Especially Max. Except what I had with Max was far from mere friendship.
He’d made his intentions with me pretty clear from the get go, and I hadn’t been able to resist his charms. He was absolutely lovely—all floppy haired and muscular, my type exactly—and dating him felt amazing.
And the way he straddled that Harley… well, that had me going on another level entirely. He’d taken me out on it a couple of times, and the nights that followed were always steamy and passionate. I’d never thought of myself as a bike enthusiast before, but now I wasn’t sure that I could ever be with someone who didn’t ride.
I felt like I was really falling for him.
Well, all except for one thing. It felt like he was holding something back from me, and it was driving me crazy. I wasn’t sure what it could possibly be, and why he felt like he had to keep it a secret. I was open-minded, I wouldn’t judge him, whatever it was. I kept trying to find ways to ask him, but I felt a little uneasy trying to force him to tell me something that he so clearly didn’t want me to know.
I just wasn’t sure how we were supposed to progress our relationship to the next level with such an elephant in the room.
“The Bandits in tonight?” Pete asked me, sending me an over exaggerated, jokey wink.
“No.” I murmured, trying to ignore his blatant teasing. “They’re meeting me over at the club later on.”
The club was where I worked my second job, my favorite job. It was where I got to express myself, an outlet for some of my creativity. It was where I worked as a burlesque dancer, and luckily, Max enjoyed it just as much as I did.
*****
Max
The music thumped so loudly that it vibrated through my chest as we sat in the club, waiting for the dancing to start. I couldn’t wait for Olivia to get up there and shake her thing. She really was the sexiest damn woman that I’d ever been with, and I liked her a whole damn lot.
I might have even loved her.
Sure, it was soon. We hadn’t been together for too long—a few months at most—but the feelings were there, I couldn’t deny them to myself. She was just perfect for me—voluptuous, sexy, feisty, exciting, fun loving… and on top of that she loved my Harley! For a guy like me, that was the absolute best that I could ask for.
There was only one issue, one thing that I hadn’t told her, and I was afraid that it might tear us apart. I was bisexual. My closest friends didn’t have a problem with it, nor did the biker gang, but my parents did. And so had some of the women I’d dated in the past. It had torn apart more than one relationship, and I really didn’t want that to happen again.
I typically dated women over guys, but the sexual attraction was still there. It wasn’t like I was going to race around cheating on Liv with both sexes, should the opportunity arise, but I would have preferred her to know. It felt like I wasn’t being fully myself until I did, and I guessed that she’d probably picked up on that.
“You okay?” asked my closest buddy, Jace, nudging me gently. “Only you’ve been a bit… quiet.”
He was a great friend, the best that I could ask for, but I found it a little difficult to be around him. There was an electricity between us, and I had no idea whether or not it was one sided. We’d never particularly discussed it, but I was under the assumption that he was as straight as they come, so I guessed that it was just me that felt it, which was a little uncomfortable. When I was around him, I spent most of the time trying to hide any possible signs of my feelings—I didn’t want him to pick up on it at all. I didn’t want things to get unnecessarily complicated.
But when I was alone, just occasionally, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if we took things to the next level…
“I’m fine.” I smiled blandly, watching him push his dirty blond hair out of his mesmerizing green eyes. I gulped down my feelings and quickly snapped my head away, training my eyes on the stage once more. “Just… enjoying the beer.”
“Hmmm…” He pursed his lips, suspicious of me, but all I could think about was him doing something else with his mouth. It was incredibly distracting, and very embarrassing.
“I’m gunna get another drink.” I jumped up from my seat, needing to get away from him before I could say or do something stupid. “Want one?”
“Sure.” He sat back in his seat, staring up at me, and I could have sworn that I could see a flicker of hurt in his eyes. I paused for a split second, wondering if there was anything I could do to take that away, before forcing myself to tear away.
*****
Jace
Being around Max was incredibly confusing. I found my feelings towards him teetered dangerously over the line, which was made worse by the fact that I knew he was bisexual. It made me believe that if I just allowed it, something could actually happen between us.
This got even worse when he started to date Olivia, because she was exactly the kind of woman that I was attracted to—I’d never, ever fancied a man before. So seeing them together was like an explosion of sensuality, and it was extremely challenging to hide.
I was certain that if I’d met Olivia first, I would have been able to make her mine. She was the most gorgeous red-haired beauty that I’d ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes upon, but by the time I’d arrived at Pete’s bar that night, she’d already fallen under Max’s manly, rugged spell. She’d been sitting in his lap, giggling like a school girl, and I’d known in that moment that she was lost to me.
Every now and again, I felt like we made meaningful eye contact and I felt a zinging of desire pinging through me, but before I could read too much into it, she would be lost in Max’s dark, brooding handsome face once more, leaving me as nothing more than a distant memory.
I was jealous, of course I was. But not just of him. I was also jealous of her, because she could express her feelings for Max without fear of judgment or causing confusion. It was terribly confusing, and gave me many sleepless nights. I just couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way, and why I couldn’t turn my emotions off. I didn’t need the added complication in my life—I really could have done without it.
