“I kissed Cash.”
She nods, her eyes steady on me. “I saw.”
“And then Reed punched him.”
“Saw that, too.”
I sigh, knowing that it’s time I told her everything. “Reed and I hooked up in Mexico.” Her mouth drops open and I hurry to continue, wanting to get it over. “It happened a couple times but we decided we were better as friends. I didn’t want there to be anything weird between us when I was about to start the work-study, you know? And he said he couldn’t be in a relationship because of the band.” Daisy rolls her eyes at that but I continue. “Anyhow, we’ve obviously become good friends these last few months. But I... I had stronger feelings.”
I look away, feeling incredibly embarrassed. “It was stupid, I know, to let myself feel like that. Of course, he didn’t feel the same way—I mean, he had someone like Sienna wanting him, how in the hell could I compete with that? Last night, I just... I couldn’t stand seeing them together. I know it was really immature of me, but getting drunk seemed like the best option. And then I was dancing with Cash...” I trail off, feeling like the world’s grossest human. “Basically, I got super trashed to try and get over Reed and then ended up kissing his brother. Nice, huh?”
“Okay,” Daisy says slowly, as if choosing her words carefully. “A few things... one, Sienna Matthews is way, way grosser than you. As far as you not being able to compete with her—” She shakes her head. “That’s just stupid, Paige. You’re ten times better than she is. Who cares if she’s famous or beautiful? Reed doesn’t have fun with her. She doesn’t take care of him or spend time with his friends and family. She’s completely and totally wrong for him.”
“But they’re having a baby together,” I whisper. “There’s no room for me in this scenario.”
Her eyes are so full of pity I can’t hold in the tears anymore. “Oh, Paige,” she says, sounding distraught for me. She pulls me into a hug and I finally give in and cry on her shoulder.
“I love him,” I sob. “I know that’s so stupid, and I never should have let myself—”
“Stop it,” she says firmly. “It’s not stupid at all. You can’t control stuff like that.”
“I always make everything into some huge fantasy in my head. The night after I hooked up with Reed, Karen warned me not to do that. She said it wouldn’t work out and this time she was right. But I let myself get carried away anyhow.”
Daisy pulls away and fumbles on the side table for some Kleenex, passing them to me. I see that she, too, is brushing away tears, and I feel guilty all over again. She’s been through enough without me coming along and messing it up all over again.
“I’m sorry, Daisy,” I cry, wiping at my eyes. “I know this tour was hard enough for you in the first place—getting back on the road after everything that happened last year. Those boys are your brothers and I totally screwed things up for them.”
“What are you talking about?” she cries. “You didn’t screw anything up. Reed screwed it up—”
“I don’t want you taking sides! That’s why I never told you—you shouldn’t have to be mad at one of your best friends just because of me.”
“You’re one of my best friends,” she insists. “Reed is like my brother, and that means I’m perfectly capable of seeing when he’s being an idiot. And he’s being an idiot right now.”
“Please don’t be mad at him over me.” I feel sick all over again. It’s bad enough I caused Reed to fight with his brother. “I should never have come,” I groan.
“Don’t say that!” She takes both of my hands, squeezing them tight. “I needed you here, Paige. I was so terrified to go on the road with the band. With all of the cameras and the crowds.” She shudders a little and I know she’s thinking about everything that happened last year. “I’m the one who came up with the work-study idea, and I didn’t do it just to be nice. I did it because I wanted you here with me.” She sniffles loudly and I’m afraid she’s going to start crying again. “You’re the one who gave me the courage to get through it last time, Paige. It meant everything to me that you could come and be here for me again.”
“But that makes it even worse,” I wail. “Because I messed everything up—”
“You did not mess anything up,” she insists. Before she can continue, there’s a knock at my door. She looks at me questioningly. “Should I get that?”
“Do you mind?” The thought of talking to a housekeeper or something seems way beyond my current capabilities, so I close my eyes and sip on my coffee while she goes to deal with it.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, her voice cold.
“I need to talk to Paige.”
Oh, shit. That’s Reed’s voice. Immediately, my hands start shaking and I have to put my mug down. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Daisy says. I’ve never heard her sound so fierce. My heart drops—she’s pissed at him, and it’s all my fault.
“Daisy, please. This is really important.”
Before she can argue with him further, I stand up and step into the entryway behind her. “It’s okay, Daisy,” I say softly. “I can take care of it.”
She looks at me skeptically. “Are you sure?”
I do my best to smile. “Yeah. Thanks for the coffee.”
She pulls me into a tight hug. “You call me if you need anything. And if he makes you feel bad,” she releases me to glare at Reed, “I will kill him.”
As she leaves the room, I finally allow myself to look at him and I can’t help but grimace. He looks like shit. A huge bruise is forming around his eye and the skin above his eyebrow is split. There’s a similar cut on his lip and his face looks pale and sickly.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
I walk back to the room and he follows, taking a seat in the desk chair while I resume my place on the loveseat. I have no idea what to say to him, or what to do with my hands, which are still shaking.
