by Rena Olsen
The past few months had been a whirlwind of dress fittings and wedding decisions. I worked especially hard not to stay too late at work, as Elaine had pointed out earlier, because Bryce was always crabbier when dinner was late. I spent most of my time at his house now, except for sleeping there, and had begun the slow process of going through my things in my apartment and moving what I was keeping over to the house. The wedding was two months away. With everything going on, I had considered suggesting that we pick a date a little further out, maybe in the summer, but Nancy and the Reverend thought it would be nice for us to marry on their anniversary in May.
Nancy had pretty much taken over the wedding planning, which I knew bothered my mom a bit, but I was grateful. Between all the extra classes I was doing for church and for work, I was glad to let someone else make decisions about the wedding. She ran everything by me, of course, and her taste was exquisite. It would be a fabulous event.
“You look tired, Julia,” the Reverend commented. “Is everything okay?”
I sent him a sunny smile. “Of course! I’m learning so much here, and in my marketing classes, but it’s all working out really well.”
He looked at me. “Do you really believe that?”
My heart sank as I interpreted that look. I really thought it was going fine, but apparently the Reverend felt differently. “It’s been weird getting rid of stuff in my apartment,” I said. “More emotional than I expected.”
“We talked about that, Jules,” Bryce said. “It makes more sense for us to start fresh together.”
I patted his knee. “Yes, I know. And my stuff is old. But it has a lot of sentimental value. Honestly, that’s almost as draining as anything else.”
“Would you like Nancy to come over and help?” the Reverend offered. “She’s a whiz at organization.”
“I’m aware,” I said, picturing Nancy’s lists and notebooks for the wedding. “She’s whipped the wedding right into shape. But maybe I’ll have Van come over and help. We can reminisce over the college memorabilia.” I hadn’t seen Van since her bridesmaid dress fitting a couple of weeks ago, and we hadn’t had any alone time since before the engagement. It seemed that every time we planned to hang out, something came up. It would be nice to spend time with her face-to-face instead of grabbing a few minutes on the phone.
Van had also agreed to step in as my matron of honor, since Kate had told my mom in no uncertain terms that she would not be attending my wedding to “that man.” Her rejection stung, but I’d talked through it with Susie and with Bryce, and both assured me that taking a break from that relationship was for the best. I still hoped we could repair it one day, but giving it time seemed like the best option for now.
The Reverend leaned forward. “Is that the best use of your time, Julia? With work and classes and wedding planning and moving and all of your commitments here, do you really have an evening to spare going through old junk knowing that you probably won’t get much done?”
That was harsh, and I sat back, a little stunned. “Isn’t it important to take time to rest as well? To recharge?”
“You’ve done this, Julia,” the Reverend said. “You’ve stacked your plate so high that you don’t have the luxury of taking it easy unless you’re willing to give something up.”
I crossed my arms. “You mean my job.” It was an old conversation that kept recycling, and I was tired of it, not only because I could feel my resolve weakening every time we discussed it.
“Just hear him out,” Bryce said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug it off, but I also drew comfort from his touch.
“You want me to hear him out because he’s on your side.”
“Whoa,” Bryce removed his hand. “Since when are there sides? Aren’t we on the same side?”
“I’m a little concerned about your hostility, Julia,” the Reverend said. “All we’re doing is having a conversation. That’s what premarital counseling is about. Talking through issues and coming to solutions.”
“And I’m concerned that my job has been considered an ‘issue’ since the night Bryce put this ring on my hand,” I said, spinning the offending jewelry on my finger. I turned to Bryce. “You said that I’ve known about your dedication to church and God from the start. Well, you’ve known about my passion for my work and my dream to have a long career since we met.”
Bryce took both my hands, looking deeply in my eyes. “Dreams can change, Julia. God never will. He’s a constant. And I wonder if your moods lately have to do with Him nudging you in a direction you hadn’t planned.”
“Why is it always my dreams that need to change?”
Bryce and the Reverend exchanged a look, which irritated me more. I tugged my hands free.
The Reverend gave me an appraising look, which he had perfected. It was as if he could see into my very soul. Maybe he could. I had rarely been angry at the Reverend. He just didn’t bring out those feelings in me. But tonight I felt as if he and Bryce were ganging up on me.
“How is work going, Julia?” the Reverend asked.
“Great.”
He sighed. “I’m going to ask again. How is work going?”
And I broke. I started crying and told them about my conversation with Elaine that afternoon. “She said that she took a chance on me and she was regretting it. I haven’t stayed late most of the times she’s asked me to because I had to come to meetings or sessions here, or we had an appointment with Ron and Shirley.” Our mentor couple had been wonderful, but they had also wanted to meet more often than I was first told, just adding to my list of things to keep track of. “I completely missed a meeting yesterday because I just spaced it off. I feel pulled in every direction and I don’t even think I know what I want anymore.”
