Yet it was tricky to unravel the huge tangled mess. Given she had already cut herself once, there was no telling how she’d take the news that the man she wanted most was in love with the woman who threatened her the most.
On top of all that I finally confided in Jace about her binging and purging, and sadly he was not surprised. He had always found her distorted view of her own slender body troubling. That meant we had to handle her very carefully. It wasn’t so much a right way or a wrong way, but a safe way.
We finally decided to wait until after our final, sold-out show in Vegas, so no more performances would be compromised.
It wasn’t like I could object to whatever he suggested. We had done things on my timetable for nearly a year. I could give him one more night.
In the meantime I had him all to myself. As anxious as I was for us to go public with our relationship and stop sneaking around, I wanted one more night when I didn’t have to share him with the world. He turned off his phone and I turned off mine, and we left reality and all its problems just outside the door.
I was the first to arrive in Denver the next day. After what happened in Vegas, Terrell was a lot more open-minded about my set change. Randy had a lot to do with his change of heart. He suggested a Bon Jovi hit about touring, which would show off my voice in a new way with more melodic rock.
Likewise he suggested the title track from a Journey album, which would require a bit more rehearsal time. I flew from Vegas to Denver, where I planned to work as many hours in the day as it took to have a polished show by Friday. It was our second to last stop on the tour, and I really wanted to go out with a bang.
Jace planned to stay behind. Not only did he want to come clean to Shelby about our relationship, he was going to dump the T&L endorsement as well. Shelby could continue if she wanted to, but Jace had never been comfortable with their size discrimination, especially after the CEO made the comments he did.
“It’s because of people like Phillip Larabee that girls like Shelby binge and purge,” he told me as we lay in bed that Sunday morning. “They perpetuate this myth that a woman’s value is associated with the size clothes she wears. And every time I appear in one of their ads or take their money, then I’m agreeing.”
I no longer argued with him. We had entered a new phase in our relationship. He got to choose what was right for him. There could be no partners where there were saviors and victims. If we wanted to strengthen what we had and stand the test of time, we had to walk side by side.
So with that trust, I left him to do what he felt was best with Shelby and with T&L. I had plenty to keep me busy with the actual business of touring.
He flew in by Sunday afternoon and met me at the venue. We worked together to choreograph the new songs, and it was clear to everyone associated with the tour that we were now officially a couple. He no longer withheld kisses, hugs or possessive touches that clearly staked his claim.
I was a little concerned that Shelby hadn’t flown in with him, but he was tight-lipped about it until we got to the hotel that evening. We now shared a room openly, and though it was no longer officially a secret relationship, we ordered room service to avoid any paparazzi drama.
He took me into his arms the minute the door closed. “God, I’ve missed you,” he said into my hair.
“It was only twelve hours,” I reminded him with a smile.
“Twelve hours, twelve minutes… twelve seconds. I’m not wasting any more time with you.” His lips covered mine and I swooned a little against him.
True to his word he lifted me up into his arms and carried to the bed. When we finally got around to ordering said room service, it was closer to midnight.
While we were waiting for the food, I finally asked him, “So how did it go with Shelby?”
He sighed as he leaned back against the headboard. “It wasn’t pretty,” he admitted. “There was a lot of crying and a little screaming. She felt so betrayed that we didn’t trust her enough to tell her the truth.”
It was my turn to sigh as I snuggled in the crook of his arm. “I really made a mess of things, didn’t I?”
“Eddie made a mess of things,” he clarified. “But yeah. Your choices have consequences the same way mine do. We can’t change the past so we have to do what we can to make things up to the people we’ve wronged so we can all move on.”
“I’ll talk to her when she gets here on Wednesday,” I promised. “I really want to salvage my friendship with her, Jace. It really was like having a sister. I miss it.”
He smoothed my hair out of my face. “You’re a good person, Jordi. You’ve got a good heart.”
“Too bad I make stupid mistakes,” I quipped.
