Act Your Age

by Eve Dangerfield

  Johnno’s meaty forehead creased. “No, I sent her. You telling me she didn’t hand it over herself? Fucking hell, those files were confidential!”

  It was convenient that Johnno went off on another tirade because Ty was trapped in an acidic whirl of panic. There had been a moment during lunch when he’d seen a face peering at him through the panels of the serving alcove. He’d told himself it was a waitress, but something about it had made him edgy. Now he knew—it had been Middleton. She’d been there, and she’d heard him say—what? What had they been discussing when he saw her? The possibility of going to Tommy’s? No it had been worse than that…

  Ty’s guts churned as he remembered his comment about ‘all fours.’ He shot to his feet. “I should go speak to the rest of the crew. See who can take on Middleton’s projects.”

  Johnno made a grumpy noise of agreement. “Tell Franco to mock up an ad for her position while you’re at it. I want it advertised by midday.”

  “Sure. Right. Whatever you want.”

  Ty powerwalked back to his office, dialing Middleton’s number along the way. Surely she hadn’t quit because of him? She would have called, she would have asked him about it. She wasn’t the kind of girl to end things without saying anything. Was she?

  Something else he’d said to Roger came back to him—what’s the point of having a dirty little secret if you share it?

  His stomach contracted so violently for a second he thought he might throw up. Middleton’s phone rang out and he didn’t leave a message. He shut himself in his office and called Georgie. She answered on the third ring. “Hey, how’d you know my surgery got cancelled?”

  “I didn’t. You got a copy of The Feminine Mystique handy?”

  There was a brief pause. “What have you done?”

  “You’re not gonna like this. I don’t like this. I think I might be scum for doing this. I think it might be over.”

  “Tyler.” His best friend’s voice was hard. “Talk.”

  And so he talked. When he was done there was a long silence.

  “You understand why I did it, don’t you?” he pressed. “Roger’s a bloodhound. If he thought Middleton was a girl I cared about, he’d have made it his life’s mission to find out who she was. I had to act like she was nothing special.”

  “Is she?”

  Ty frowned. “What?”

  “Is. She. Special? Because it seems to me you didn’t have to say any of that garbage about her. You could have just shut your mouth and told them it was none of their business.”

  Ty slumped back in his desk chair. “I know. I panicked.”

  “Bullshit excuse.”

  “I know.” He pressed a palm to his sweaty forehead. “What are the chances I’ve fucked this and she’s never going to speak to me again?”

  “Realistically? I’d say between seventy-five to eighty percent.”

  “Fuck.”

  “You should be glad to be getting the silent treatment. If I heard you saying that about me…”

  Ty’s left eye-socket tingled. “Yeah, I know, so what do I—” he saw something that made him yelp.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I think…” He pulled on the corner of the pale yellow envelope and recognised Kate’s loopy handwriting at once. “Fucking hell, she wrote me a letter. I’ve gotta—”

  “Read it. Call me back.”

  The line disconnected.

  As he looked at the envelope, Ty could taste his pulse. He knew the chances of it being filled with positive feedback was rare. Letters like these were never a good thing, except maybe in that movie Veronica liked, The Notebook. Why had it been called that, anyway? Fucking movie was all about letters. It should have been called The Letters. Ty slid the slim sheaf of paper out of the envelope, noting with a lurch that it had a buttercup border.

  Dear Ty,

  I guess you’ve heard by now I’m leaving GGS. I’m sure Johnno’s pissed. And Dutchy, though that probably has more to do with getting his own caramel lattes than anything. I’m excited to work for D&D. They pay less, but I think I can grow there, become the engineer I know I can be. I’m also excited to work in a place with more than one woman and where no one will call me Middleton. You were the only person I ever liked calling me that.

  Someone knocked on his door.

  “Come back in ten,” Ty called.

  “But—”

  “Do it.”

  The person—it sounded like Collins—walked away, no doubt cursing him under his breath.

