She gave us both a dreamy smile. “Better than I could have ever dreamed. Between you and me, there was a time when I was ready to give up hope. But then last night happened.”
“Last night?” I echoed.
She nodded. “He was so angry with Eddie over accidentally touching me. A man doesn’t get that jealous unless he feels he has a right to.”
“I touch you, kiss you, stake my claim with you and he does absolutely nothing,” I heard Eddie’s damnable voice in my ear. “I barely brush my hand on Shelby’s ass and he’s ready to tear my arms off.”
Was everyone else seeing something I refused to see?
“He walked me to my hotel room and then stayed to chat for hours afterwards. It was like he didn’t want to leave.”
I sure hoped my dismay over this shared information didn’t show on my face, but from the look in Andy’s eyes, I got the feeling that she wasn’t missing a thing. I cleared my throat and smiled at Shelby. “He’s a good man,” I agreed. “Any woman would be lucky to have him.”
But I didn’t want anyone else to have him. He was mine. I had paid a dear price to love him, to protect him, to be his one and only.
Yet – apparently – I wasn’t.
I was in a funk the rest of the afternoon, and certainly in no mood for Eddie when he finally showed up at rehearsal. “Hey, baby,” he said as he kissed me hello. I wanted to fling him across the room.
“Jace isn’t watching. You don’t have to put on a show,” I spat.
“Who’s putting on a show?” he asked innocently, before offering me a rose. “Can’t a man be happy to see his wife?”
I glared at him. “Not when you’re the man and I’m the wife.”
“Still mad about last night, huh? Hey, I get it. It’s depressing to find out that your hero is nothing but just another guy. But I did warn you, sweetness. So you really can’t kill the messenger.”
I turned on my heel and stalked off toward my dressing room. When someone knocked just minutes after I slammed the door, I shouted, “Go away!”
Shelby instead opened the door and peeked in. “Are you okay, Jay?”
“Sorry. I’m just – I guess I’m hormonal or something,” I mumbled as I flopped into the makeup chair.
She shut the door behind her and walked over to where I sat. She stood behind me, looking thoughtfully at our reflection in the mirror. “I know things have been rocky for you lately,” she said. “I didn’t want to believe the PING reports about Eddie, but obviously he’s feeling neglected and he’s acting out. That’s all it is,” she assured me. “He really doesn’t want me; I think he’s trying to make you mad enough to fight for him. Men are funny that way.”
I almost laughed with the irony of the situation. She thought I was jealous over Eddie’s behavior, like any normal wife would be. “Men are assholes,” I corrected as I spun the chair around to face her. “And my husband is the biggest one of the bunch.”
“You don’t mean that,” she comforted. “You’re just mad. And I don’t blame you, honestly I don’t. If my man put his hands on another woman’s body, I don’t know what I’d do.”
My mouth snapped shut. There was truly nothing I could say to that.
“But let’s take a minute here and look for a solution, not just some knee jerk reaction that will only make things worse. Obviously he’s feeling neglected, so maybe tonight – instead of hanging out with all of us – spend it with him. Make him feel like a king. He needs that from you, Jordi. He wants it more than anything.”
I shook my head. There was no way.
She took my hands in hers. “Our way of life is so complicated. We get all the attention, while someone like Eddie, who is used to being the big star, fades into the background. That’s a tough blow for anyone’s ego. He’s still here because he loves you, Jordi. You owe it to him and to the vows you made to do whatever you can to make it work.”
She pulled me into a hug to further console me, but the whole thing just made me feel worse.
After rehearsal, Shelby politely declined Eddie’s offer for another double date, saying – in front of Jace, no less – that she thought the newlyweds needed some time alone.
Jace glared at me, unable to say the things I knew he wanted to say. Instead he just allowed Shelby to take his hand and lead him to a more private dinner, just the two of them.
I knew I’d read about it by morning: FIERCE SWEETHEARTS CARVE OUT SOME ROMANCE IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE.
It made me want to vomit.
There was no way I could put on a show with Eddie in some public restaurant. I opted to make an early night of it and order room service from the hotel. Shelby sent me a winky face emoticon in a text, assuming I took her advice.
I could only imagine what kind of earful Jace was getting at that moment. We didn’t get much time to talk before our performance the following night. I had taken over my set again, including Jace’s intro. I managed any pain courtesy of Felix and his wonder cookies. They were a lot more fun and a lot less scary than heavy narcotics that rendered me unconscious.
I was flying high by the after party. The edge was taken off my physical pain and my emotional pain, which made it easier to deal with everyone. Even Eddie was downright manageable. Of course, now that he had positioned Shelby and Jace on the chessboard, he could just sit back and watch everything fall into place according to his overall strategy. All the seeds were planted. There was nothing left to do but watch them grow. He was on his best behavior as he stayed by my side, the picture of a devoted husband.
What I really wanted was time alone with Jace, but Shelby stayed as close to him as Eddie did to me. Seeing them together only made my insecurities worse. He would stand closer to her than to anyone else, his hand on her shoulder as he bent closer to talk. He would smile easier and laugh louder, and those eyes that had always made me feel like the only woman in the room were now trained on her face instead of mine.
