by S. H. Kolee
He turned around abruptly and stalked out of the room. I grabbed onto the chair next to me to stop myself from collapsing to the floor. I had no idea what had just happened between us, but I knew our relationship was irrevocably changed… if there even was a relationship left to salvage.
I took several deep breaths, trying to regain my composure, before I left Cassie’s bedroom. The last thing I needed was for Mrs. Brooks to see how upset I was.
When I came back downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks were standing next to the dining table in front of the cake while Logan had his back to them, facing the window. He didn’t turn around when he heard my approach, but Mrs. Brooks’ face brightened.
“There you are,” she said with a wide smile. “Now we can light the candles.”
“Sorry I took so long,” I replied, trying to sound normal despite the chaotic emotions that threatened to overwhelm me.
“Don’t worry about it, dear,” Mrs. Brooks said kindly. “Cassie keeps her room such a mess. I’m not surprised it took you a while to find a lighter.”
I silently handed Mr. Brooks the lighter and watched as he lit the candles on top of the cake. It was a beautiful cake covered in intricate frosting with the words “Happy Birthday Cassie” piped in yellow.
Mrs. Brooks ushered me in front of the cake, and I stared at it, feeling sick to my stomach. I could almost feel Cassie’s disapproving presence next to me, wondering what the hell we were doing pretending that she was still alive. She would have protested loudly at this display, dismayed that we hadn’t moved past her death. She had never been one to dwell on the obstacles of life, preferring to move forward and push ahead.
“I know it’s silly to sing Happy Birthday without Cassie here, but I’m sure she’d appreciate it. I’ll tell her all about it once she comes home.”
I nodded weakly at Mrs. Brooks, although the only thing I wanted to do was run from the mocking cake and candles and from Logan’s tense back.
“Logan,” Mrs. Brooks called out. “Come join us.”
His shoulders stiffened, but he slowly turned around. His expression was unreadable as he moved to join us, and he studiously avoided my gaze.
Mrs. Brooks started singing and her husband joined in soon after. I added my trembling voice, although I desperately wanted to shut my eyes against this mockery of a celebration. I didn’t hear Logan join in, and I wasn’t surprised.
“Blow out the candles,” Mrs. Brooks encouraged when I just stood there after we were done singing. I swallowed audibly, feeling an irrational fear that if I blew out the candles in Cassie’s stead, I would somehow be damning myself.
“Madison,” Mr. Brooks prompted, a stern look on his usually gentle face. “It’s time to blow out the candles.”
In a flash of insight, I wondered who was sicker—Cassie’s mother, who actually believed she was still alive, or her father, who knew the truth but lived a lie for his wife.
I told myself to just blow out the damn candles so I could get the hell out of there, but my body refused to cooperate. I felt myself start to tremble. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t blow out Cassie’s birthday candles for so many reasons, but the main reason was that it was just wrong. I felt as though I would be betraying her, betraying the short yet brilliant life she had lived, by not acknowledging that she was gone. I wouldn’t be blowing out her candles because she was stuck in traffic. I would be blowing out her candles to perpetuate the lie that she was still alive. She would have hated that.
“Madison,” Mr. Brooks said again, but this time there was steel in his voice. “Blow out the candles.”
“What’s wrong?” Mrs. Brooks asked, her voice much gentler. “Are you feeling okay? You look pale.”
I shook my head, unsure whether it was in response to her question or to this farce. I took a step back, almost stumbling as I tried to put some space between me and the candles, which seemed to burn even brighter. I felt suffocated and panicky, and I instinctively lurched back when Mrs. Brooks put her hand on my shoulder.
“Maybe you should lie down for a bit, dear,” Mrs. Brooks suggested, looking worried. “You look like you’re about to faint.”
“She’s fine,” Mr. Brooks said implacably. He had a bland expression on his face, but his eyes were warning me. “Madison, blow out the candles or Cassie’s mother will be very disappointed.”
It seemed impossible to feel the heat of the candles, considering how small the flames were, but I suddenly felt their oppressive warmth, and I backed farther away until I bumped into a hard, unyielding object.
Logan’s arm immediately came up around my waist, and I felt relief rush through me. Despite the ugly words we had just thrown at each other, he still felt like a safe haven. A sane safe haven, something this household seemed to lack.
“We’re leaving,” he announced, his voice hard. “We’re not doing this anymore.”
“Doing what?” Mrs. Brooks asked, looking confused. “What are you talking about?”
Logan’s expression softened when he turned to her. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Brooks, but we have to leave now.”
She looked helplessly at the cake. “But the candles…”
Logan grabbed my hand, and without another word, he pulled me towards the front door. I was numb, and allowed him to guide me. Mr. Brooks caught up to us before Logan could open the door.
“Don’t do this,” Mr. Brooks said to me, his voice quiet but urgent. “She needs you right now. If you leave like this, she’ll spend the rest of the day wondering what went wrong, until she’s unable to handle the confusion and has a breakdown.” His expression turned grim. “You know how much your presence means to her today. You were like a daughter to her. Don’t turn your back on her now.”