“I’m so sorry,” he blurts out. “Last night was such a mess and it was all my fault.” I’m about to tell him that I’m equally to blame but he continues without pause. “But I really need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” I say uncertainly.
“Sienna left.”
My heart plummets. Of course he came here to talk about her. Why would I expect anything different? “I’m... sorry?”
He waves my half-assed apology away. “I don’t care about her leaving. But she... she told me...” He looks up at me and his eyes are haunted. Heartbroken. “She told me there’s no baby.”
I stare at him in shock. “What?”
“She said she’s known since her first doctor’s visit—brushed it off like it was nothing.” He stands up and begins pacing. “Her appointment was weeks ago, Paige. And she never told me!”
“That’s terrible,” I whisper. How could someone do something like that? “What did she say?”
“She didn’t want to fuck with her precious show,” he snaps.
“Seriously?” I know Sienna is career obsessed but I can’t imagine anyone being so callous. Especially after those moments in the dressing room, the things I had thought I’d read so clearly in her face. “That’s the only reason she gave you?”
“She said she didn’t want to lose me,” he says impatiently. “She wanted to see if we could make a new start before she told me.”
I shake my head. What a stupid way to go about getting him back. But, there’s a part of me that feels badly for her, as strange as it sounds. I just can’t forget her expression in the dressing room, how sad and scared and alone she had looked. I remember getting the news that I had lost my baby—of course, I had been much farther along, but still. Could I really blame her for panicking? For trying to hold onto the one good thing in her life?
“I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel,” Reed is saying, running his hands through his tangled hair. “I’m so pissed at her. And so... sad. Because I’m not going to be a dad. Which is crazy, right? Because I didn’t even
know if I wanted to have a kid. And I definitely didn’t know if I wanted one with her.” He looks at me, eyes wide and pleading, as if he expects me to have some answer. “So, why do I feel like I lost something?”
“Because you did,” I say softly. “No matter what doubts you had, you were already starting to think about yourself as a father. How you would make sacrifices and be responsible. You were seeing yourself in that role. Of course you lost something, Reed.”
He collapses into the chair, burying his head in his head. “It’s all such a fucking mess.”
“You could say that again.”
I hate myself for it, but there’s a tiny flame of hope blossoming in my chest. I would never want this pain for him, not in a million years. But if Sienna isn’t pregnant, and they aren’t together anymore... I have a sudden memory of the look on his face when he punched Cash. Had he done that out of jealousy? Did that mean he might have real feelings for me?
“And there’s still this damn premiere next week,” he goes on. “And Sienna is saying that we shouldn’t announce our split until after, since we’re supposed to be attending together—”
I don’t know what he says next. My entire body has tensed up and I can’t hear his words over the rushing in my head. Is he seriously considering continuing the farce of their relationship for another minute? Is he seriously considering going to the premiere with her, like nothing happened? Like she hadn’t completely betrayed him?
Slowly his words come back into focus. “And I don’t know what to do, because she has a point—we all have to be at the premiere, we wrote the damn soundtrack, you know? And it will be really weird if we’re not together, everyone will ask questions and—hey, what’s wrong?”
I stand on unsteady feet. “I think you should go,” I whisper. Once again, I had allowed myself to get caught up in a fantasy that didn’t exist. He didn’t come here because he was finally free to be with me. He came here because he needed someone to talk to about his PR problems. And good old Paige is always around when Reed needs to talk.
“Why?” he asks, clearly bewildered.
“Because I don’t want to talk about whether or not you should pretend to date Sienna for the cameras.” I somehow manage to keep my voice steady.
“Paige—”
“No, Reed. I think it’s bullshit, okay? That’s my opinion. You pretending to date her for even a single day after everything she did is bullshit. So there’s nothing else for me to say.”
“I just thought you could—”
“I could what?”
He shakes his head, confused. “Talk me through it.”
“Well, I can’t. I can’t have this conversation with you, Reed.” I turn to leave, not caring that it’s my room. I’m overwhelmed with the desire to get out of here, to get away from him, to find a place where I can be safe, where I can ease the thundering pressure in my chest.
“Why?” He still sounds almost stunned—he obviously never expected me to deny him anything. The realization almost makes me laugh, though I’ve never found anything less amusing.
“I just—I have to go.” How can I explain it to him, explain the way his words are causing me physical pain? To have to hear him tell me, in excruciating detail, all the ways this woman is hurting him—the woman that he has chosen over me. That he’s still choosing over me. “I can’t.”
“Paige, I don’t understand.” Just as I’m about to leave his reach, find my escape, he grabs my arm. His touch is gentle but I feel it like a blow. It sets something off, deep in my heart. It feels like some desperately held chain is snapping loose, leaving me exposed. And I don’t even care. “Why can’t you just talk to me—”
“Because it’s breaking my heart!”
The words are torn from my mouth before I’m even aware that I’m speaking. For a split second I’m mortified, terrified of revealing too much. But it passes quickly—I don’t care anymore. Don’t care about holding it in; don’t care about keeping it a secret. It’s not possible to lose him. I never had him to begin with.