  So with D&D out of the way, I guess it’s time to write about us. It’s funny how hard it is for me to say ‘us,’ because I know it’s not a word you wanted me to use in the context of whatever we were doing—sleeping together, fucking, exploring our mutual interests etc. We never got around to labels, did we? But here’s the thing—deliberately avoiding labels doesn’t mean you have no obligations toward my feelings. You slept in my bed, you came to my derby final, met my friends and told me I was beautiful. You bought me a freaking dildo. There was an ‘us.’

  “Was,” Ty said. “Was.”

  His chest felt like a car compactor slowly crushing inwards. He knew exactly where this was going, but made himself keep reading.

  Never saying “We’re in a relationship, Middleton, I care about you,” isn’t some magical backsies card you get to slap down whenever you need to make your escape. I know you’re not planning on dumping me but I also know it’s never going to be more than what it is now.

  When I picture our future, I see the two of us sleeping together for months, maybe even years, me too scared to bring up commitment, you making sure I’m never really a part of your life so you can always peel me away like old Velcro if you need to. I don’t want that and I think you knew it. It was like you said at the derby final; you just couldn’t stay away.

  I’m glad Johnno was a jerk and made me go to The Breton Club in the rain. If I hadn’t heard what you said to Stormy and McPerverson, I might never have seen what was staring me in the face. When I calmed down, I realised you were probably playing up the sleaziness to get them to change the subject—I recognised your smile from all the times you pretended to be my stepdaddy— but you meant what you said about relationships. You really do have no intention of loving me.

  I’m in love with you. You must know that, right? You saw it on my face, and when you did you kissed me and said something like “You’re too adorable for your own good.”

  I’m not too adorable for my own good, I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time, maybe since we met. You know D&D headhunted me a year ago, and I decided to stay at GGS because of you. I started drinking coffee because it gave me an excuse to ask if you wanted one. I hooked up with that rugby guy in Bendigo because you were watching and I thought feeling a man’s hands on me while you watched would be the closest thing to having you.

  Are you scared yet? I am. I don’t know why I wanted you so badly, but I did.

  “Middleton,” Ty said. “Don’t do this.”

  We need to end things. Not because you’re too old for me or I’m all wrong for you—I think in our hearts we both know we’re good together, but this is going nowhere. I don’t know what your ex did to you but I don’t think you want to love anyone ever again and if I stay, I will wring myself out trying to make you change your mind. I’ll ruin all the best parts of myself.

  I want real love, Ty—a guy who goes down on me and introduces me to his friends and tells me he loves me. When we’re together, you give me just enough to imagine having those things, but it’s not a real possibility. I stopped selling my panties because only having a small part of my fantasy was so painful. This is worse. You’re an amazing lover, but you’re not my Daddy, and I don’t think you ever will be. You’re a charmer. I thought you never showed me that side of yourself, the way you showed the Barbie Trolls and the guys at work, but you did, you showed it to me in bed when you were every
thing I wanted you to be and more.

  “Middleton,” Ty repeated. His hands were shaking like leaves, rendering her words almost illegible. “Middleton don’t.”

  Maybe no other man will ever measure up to you and I’ll be single forever, but I have to try and get what I want for myself. No all-powerful father-figure is going to ride in and save me, I know that now. So I’m leaving. I’m leaving you and GGS and also Australia for a little while.

  “What?” Ty stared at the piece of paper, waiting for the letters to re-arrange themselves into something that made sense, but they remained stubbornly in the order they were, telling him Middleton was no longer on the same continent he was.

  “Is everything okay?” A voice at the door shouted.

  “Yes! I’m fine!”

  “Are you—”

  “Yes! Fuck off!”

  The person—Ty was sure it was Collins again—walked away muttering much more audibly about how he didn’t have to deal with this bullshit. Ty ignored him and stared at the letter.