There it was. I’d said it. I had been clinging so fiercely to the path I’d put myself on years ago, and I’d been ignoring how unhappy it made me. Work was a series of unfinished tasks and resentful stares from those I’d been promoted above, and while Elaine appreciated some of the work I’d been doing, she’d noticed my split focus. She hadn’t given me any indication that my job was in jeopardy, but I felt the stress of it in every e-mail, every request to meet. She still wanted me as her protégé, but I knew she was frustrated with my lack of progress. And if I didn’t pass the classes, it was a moot point anyway. I couldn’t do the job without my DMA certification.
Bryce rubbed my back in slow circles as I cried myself out. “I knew something was up,” he said, though he wasn’t talking to me. He addressed the Reverend. “She’s been so snappy at home, always working on something. We’re not even married and I feel like I never see her.” He sighed. “I miss her.”
There was the guilt. The guilt that I felt whenever I had to pick something up instead of making dinner for us. Whenever I had to leave early to get home and do homework or attend a study group, though I skipped most of those. Bryce was busy as well, helping the Reverend with his court case, but we hadn’t even had time to talk about it. It wasn’t healthy.
“Julia,” the Reverend said, his voice soft. “There’s a reason you haven’t been invited to participate in the Gathering yet. God has told me that there’s a blockage, and I think we just found the source. He cannot be One with you until you sort it out.”
I nodded. I thought as much. I’d been observing the Gathering for months now, but the Reverend hadn’t even shown an inkling to invite me to participate. Each week that I was passed over added to my feelings of inadequacy. Taking a deep breath, I sat up, leaning into Bryce, who kept a protective arm around me.
“I think you know what you need to do, Julia,” the Reverend said, his pale eyes piercing mine.
I nodded. I did know.
* * *
—
The next day I walked into Elaine’s office and quit my job. I cleaned out my desk, e-mailed my instructors to drop my certification classes, and walk
ed out of the office without a backward glance. I had a new dream.
Chapter 18
My wedding day dawned clear and bright. It was the perfect spring day, and I was grateful for the sunshine. I’d barely slept the night before, due to a mix of excitement and anxiety. I had no second thoughts about becoming Mrs. Bryce Covington, but after the bachelorette party last night, which mainly consisted of doing facials and eating snacks with my bridesmaids, I’d been hit with a wave of sadness. I pulled out my phone and typed out a text.
Wish you were here. It’s not too late to come to the wedding.
Before I could think twice, I sent the message off to Kate and rolled out of my bed, or rather, off my mattress. The apartment was basically empty at this point, with only a few pieces of furniture that would be collected next week to go to Goodwill. I stumbled out into the living room to find Van sprawled on my couch, and I smiled.
“Hey,” I said, nudging her with my knee. “Good morning. Time to rise and shine and focus on me for an entire day.”
Van rolled over and swatted at my legs. “Go away.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to call me ‘Your Highness’ today,” I mused, stepping out of her reach. That got me a pillow to the face. It didn’t take long for it to devolve into a full-on pillow fight. Even as I attacked, I relished this easy play between us. The only shadow was the knowledge that I hadn’t yet told her that I’d left my position at the firm. I worried that she wouldn’t be happy for me, wouldn’t understand. The secret had acted like a wedge in our friendship. I’d never shut Van out of anything before.
Still, I felt so much lighter since leaving my job. I suddenly had time to do all the other things I needed to do, and I barely missed it, especially with the wedding planning. I spent much of my time at the church now, planning with Nancy or helping with design things, so I wouldn’t have had much extra time for Van anyway. Susie thought that Van was probably jealous of my devotion. I’d told her about the time soon after my engagement when Van pulled me aside and asked if I was sure about Bryce. It wasn’t malicious, like with Kate. She was genuinely concerned I was moving too fast for my first relationship after Jake. But she supported me, was standing with me today no matter what reservations she might have held at one time.
Unfortunately, even Bryce had suggested that I step back from my friendship with Van. I had refused him just as I had refused Susie when she suggested it, just as I had ignored Nancy’s pointed look when I made Van my matron of honor. I knew we would get back to where we’d been. Just because we didn’t see eye to eye on everything and just because we didn’t see each other all the time didn’t mean we had to end the friendship. Bryce and I had almost had another fight when he suggested replacing her as matron of honor. He thought Stacy was a better option to stand with me, since she “truly understood our faith.” But there was no way I was replacing Van.
A knock at the door interrupted our giggling fight, and I called a truce while I stumbled to answer it. I opened the door to find Nancy and Stacy waiting for me. Nancy strode in and looked at Van on the floor, still breathing hard, and raised an eyebrow at me.
“Good morning, ladies. Stacy tells me the party went well last night.”
“It was great,” I said, smiling at Stacy. I had been making an effort to get to know her better, and had made her a bridesmaid out of deference to Bryce after his failed attempt to insert her as my matron of honor, but I still couldn’t quite connect with her. I was surprised when I was trying to build my wedding party at how few friends from the past I was still in touch with. Even the Cat Pack didn’t get together anymore, though they were all invited to the wedding. But Bryce preferred a small wedding party anyway, so we kept the attendant list small, two each.