I spin to face him, barely registering the frozen, shocked expression on his face. “I’m in love with you. You have to know that.” I’m breathing heavy, every word cutting through me. “You’re not stupid.”
“I thought... I didn’t...”
I shake my head and stare at the wall, unable to look at the stunned look on his face, the face that shows me, without a doubt, that he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. “Look, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I wish I could take it away, but I can’t. And I can’t sit here and listen to you talk about her anymore, give you advice on how to deal with your relationship with another woman.” A lone sob escapes and I slap my hands over my mouth. I don’t want to cry in front of him.
“Paige,” he sounds devastated. “You’re my best friend—”
“I don’t want to be your best friend,” I cry. “I want to love you! And it’s fine that you don’t love me back, I get it. That’s not your fault.” Despite my best efforts, I’m crying again. “But I can’t do this, Reed. I can’t talk you through it this time. I can’t sit here and listen to all the reasons why you still pick her.”
I finally chance a glance at his face. He’s staring at me with something that looks like horror. Oh, God. Did he really have no idea?
“I have to get out of here,” I whisper, turning to go. I half expect him to stop me, but he doesn’t. When I reach the door, he’s still standing in the middle of my hotel room, staring after me. As the sobs fully overtake me, I escape into the hallway, leaving him behind.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Reed
I sit in the conference room at our hotel and I wonder how in the hell everything got so messed up. The last few days have felt like a freaking hurricane, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in sight.
“I think the gentlemen would like your answer before they leave, Reed,” my dad says, his voice sharp, forcing me to focus on the meeting held to discuss my personal life.
“I don’t think I’m ready to give them an answer,” I reply, just as sharply. My dad’s eyes narrow but the head-suit guy holds up his hands.
“That’s fine, Reed. You should think about it. We can give you a few hours.”
“Thanks,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. That earns me another glare from my father as he gets up to walk the men out. They each say goodbye to me, but I ignore them all. Let Dad be pissed—then I won’t be the only one.
“We’re not done with this discussion,” he mutters as he passes me to walk them out.
“Can’t wait.”
Once they’re gone I consider going back to my room, but I don’t have the energy. The headache that arrived with my hangover on Saturday morning has kindly decided to stick around for the past five days. And I haven’t slept much during that time. I have drunk plenty of beer, which, in retrospect, is probably counter-productive.
Paige is gone. She left sometime after she told me she loved me. After I stood there, gaping like an idiot. I don’t blame her. She should be far away from me—I’m clearly not good at anything except hurting her.
I close my eyes, wishing I could go back to that moment, that I could handle it differently. That I could do anything at all to keep that horrible look of pain and rejection off her face. To silence those sobs that I hear like a constant loop in the back of my mind.
But she’s gone and it’s too late.
There’s a knock on the door and I groan, not wanting to talk to anyone. Probably someone from the hotel, needing the room, and I’ll have to drag myself upstairs. But then the door opens and Lennon sticks his head through. “Oh, good. You’re still here,” he says.
He walks over to the table, taking the seat next to me. Daltrey follows, and, to my surprise, Cash. We haven’t said a word to each other since Saturday night at the club. It’s been interesting, living in such close quarters with someone who seems pretty intent on kicking your ass at the first opportunity. But I’ve done a p
retty good job of keeping to myself.
“So,” Lennon asks. “How was the meeting?”
“Well, Len, they want me to go to the fucking premiere with Sienna on Saturday and shoot a few scenes to demonstrate our amicable growing apart and subsequent pleasant and healthy decision to be friends.” I glare at him. “So how do you think it went?”
He shakes his head. “Say no.”
I rub my hands roughly over my face, the stubble I encounter reminding me that I haven’t shaved in days. “It’s not that simple.”
Cash makes a scathing noise at the back of his throat and I fight the urge to go off on him.
“Why isn’t it simple?” Daltrey asks. I can tell from his tone that he’s trying hard not to be judgmental—to really understand why this is a struggle for me.
“Because, news about her miscarriage has been leaked,” I explain. “So if I make it obvious we’re not together, I’m going to be seen as the guy who ditches his girlfriend after she loses their baby. That’s fucked up.”
“And where do you think these miscarriage rumors are coming from?” Cash asks. “You don’t think Sienna or her people have anything to do with them?”
I don’t respond. In all honestly, I’m sure that they do. Her manager has been in touch with our team and they’ve made their terms very clear—I give her a month. Attend the premiere. Reshoot scenes for the TV show. Release a joint statement that we’ve decided to be friends. If I do all of those things, she goes along with it, protecting my reputation. If I leave her hanging, she’ll have no choice but to put considerations of her reputation first.
Meaning she’ll do everything in her power to come out ahead. Including trashing me any way she can.
“Reed, you know that we don’t care, right?” Daltrey asks. “We don’t care what the entertainment media writes about you. Besides, this stuff blows over.”
“It doesn’t always blow over,” I mutter. “Especially not when there’s a history of fucking up.” I don’t look at Daltrey or Cash but my meaning is pretty clear. We’ve used up our two strikes on their public messes. There’s no extra goodwill out there to get us through another Ransome brother’s nasty headlines.
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