by Sara DeHaven
He regarded her quietly for a moment, and she wasn’t sure if he was taking in what she said or waiting for her to continue. She realized that in spite of the inherently awkward nature of their conversation, he looked calm. The intensity, the drive that was so often evident in him seemed absent, as was the demon contact induced edginess that had been growing in him for as long as she’d known him. The moment stretched on, and when she didn’t speak, Daniel continued.
“I know you volunteered. I know you pushed to be a part of going after Hunter. And the truth is, I wanted you with me. For one thing, I'm attracted to you. You were like cool, clean water after years of dust and thirst. I've rarely met someone who tries as hard to do the right thing, who is so loyal, so bright, and so brave. I trusted you almost from the first moment I met you, and that’s not something that's ever happened to me before.”
A blush rose on his face at what he was revealing, and he pushed a hand through his hair. “And I guess I thought at first that I could help you. I got the impression that you weren’t happy separating yourself from your power. I could see such incredible potential in you, and I thought if you had some meaningful work to do, something that could help others, it would pull you out of that, make you whole again. And now it looks like I’ve just set you back.”
As he spoke, Bree felt long dormant butterflies start up in her stomach. His admitting his attraction, his warm portrayal of her all conspired to bring up the powerful, nervous draw she’d felt toward him right from the beginning. And she couldn’t help but appreciate his fearless look at his own motives, his willingness to admit where he might have gone wrong. She had to respect him for that. But at the same time, she didn’t want to feel attracted to him again. Every time she’d given in to it before, it had overwhelmed her. She wasn’t at all sure she wanted to be overwhelmed again.
The only thing that came clear in the whirl of her thoughts and emotions was that he was taking perhaps too much responsibility. “I made you take me with you when you went to work on the finder spell. I threatened you into it. And you didn’t make me go into that warehouse. You didn’t make me, you didn’t make me… kill that man,” she got out in a rush.
“I assume you mean Scanlon. Will you tell me what happened with him?”
A hot pressure crested inside her chest at his simple question, then broke, and it all poured out of her, the desperate attempt to protect him and Kevin, the quick and dirty attempt at some combination of exorcism and Demon Master power. How it burned Scanlon down to nothing.
“Bree,” he said seriously when she finished, then said her name again so she would look at him, so his eyes could catch and hold hers. “I've killed people in the line of duty before, in self defense or in defense of someone else. And sometimes, I had to wonder if I was doing it in anger, if it was always justified. It’s a terrible thing, and it’s natural and right that you feel terrible. God knows I always did."
She couldn't hold his gaze. She was trying too hard not to cry.
"But it’s clear to me, and should be clear to you, that you weren’t trying to kill Scanlon. It was an accident. Keep in mind that it was a madhouse in there. I don’t think I’ve ever been part of a more dangerous action, given how many demons were in the mix."
In a way, Bree knew he was right. She had thought about the self-defense angle, thought about how she hadn’t meant to kill Scanlon. But it was still ultimately she that had caused his death. “I don’t know what to say to Hunter,” she replied almost soundlessly. And, finally, she started to cry.
He leaned forward a little and put a hand on her knee. “Kevin and Steve already told Hunter that Scanlon was killed. Let them decide what more he's ready to hear and when he’s ready to hear it,” he said firmly.
The tears came faster at that. Daniel got up, went to the bathroom down the hall, and brought back a box of Kleenex that he put down on the couch next to her. Then he retreated again to the chair across from her.
After giving her a little time to get herself under control, he said, “There’s more, isn’t there? More about the possession, about Gelsenim.”
She gave her eyes a last wipe, tossed the Kleenex aside and looked up at him. Although causing Scanlon's death had bothered her most, she knew she'd been avoiding this conversation about Gelsenim as much as she'd been avoiding the one about Scanlon.
“Have you been having contact with him?” she asked. For the first time, she made a conscious effort to read him. Her quick stab at it told her that on the energy level, he was a lot less calm than he looked. She could even feel a tinge of the darkness.
“Just enough to keep him away from you. He isn’t happy about that, but so far my power over him is enough to hold him.”
“So you haven’t done any more, ah, experiments?”
For the first time in their conversation, he looked uneasy. He sat back in the chair, crossed his ankle over his knee, and looked out the window. The sun had come out, and it shone on his face, highlighting the top of his cheekbones and creating shadows in the hollow of his cheeks. “I’ve thought about it. I’ve had to admit to myself how unstable, how close to the edge I’ve been. I still don’t know why demon contact is affecting me so quickly and powerfully. It’s made me wonder if I’m really the right person for this kind of research.” He looked back her way again, and his look was penetrating.
And here it was, she could see it coming. This was part of what she had feared, that he'd rope her back in to all the unanswered questions about demons, get her hooked on the mystery of it again.
He must have seen the fear on her face, because he hastened to add, “Look, I’m not going to pressure you. As I said, I’m already regretting how deep you got in to all this. But I would like to know what happened with Gelsenim. And I think it would do you good to talk about it.”