“Yeah, too bad. We’ll have to have you horsewhipped,” he said before he slapped my ass with his hand. “Or maybe I could just give you a spanking.”
I laughed as I pulled him down on top of me. “You can do anything you want with me,” I promised bravely.
“If that’s the case,” he started with a playful growl and proceeded to tickle me until I nearly peed my pants. When he finally showed mercy me, I struggled to catch my breath. He eyes softened as he looked down at me. “If that’s the case,” he repeated, “then I think I’ll love you.”
I stared at him in wonder. He was offering the moon and the stars and all the heavens, and I still didn’t know what I did to deserve any of it. “I’ll take it,” I said as I pulled him down for another kiss.
Over the next couple of days we fell into a comfortable pattern. We’d work hard for at least twelve hours at a stretch for the tour, before retiring to our room for some much needed couple time. It was such a treat to be able to sleep next to him. Sometimes I reached over and caressed him just to feel the warmth of his body underneath my hand. He felt so solid and real.
Likewise he would not let me far from his sight. He constantly had his arm around me or my hand in his. It was as though he feared if we weren’t touching one of us would simply disappear and the fairy tale would be over.
By Wednesday, rumors had leaked.
FIERCE WINNER IN RUMORED RELATIONSHIP WITH RIVAL, SWEETHEART SHELBY GODDARD REPORTEDLY CRUSHED!
FIERCE DIVA’S MARRIAGE FINALLY HITS THE SKIDS!
STAR CROSSED LOVERS SHACK UP FOR A ROMANTIC RENDEZ VOUS IN COLORADO!
I could only imagine what the rumors were doing to Shelby, which made me feel like an even bigger heel. Why did my happiness have to cost her hers? We weren’t in competition with each other anymore. There had to be a way we could all find our happily ever after.
I honestly wasn’t even sure if she’d make it to Colorado, but she showed up that Wednesday afternoon, pale and sickly. Jace immediately went to see if she was all right, and she assured him she was.
I waited until she had retired to her dressing room before I sought her out. She hesitated only slightly when I knocked, then finally permitted me to enter.
I shut the door behind me. “I think we should talk.”
Her smile was weak and humorless. “The time to have that talk would have been a year ago, in Los Angeles,” she corrected.
“You’re right,” I conceded. “But I’d like to have it now anyway.”
She shrugged and indicated to the chair. “I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry, Shelby. I’ve been selfish and secretive and dishonest. You deserved a better friend. I’m sorry I didn’t give that to you.”
Her blue eyes were steely as she stared at me. “I’m sorry, too,” she said. “I let you in, Jordi. I told you about everything. You know about everything. But you couldn’t treat me with the same respect.”
“You’re right,” I said again.
“You knew I loved him,” she went on softly. “You knew and you let me make a fool out of myself anyway. I would have never done that to you.”
There was nothing I could say. She was absolutely right and there was no excuse for what I had done, even with Eddie’s blatant blackmail. I chose to carry the burden alone, even though it hurt
more people. “Tell me what I can do.”
“You can get the hell out of my dressing room,” she said in a deathly quiet voice. “You are not my friend. You were never my friend. There is nothing more to say.”
I dropped my eyes from hers as I nodded, then I turned and walked out the door.
I retreated back to the hotel room. I didn’t think I could feel any lower or any shittier, but that was before I got the call at 10:03 that evening.
Shelby had been found unconscious in her dressing room after collapsing from an apparent heart attack.
I rushed to the hospital, where Jace already waited. He had gone to check on her before he left for the night. That was when he found her. She had been unresponsive, so he performed CPR and revived her, then rode with her to the hospital where they began immediate life-saving procedures.
She was in critical condition.
Jace was beside himself when I got to the hospital lobby where he waited. “I did this,” he kept saying over and over. I took him into my arms.
“Jace, no.”
“She was in distress. Why didn’t I see that?”
“She had serious problems that she hid for years. It wasn’t just you. It was all of us.”
He kept shaking his head. His beautiful eyes were bloodshot. We stayed there the entire night, along with a distraught Randy, who had harbored a secret crush on Shelby for a year and no one even knew.