Once Nancy arrived, the games were over. Van usually avoided being around at the same time as any of my church friends, but especially Nancy, and when I asked her about it she just said that Nancy gave her a weird vibe. It saddened me because I loved them both, but they were very different. Case in point, Nancy immediately took charge and started ordering us around. She was as determined to make this day perfect as I was, so it didn’t bother me.
Nancy had offered to drive us all to the salon, but Van declined. “I’d rather have my own car,” she said, “in case I need to run out for anything for Julia.”
“I’m not sure why you would need to, dear,” Nancy said. “I’ve taken care of everything.”
“Still,” Van said, keeping her voice even, though I could tell she was irritated. “Just in case.”
“Very well. We’ll see you over there.”
“I’ll ride with you, Van,” I said, moving to join her on her walk to her car, parked down the block.
“Oh, I need to discuss a few last-minute details with you, Julia. We won’t have much time once everything gets rolling,” Nancy said, opening the passenger door to her car. Stacy was already in the backseat, buckled in and ready to go.
“It’s only a quick drive, Nancy,” I said. Van stood on the sidewalk, waiting on my decision.
“Precisely,” Nancy said. “Which is why we need to use every minute.”
I shrugged an apology at Van, who shook her head and took off jogging toward her car. I got into Nancy’s car, and she immediately shoved a photographer’s pamphlet in my hands.
“I need you to double-check our choices on which poses and portraits we want of the wedding party.”
I stared at her. “Nancy, we spent hours deciding on this weeks ago. We went over it at least three times.”
“And now that it’s your wedding day, I want to be sure you’re still sure. We won’t be able to go back and make these decisions again, Julia.”
I sighed. “Of course.” But as soon as I started looking through the sample poses, I got excited again. I was getting married.
* * *
—
The day passed in a blur. Nancy seemed to have everything under control, but she kept double-checking my opinion on everything. I appreciated her attention to detail, but I did get slightly irritated when she interrupted my moment with my mom, who hadn’t been included in any of the morning activities. It was time for pictures, and we had just a few minutes together before Nancy bustled in.
“Are you ready for your reveal with Bryce?” Nancy asked. “I thought the garden would be the perfect spot for some photos.”
We’d discussed whether we wanted to do a reveal and pictures ahead of time or after, but in the end, for the sake of time, we decided to do a private time with Bryce seeing me for the first time, and then most of the family and wedding party pictures before the ceremony.
I looked at my mom and leaned forward to give her one more hug.
“You are so beautiful,” she whispered, and tears pricked my eyes. I knew we were both thinking of the last time we were in this situation, and it was the three of us on Kate’s wedding day. I hadn’t gotten a text back, and Mom said Kate wasn’t responding to her, either. She’d hoped my sister would swallow her pride and show up, but I wasn’t holding my breath. I patted the small purse that held the charm bracelet that matched Kate’s. We’d gotten them at a flea market years ago. I’d wanted to wear it today, to feel as if Kate was with me at least in spirit, but Nancy had wrinkled her nose at the colorful jangling charms and presented me with a sparkling diamond bracelet instead, a gift from her and the Reverend. I had slipped the charm bracelet into my purse, knowing it would still keep Kate close. Blinking back the tears, I released my mother and got up to follow Nancy to the garden.
The moment I saw Bryce for the first time on our wedding day, he took my breath away. By his hard swallow, he was similarly affected. I was glad it was only the photographer and the bridal party witnessing this moment, though to me it seemed that Bryce and I were the only two in the world. He approached me and took my hands reverently, as if he didn’t want to break me. He leaned his forehead on mine and began
to pray, and I closed my eyes and thanked God for bringing this man into my life.
Though I’d seen him before, he took my breath away again when I saw him standing at the front of the church a couple of hours later. The sanctuary was packed, as if the entire congregation had shown up, but I could only see him. I remembered little of the service, so lost was I in Bryce’s eyes, swimming with tears that reflected my own. With our vows, and our rings, we promised ourselves to each other, and sealed it with a kiss. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this man. My husband.
* * *
—
The reception flew by. I danced the night away, and didn’t even see Van or my parents slip out. And when Bryce and I stumbled into our house, our home, in the late hours of the night, no words were necessary as we made our way to our bedroom for the first time as husband and wife. And then I was finally, completely and totally, his.
Raising her left hand above the surface of the water, she examines the large diamond adorning her third finger. Given the choice, would he have chosen her over this ring? Would he have put her ahead of everything he had built for himself? She doesn’t know. And doesn’t care. She has taken the choice out of his hands. She is the one doing the choosing now.
PART IV
HONOR AND OBEY
Chapter 19
The water lapped against the dock as I sat on the bench at the end, appreciating the small ripples in the lake. It was almost sunset, which had become my favorite time of day on our honeymoon, and this was our final evening. The wind was a little chilly, and I wrapped the blanket I’d brought down more tightly around me. Bryce was up in the cabin, reading. We had spent most of the past week together, alone in the cabin, and though I’d only been down on the dock for fifteen minutes or so, I already missed him.