Bree sighed and shook her head, not in denial, but at herself. Here was someone who truly understood what it meant to be vulnerable to demon kind, to feel like a bad person because of his particular talents, because of the way he was wired. It was enough to make him, perhaps, inherently unstable. But at least he always tried. He took action, tried to fight it. And here she was just hiding out, from herself, from him, from everyone. The least she could do was tell him what happened
“I called on Gelsenim when I got desperate, during the battle,” she began hesitantly. “I guess that means I have some kind of Demon Master talent, because he came when I called. I asked him to possess me because I knew that was the only chance I had to protect you and Kevin from Franchesca. And once he possessed me, it was the strangest thing. I was able to talk to him, in my head.”
As the story unfolded, her voice got stronger, and she felt her own curiosity stirring. “I didn’t feel ill, or evil. I just felt strong and confident, at least at first. And he was able to show me spells. They just came into my mind, completely clear, and I was able to use them. I just instinctively knew how to shape my will and base energy. It didn’t even take that much focus. And he didn’t fight me that much. He seemed willing to do what I wanted, at least up until I wanted him to leave. He told me we were compatible, even more compatible than he is with you. That I was close to being like those Seldenai he talks about."
She felt chilled talking about it. She pulled a throw off the back of the couch and draped it over her lap. "And when you ordered him out, I didn’t have any ill effects apart from being exhausted, and that could just have been from the all the power usage. I don’t think I’ve ever gone as all out in trying to use power as I did that night. I’ve certainly never tried that level of casting before. It’s kind of a miracle that it worked at all.” She wound down, and waited for Daniel's response, not sure what she wanted to hear.
“Well, something unusual happened, obviously,” he said thoughtfully. “There was some way you were able to work well with Gelsenim. Maybe there’s something to what he calls ‘compatibility.’ But that was a very short experiment, and under duress. It’s hard to draw too many conclusions from what happ
ened.”
“At least one conclusion is unavoidable,” Bree asserted with disgust. “There’s something seriously wrong with me if a demon likes me that much and sees me as compatible.”
Daniel lips compressed in denial and he shook his head. “That’s a pretty big conclusion to jump to. We don’t have any idea what ‘compatible’ means in this context. You said you didn’t feel evil. You probably had a chance to kill Franchesca, and you didn’t, though God knows you have every reason to hate her after what she did to Hunter. Instead, you risked a lot to save my life. That doesn’t sound to me like the actions of someone who has some terrible dark side attractive to a demon. I think if you did, it would have come out then. You were under tremendous stress, and in fear for your life. No, it doesn’t scan.”
Bree wanted to be convinced by what Daniel was saying, and the logical side of her could see that his argument had merit. But the reverse of his argument was also just as possible, and she voiced it. “Like you said, it was a short experiment. Given more time with the demon possessing me, that dark side, or whatever it is that attracts Gelsenim, could have taken over. You know," she admitted reluctantly, "I kind of wanted him to stay."
“From what you described, that’s not surprising. It sounds like you got very effective at casting, very quickly, and I’m guessing your power was enhanced by the possession, since that’s generally true for any powered.”
“Yes, but when he possessed you, did you want him to stay?”
That question clearly struck a hole in his attempts to reassure her, because he paused a tellingly long time. “Not really,” he finally conceded. He uncrossed his legs and leaned toward her again, regarding her earnestly. “But Bree, that doesn’t necessarily make me better than you. You’re just different in some way. We don’t know if it’s in a big way, or a small way, or anything much about it at all. It’s an unknown. And I can’t help but think that if we could solve that mystery, we’d be that much closer to understanding demon kind, to having some kind of leverage over them.”
“Apparently we’re the same in being Demon Masters, at least.”
“I don’t know about that. You really don’t feel like a Demon Master to me. It’s hard to explain. I may not be the best Reader in the world, but I’ve encountered more than my fair share of Demon Masters, and I’m pretty sure you aren't one.”
“But then how do you explain what I can do?” Bree asked plaintively.
“I can’t explain it, not yet,” Daniel replied, and some of his habitual intensity glittered for a moment in his eyes. It enlivened him, and some of the calm he’d been displaying evaporated. It spooked Bree a little, but it also sent electricity shooting up her spine. There really was something in that side of him that attracted her. Something about how high power he was, how focused, was very alluring to her. She didn’t want to respond to it, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.
With an effort, she focused her mind back on the conversation. “I know I should probably be trying to figure all that out, but I’m not sure I’m up to it. I mean, look at me,” she went on more passionately. “I’m a mess. I haven’t been willing to think, I haven’t been able to face any of this. I’m basically just a coward. I know it would be the right thing to do, to try to figure it out, to do more experiments, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t think I can.”
Daniel sighed. “Look, you’re not cutting yourself any slack here. I wasn’t in great shape myself after my first battles, and certainly not after the first time I killed someone. But I had a community of Keepers to support me, and that helped get me through it. You’ve been sitting here alone, feeling there’s no one it’s safe to talk to, and in a way, you were right. I know what it’s like to have to keep secrets, and it’s not a good thing."