“That is a dog who has found another bone,” I could hear Eddie say.
It was definitely harshing my buzz. I wandered over to the buffet table to ease the discomfort the only way I knew how.
Andy met me at the cheese plate. “How’s it going?” she asked casually, though I could sense that there was an agenda behind her coming to find me.
I shrugged. “Good show,” was all I could really offer.
“I was thinking maybe we could go to brunch tomorrow. You and Eddie, me and Vanni. How does that sound?”
I glanced up at her striking hazel eyes. Like torture, I wanted to say, but didn’t. “I’d have to ask Eddie,” I dismissed easily. Then, “Are Jace and Shelby going?”
“I thought maybe it might be a nice change of pace for just the old married couples to get out and do something,” she grinned. “Besides, I think the new lovebirds probably want time to themselves.”
I hated the way her eyes studied me so intently, as if looking for clues. And I was too compromised to guard my expression, especially when I glanced over to find Shelby leading Jace out the door.
He didn’t even look my direction.
If Andy saw my face fall, she didn’t let on.
“You know, I am kind of tired,” I said as I stifled a fake yawn. “Definitely a rain check, though,” I said before I scurried back to Eddie. He suggested we leave shortly thereafter, and I was in no frame of mind to argue.
We were both quiet on the way back to the hotel. He let me stew in my own juices, my mind racing with so many scenarios of what Jace and Shelby were doing that very moment. There were no texts from either of them, which only made my paranoia worse.
By the time we got to our room, I was fighting off a full-fledged panic attack. What had I done? I had thrust Shelby toward Jace for weeks, believing that – or maybe hoping that – he’d withstand the obvious temptation of a beautiful, adoring woman at his feet and still choose me in the end.
Had it been a test?
Had he failed?
I fell into a fitful sleep,
compromised by a mind-altering substance and fat-laden food I gorged on just prior to bedtime. I hadn’t forsaken the munchies when they attacked. The hunger was too intense… and insatiable. The more I ate it was like I ate nothing at all.
Eddie didn’t say anything as he watched me. Hopefully I was turning him off big time with my gluttonous display.
But at about three o’clock, he climbed into bed next to me. He wore pajamas and he didn’t even touch me, so I turned my back to him and allowed him to stay with no argument.
When I woke up just after daybreak, he was snuggled up to me just like a husband would be. I slipped from the bed and went in search of water to quench my dry mouth.
I hid out in the hotel room for much of the morning, before heading out to the arena early to prepare for the last night of performances in Philly. My enthusiasm, however, was decidedly dimmed. For once, I didn’t care to perform. I wanted only to be with Jace… to erase any doubt that he still loved me and wanted me. I ate another special cookie from Felix’s care package so I could grit through any physical pain, but it was the emotional junk that wouldn’t release me.
I struggled even when the lights went up and there was a microphone in my hand. Normally that was my safe place, but I felt instead like an exposed nerve. I saw every face, when normally I didn’t, and any hint at all of disappointment or judgment slashed my shaky ego even deeper. I even lost my place in one of my songs, which I never do.
Afterwards I hid out in my dressing room and didn’t even answer the door.
When DIB took the stage, I slipped from my room. I needed to see Jace. It was the only way I’d screw my head on straight. Thanks to Felix’s magic cookie, I felt more brazen than normal, so I headed straight to his dressing room. I didn’t even knock, I just opened the door.
That’s when I saw them sitting together on the couch against the wall. Shelby propped one of her legs in his lap, and he was rubbing her calf. I stared at them, open-mouthed, until Jace eased her leg from his lap.
“Sorry I didn’t knock,” I said, sharper than I probably needed to.
“She had a leg cramp,” he explained as he stood to face me, but the look on his face clearly indicated he didn’t feel the need to explain himself at all.
“Is something wrong?” Shelby wanted to know.
“I just wanted to chat with Jace about the intro,” I lied easily. “I think I need to make a few more changes to accommodate my back.”
“Sure,” she said as she pointed to the chair.
Really? I thought to myself. She’s not going to leave?
“I can come back,” I said. “When you’re not so busy,” I snapped at Jace before turning to leave.
He was on my heels as I slammed into my dressing room. He grabbed me by the arm and swung me around to look at him. “You know that wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Do I?” I challenged. “And how do I know that?”
He pulled me against his hard body and crushed his mouth onto mine, taking immediate possession in a punishing kiss. As mad as I was, as scared as I was, I couldn’t help but succumb to him. My arms wrapped around his neck as he swiped all the contents of the makeup table off to the side, lifting me easily onto the table. He pressed me back against the mirror as he stepped in between my legs. His breath was ragged as he dragged his mouth from my swollen lips over to my neck. He nipped at my skin as his hands slid up my shirt.
I gasped as his fingers found their target. He could have taken me right then and there and I’d have let him.
Fortunately he gathered his senses enough to realize that anyone could have walked in and found us, including Shelby. He stumbled backward. “God, you make me crazy, Jordi,” he mumbled as he perched on the edge of one of the spare chairs. “I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of the games. I’m sick of the lies. We should be together all the way or we shouldn’t be together at all.”