  One of my Aunty Rhonda’s friends is putting me up in her apartment in Prague. I’ll be pretty miserable, obviously, but it’ll be nice to take a break from everything.

  I think this is the part where I say goodbye and please take care of yourself. I’m not brave enough to mean it yet, but I hope you find someone you can be with. You’re an amazing guy and not just because you used to be a firefighter and you’re hot. You’re so funny and smart and when you opened yourself up to me, I felt like the most incredible girl in the world. It would be such a shame if that went to waste because of the hang ups you have about love. Okay, I should go, sorry this letter is so long. Tam just told me to stop apologising for things that don’t need apologies, so I’ll just say I’ll miss you, Ty.

  Middleton

  Ps. I know this sounds lame, but someone will call you about returning my apartment key today or tomorrow. Goodbye again xxx

  Chapter 21

  For three days, Ty carried Middleton’s front door key. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish, only that every morning he slipped it into his pocket alongside his phone and wallet. He pulled it out from time to time, rubbed a thumb along the steel, and wondered why this hurt more than having his engagement ring returned.

  He had no idea. He was waist deep in post-breakup numbness and it was hard to see anything from that particular forest, especially the fucking trees. Since receiving the letter, he’d spent two nights at work in a row—a personal record. He had no idea why he preferred work to home, seeing as Middleton had never been to his place, and GGS was riddled with memories of her. Another tree he couldn’t see from the forest.

  Georgie had offered him her frequent flier points so he could go to Prague and try to win Middleton over but, Ty had refused. “There’s no coming back from this.”

  “You’re probably right,” she’d said. “You really fucked yourself this time.”

  The call he’d been expecting came four days after Middleton’s letter. He was in a meeting but the woman left a voicemail.

  “Hi Tyler, this is Katie’s friend, Maria. If you could return Katie’s key and anything else you might have of hers to my place in the next couple of days, that would be great. I live at 42 Copper Street, Carlton. You can come over before ten or after four. Okay, bye.”

  Her tone was sunny, but Ty could hear the dislike ticking beneath it. He remembered Maria from the derby final, a tall Latina woman built along the lines of Salma Hayek. She’d glared at him at the after-party, no doubt wondering what an old bastard like him was doing with her young friend. Well, she didn’t have to worry about him haunting Middleton’s derby games anymore.

  He replayed the message, snorting a little at the line, “If you could return Katie’s key and anything else you might have of hers.”

  What else did she think he had? He’d lost Middleton’s trust, admiration, and body in The Breton Club. The only thing he had left was the key, a little slip of metal that had once granted him refuge from the outside world and now served as a reminder of what a useless fuck-up he was.

  All morning, he considered not giving the key back to Maria, pretending he’d lost it or given it to Middleton before she left for Europe, but that was insane. Holding onto the key was only going to make Middleton change her locks, not her mind.

  That afternoon, he left work early and rode to Carlton. Maria lived in the kind of three-storey townhouse that once belonged to an Italian family of eight and would now fetch millions on the open market. He wondered what she did for a living and decided not to ask; he’d knock on the door, drop off the key, and get out. He opened the brown waist-high gate that always framed such houses and a brown kelpie bounced its way across the front yard, its face alight with doggy excitement. Instinctively, Ty dropped to one knee and started petting its ears. He’d always loved dogs.

  “Caramel!—oh it’s you, Tyler.”

  Ty looked up to see Maria standing in her doorway, a fat baby on her hip. “Hey, I’m just here to drop off Midde—Kate’s key?”

  “Of course.” Maria gestured to her house. “Come in.”

  It wasn’t a question so Ty couldn’t think of a polite way to say ‘no thanks.’ The interior of the townhouse was full of plastic kid shit and big beautiful murals made up of what looked like shells.

  “I’ll get us coffee in a second, Tyler,” Maria said, bustling up behind him. “Just let me put Emmy down.”