He settled back into the chair, and his expression went hard. "And when I think about what you went through with Scanlon, how much it was like what happened to Seth, it just kills me. I’ve never been married, but I can’t even imagine how hard it was on you to see your husband die like that. And to be reminded in such a way.” He looked away from her. “All I can do is imagine how I’d react if I’d lost you that way and had to see something like it happen again. I really don’t know how I’d be able to cope with it.”
He was serious. He was telling her he cared that much. Heat rushed through her body, followed by terror. “Daniel,” she said a little breathlessly, “I don’t know if we, if I…” She looked away in embarrassment, and forced herself to continue. “I don’t know if we’re good for each other. How do you know it wasn’t me that was negatively affecting you, and not the demon contact? What if it’s something in me?”
It seemed he'd never considered that before, because he stayed silent for some time. “I don’t think that’s it, but I guess I don’t know.”
“And how do I know it’s not something in you that brought out this Demon Master thing, or whatever it is, in me?” she went on relentlessly.
“I don’t know the answer,” he replied, “but I want to know.”
A humorous snort was surprised out of her at that. “Yeah, that’s probably what’ll be on your tombstone. Daniel Thorvaldson. He wanted to know.”
That got a smile out of him. “Okay, that's a palpable hit. But what I mostly want to say here is give it some time. Give yourself time to recover, to find your bearings. Don’t feel like you have to figure everything out right now, or decide everything right now, not about us, not about Gelsenim, not about any of it. Ultimately, I think we can help each other, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to work on this together, or see if we might be good together,” he finished, voice trailing off uncertainly.
“Well, you’re helping me already by keeping Gelsenim off of me. But I can’t expect you to do that indefinitely.”
“I can do it for as long as you need me to,” he asserted swiftly.
“No, that’s something I’m going to have to figure out, if only to keep you from having to continue regular contact with him. But I guess you’re right, I do need a little more time. I can’t promise anything, Daniel, I really can’t,” she said with as much resolution as she could muster. “I don’t know that I can plunge back into working on the demon problem. And I don’t know if I’m capable, if I’m willing,” she corrected herself carefully, “to pursue a relationship, working or otherwise. I admire you, I respect you, I’m attracted to you, but you scare me, Daniel. I scare myself when I’m with you.”
He opened his mouth to say more, maybe to protest, and she forestalled him with a raised hand. “Enough now. I think that’s enough for one day.”
Daniel gave her a searing look, making her insides quiver. Then he nodded, rose to his feet and pulled on his coat. “I hope it’s all right that I came like this. I wanted to respect your wishes, but after talking to Dion…”
“Oh, Dion could sell sand in the desert,” Bree told him. “And besides, for once I think he was right. It did help to talk to you.”
She followed him to the door, where he turned to face her. A mix of emotions crossed his face; hope, vulnerability, doubt, sadness. She thought he was about to say something else, but instead, he lowered his head and kissed her, hard. Then he turned and walked out her door, leaving her with fingers pressed against her tingling mouth.
Bree continued to improve throughout December. She was gratified when she got in quite a few clients in spite of the pending holidays. After some initial grinchiness, she pulled her Christmas decorations out of the storage shed, got a tree and had Hunter over to help her decorate it. They were assisted by two of the neighborhood cats, the black and the calico, who pulled ornaments down about as fast as she and Hunter got them up, to Hunter’s great hilarity.
“This is why I don’t like cats,” Bree growled, but it amused Hunter so much that she let them stay.
On a couple of occasions, her Demonsense flared up, and she was afraid it was Gelsenim coming to pay her a visit, but he never manifested. She had to assume that Daniel was still h
andling him for her, and she felt guilty about that. She did think of calling him a couple of times. Kevin had left her a voice mail letting her know Daniel had a cell now and left her the number without further comment. But somehow she couldn’t quite do it even though, more and more, she wanted to talk to him, to brainstorm, to get help formulating some kind of a plan on how to deal with Gelsenim. And she still had so many questions about things that had happened, questions about the demons. There had been the novel, unexpected, and dangerous behavior the demon Tirakku had exhibited when it jumped bodies so easily and managed to possess an experienced, warded exorcist like Javier. There was still the issue of demons having some masking abilities. Not to mention the question of why demon possessions were on the rise.
She celebrated the Winter Solstice with Sophie and Bruce, then later in the week drove home to Bellingham to spend Christmas with her parents and her resolutely single older brother Garrett. It all seemed so normal there, so at odds with her recent experience that, although she appreciated seeing them all, she felt disconnected. None of them knew that she was powered. She’d successfully hidden it all these years, wanting some place to be separate from all that. It used to comfort her, but now the secret just made her feel distant.
Her mother sensed that something was wrong, and began her motherly probing while they were doing dishes together after Christmas dinner.
"All right, sweetheart, out with it. You're not yourself. Something is clearly on your mind."
"I'm really missing Seth," Bree replied, and she was. She still missed him terribly, especially at the holidays. Things were never complicated with Seth. Oh, they’d had their issues, just like any couple, but overall, it'd always been comfortable with Seth. He was like a warm wool blanket on a cold day. She missed his laugh, missed the warmth of his presence in her bed. But of course that wasn't all that was on her mind.