Doing It! - Going Beyond the Sexual Revolution (John Warren Wells on Sexual Behavior Book 13)

by Lawrence Block

  Chapter Four

  Dear Jack,

  I just read the first installment of Group Grope (Editor’s Note: Now called Letters to John Warren Wells) in the October issue of Swank and found it very interesting. Like a great many people, I have been toying with the idea of swinging but seriously doubt whether I will ever go so far as to try it. Your remarks in answer to the question How do you get your wife to go along with it? really hit home. From time to time I’ve found myself thinking of ways to “con” my wife into giving it a try, and realize now that I don’t want her to get involved in anything she’s not ready for. I must admit that swinging sounds like paradise to me, but it would have to be paradise for both of us or it just would not be worth it to me . . .

  Here’s something I heard the other day that I thought was really way out. A business acquaintance was telling me how he and his wife were on some sort of far-out diet where you eat nothing but brown rice, and he went on and on about how it did wonders for his sex life. Have you ever heard anything about this or is it as I suspect a lot of bull? I thought I’d heard everything, but this is the first time I ever heard of rice being an aphrodisiac!

  The very best of luck with the column. I think it should fill a real need.

  Al

  Thanks for the kind words for the column. Yours was the first letter received in response to it, and I certainly was glad to see it. It’s you people out there who have to write Group Grope, you know, and it’ll be as good or bad as you make it. You can’t expect me to write the whole bloody thing every month. I’m too busy drinking and playing cards.

  Yes, I’ve heard of the brown rice diet. Is it a lot of bull? No, not really, but you better believe it’s a lot of rice. The regimen your friend was talking about is the macrobiotic diet, a system which actually consists of seven diets, the most extreme of which is limited to brown rice. The less rigid diets include vegetables and seafood in varying proportions, but brown rice is the staple throughout. Macrobiotics was invented by a Japanese named George Ohsawa, who claimed that it cured all disease, made one healthy from head to toe, and was in harmony with the Universe.

  This isn’t the place to explain the diet. There’s a paperback out called You Are All Sankapu which provides a good rundown of the subject. I went on the brown rice diet a couple of years ago, lost thirty pounds effortlessly in a little over a month, felt great all the time, and realized ultimately that I was being bored to death by all that damned rice. So that was the end of that. One of the things you do with the rice, by the way, is chew each mouthful of it twenty-five times before swallowing. Do that with anything and you’ll lose weight. You burn up more calories chewing than you swallow.

  Is brown rice an aphrodisiac? No, of course not. I could give you a long list of things that aren’t, from powdered rhinoceros horn to bull’s balls, but why bother? Take it as a general rule of thumb that nothing is an aphrodisiac.

  No food creates sexual desire in and of itself. Which might seem to indicate that your friend was full of crap, but that doesn’t necessarily follow. Any strong enthusiasm, dietary or otherwise, is apt to have a positive effect on one’s sex life by virtue of one’s enthusiasm alone. The belief does it all by itself. Whether you’re chewing grains of rice or twisting yourself into yogic asanas or worshiping the sun, you’re essentially repeating Coue’s words, telling yourself that every day in every way you’re getting better and better. So as long as the enthusiasm lasts you’ll be breathing deeper and waking up peppier and, along with everything else, screwing better.

  And there’s a little more to it than that. In addition to eating brown rice, your macrobiotic friend is not doing a lot of things. He’s not drinking, not having tea or coffee, not eating refined starches and sugars, not falling asleep early with a full stomach. All of this will do him no harm in bed. And if he and his wife are both on the diet, there’s this great sense of shared purpose between them, this feeling of being especially close and moving together toward a goal. That sort of thing always peps up a marriage.

  I think diet in general has a definite effect on sex in that it has an effect on overall health. The healthier you are, the better your sex life is apt to be. A general practice of selecting natural foods, avoiding additives and refined carbohydrates, having a generally high protein intake—all of this will make you screw more, if only because you’ll live longer and have more years to screw in.

  More specifically, I know people who swear by the sexual benefits of Vitamin E, and others who won’t stop talking about ginseng root. I’m partial to Irish whiskey, myself. The more I drink, the better most women look.

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  I read the letter in your column from Alfred. The one who wants to watch his wife make it with another man.

  Well, let me just say that I’m the man for the job. Age thirty-seven, six-one, 187 lb., dark hair and blue eyes and considered very good looking. (See enclosed photo.) My penis measures four and three-quarters inches around and seven and three-quarters inches in length when erect. I can sustain an erection for an hour or more.

  So send me Alfred’s address or else send my address to him and tell him to get in touch with me any time.

  Brad

  You shouldn’t have stopped with Alfred’s letter. The one after it in the same column was from a young homosexual who wanted me to introduce him to truck drivers. I told him the same thing I’ll tell you.

  No.

  Letters, etc. is a forum for the exchange of information and ideas, not addresses and phone numbers. Let me say it again—no one is going to be put in touch with anyone else through this column.

  Incidentally, Brad, I showed your nude photograph to one of the secretaries here at Swank. She thinks you ought to let your hair grow.