But as I watched Max walk away, I knew there was no way that would be happening any time soon. Then, Olivia was announced on stage, and my heart began to race for her as well.
I was a mess, and the more time I spent with the gang, the worse this became. But I couldn’t leave, the Bandits were the closest thing to a family that I’d ever had since I’d been raised in various foster homes. I needed the guys—all of them—so I was just going to have to suck it up, and hope that the feelings would go away in the end.
*****
Olivia
The music began to pulse right through me as soon as my sparkly, sequined costume was plastered on my body. When I got dressed, I felt ready, I felt like a new, incredibly sexy character—one that I loved to share with the world.
This was why burlesque dancing was so perfect for me. I felt like I could be a better, more exciting version of myself, and I got to show that side of me to the rest of the world. It was exhilarating and a whole lot of fun.
I knew that Max was going to be out there watching me tonight, and the horny feeling that gave me took me to a whole new level of sensuality. When he was in the audience, the show became about me and him. Everyone else simply melted into the background.
Luckily, it wasn’t long before I heard the announcer calling me on to the stage, because another few moments and I may have driven myself crazy with desire.
“… and next up is Karma!” I used a typical, fun-loving stripper-style name even though everyone knew my real identity. I found that it helped me get into the mindset that I needed to be.
I pursed my lips, pushed out my breasts and placed my hands resolutely on my hips. I always did a good show, and I was determined that tonight would be no different.
“Okay Olivia.” I whispered to myself. “Let’s do this.”
As I stepped out into the lights, shaking my hips in time
with the music, I flicked my eyes over the crowd, wanting to find him right away. I didn’t break character or my routine; I simply included my search for him as a part of it. As soon as I located him, I knew that I’d be able to really get into it. As I was making it good for him, it was better for the rest of the audience too, and I intended to utilize this as much as possible.
But my eyes didn’t connect with his dark ones right away. Before they could find him, they managed to land on a pair of green sparkly ones instead.
Jace.
I gulped down, spinning, trying to distract myself from him, but I kept getting drawn back like a magnet. I wasn’t sure what it was about Jace, but he had me mesmerized. He always had since I’d very first met him. It was horribly complicated, and I found it a massive bug bear in my relationship. Sometimes it was difficult to be around Jace because of it—I was afraid that it was totally obvious, and that terrified me.
I liked Max a whole lot—my feelings for him ran really deep—nothing could change that, but I couldn’t deny to myself that Jace gave me an intense frisson of excitement too. I hated it. It felt like a betrayal, and I would never admit it out loud, but there was definitely something there. If I hadn’t met Max, then maybe I would explore it, but I had, so I wouldn’t.
He would always be an unknown to me, and I would have to accept that.
I suddenly realized that Max was standing next to Jace, that he had been the entire time, and a humiliated blush radiated through my entire body.
Shit!
I tried to up the ante of my dance, to detract from my awful treachery right in front of my boyfriend. I couldn’t believe that I’d just gotten caught out. I was suddenly terrified of what the consequences were going to be—I didn’t want to lose Max over a fantasy. And that was all that Jace was. Even if we broke up, he was off limits now. I didn’t want that stupid lax moment to end things for me, not when they’d been going so damn well.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
*****
Max
“Where to next?” Bry—the self proclaimed leader of our motorbike gang—yelled loudly over the music. He was one of those super tough guys that you just didn’t fuck with, but deep down he was kind-hearted and lovely. He was over-protective of all of us, and fiercely loyal. He’d helped me a lot when I started exploring my bisexuality, and I would always be grateful to him for that.
I sent him a thankful smile, noticing that he’d somehow managed to read my mind yet again.
Once Olivia had finished dancing, and we’d seen a few more of the girls, he was ready to move the party on to somewhere else, and to be honest, so was I. There was a bizarre atmosphere in the air, and I wanted to get away from it. I wanted to escape to somewhere new, somewhere with a clean slate so that I could sort my head out.
I’d spotted the moment between Jace and Liv—I’d have been an idiot to miss it—and it had made me feel all weird inside. I hadn’t felt angry and betrayed, like I probably should have. Instead I’d wished that they would be more open about it, so that I could be involved. I wanted to be a part of it, not someone ignored on the outskirts. It hurt that they seemed to see me as just that—even though I completely understood. Neither of them were mind readers and I hadn’t told them my feelings, but my emotions didn’t understand logic, and right now with booze flooding my system, I couldn’t seem to get that under control.
I needed to get as far away from it all as possible. I was growing increasingly intoxicated, and I didn’t want that to impact on how the night played out. I was aware that I could go either way with what I did next, and I didn’t want to do it thoughtlessly. I didn’t want to do anything that could have long term effects, anything that I would regret tomorrow.
“That German place?” I heard myself slur. “The heavy metal place?”
“Sounds good.” The guys all agreed quickly, which pleased me. I didn’t want to go through the usual hour of debate, I just needed an out, and I needed one now.
