by S. H. Kolee
I was stupid to have asked him about her. His response made me want to throw up, and I had to fight the urge to cry. I would not cry in front of him.
“Wow, seven months. That’s a record for you.” I was trying to make a joke, to show how unaffected I was by his answer, but instead I ended up sounding caustic and bitter. I should stop torturing myself by asking more questions, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “Do you live together?”
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when he nodded. This was serious. Not only had Logan been with Kristina longer than any relationship besides Cassie, but she had moved here with him and they were living together.
The thought of Cassie was sobering. I was jealous for no reason. I had no claim on Logan, and he deserved to be happy. It was better that he was happy with someone else besides me. The ghost of Cassie wouldn’t haunt their relationship.
“I’m happy for you,” I said, trying to sound sincere. Maybe if I said it enough, I would actually believe it.
“What about you?” he asked. “Are you seeing anyone?”
I almost lied so that I didn’t seem pathetic, but it was pointless so I told him the truth. “No,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. “I’m still waiting for my Prince Charming, I guess. Either that, or my Prince Good Enough.”
Instead of laughing at my lame attempt at humor, Logan just studied me with an expression I didn’t understand. I felt awkward beneath his steady gaze, so I tried to fill in the silence, as well as make my escape.
“As you can see, I’m a mess,” I said as I indicated my sweaty and disheveled state with a sweeping hand. “I should really go inside and get cleaned up.”
That was his cue to leave because there was no way in hell I was inviting him up.
“You look beautiful.”
I swallowed hard at his words. I didn’t understand why he was saying that to me, especially since he had just professed that Kristina was his perfect match. I tried to laugh it off to dispel any awkwardness.
“You’re just trying to be nice, but I know I look like I just got steamrolled by a Mack truck.” I kept on talking, because the way he was looking at me was unnerving. “I didn’t think running would take so much out of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve done any sort of exercise, and I’m going to pay for it tomorrow with sore muscles.”
“Are you coming to my party next Saturday?” he asked, ignoring my blatherings about running. “It’s at my apartment, and it won’t be many people. I’d really like it if you came. And Emily, too, of course.”
I bit my lip as I thought it over. I had told him earlier that I already had plans, but apparently he hadn’t believed me. It probably wasn’t smart to go. I didn’t even understand why he wanted me there. I decided not to play games and just ask him outright.
“Why do you want me to come? I know you said you miss our friendship, but it’s a little naïve to think we can just jump back to being friends.”
“Why? It’s in the past. We’ve both moved on.”
The way Logan phrased it made it impossible for me to refuse without admitting that I hadn’t moved on. I wasn’t sure if he did it on purpose, but it worked.
“I guess I can come for a little bit,” I said reluctantly. I had a feeling I would regret this decision, but I foolishly ignored the warning voice in my head.
“I’m glad to hear that,” Logan replied, but his expression wasn’t exactly brimming with enthusiasm. He looked more dispassionate than anything else, like he was scheduling a meeting with one of his clients. Despite his lack of emotion, I had a feeling that he would have persisted until I agreed to come. “I’ll text you my new address. I’m back downtown, but in a different building.”
“Okay,” I said. I paused, not knowing what was left to say. “Well, see you later.”
Logan gave me a curt nod and then walked away. I was tempted to watch him until he turned the corner, but I forced myself to run up the stoop and unlock the front door of my building.
An hour later, after I had showered and changed, I was still reliving my conversation with Logan over and over again. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had just made a decision that would irrevocably change my life forever. I just didn’t know whether it was for better or worse.
Chapter Seventeen
The following week was torture as I went back and forth about whether I would actually attend Logan’s party. I didn’t know if the reason I was going was to give our friendship another chance, or if it was my way of clinging to the hope that he would realize he still loved me. The latter reason was too pathetic to contemplate, but I couldn’t deny that it was a real possibility.
Logan texted me midweek with his new address, and I had been tempted to answer back that I was no longer able to come. I had a feeling that I was setting myself up to be massively hurt, but after a long internal debate, I ended up confirming that I would see him on Saturday.
Emily hadn’t said much when I told her about agreeing to go to his party. Despite her lack of objection, I couldn’t help feeling that she disapproved. Still, she agreed to come with me, and I was relieved to have her company.
By the time Saturday night rolled around, I was a bundle of nerves. I had changed outfits numerous times, unsure of what to wear. I didn’t know how formal the party was going to be since I hadn’t bothered to ask Logan. It had been hard enough to let him know that I was attending. The last thing on my mind was inquiring about the dress code. I finally settled on an emerald sheath dress that made my eyes look even greener than normal. It was elegant, yet simple enough if the party was more casual. My hair was up in a deliberately messy bun with a few tendrils pulled loose to frame my face. My up-do, in combination with the deep V of the dress, made my neck look longer and more graceful, and I was happy with the effect. Looking as good as possible was my only shield of armor against Logan and his newfound happiness.
“You look gorgeous!” Emily exclaimed when I let her into my apartment. “You should wear your hair like that more often.”
