by S. H. Kolee
Mrs. Brooks was becoming hysterical and I started to panic. I quickly tried to interject a dose of reality into the conversation to jar her out of her delusions.
“Look around us,” I said urgently, trying to keep my voice steady. “You came to meet me in Chicago. That’s because I’m no longer a student at the University of Michigan. I’m twenty-eight years old now. You’re living in the past because you don’t want to accept Cassie’s death. I understand that. I can’t imagine how horrible it was for you to lose her, but it isn’t healthy to keep pretending. She’s gone, Mrs. Brooks, and nothing is going to change that.”
My words fell on deaf ears. Mrs. Brooks looked so enraged that I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had physically attacked me.
“You’re sick,” she hissed, glaring at me with such hatred that I flinched. “I wish you had never come into our lives. You don’t deserve to have a friend like Cassie. She trusts and loves you, and you repay her by trying to take her boyfriend away. If she knew what you were doing, she would hate you. How can you live with yourself, knowing that you’re betraying her like this? Who are you? You’re not the Madison that I thought I knew. You’re trying to justify what you’re doing with revolting lies. The only thing that matters is that you’re guilty. You’re guilty of deceiving Cassie, and you’re guilty of trying to take her happiness away. I won’t ever let that happen.”
Her words battered against me, wounding me because they were true. I had betrayed Cassie, and I would never be able escape the fact that I was just as culpable for her death as if I had been the one holding the razor that had slashed her wrists. And I was still betraying her, because the only way I was able to have a relationship with Logan now was to forget about her so that I didn’t have to deal with the guilt. How could I forget the person who had been my best friend, my strongest supporter, my loudest cheerleader, for ten years?
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. Mrs. Brooks must have taken my silence as acceptance of my guilt, because when she spoke again, her voice was gentler. She no longer look enraged and her ability to just switch it off was discomfiting.
“Madison, I know that feelings can get confusing, especially when you’re young. You think you’ve found the love of your life, when in reality, he’s just one boy in a string of relationships you’ll have before you find the right one. Cassie and Logan have something special. One day, you’ll find the person who’s right for you, too. But don’t ruin this for Cassie. And don’t ruin this for yourself. You’ll regret destroying your friendship with Cassie for the rest of your life. It’s not too late to salvage it. She never has to know. Just promise me you’ll stop seeing Logan.”
It was a long time before I spoke, but when I finally did, I wasn’t sure if I was lying to her or to myself.
“I promise,” I whispered, feeling broken.
Mrs. Brooks’ countenance changed immediately at my words. She smiled at me, looking relieved. “I knew you would make the right decision, dear. We can forget this ever happened.” She glanced distractedly around the restaurant. “Where did our waiter go? We’ve been here for ages and haven’t even ordered yet.”
I felt numb as she gestured for our waiter, and I pointed to a random item on the menu when he came to the table, not even paying attention to what I was ordering. I was like an automaton for the rest of lunch. I was silent except for when Mrs. Brooks asked a direct question, which I answered with the fewest words possible.
“It was wonderful to see you,” Mrs. Brooks said brightly when we were done and the check had been settled. “Next time, you should come to Laurenston. I know how busy you girls get with your classes and parties, but I’d love it if you visited more often.”
I nodded feebly, feeling dazed. My mind was blank as I rode the L train home. It wasn’t until I entered my apartment and collapsed onto my bed that the tears poured out of me. What was I going to do? I had promised Mrs. Brooks the impossible, because I couldn’t end things with Logan. But what if she found out we were still seeing each other? Why did it still matter so much what she thought of me? She had treated me like a daughter for most of my life, and beyond just owing her so much, I truly cared about her, but she was sick and deluded. The worst part was that her mental instability didn’t change the fact that a large part of me had agreed with her character assassination of me.
Sobs wracked my body as I silently begged for someone to help me decide what to do. It was a long time before I realized that it was Cassie I was pleading with.
Please, I begged her. Tell me what to do. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry for everything. I love you. Please help me.
The words repeated themselves in my head over and over again until I finally stopped crying out of sheer exhaustion. My body couldn’t take anymore, and I just lay in bed unmoving, wishing I could talk to Cassie one last time.
Hours had passed when the stillness of my apartment was broken by the ringing of my cell phone. I frowned when I saw that it was Adam calling. The last thing I wanted was to deal with him so I let it go to voicemail. I almost hurled the phone across my bedroom when he immediately called again, but I checked the impulse. When he called the third time, I answered the phone angrily. I was ready to unleash some of my rage on someone, and Adam was as good a target as any.
“What the fuck do you want?” I snarled.
“You sound pretty upset. What happened?” Despite the concerned nature of his words, his tone was smug. Sudden realization bloomed as I considered how Mrs. Brooks had found out about me and Logan. Adam didn’t know the details about what had happened in the past, but he knew enough to use it against me. I had never intended to tell him anything about it, but some of the story had spilled out one night when I had awakened from a nightmare about Cassie’s death. He knew that Logan had been Cassie’s boyfriend in college and that her mother had been emotionally unstable since her death, but I had never revealed to him what had happened between Logan and me. I had confided in Adam early in our relationship and asked him to never speak about it again, and he had respected my wishes. Until now.