  Dear Jack,

  I found the first installment of Group Grope very interesting and entertaining. I’m sorry to say I have never read any of your books, but will be checking the newsstands for them from now on . . .

  As for why men want to have their sperm swallowed after fellatio, I would say that it’s part of the basic sex urge to get completely inside of the woman. If in her vagina the desire is to have the seed swallowed. Also when a woman swallows your sperm she is saying that she treasures it and regards it as good enough to eat. To my way of thinking, fellatio is the most loving act a woman can perform, and swallowing the man’s discharge is the deepest expression of that love. What do you think?

  Lester

  I think you’re probably right.

  Sorry you haven’t read any of my books. And do keep checking the newsstands. I can use the royalties. Meanwhile, here’s a letter from someone who has read some of them. This was not written in response to the column, but it fits.

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  My husband and I have read several of your books, including The New Sexual Underground and Three Is Not A Crowd. Although we are not swingers by any means and have had no experience outside of marriage, we find your books very interesting and often “get a kick” out of them.

  I wonder if I can ask you a question about something that has become a problem with us. Not exactly a problem but something that has been difficult for us.

  The difficulty is that my husband for many years has expressed an interest in having intercourse in the “Greek” way. By this of course I mean anal or rectal intercourse, the insertion of his penis into my anus. For a long time he would hint about this or make jokes toward the end, and then began to say openly that he would like to try it.

  The trouble is—it hurts!!! We have made the attempt in all a total of three times. On the first two occasions I simply could not “open up” enough to make any progress on account of the pain, and after several minutes of frustration he would lose his erection. On the third occasion which was two weeks ago he was persistent, not losing his erection as he had done previously but keeping at it until he was able to get it inside me. The pain was terrible. It felt like having a hot poker splitting me up the middle. He had an orgasm whic
h he said was out of this world but for me there was nothing in it but pain.

  I know he would like to do this again. For my part I do not like to deny him something he finds so enjoyable. For I suspect he would only seek it elsewhere, meaning with another woman, which would upset me. We are at the point where we find ourselves thinking about swinging, so that he could find a woman who might enjoy this. Aside from this one point we really have no interest in swinging, and I have certain strong reservations on the entire subject.

  So my question is this. Is it possible for a woman to learn to enjoy this form of sexual relations? This may sound naive, but I cannot help feeling that no woman really enjoys it, and some simply learn to put up with it to please their husbands. I would be willing to do so even with no enjoyment for my part, as I get plenty of pleasure from other things that we do, and except for anal intercourse have always enjoyed sex in all its shapes and forms.

  I have read that some people object to anal sex on grounds that it is dirty. I do not have any hang-up in this regard, and do not consider myself a prude generally, enjoying fellatio and cunnilingus tremendously and also coitus in all its positions. I do not believe my husband’s organ is abnormally large, measuring 6 and one half inches in length when fully erect and 4 inches around. As to whether or not I am unusually small in the anus I wouldn’t know, not knowing how to go about measuring!

  Apologizing for wasting your time with this silly letter, but any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated by both of us.

  Beatrice

  • • •

  Can a woman learn to enjoy anal intercourse?

  Yes, definitely. Not a few women find it more satisfying than vaginal intercourse. Others find it an agreeable alternative, either for variety’s sake or during the vagina’s monthly vacation. Similarly, a substantial number of male homosexuals achieve the greatest degree of sexual satisfaction from the passive role in anal intercourse.

  For participants of either sex, the pastime can lead to orgasm in and of itself. The anal orgasm tends to be somewhat different from the vaginal orgasm. From descriptions, it would appear that the buildup of sexual excitement is more gradual, with the climax itself taking the form of a spasmodic rippling of the rectum. This spasm in turn can be extremely exciting for one’s partner. On the other hand, while virtually anyone can learn to enjoy anal intercourse, scarcely anyone enjoys it completely at the beginning. The block to enjoyment is almost invariably pain, the sort of pain Beatrice describes. As I read recently on the wall of a public lavatory, “Buggery is a real pain in the ass.”

  But it doesn’t have to be. Simple repetition of the act will generally teach the passive partner how to “bend over and enjoy it” as it were. Through practice, the anus “learns” to accommodate the object thrust into it. Any number of persons have told me that anal intercourse was painful in the extreme for the first two or four or six times, but that on subsequent occasions pain ceased to be a factor.

  Yet no loving husband wants to inflict great pain on his wife, however selfless his ultimate objective. There are a few ways a wife can train herself for this role, and there are techniques a husband can use to make things simpler.

  (1) Training the anus. There are a variety of exercises a woman can perform alone. Basically, they all involve inserting into the anus objects smaller than a penis, at once accustoming the organ to the presence of foreign objects while teaching it to respond to the pleasures of penetration.

  The best possible device is one made and sold for precisely this purpose. It is usually identified as an anal vibrator, and consists of a handle containing two or three flashlight batteries and a soft rubber extension five inches long and a half inch in diameter. This extension is anointed with a sterile lubricant such as K-Y Jelly and inserted into the anus. While small enough to be accommodated painlessly, it otherwise duplicates the feel of a male organ well enough. The batteries make the thing vibrate gently, and women employing it can frequently come to orgasm in this manner, especially with the assistance of digital manipulation of the clitoris as an accompaniment.