I could feel Jace’s eyes carefully trained upon me, but I refused to look at him. He didn’t need to know that he was putting me through an emotional rollercoaster. In fact, him finding that out would cause all kinds of trouble—and that was the opposite of what I needed.
“You guys go on if you want, I’ll wait for Liv.” I wanted a moment to myself, to get my head together, but it didn’t seem like I was going to be granted that.
“I’ll wait with you.” I heard Jace stating, sending everyone else on their way. Him remaining behind with me was going to cause me all kinds of issues, I was dizzy in his presence—how was I supposed to organize my thoughts in that environment?
“Anything you want to tell me?” He asked as soon as we were alone. I shook my head firmly, not trusting myself to speak and I heard him sigh deeply. He was disappointed in me for closing off, and that saddened me, but not enough to change my mind. My lips were going to remain firmly shut no matter what.
Luckily, before anything else could happen, Olivia breezed over to us, seemingly totally unaware of the tension that was flowing between us.
“Okay guys?” She said hurriedly. “Are you ready to go?”
We both nodded mutely, and she set about ushering us outside. She chatted incessantly, trying to cover up the silence, but I managed to tune the most of it out.
And then we started the most awkward cab ride of our entire lives. I wasn’t sure if the others were feeling weird because of their over-the-top eye contact, or if it was me making them feel that way, but whatever it was, I could feel my mood darkening considerably until I was all the way into pissed off.
*****
Jace
After the horrific cab ride, we entered the club clumsily, none of us quite knowing where we stood with one another or what we should say.
At first, we’d joined the other guys, all sitting around a large table which managed to defuse some of the tension, but as time passed and people separated off into small groups, we found ourselves alone once more.
As the night wore on, Max grew increasingly grumpy the more he drank. Olivia and I tried to work out what was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell us anything. I had the horrible sneaking suspicion that he was beginning to think that I had feelings for him, and that devastated me. I didn’t want that to destroy the friendship that we had, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to stop him from hating me for the way I was feeling. I didn’t even think the feeble excuse that I couldn’t stop it would help.
As he stomped off to the bathroom, after some unexpected harsh words with Olivia, I turned to see the distressed look on her face, and I couldn’t resist trying to comfort her. I threw my arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close to me. The way she felt against my body was incredible, she felt really right there, but I couldn’t focus on that. This was about Max. I needed to shut my emotions down as much as possible, if only for five minutes.
“He’ll be alright.” I said, comfortingly. “It’s probably just one of his moods…” I tried to act like I knew what I was on about, but realistically Max’s emotions were a minefield of confusion to me.
“I just feel like he’s hiding something from me.” She jumped in, clearly exasperated. “It’s making it very difficult for me to be with him.”
I made an agreeable noise, not really sure what I should say. I wasn’t sure what he was hiding from her, so I couldn’t exactly give any advice. I really hoped that she wasn’t going to ask for my opinion on anything to do with their relationship – I already felt like I was too heavily involved.
“I don’t know.” She ran her fingers through her hair in a pissed off gesture. “Sometimes I think it would be easier if… if…” The way she was looking up at me showed me exactly what she was thinking about. The same thing that I’d spent months pondering.
She was wondering what it would be like to be with me. She was considering what would have happened if she’d met me first.
I don’t know who made the first move, only that we couldn’t keep apart for another
second. Before another beat from the drum could ring out, we were making out like horny teenagers. It felt amazing to finally give into the temptation that had been hanging over us forever. So much so, that we didn’t even acknowledge the rest of the world, until a gasp from Max. We jumped apart like being struck by lightning. We'd be caught. Oh fuck.
I flicked my eyes between everyone, inescapable panic rising up through my chest. As if I hadn’t done enough damage, now this? What the hell was wrong with me?!
“Liv? Jace?” Max’s eyes darted between us both, as if he couldn’t quite believe the betrayal. My heart was racing, my mind whirring, trying to come up with an excuse, but I couldn’t because of course there wasn’t one.
I’d fucked it. I’d ruined everything. Why couldn’t I just keep my fantasies in my mind? Why did I have to ruin my best friend’s relationship? Did I really have no self control?
I waited tentatively, expecting him to blow at any moment. I half wanted to grab Olivia’s hand, to comfort her through it all, but I knew that action would be incredibly inappropriate. I knew that would make it so much worse. We would have to just wait until he made up his mind what he was going to do next.
He stepped closer, and it took all that I had to not recoil. If he was going to punch me, then I was going to have to take it. I deserved it after all.
But then I watched as he leant across and kissed Olivia with a fierce passion, before taking a step back and doing the same to me. Fireworks exploded in my stomach as his lips crashed into mine after a lifetime of wanting, and my body screamed out in fervor, unable to believe what was happening.
“Come on.” He murmured with a clear fire in his eyes. “Let’s get out of here.”
I shot Olivia a disbelieving look, before spotting the same hooded, desire filled expression in her face as she nodded.
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