by Rena Olsen
All the tension rushed out of my body at once as I grabbed the papers from Tim and scanned them. There were more tests in animals, since it was typically used by veterinarians, but while there were some possible side effects, there wasn’t enough evidence to make it statistically significant, especially if the exposure was early on.
A tear dropped on the paper in front of me, and I hadn’t even realized I was crying. I quickly wiped my cheeks, but it was too late. Tim stared at me, his eyes burning with concern. “What is it, Julia? Please tell me.”
I shook my head. I wouldn’t bring him into this. I couldn’t put him at risk. “It’s nothing.”
“Hey,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. “Remember when you wrecked your mom’s car and you didn’t know what to do? Who did you call?”
I shook my head again, refusing to answer.
“What about the time you got caught cheating off of Lizzie Lamb’s Spanish quiz and got suspended? Who helped you convince your parents it was a school holiday?”
My eyes fluttered closed. I was cracking.
“And who beat up Mason Grimes when he got a little handsy at Homecoming?”
“You did,” I whispered.
“What was that?”
“You did,” I repeated, louder. “But, Tim, you can’t save me this time.”
His features clouded over, but then he locked his gaze with mine. “Try me.”
I didn’t mean to tell him everything. I meant to give him a quick background, make up a story about how I might have gotten ketamine in my system, leave the church out of it, but before I knew it, the entire story came spilling out. His face grew more and more stormy as I talked, his fists and jaw clenching unconsciously when I talked about Bryce’s treatment of me.
When I finished, he was silent for a moment, eyes closed as his chest rose and fell rapidly. When he opened his eyes, they were bleak. “I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with all of this alone, Julia. I wish I’d known . . .” He shook his head. “What can I do? How can I help?”
“You can’t do anything,” I said. “It was enough of a risk for me to tell you, but promise me. Promise me you will do nothing.”
“I can’t, Julia. I can’t just let you walk away knowing what you’re going home to.”
“If you want to see me again, you have to. Because if Bryce suspects I’ve breathed even a word of this to you, to anyone, he’ll put me under total house arrest.”
“We can call the police.”
“And tell them what? I promise you now, I’ll deny everything if you call the police. And I’ll still get in trouble. I’m not prepared to bring anyone else into it.”
“Why not?” he said, his voice strained with defeat. I knew then that my secrets were safe, at least for now.
I thought about it. “I don’t know,” I said. “I think part of me still hopes I can find a way to work it out.” I held up a hand as he started to speak. “Don’t say it. I know. I’ve seen all the Lifetime movies. Just . . . it’s enough for now that someone else knows, you know? It helps. You helped.”
He nodded. “Okay.” But he didn’t look convinced. His entire face was shadowed with worry.
Standing, I stretched. “I need to go. Will you take the printouts with you?”
He nodded. “Need a ride?”
“No, we can’t be seen together. You know that. Everyone will suspect the worst.”
He shook his head, disgusted.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?” I waved at him and hurried to the medical section, where I returned the textbook. By the time Vanessa got up there to search through my books, she’d only find books a frantic mother-to-be might look through. She could report that to Bryce all she wanted.
* * *
—
The next several weeks fell into a rhythm. Seeing Tim at least once a week helped me to put on a happy face for the remainder of the week. He brought his wife, Mary, to meet me. She was a petite brunette who seemed a perfect match for Tim. When Tim got very busy with end-of-term tests and papers, it was Mary who met me at the library, who talked to me about life and her adventures, and my hopes for the baby.
At home, Bryce grew more agitated again, but it didn’t seem directed at me, though I ended up getting the brunt of it. He yelled more than he spoke, if he was acknowledging me at all. He rarely touched me anymore, which I was okay with.
On the day of my appointment to find out the sex of the baby, Nancy pulled into the drive instead of Bryce when it was time to go. I didn’t ask any questions, just slid into the passenger seat.
“Bryce was held up,” Nancy said. “Held up” was their favorite excuse. It covered anything from actually being busy to just not wanting to do something. With Bryce’s mood lately, I guessed his excuse was closer to the latter today.
“Okay,” I said, staring out the window.
“He wanted to come,” Nancy said.
Sure he did. That’s why he’d called, apologized, and told me how much he regretting missing this important milestone. Except he hadn’t. I hadn’t heard from him all day. “Of course,” I said to Nancy. “What father wouldn’t want to be present for this?”
“Exactly.” She reached over and patted my knee, completely missing my sarcasm. Of course she did. They all assumed I was still toeing the line, still just as naïve to what they were doing as I had ever been.
After conversations with Tim and Mary, however, I knew even more. I should have done my research before getting sucked into the Church of the Life. But I wasn’t sure it would have made any difference. Bryce had me from the moment I first saw him. My friends and family tried to warn me, but they all gave up on me because I pushed them away. I had only myself to blame for my current situation.
Dr. Herbert greeted us happily, unfazed by Bryce’s absence. I had asked once if there was another doctor I would be seeing for the pregnancy, and Dr. Herbert had acted offended that I’d even suggested it. “I can do all that, Julia. I wouldn’t hear of you seeing anyone else!”