  In the absence of such a device—they are generally to be obtained only by mail or in urban adult book stores—various other objects may be pressed into service. Be extremely careful, though, not to use anything sharp, which could injure tender tissues, or anything which might get lost in there. Altogether too many doctors have listened to altogether too many unlikely explanations of how pens, pencils, paper clips, bobby pins, and other ill-chosen implements have found their way into the wrong place. Whatever you tell your doctor, he’s not going to believe it. Pick something big enough to hold onto. A very long, tapered candle is a fair choice.

  (2) Preparing for anal intercourse. A husband initiating his wife to backdoor delights ought to do more than get her to bend over. The proper approach involves at least as much in the way of foreplay as is commonly advised for vaginal intercourse. In order for the anus to dilate properly, and for its owner to overcome the automatic instinctive impulse to clam up, the anus itself should be stimulated. Again, the vibrator is an ideal icebreaker, so to speak. Lacking it, tender lingual and digital ministrations are a great help.

  The most common posture for anal intercourse, and hence for anal foreplay, has the passive partner kneeling like a female dog awaiting service. There is an alternative position which might occasionally be preferable, in which the woman lies on her back with her legs spread, but with her knees raised higher than for coitus in the same position.

  (3) Intromission. The insertion of the penis into the anus should be managed in a gentle and unhurried manner. K-Y Jelly must be applied liberally to both penis and anus. Even when the partner has been well-prepared, a certain amount of discomfort is to be expected. When pain is experienced or resistance met, the male partner should not withdraw but should pause until his partner’s anal sphincter relaxes. Then he may press a little further, stop, wait, and then continue. Once insertion is complete, he ought to pause so that the anus can get physically accustomed to the idea of accommodating so large an object.

  This general approach, modified in individual cases through trial and error, should make things simpler. If any readers have had experience along these lines and have suggestions to offer, I’d be very glad to hear from them. And for another approach to anal intercourse, albeit a wildly hysterical one, I’d recommend Lawrence Block’s new novel, Ronald Rabbit is a Dirty Old Man. It just might do for buggery what Portnoy’s Complaint did for masturbation. Speaking of which—

  Dear Mr. Wells,

  I have read in several books on sex that masturbation is normal and not hazardous to health, but that “excessive” masturbation can be abnormal or harmful. What I would like to know is how much is too much? In other words, how often could a person masturbate before it would be considered to be excessive?

  I suppose this is a pretty stupid question but it has been on my mind and there is no one I could ask. I’m sure you won’t want to publish this in your column but I would greatly appreciate a reply.

  Ted

  I don’t think it’s a stupid question. Surprise! Here it is in the column.

  It’s a very simple one to answer, too. You’ll know you’re masturbating to excess when your ears fall off. Sorry about that. Seriously, this business about “excessive” masturbation is a bit of equivocation on the part of sexologists who have been reluctant to endorse masturbation wholeheartedly. So they say that normal masturbation is normal but abnormal masturbation is abnormal, and anyone who can make sense out of that can probably read Andy Warhol novels with pleasure.

  Albert Ellis pointed out some years ago that the whole concept of excessive masturbation is physiologically absurd. A human being can no more masturbate to excess than he can copulate to excess. The sexual apparatus simply stops responding when it’s had enough.

  This is not to say that there is no such thing as compulsive masturbation. Some people find themselves going through stages during which masturbation becomes an e
scape mechanism, a vehicle for delivery from reality. When masturbation becomes this sort of preoccupation it is indicative of a disturbed personality, but it emerges as symptom rather than cause.

  The same authorities who invented “excessive” masturbation also view sexual solitaire as something which is normal and healthy during adolescence but which is abandoned upon the attainment of adult sexuality, after which time it is indulged in only during periods of extended deprivation of the company of the opposite sex. Thus they have freed people from adolescent guilt and left them worrying that they are still functioning now at an adolescent level.

  If you’re a married man who occasionally finds himself beating off in the bathroom while the wife lies sleeping a few yards away, quit hating yourself for it. Happens to everybody now and then. They still tell the story of a lawyer who asked a famous Supreme Court Justice in his eighties at what age men lose the desire to masturbate. “I’m afraid I can’t answer that,” said the Very Old Person. “You’ll have to ask a much older man than I.” Incidentally, female masturbation increases after marriage.

  Mr. Wells,

  I read your Group Grope column with great interest. I am an industrial chemist, 38, and my wife is a teacher, 36. We have been married for almost fifteen years and have been on the verge of swinging for several months, having engaged in some correspondence but not having yet taken the plunge. I suspect we will do so, as our feelings presently are about the same as a conclusion you came to in your discussion of swinging. Since this has become an obsession with us, I feel it is better to go ahead and give it a try than to spend the rest of our lives wondering about it.

  My wife’s main “hang-up,” if you want to call it that, is her breasts. They are small, and she feels inadequate as a result. She is convinced that she will fail to turn the other man on because of it. I think this is nonsense as she has a beautiful figure, but it is a very real concern to her . . .