."
"Pzah, girl. Think what the world becomes if those who can stand against evil don’t."
"There has to be another way. Someone else…"
"Well, there isn't. No one in the Toreem Daliphate will act. They're too scared."
"Badru would."
"Yes, well, Badru's dead, isn't he?"
"Like I needed reminding." She turned to see her father watching from the far side of the room and walked over to him.
"Have you figured out what you're going to do?" he asked.
"No." She leaned against the wall. "Did you ever question whether you should speak out against the Black Horse Tribe? Did you know they might kill you?"
He bowed his head, a line forming between his brows as he searched for an answer. "I knew I was making enemies. I knew some would oppose me. I even suspected they would try to expel me or the White Horse Tribe. But I didn't think they'd kill me. Or turn on us the way they did."
"If you'd known, would you have still done it?"
He nodded. "Yes. Someone has to be the first to stand. You either do what's right, regardless of what others choose, or you accept a life that's less than what it could be. Things might not turn out no matter what you do, but at least if you stand for what you believe in you'll know you tried." He shook his head. "Too many watch in silence and let evil thrive. That's what bad people count on, the silent majority. Don't you think there were those in the Black Horse Tribe who didn't want to see slaves brought across the desert? But did they speak out? No. And look what happened."
"But…How can one person make any difference? You tried and they killed you."
"One person can't make a difference. Not alone. But if one person stands against evil and others stand with them then they will make a difference."
She frowned. "But that first person. What if no one stands with them?"
He smiled, a soft, sad smile. "Maybe by standing and falling they inspire two more to stand next time. And when those two fall they inspire four. Who inspire eight. Until the sheer mass of those who choose to stand is enough to tip the balance."
She nodded. It made sense. But it didn't matter. Because she had to make a choice now.
Chapter 83
As K'lrsa stepped away from her father, Badru met her. Wordlessly, he pulled her into a hug. She leaned against him, breathing the sweet scent of his skin for a long moment.
It wasn't fair. That he could feel so real, so alive. It was a cruel thing the Maiden had done all those years ago. To make something lost seem so real.
It was hard enough to move on when someone died, but this…this was intolerable.
She wondered if there was a weapon in that room that would destroy the Hidden City.
She shivered.
If there was, would she use it? Could she forever close herself to the possibility of seeing her loved ones again?
She closed her eyes.
She'd thought she wanted to be someone important, to be that person that everyone looked to to save them. To solve all their problems and rescue them.
But she didn't.
Not now that she'd had a taste of the personal toll it took. Of the uncertainty and doubt that came with having other's lives in her hands.
She just wanted to be left alone to live her life as best she could. To spend her days hunting with Fallion and her nights…
Alone.
She pushed away from Badru. "I should go. We don't have much time left."
He nodded. "Remember, I'll be here for you when you're done. I'll wait as long as I need to."
"Badru…I don't know…I…"
"Shh. Don't make a decision now. I told Lodie
I'd wait for her, too. I'm not going anywhere. Not for a long while. And if you decide to come back, I'll be here, waiting."
She kissed him softly on the lips, melting into the soft honey taste of him for a long moment before she pulled away.
"It's time," the Lady said, coming to stand in the entrance to the hallway.
K'lrsa joined her and Vedhe.
She turned to look at all the ones she loved who she would never see again after she left the City.
"Come. You'll be able to say goodbye after you choose."
K'lrsa followed the Lady down the hall, the weight of everyone's hopes weighing on her shoulders, Vedhe keeping pace at her side.
"What will you choose?" she asked Vedhe, realizing she hadn't given much thought to the girl. What was it she wanted?
Vedhe shrugged. "I don't know. A part of me wants to raze the Daliphana to the ground until not a single stone is left standing."
K'lrsa stumbled. "Why?"
Vedhe looked at her like she was a fool for not knowing. "They killed my family. They took me as a slave. Their men raped me."
"But it wasn't everyone."
"No. But everyone in the Daliphana benefits from what they do. I wasn't the first they took, nor the last. They all know about it. There are no innocents."
"The children."
Vedhe shrugged one shoulder. "I probably won't do it. I'm not sure I could stop there."
K'lrsa blinked, taken aback by Vedhe's words.
"Who else would you attack?"
Vedhe didn't answer and wouldn't look at her.
"Vedhe? Who else?"
She flashed back to the memory of Vedhe's tent, staked out so far from the others of the tribe. To Lodie, skinny from lack of food.
"I may not make a choice at all."
"What?"
Vedhe smiled, her scarred skin twisting upward. "Remember, every object in that room was deemed too dangerous for men. Maybe it's best we leave them there."
K'lrsa chewed on her lip. Vedhe was right. Maybe nothing in that room was safe.
The Lady stopped outside a door, her hand on the metal handle. "Are you ready?"
Vedhe shrugged. "I confess, I do want to see what there is. I want to know my choices before I turn away. See what the room offers up to me. It's…a test of character."
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