The gel Dr. Herbert poured over my rounded belly was cold, and I shivered. Nancy held my hand as he spread it out and used the wand to find the heartbeat and check anatomy. After a while he looked at me, eyes shining. “Do you want to know?”
I nodded. “Please.”
“It’s a girl.”
There is no one to call. She has been removed from her circle of friends as cleanly as an amputated limb. Or perhaps they are the amputated limb, as she often feels the ghost of their presence, the urge to reach out, to make plans to dance all night and sing bad karaoke as they used to. But none of them would come now, even if he hadn’t removed each of their names from her address book. She shunned them. Pushed them away. Told them they weren’t good enough for her new glamorous life. In their stead he had placed various models of the same type of person, approved by him, just as cold and controlled as he wanted her to be. None of them would come, either. They would be scandalized.
Like a lightning bolt, the fuzz in her brain clears. There is one person who never fell under his spell, who might understand her choice. Who would help her. With trembling fingers, she reaches for her phone on the ledge and dials a number she still remembers despite not using it for months. When the other person picks up, she sighs in relief as tears run down her cheeks.
Chapter 33
“Here, take this,” Tim said, pressing something into my palm.
“What is it?” I opened my hand to see a small phone.
“My number and Mary’s number are already programmed in. We’re the only ones who have that number, but keep it on silent. There’s a password programmed in.” He handed me a charger and a piece of paper with a six-digit code on it. “Memorize it and throw the paper away on your way home.”
“What’s this for, Tim?”
He paced the religion section, agitated. “I’ve got a bad feeling, Julia
. The things you’ve been telling me, Bryce closing off, being more irritable. I’ve heard things aren’t going well for the church. There’s a movement to expose what’s really going on there, but it’s very underground. I can’t even get a read on what they want to expose, or who. But I hate the idea of you being trapped there.”
“This really isn’t necessary,” I said, trying to hand the phone back.
“He’s right,” Mary said. “Our prayer group has been feeling it, too. It would really make us feel better if you had a way to contact us. Only use it if you need it.”
Sighing, I nodded, trying to figure out a good place to keep it. I could hide it in the tampon box. It hadn’t been used in months anyway, and was buried at the back of the bathroom closet. Bryce would never look there. “Thank you.”
I was grateful for my friends, and I trusted their instincts, though I thought they were being a little paranoid now. Ever since I’d told Tim about what was happening he’d been digging around, researching the church, asking people who had left what was going on. The majority had positive experiences, but there were a select few who clammed up as soon as he mentioned the name. I was more worried for him than I was for myself. He was going to get himself into trouble.
Tim and Mary had also been pivotal in helping me reclaim my faith. I realized that my faith had been based on something completely false, on the Reverend and on Bryce. It was tempting to turn my back on religion entirely, but they had helped me find the places in myself where I’d developed my own ideas, read and created my own understanding instead of just listening to what the Reverend said. I didn’t know if it would stick, but it was something.
The couple left soon after giving me the phone, passing Vanessa on their way down. My heart sank when I saw her. “I see them around quite often,” she said. “What were you talking about?”
“Oh, they were just asking questions about the church,” I said. “They’re new to the area and wanted to know about where they could worship.”
Vanessa’s eyes narrowed. “He’s been in here quite a bit. They can’t be that new.”
I shrugged. “Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to finding a place yet. They’ve seen me hanging out in this section, so they thought I could help.” Laughing, I said, “I guess that’s what I get for hanging out in the religion section!”
Vanessa still looked suspicious, but she only said, “Are you checking anything out today?”
“No,” I said. “I think I’m going to head home, though. It’s amazing how much this little girl is taking out of me.”
The Reverend had announced our news to the entire church last Sunday, and I’d been receiving cards all week. I didn’t see Bryce’s face when he learned the baby was a girl, but I could sense that he was disappointed. I assumed he imagined a son he could mold into an image of himself. I couldn’t help but think that my body had formed her into a girl on purpose, to protect her from that. Or maybe there really was a God.
I walked home, my footsteps hurried, and rushed upstairs as soon as I got there. I closed the door to the bathroom and slipped the phone Tim had given me into the tampon box. I used the bathroom for good measure, and was drying my hands as I walked out and saw Bryce seated on the edge of the bed. I jumped.
“Bryce,” I said, putting a hand over my heart. “You startled me.”
“Why did you close the door?” he asked.
“What?”
“Why did you close the door to the bathroom? You don’t close it when I’m here. Why close it when you’re alone?”
He was too calm. “There’s too much space,” I said. “When I’m alone I prefer to keep the door closed so I’m not constantly listening for sounds elsewhere in the house. I used to freak myself out a lot.”
“You never told me that.”
“You never asked.”
“Who is Tim Wilson?”
I swore my heart stopped for a moment. “Who?”
“The man you’ve been meeting at the library for the past several months.”