“You asshole,” I hissed. “You’re the one that told Cassie’s mother about me and Logan.”
“I thought she deserved to know what you two were up to. I know you said that she wasn’t able to deal with Cassie’s death, but you never told me that she’s actually crazy and pretends that her daughter’s alive.” Adam seemed highly amused by it all, and I wondered how I could have wasted so many years on someone who could be so effortlessly cruel. “We sure had one interesting conversation.”
“I can’t believe I used to think you were a decent human being,” I spat out. “You make me sick. Don’t ever contact me again.”
Adam’s voice was cold when he spoke again. “You don’t have to worry about that. This wasn’t some ploy to get you back. I just figured you deserved a little misery. It didn’t seem fair for you to get your happily ever after. You told me how much Cassie’s mother meant to you. You would be a pretty heartless bitch to continue a relationship with Logan knowing that it was killing her.”
He hung up before I could respond, and I was tempted to call him back so I could scream at him and tell him exactly what I thought of him. In the end, I restrained myself because it wouldn’t do any good. He wanted a reaction out of me, and I didn’t want him to know just how much he had fucked up my life.
When my phone rang, anger immediately surged to life inside me again, but I was instantly deflated when I saw that it was Logan calling. I took a deep breath before answering the phone because I didn’t want him to hear my distress. This was something we needed to talk about face-to-face.
“Hi, Logan.”
“Hey, babe. What are you up to?” He sounded so happy and relaxed which made me even more depressed. What was I going to do? I knew Adam wouldn’t hesitate to contact Mrs. Brooks again if he found out that we were still together, and I knew she would then become really unhinged. But I couldn’t live my life trying to play a part in a charade.
“Not much,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “Just working.”
“I think I’m going to get out at a decent hour today. Why don’t we go out to dinner instead of just doing take-out?”
The thought of having to smile and pretend everything was okay in a noisy restaurant made my stomach turn. We needed to have a serious conversation, and it was better to have it in private.
“Do you mind just coming over? I’m a little tired and I think I need a night in.”
“Is everything okay?” Logan’s voice instantly turned concerned and I fought back the tears that there threatening to spill over.
“Everything’s fine,” I said, hoping he would believe the false brightness I had forced into my voice. “I just feel like staying in.”
“No problem,” he said, seemingly convinced by my act. “Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?”
“Not really. Surprise me.”
I was relieved when the call ended, although I was just postponing the inevitable. I didn’t know what I would say to Logan, since I wasn’t even sure of my own feelings.
By the time Logan arrived, I still had no idea what to do. I decided the best thing was to be entirely truthful about what had happened today and take it from there.
“Hi, baby. It’s good to see you after a crazy day at work.” Logan dropped a quick kiss on my mouth before heading to the kitchen to set the bag of take-out on the counter. I followed him and leaned against the counter as he started to unpack the bag of food.
“You’re in an awfully good mood,” I commented as I watched him. He was upbeat and practically whistling with good cheer. He turned to grin at me and winked.
“I got some good news today.”
“Well?” I asked when he continued to empty the bag without explanation, and then grabbed a couple of plates from the cupboard. “Are you going to tell me what it is, or do I have to guess?” I tapped my finger on my mouth, pretending to be deep in thought. In that moment, being with him, I could almost forget that my life was in shambles, and I wanted to prolong that feeling as long as possible. “Did you find out that you’re secretly a superhero and your only weakness is kryptonite? No, wait… I bet you found out you’re next in line to be heir to the throne of Bulgaria. Do I have to start calling you King Logan?”
“As ecstatic as I would be to have you start calling me king, it’s a little less exciting than that,” he replied drily. “I got an offer of partnership today.”
“That’s amazing!” I exclaimed with an excited squeal. I grabbed him in a fierce hug, forcing him to put down the plates. “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you. You’ve worked so hard for them. It’s only right that they finally make you a partner.”
Logan wrapped his arms around me, returning the hug as he grinned down at me. He looked so happy and relaxed that my glee vanished, replaced with heavy regret. Soon, I would cause that happiness to disappear. The problems I had momentarily forgotten in the midst of his good news came rushing back to me, and my smile faltered. I hated to ruin this for him, and I debated tabling the topic for another time.
“What’s wrong?” he asked with a frown. “You went from happy to concerned in the span of a second. Are you worried that this will mean even longer work hours?” He kissed me gently on the forehead and brushed the hair back from my face. “Don’t worry. I made it clear that I wasn’t willing to make work my life. You’re more important to me than being made partner. I guess they wanted me pretty badly, because they were willing to meet all my terms.”
“It’s not that,” I said, shaking my head, but the sweetness of having him consider me when he should be making his career a priority made the conversation I was about to have with him even harder. I stepped back, breaking our embrace, and took a deep breath.
“Mrs. Brooks came to Chicago today to see me.”
Logan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “By herself? I can’t imagine her coming all the way here without her husband. What did she want?”