“Bullshit.” Logan’s tone was harsh and his hand tightened around mine. “Don’t put this on Madison. It’s not her fault that you’re unwilling to make Cassie’s mother face the truth. I’m not going to stand here and let you push Madison to her breaking point.” He took a deep breath, seeming to try to get a handle on his emotions. When he spoke again, his voice was calmer. “I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. But you have to remember how close Cassie and Madison were. Madison has gone through so much grief; don’t burden her with even more by making her responsible for Mrs. Brooks’ happiness.”
Cassie’s father’s gaze dropped to our intertwined hands, and I immediately let go of Logan’s, feeling guilty. Mr. Brooks’ eyes narrowed as he studied my face, ignoring Logan.
“Is there something you’re not telling me?” he asked. I didn’t miss the edge in his voice.
“No. I don’t know what you mean.” I tried to sound convincing but my voice was unsteady. His look of displeasure deepened.
“Madison, I expected more from you. It’s obvious that there’s something going on between you two. Cassie trusted you, and you’re repaying that trust by getting involved with her boyfriend. How can you do that to her when you know how much she loved him? Or does her death make him fair game?”
“Fuck this shit,” Logan bit out, no longer willing to try to reason with Mr. Brooks. He flung open the front door and grabbed my hand again, nearly dragging me to the car. I was in a state of shock over Mr. Brooks’ words. I couldn’t believe his hateful expression and accusatory tone. But instead of feeling outraged by it, it reinforced everything that I had tried to forget. I had betrayed Cassie.
I let Logan guide me into the car. I stared blankly out the windshield as he stalked to the other side and slid into the driver’s seat. He started the engine without another word and pulled away from the Brooks’ home. We didn’t speak for a few minutes. I was trying to process everything that had just happened, willing myself not to break down, when Logan finally broke the silence.
“Do you still want to go over to your father’s?”
We had planned to drop by my father’s house after visiting the Brooks, but I knew I couldn’t hide how upset I was and I didn’t want to worry him.
“No,” I whispered. I cleared my throat, trying to speak louder. “Let’s just go home.”
“Maddie,” he started tentatively. He immediately cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you that. It just slips out sometimes.”
“It’s okay,” I choked out. I took a long, shuddering breath and suddenly the dam burst. I buried my face in my hands as my body was wracked in violent sobs. I felt the loss of Cassie all over again, and the guilt of betraying her. It was my fault. Everything was my fault.
I was barely aware of Logan pulling the car over to the side of the road. I didn’t resist when he unbuckled our seatbelts and leaned over to put his arms around me. I shouldn’t be finding solace in his embrace, but I couldn’t deny the need to be close to him.
“It’s okay,” he said gently, stroking my back. “Let it all out.”
I sobbed even harder at his words, feeling a confusing mix of despair and comfort by his presence. His arms tightened around me, and I burrowed deeper into his embrace, wanting to lose myself in him. I resented the middle console that prevented me from getting closer to him. His head dropped to rest on top of mine, and I felt his lips press against my hair.
When my tears finally subsided, I felt my heart start to beat faster, and I found myself unable to fully catch my breath. I pulled back to break the embrace as warning bells went off in my head. I was dangerously close to crossing a line with Logan, and once that boundary was violated, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him anymore.
I stared down at my hands resting on the console, afraid to look at him. I made an involuntary sound when he gently wiped away the tears that had tracked down my cheeks.
“Maddie,” he whispered. I felt compelled to lift my head and meet his gaze. His eyes searched my face as if he were looking for some sort of sign. My lips started to tremble when he leaned in closer, and I knew we were crossing into dangerous territory. Yet, I didn’t pull away. I could have easily drawn back and avoided his kiss, but I felt a primal pull towards him, and instead of evading his lips, I leaned forward to meet them.
I felt the faint whisper of his breath before his lips met mine, and then I was too lost in a sea of sensations to give thought to anything else. His mouth gently caressed mine as our lips clung to each other, and the kiss quickly deepened. The taste of him and the warmth of his soft lips had me pushing for more. He gently held the sides of my head to hold me captive, as if he were afraid I was going to pull away, but I didn’t think I could have even if I had been capable of conscious thought.
A soft moan escaped me, urging Logan to push for more. The pressure of his lips increased, and I opened my mouth, aching to be as close to him as possible. My whole body was enveloped in a sensual heat and an almost painful ache was growing in intensity at my core.
Despite his passion, up to this point Logan had seemed to be in control. This abruptly changed when I placed my hands against his chest, my fingers digging into him and grabbing his shirt to pull him closer to me. Suddenly, his control snapped, and his hands slid to the back of my head, gripping my scalp as his lips became more demanding. He pushed his tongue into my open mouth, laving it against my own.
I was caught up in a tide of uncontrollable desire, just trying to keep my head above water. I eagerly welcomed his invasion as our tongues tangled around each other wildly, and our lips feverishly came together. Logan groaned when my tongue entered his mouth, and seemingly impossibly, our kiss became even wilder.
I heard a whimper, not realizing that it was coming from me, and it stirred Logan to push for more. His hands slid down my back to my bottom, and he pulled me towards him. He growled when the console between us prevented him from pulling my body against his. His hands gripped my waist as if he were going to just pick me up and place me on his lap.