My head was already shaking in denial. “Bryce, I’m not—”
“Don’t lie to me!” he bellowed, standing and looming over me. “Vanessa told me she’s seen you together multiple times.”
I held up my hands. “Okay. Okay, listen. Tim is a friend from high school. We ran into each other a few weeks ago and now we sit together if we’re at the library at the same time. That’s it.”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“No!” I should have guessed that was where his mind would go, but I was still shocked. “It’s never been like that with Tim. He even brings his wife a lot of the time. I was going to suggest we have them over for dinner soon.”
He smelled my lie immediately. “How convenient that you were going to talk to me about them right about the time I tell you I know all about your little affair.”
“We’re not having an affair, Bryce. I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“You kept it from me. That tells me that you knew it was wrong.”
“I knew you would react like this! That’s why I didn’t tell you!” I knew I was saying all the wrong things. I should have sat down and let him yell himself out, and then begged forgiveness. It would have been the safer route, but fear for Tim had overtaken my common sense. I needed Bryce to understand that there was nothing going on, and when he didn’t, I got even more angry. “You don’t have to believe me, Bryce; I know I’m telling the truth.” I spun on my heel and marched toward the door. “I’m going to go make dinner. Maybe we can have an adult conversation by the time it’s ready.”
“Don’t you walk away from me, Julia,” Bryce said, stomping after me. I kept walking down the hallway, and he caught up to me at the stairs, grabbing my arm painfully.
“Let go,” I said. “I’m sorry I raised my voice, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my high school friend, but I need you to be calmer when we talk about this.”
His face was pure rage, and his eyes narrowed to slits only a moment before he released me with a shove and I was airborne, tumbling down the stairs. My only thought as I rolled was to protect my little girl, and I curled around my stomach, shielding it from the worst of the fall. My head came into contact with the floor at the bottom in spectacular fashion, fireworks bursting in my vision before it went blurry. The last thing I saw before everything went dark was the shiny tip of Bryce’s dress shoe as he knelt to check my pulse.
* * *
—
“Everything seems fine with the baby,” Dr. Herbert said. “You were lucky. You need to be more careful with your chores.” He looked at Bryce, who held my hand in an iron grip. “Maybe you should bring the laundry down from now on. Just carry the basket for her.”
“Of course, Doctor,” Bryce said. “I told her to ask for help if she needed it. I’ll insist from now on.”
Dr. Herbert nodded his approval. “As for the mother, I think we can rule out concussion.”
“But I passed out,” I said, startling both men. I hadn’t spoken since they’d brought me in. “It was only for a few seconds, but I was definitely out.”
“We can monitor you if you’d like,” the doctor said. “But none of my tests indicate brain trauma. Likely you were shocked by your fall and your brain needed a quick break. I think Bryce can take care of you just as well from home.”
“Of course I can,” Bryce said. “And you’ll be more comfortable, too, sweetheart. Better our bed than this uncomfortable hospital bed. What thread count are these sheets anyway, Doc?” he joked, and Dr. Herbert laughed along with him.
I was desperate to stay in the hospital, but it was useless to insist. Bryce wouldn’t allow it. He had refused to leave my side since the paramedics arrived, even riding in the ambulance with me. The Reverend was waiting to bring us home. Hopelessness overwhelmed me as they talked through my discharge. I knew once I entere
d that house again, I wouldn’t be coming out for a very long time.
* * *
—
Every time we had a big altercation, it served as almost a reset button for Bryce. He was extra attentive over the next several days, even taking time off work. He wouldn’t hear of me leaving the bed, and insisted I call him even when I needed to use the bathroom. I had no chance to contact Tim or Mary and let them know what had happened. I had no way of warning them that Bryce knew about our meetings.
Finally, the following Monday, Bryce decided I was well enough for him to leave me. “Nancy will be here in a couple hours. Go back to bed until she gets here. I’ve changed the security code, and I’ll be locking you in, but she knows how to get in, so don’t worry about it.” He gave instructions with equal parts concern and warning. To a casual listener, he was the doting husband. But I heard the other message loud and clear. Don’t leave the house. I’ll know if you try.
I watched from an upstairs window as he drove away, and then rushed to the bathroom, digging out the phone I’d hidden there almost a week ago. Thankfully Tim had included the plug, as it was completely dead. I plugged it in by a window where I could watch for Bryce or Nancy, and for once I was glad there were no alternate routes onto the property.
When the phone had powered on, I wasn’t surprised to see that I had missed a handful of calls from Tim. He hadn’t left any messages, but there was one voice mail from Mary.
“Tim’s been in an accident,” she said. “A hit and run. He’s in the hospital. I thought you should know.” She sniffed into the phone. “He’s been worried about you, so I’ll keep trying to reach you.” She sounded completely distraught. The message was from Friday, after I’d been under house arrest for several days. There were no more messages from Mary, though, and I assumed the worst.
I dialed her back and she answered almost immediately. “Julia?”
“Mary! What’s going on?”