My stomach fell. “What are you saying?”
His eyes were rimmed red when they met mine. “I die inside every time that asshole touches you, and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ve made it clear that you’re going to go on with this sham of a marriage, no matter who it hurts in the process. You lie to everyone, Jordi, including the people you’re supposed to love the most. And I just can’t take it anymore. This is not the way I want to live my life.”
“I thought I was worth it,” I mumbled.
“You have no idea what you’re worth,” he said softly. “That’s the problem.”
“Does Shelby know what she’s worth?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Seriously?” he asked. “I get to watch your husband stick his tongue down your throat but you’re going to get jealous over a friendship you encouraged?”
“I just wanted to know if it’s still a friendship for you. According to Shelby, it’s something more.”
“It’s not a marriage,” he countered.
We stared each other down for a long moment before I finally reached for the ring on my left hand. I pulled it free from my finger before holding it out to him. “Maybe you should keep this, then. Just in case.”
It was a brave front. I wanted him to argue with me. I wanted him to say a million things that all added up to one truth: that he loved me and wanted me more than any other woman on earth. But something broke deep in his soul the longer he stared at me. I wasn’t just offering his ring back to him. I was giving him back his heart. Wordlessly he took the ring from my hand. “If that is what you want,” he said, his voice hoarse from emotion.
I want you! I screamed in my head, but the words were locked in my throat. So I said nothing at all, and after a moment he stalked past me and slammed the door behind him.
Even though we still had the encore performance to go, I left the venue and headed back to the hotel, Eddie faithfully in tow. Miraculously he said nothing the entire way there and even as I was calling room service, ordering just about every plate on the menu, to fill all the holes I tore into my soul by what I had done.
I set the man I loved free, but it was a foolhardy bluff at best. What I had really wanted was for him to fight for me, but he was beyond that now. Like he said, he was tired of all the games and the lies.
Now he was free to pursue Shelby, who came with a lot less baggage.
And I had no doubt he would. He was just a man, after all.
Thoughts of them together ripped my heart in half as I tossed and turned through the early morning hours. I could clearly picture his hands on her tiny body every single time my eyes closed. Was he thinking how much better he had it now that he had someone “normal,” someone the entire world supported as his other half? All the complications that I came with, from my size to my family and my marriage of inconvenience, were all heavy burdens to bear.
Anyone would falter under the strain… I really couldn’t even blame him for needing or wanting the break.
It was all my fault for thinking that I could ever truly be loved. My love came with a price, I knew that. I tried to warn him but, true hero that he was he thought he could save me. Little did he know I was so far beyond saving; I always had been.
I was meant to be unloved. That was what I deserved.
I sobbed as quietly as I could into the pillow, but eventually Eddie came to see what was wrong. He said nothing as he slid into bed next to me. He took me into his arms, and I was hurting too bad to stop him. This was what I deserved, I kept telling myself.
So I didn’t stop him from holding me through the night. By the time dawn broke, I hadn’t stopped him from touching me or kissing me…or finally sliding in between my thighs and making our damnable marriage from hell real.
I realized in that moment that fate had given me all that I ever wanted. Here I was, a world famous rock star married to my childhood crush. It was just my tough luck that it wasn’t anything like I had hoped it would be, kind of like a big fuck you from the cosmos. My dreams coming true had been a punishment… not a reward.
So why hold out for anyth
ing better? What was the point? Some folks were meant to be happy, and some folks were meant to step out of the way to let that happen. Clearly that was my destiny, to save and protect Shelby and Jace by doing the one thing I had been too selfish to consider.
I would give up my lofty dreams and accept, at last, what life had given me. This was what I had wanted. And deep down I knew it was what I deserved.
CHAPTER NINE
New York City, NY
March 7, 2012
Eddie must have felt particularly triumphant after our reunion, because he headed back home to California during our next stop on the tour. He probably felt as though my allowing him back in the marriage bed was the final nail in the coffin for my doomed relationship with Jace.
He was right.
I had given Jace back his ring and slept with another man. There was no going back from that.
Jace hadn’t spoken to me, either by text or by phone, since he left my dressing room that previous Saturday. Interestingly, neither had Shelby.
I knew they were busy preparing for their New York appearances for T&L. This included early morning TV on a nationwide program, as well as special event showcasing the new “rock star” line T&L had created specifically for them. They would both model the clothes, which was fitting, given they both were gorgeous enough to be models.
They made the perfect couple, I thought to myself.
I planned to extend my pity party of one throughout that week in New York, but Vanni had other ideas. Because we both were traveling without our spouses, he came up with a brilliant plan to show me his former stomping grounds. I agreed mostly because it would keep me suitably distracted from thinking about Shelby and Jace.
Or so I thought.
When Vanni and I settled into the private booth at his favorite Brooklyn pizza joint, he finally pinned me down with questions I didn’t want to answer.
“So what’s really going on with you and Eddie?” he wanted to know.
I shrugged. “He’s my husband.”
“You don’t love him,” Vanni declared. “Which is good because you shouldn’t. He’s a douche bag. And I know douche bags.”
Unstoppable (Fierce) Page 17