Maggie joined us the following morning, and unfortunately the Goddards got to the hospital shortly after that. Coy advanced on both Jace and me. “You did this!” he exploded. “She put her faith in you and you both squandered it.”
Jace took the hit because he felt so guilty. I, on the other hand, knew how far back Shelby’s problems reached. I didn’t make a scene, but I didn’t accept his blame, either.
PING was all over it.
FIERCE SWEETHEART COLLAPSES UNDER STRESS AND HEARTBREAK!
FIERCE HERO LIVES UP TO HIS REP, SAVES COSTAR!
TOUR NEARLY CLAIMS THE LIFE OF FRAGILE STAR!
Maggie, as usual, was the voice of reason. She sat next to us, her hands cupping Jace’s, as she tried to explain that Shelby had been in trouble long before the recent revelations. “Unfortunately, cardiac arrest can be a fatal complication of bulimia. The electrolytes get out of balance due to constant purging, which can result in irregular heart rhythm. Honestly, Jace, you probably saved her life. Sudden cardiac arrest can kill someone even as young and vibrant as Shelby, who has obviously been fighting this battle for years. Your quick thinking may have given her a second chance.”
He shook his head. “I knew she was in trouble, Maggie. And I did nothing. I should have done something.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said as she pulled him into a strong hug. “You cannot live your life beating yourself up for things you ‘should’ have done. You did the best you could with what you knew. That’s all any one of us can do.”
Maggie Fowler was truly our nurturer. Maybe if Shelby had trusted her with her secret, we wouldn’t be sitting in that hospital right that moment.
There were so many secrets around the Fierce family. And it had nearly cost us everything.
Once Coy and Sherry Goddard arrived at the hospital, they had anyone involved with the tour removed. As guilty as I felt for her condition, I was equally as livid that Coy could be so sanctimonious about it, as if we were the ones who caused his daughter to binge and purge in the first place.
I wanted to point out that she had been hospitalized once before on his watch, but I knew it wasn’t the time or the place. It was just misplaced anger talking. When a young person nearly dies, the first instinct is to assess blame.
It just wasn’t natural for a beautiful and successful young woman to knock that hard on death’s door.
Worst of all, had she passed she would have died thinking that no one loved her. Yet the entire crew and a growing group of fans had been holding vigil at the hospital, praying for her to get better because we just weren’t ready to let her go yet.
And yet, that was exactly what we had to do. Coy had stepped in and immediately, and decisively, cut all ties with Shelby’s Fierce family. Even if she recovered to full health, he made it clear she would not be joining us on the tour or in any future endeavor.
When we returned to the venue that Friday afternoon, we scrambled to fill this now gaping hole in our program.
I got my set back, but I no longer wanted to perform it. I felt like I was stripping her bones clean by doing the very thing that made her feel so inferior in the first place.
But there was no time to make sweeping changes.
In deference to the somber occasion, though, we opted to play several slower, acoustic versions of our songs. There were no pyrotechnics or thundering beats and gyrating front men. There were simply the three of us, Vanni, Jace and myself, sitting on three stools with the band backing us up as we sang songs that meant something to the journey.
I dug out the song I sang for the finale, which Vanni accompanied on the piano. Jace sang my song for the first time, which choked him up. The words now had double meaning. He had loved a friend, who had no idea how much she meant to him, and how beautiful and perfect she was.
Despite the unplugged nature of the concert, the audience was with us every step of the way. We all wanted to be together. We wanted to let the music heal us.
And every single one of us sent those feelings to Shelby, to strengthen and renew her.
It ended up being a great lesson to me. Like Shelby, I had spent so many years focused inward. I was in pain. I was hiding. I was building a wall between me and the world. I thought I would get hurt if I dared to peek over. But the world wasn’t this scary place I had made it out to be. For every person who would throw a stuffed pig onstage to shame me, there were dozens more who cheered for me just the way that I was.