“Maddie,” he rasped when he realized that feat wasn’t going to be so easy in the limited confines of his SUV. “Swing your legs over to my side.”
Hearing him call me by that nickname was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. My conscience came flooding back with a vengeance. I pulled away, horrified by what I was doing, especially on this day.
Logan lifted his hand as if he were going to make a grab for me, but I moved back, pressing myself against the car door to evade him. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes pierced me with their intensity. I couldn’t draw in a full breath, and I just stared at him as a dozen emotions went through me.
“Don’t,” he rasped in a low voice. “Don’t pull away from me.”
I shook my head, unable to speak. For a few moments, there were only the sounds of our heavy breathing. When I was finally able to find my voice, it was broken and trembling.
“This was a mistake. We can’t be doing this, especially today of all days. Please, let’s just forget this ever happened.”
Logan’s face tightened and his eyes narrowed. “This wasn’t a mistake. You’re just scared of admitting your true feelings. Aren’t you tired of pretending?”
“I’m not pretending,” I replied, trying to make my voice firm although I couldn’t hide the tremor in it. “This is wrong. We’re friends, nothing more. I was just over-emotional with today being Cassie’s birthday and what happened at her parents’ house.”
His mouth tightened, and I could see he was struggling to control his emotions. “Why is this wrong? We’re not hurting anyone.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, I have a boyfriend.” I tried to not make my voice accusatory since I had been just as culpable in our slip-up as he was. Plus, I didn’t want to agitate him to the point that he would push me about Cassie. “Please, let’s just move past this. I need for us to move past this so we can stay friends.”
“Friends.” Logan spat the word out like it was distasteful. He gave me a humorless smile and turned away from me, putting his seatbelt on angrily and changing the gear to drive. “Yeah, we’re friends.”
I didn’t know how to take his comment, so I was silent as he pulled back onto the road. I put my seatbelt back on, and to give myself a distraction, I made a quick call to my father to explain that I wouldn’t be able to stop by today. I gave the excuse of having a deadline for work moved up. He was disappointed, but understood and I promised I would visit him soon.
Not another word was said between Logan and me on the drive home, and when he dropped me off in front of my apartment building, he just gave me a curt nod in response to my tentative thanks for driving.
He waited for me to unlock the front door and step inside, as was customary, but the moment the door closed behind me, he peeled off abruptly. I stared at the fast-disappearing tail lights of his car, wondering if I had lost him for good.
Chapter Seven
The next few days were miserable. Logan made no attempts to contact me, and the lack of his presence in my life was painful, especially considering how we had last parted. Even Adam noticed that I was being unusually quiet when he came over on Wednesday night.
“What’s wrong, babe?” he asked in the midst of eating Chinese take-out. It had been his suggestion, and I couldn’t help comparing him to the last person I had eaten Chinese food with.
“Nothing,” I replied, trying to smile at him. In addition to being depressed over what had happened between Logan and me, I was also trying to deal with the guilt of having betrayed Adam. Not only had I betrayed him, I hadn’t given him a moment’s thought while I was busy practically trying to swallow Logan whole.
“Why so glum, then?” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Is it your article for work?”
I grasped onto the excuse he gave me. “Yeah, I’m just having a hard time making it all come together. I’m writing a piece about the recent drop of students’ standardized test scores in our district, but it’s been difficult to get a perspective on the issue that feels right to me.”
“I’m sure it’ll be great,” Adam said reassuringly. “I’m having some problems on a chapter I’m working on, too. I’m getting too bogged down by
my narrative, and I’m trying to devise ways to make the narrative work for me instead of the other way around.”
I listened to him drone on about literary devices, grateful that he had latched onto the subject so I didn’t have to contribute to the conversation. He could easily get caught up on a topic and talk endlessly about it. Usually it annoyed me, but tonight, I nodded and made encouraging sounds to keep him talking, although I was barely listening.
“Madison.”
Adam’s tone of voice made me realize that he had been trying to get my attention for a while but my thoughts had drifted off. Not only was I preoccupied with what had happened with Logan, but I was dreading tomorrow.
“Sorry,” I replied with a sheepish look. “I zoned out for a minute. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“That’s okay, babe,” he replied with a sweet smile. “I was saying that I think it’s time to take the next step in our relationship.”
I blinked at him, confused by the topic our conversation had veered into. The last thing I remembered him blathering on about was the flexibility of third-person narratives.
“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely puzzled. Even though we had been dating for three years, neither of us had ever broached the subject of our future. I was content to take our relationship on a day-by-day basis, and I assumed Adam felt the same way.
He took my hand and squeezed it gently. “What I mean is, we’ve been together for three years. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I swallowed hard, shocked by the words that were spilling so easily from his lips. It sounded like he was on the verge of proposing, and that was the last thing I expected from him. Hell, just a week ago I had been contemplating ending our relationship, and here he was professing his undying love to me.
“Well?” he asked expectantly. “Do you feel the same way?”
“Are you…” my voiced trailed off. I cleared my throat and forced myself to say the words out loud. “Are you asking me to marry you?”