I bit my lip before answering, hating to shatter what should have been a happy day for Logan, but there was no point in delaying the inevitable. “She knows about us. That we’re seeing each other. She was pretty upset because in her mind, we’re betraying Cassie. She pretty much told me she’s disgusted with me.”
“How the hell did she find out?”
I had been dreading this part. “Adam told her. Apparently, he’s still really upset about our breakup and the fact that you and I are together now. He doesn’t know about what happened between us in college, but he knows that you were Cassie’s boyfriend back then, and that she killed herself. I had told him enough about Mrs. Brooks’ mental instability for him to know that she would freak out if she knew we were seeing each other. Somehow, he got her number and called her and told her everything.”
“That spineless son-of-a-bitch,” Logan cursed. “The only way he knows how to fight is like a fucking coward.”
He made a move towards the door, and I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Where are you going?” I asked, panicked because I already had a pretty good idea.
“To find that piece of garbage and teach him how to handle things like a man.”
“That’s not going to help matters,” I said, trying to reason with him. “It’s just going to escalate things. I don’t want anything to do with Adam. I think he’s content, now that he’s gotten his petty revenge.”
Logan clenched his hands into fists. “He can’t just get away with this!”
I sighed, feeling defeated. “He didn’t tell her anything that wasn’t the truth. I don’t think he expected it to have as big of an impact as it did. He didn’t know how deep Mrs. Brooks’ sickness went when he contacted her.”
“What exactly did she say to you?”
I hesitated before answering. “She became pretty hysterical about the whole situation. She’s afraid of Cassie finding out and being hurt.” I dropped my head as a surge of regret washed over me. “She doesn’t realize that it’s already too late for that.”
“Madison, stop.”
I looked up at his steely tone, knowing that I was wallowing in my guilt but unable to help myself.
“You can’t keep berating yourself for what happened. You’re not responsible for Cassie’s decision.”
I rubbed my forehead tiredly, feeling exhausted by all the emotional turmoil of the day. “I feel like we’re just talking in circles. I thought we could make this work if I just buried the memories of Cassie.” I dropped my hand and looked at Logan, resigned. “But how do you forget someone who’s been a part of you for most of your life?”
Logan gently took me by the shoulders. “You can’t. That’s why I thought it was a mistake for you to try to forget about Cassie. We can work through your guilt about her together so that you can remember all the good times you had with her. Don’t let your last tragic moment with her define your entire relationship.”
I wasn’t sure if Logan was right. I fervently wished that he was, but my guilt had been a part of me for so long that I didn’t know if I could let it go. I took a deep breath before speaking, knowing that I had to tell him the promise I had made to Mrs. Brooks.
“I tried to be honest with Cassie’s mother. I tried to make her face the fact that Cassie is gone and we’re no longer college students, but she couldn’t accept it. She made me promise her that we would stop seeing each other. I didn’t know what else to do but agree because I was afraid she was going to become totally unhinged.”
Logan dropped his hands from my shoulders, his jaw tightening. His voice was quiet when he spoke but I could hear the anger simmering just beneath the surface. “Are you planning on keeping that promise?”
“No! I don’t know.” I felt utterly conflicted and didn’t know what was the right decision. I looked at Logan, pleading for him to understand. “I don’t want to end things between us. I just felt like I had to agree so she didn’t go off the deep end. But my fear is that Adam will find out we’re still toge
ther and contact Mrs. Brooks again.”
Logan frowned at my reasoning. “He could do that regardless. I doubt he would have any reservations about lying.”
I couldn’t argue with Logan’s logic since Adam had shown himself to have little integrity, but I still couldn’t banish the fear that, next time, he would do something as drastic as taking pictures of us as proof.
“I just need some time to think,” I said. “I just need to get my head on straight.”
Logan was watching me cautiously. “What exactly does that mean?”
Earlier, I had been clueless about what to do, and I still was, but I suddenly realized that what I needed was time. I needed time to figure out what the hell to do about this mess.
“I think we need some time apart.” I tried not to be swayed by the darkening of Logan’s expression and kept on talking. “I know you don’t agree, but I’m still trying to process the idea of us together. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care deeply about you, because I do. But now that Mrs. Brooks knows, it’s making everything so much harder. Maybe I can try to reason with her, try to help her realize that she’s sick. It would make things so much easier between us if I wasn’t constantly worried that our relationship could possibly hurt her.”
The expression on Logan’s face was grim. “Why are you letting all of this come between us? I know you care about Cassie’s mother, but how long are you going to let her delusions dictate your life? I’m tired of living in the past.”
“Please, Logan. I’m just asking for a little time to figure things out.”
“Just how much is a little time?”
“I’m not sure,” I said, feeling helpless. “This hurts me as much as it hurts you, but in the long run I think it’s for the best.”
Logan studied me for a while as a dozen emotions flickered across his face, ranging from anger to anguish. When he finally spoke, there was only resignation left. “Somehow, I doubt that,” he said. “I’ve been fooling myself this entire time. I kept thinking that once the barriers were gone, you would want to be with me. But now you’re just inventing reasons to keep us apart.”