I had spent so many years focused on the wrong thing. And, like Shelby, it was killing me.
I told Maggie to set me up with a therapist when we got back to Los Angeles.
Given the next and final stop was my hometown stop in Iowa. I had a sneaking premonition I would need it.
I had finally broken free from Eddie.
It was time to face my mother – and Shane – once and for all.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Des Moines, Iowa
April 15, 2012
The entire crew got to Iowa by Sunday afternoon. We had a lot of work to do and not a whole lot of time to get it done. Shelby’s absence not only cast a pall on the tour itself, but it slashed open a wide hole in our lineup. We could either patch up the old tour, or work on something entirely new. Graham decided to shake things up with something new, changes meant to reclaim the heart and soul of the show.
He also decided this would be the one we’d record for a DVD release. Since Coy had terminated any relationship between Baxter Mega-Worldwide Media Corporation and the smaller record label where Shelby had her contract, any previously recorded performances with Shelby had to be shelved anyway. This way we could get a full concert from start to finish, with a bunch of cool surprises for the fans.
This meant we were in rehearsal from sunup to sundown to perfect each and every performance. Fortunately Jace and I were used to the hectic pace courtesy of our time on Fierce. That was the ultimate boot camp in learning, rehearsing and performing new songs in as little as a week.
We brought back the pyrotechnics and Jace’s hero intro. After what happened in Colorado, it seemed especially apt. I wanted to open with my Christina Aguilera tune, in honor of Shelby and anyone who felt as though they were in any way inferior. Every single person had the right to celebrate that they are a beautiful original, completely unique in all the history of the world. The crime was when we thought we could rip that title from another person, as if it added value to us in any way.
I couldn’t save Shelby. But if I could reach just one person and give them cause to love themselves instead of hurt themselves, then maybe that w
as the point.
But I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Thanks to PING, that necessary evil of pop culture that derived great enjoyment out of taking people down, I had been cast as the literal and figurative heavy of the Fierce drama. Many of Shelby’s fans hated me now. A married woman “cheated” on her husband to steal their idol’s man, which led up to her near-demise at the tender age of 22. There was really no way to correct any of this without tearing Eddie, and Shelby, down in the process.
In the end it was easier to let them hate me. It was my parting gift to her.
Coy Goddard got a lot of mileage out of this scenario. He told everyone who could listen what a waste of skin both Jace and I were. He had been on national talk shows to talk about his daughter, and made it very clear he blamed us for what had happened to her.
“Celebrity is a ravenous beast,” he had told one interviewer on a slanted propaganda channel. “If you have any decency at all, it will just chew you up and spit you out. I would seriously question the moral fiber of anyone who could make a success out of themselves in that industry. Just look at who is left on the Fierce tour. You have a womanizing addict directly responsible for the death of a prostitute he had picked up off the streets. You have a liberal war vet who is too good to shoot a gun, but tossed my Shelby aside for his married lover. And you have a girl who clearly has a much more severe eating disorder than my daughter, who cheated on her husband with members of her own crew. Shelby got lost in the wreckage, so she gets to pay the price while they all play rock star for sold-out crowds.”
His disgust was palpable, even through the TV screen.
With one interview he became one of PING’s favorite people.
Jace would admonish me every time he caught me reading or watching anything about it. “Don’t put that shit in your head,” he’d say as he would close my laptop or wrestle my phone away. “It helps no one if you keep punishing yourself, least of all Shelby.”
I would nod, knowing he was right. But it was inevitable. I couldn’t escape the critical commentary, it was everywhere I looked. The tabloids had been ruthless, especially since Jace and I were no longer hiding our relationship. This caused friction within our Fierce touring family. Whether it was right or wrong, warranted or not, the crew that we had all worked with and essentially lived with day after day, had become accustomed to a certain reality that we were now circumventing. I was no longer projecting this image of a happily married woman, and Jace was no longer the romantic hero of the tour. Instead we were treated as two privileged people who would screw over anyone to get what we wanted, no matter the cost.
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