  She vanished, and in the absence of anything else to do, Ty bent down and scratched the dog’s velvet ears. It had followed him inside, yipping happily and making Ty feel a fuck of a lot calmer.

  Maria reappeared in front of him, sans baby. “Do you have a dog?” she said, hustling Caramel onto a nearby mat.

  “Not since I was a kid.”

  “You should get one.” There was no trace of suggestion in her voice; it was like when his sisters-in-law told him to find a new girlfriend—an order, plain and simple.

  “I work late hours and I travel a lot. It wouldn’t be fair to the dog.”

  Maria looked unimpressed. “Right. Follow me, Tyler.”

  She had a rich, accented voice, one he might ordinarily have found attractive, except she kept saying his name like it was a brand of toilet cleaner. ‘Tyler works wonders on those stubborn hard-to-face stains. Try Tyler now and we guarantee you’ll be amazed at the results!’

  Ty began to suspect this meeting had very little to do with returning Middleton’s key, but he had no idea what to do with the knowledge except follow Maria into her azure coloured kitchen. She gestured toward the bench. “Tea or coffee?”

  “Coffee, thanks.”

  His host—or was it captor?—turned on an expensive-looking espresso machine and Ty sat on a blue cushioned stool. He glanced at Maria’s fridge and noticed among all the pictures of the baby and a dark-haired boy, there was one of Middleton. She was wearing a pink sundress and smiling shyly, as though she didn’t think the picture was a good idea, but loved the person holding the camera too much to say no. Pain rippled through his chest, deep and dull as if someone had pressed a butter knife into it . He looked away.

  “How’s your day been?” Maria asked.

  Ty shook his head, trying to get Middleton out of his brain. “Good thanks, yours?”

  “Fine,” Maria said, pulling a carton of milk from the fridge. “I work from home, so it’s mostly just kids and numbers all day. What about you?”

  “About the same. Only without the kids and numbers.”

  “I see.”

  Silence fell. Ty wished Caramel was there so he’d have something to do with his hands.

  “Here you go,” Maria said placing a bright blue mug of coffee in front of him. Ty took a sip, barely tasting anything. “Thanks.”

  “Not a problem.”

  Maria came around the counter and sat beside him. Ty would have preferred she stayed on the other side. He knew what was coming next, and if she was going to
take him to task, it would be better if they remained on separate sides of the counter, like true adversaries.

  “So,” Maria said, blowing on her coffee. “I want to apologise to you.”

  That was not what Ty was expecting. “Pardon?”

  “I. Want. To. Apologise. To. You. Tyler. Henderson,” Maria enounced as though her accent might be the problem.

  “I don’t understand,” Ty said. “I mean, I get what you’re saying, but we don’t know each other, why are you apologising to me?”

  Maria frowned into her coffee. “Hasn’t Katie ever talked to you about me?”

  “Not…not really, no.”

  “I see.” She sucked her lips into her mouth, obviously hurt.

  “We didn’t really talk about each other’s friends,” Ty said, feeling the need to make amends, perhaps because she’d given him a coffee.

  “It’s fine,” Maria said briskly. “I wanted to apologise to you because I was very against you two being together. I spent a lot of time telling Katie you were a selfish arsehole and I know it sounds egotistical, but I feel I contributed to how things ended between you.”

  “Right…” Ty, unsure of how to respond, drank some of his coffee.

  “I wasn’t a friend when she needed me,” Maria continued, as though he’d asked to hear more. “I distrusted you for my own selfish reasons and for that, I owe you an apology.”

  “Right.”

  “Is that all you can say?”

  Ty thought about it. “No.”

  Maria tossed her curtain of dark hair over one shoulder. “You are such a man.”

  The statement reminded Ty of Georgie. “So I’ve been told.”

  At a loss for what else to do, he drank more coffee, knowing the sooner he finished, the sooner he could leave. Why hadn’t he dropped the key in the mailbox when he had the chance?