“You look pretty gorgeous yourself,” I said with a smile, feeling some of the tension lessen now that she was here. At least I wouldn’t have to face this alone.
Emily did indeed look gorgeous in a short, black dress that left little to the imagination. On anyone else, the dress might have looked a little too revealing, but Emily had a way of making anything she wore look provocative yet classy.
“We’ll be the hottest bitches at the party,” she joked. She raised an eyebrow almost challengingly. “I can’t wait to see what Logan’s new fling looks like.”
I rolled my eyes at her but her levity made even more of my tension dissipate. “She’s not some floozy like some of the other women he’s dated. She actually seems pretty nice.”
Emily made a gagging sound. “Just what every guy wants. Nice.”
I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better, but it still lifted my spirits. Everything was more bearable with a loyal friend by your side.
We took a cab to Logan’s apartment since we didn’t want to navigate the L train in heels. Despite wishing for a lot of traffic to prolong the time until we reached his place, we seemed to hit all the green lights and got there in record time.
Emily grabbed my hand as we were about to enter Logan’s building. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”
I saw concern on her face, and I tried to muster up a smile, although my stomach was in knots. “I’ll be okay. If it gets to be too much, we can just leave.”
After getting past the doorman, we took the elevator to the 25th floor. With each floor that passed, the tension that had eased earlier came back with a vengeance. I took deep breaths, telling myself that this was no big deal. I was just going to a simple party, and I could handle seeing Logan and Kristina together. Unfortunately, even I knew better than to believe myself.
The elevator arrived on his floor with a soft ding, and we walked onto the plush carpet in the quiet hallway. When we got to his door, I took a deep
breath before pressing the doorbell. I heard the faint sounds of people talking and laughing on the other side, and we only had to wait a few seconds before the door swung open.
Even though I had already seen Logan last week, it was still heart wrenching to have him standing before me, looking larger than life. He was wearing black pants that looked like they had been tailored for his body, and a grey button-down that was open at the collar. He looked casually urbane and irresistibly sophisticated, and I instantly felt dowdy in my simple green dress.
I masked my unease with a smile. “Hi, Logan. It’s good to see you again.”
He stepped back to let us in, but instead of returning the smile, he had a disgruntled look on his face. “You’re late.”
I raised my eyebrows. “I didn’t realize we had to be here by a certain time.”
I had purposely arrived later than when Logan told me the party was starting because I wanted there to be enough people so that I could blend into the crowd. Besides, who arrives right at the start of a party?
“Haven’t you ever heard of being fashionably late?” Emily joked, trying to lighten the mood. “It’s all about making an entrance.”
Logan managed to suppress his irritation and smiled faintly at Emily. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t know much about being fashionable about anything.” He guided us inside into his living room. “It’s good to see you again, Emily. Everyone at the firm is impressed with the plans you and Sylvia have made for redoing the offices.”
Emily beamed at him, seeming to have momentarily forgotten the diatribe she had unleashed about Logan when it had just been the two of us. “Thanks. It’s been a challenge, but a fun one.”
I blocked out their conversation and looked past Logan. His apartment was impressive and much larger than his previous one. One wall of the living room was made completely out of glass and offered a stunning view of the skyline of Chicago. The apartment was decorated simply yet elegantly with a modern flair without being cold. There were a good number of people mingling about, and I was instantly glad that I had worn a dress since some of the guests were dressed a lot more formally than I had expected. In fact, Logan was probably the most casually dressed as most of the other men were wearing jackets. I recognized a few people from Logan’s firm as well as some of his acquaintances that I had met before.
My gaze zeroed in on Kristina, who was busy talking to two other women. She was impeccably dressed in a flowing blue dress that cinched at her waist, showing off its narrowness. Her dark brown hair was loose and flowing, and when she tipped her head back to laugh, it rippled down in shiny waves. In that instant, I hated her. I hated her for being with Logan, for having a future with him. My hatred for her was only outweighed by my hatred for myself. I should have been the one by Logan’s side, and I had no one to blame but myself.
“Madison.”
I jerked my head towards Logan when he said my name. I hadn’t realized that he and Emily had stopped talking and were both now looking at me expectantly.
“Um, yes?” I said, unsure if I was supposed to be answering a question.
“Logan asked what you wanted to drink,” Emily said, giving me a meaningful look, which I translated into an order to stop looking so bewildered.
“Oh,” I replied stupidly. I gave them a weak smile, trying to pretend like I hadn’t been lost in my thoughts. I needed to stop being so preoccupied with my jealousy towards Kristina. “I’ll take a glass of white wine. Whatever you have.”
“Are you okay?” Emily whispered when Logan left to get our drinks. “Logan said your name like five times before you answered.”
“I’m fine,” I muttered. “I was just lost in my thoughts.”
“What were you looking—”
Before Emily could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by Kristina. I was startled by her sudden appearance since she had been across the room just moments before.
“Madison! I’m so glad you could make it.” She leaned forward to greet me, and I could smell the faint floral notes of her perfume. She turned towards Emily with an expectant smile. “You must be Emily.”
Instead of confirming Kristina’s assumption, Emily just looked at her with an odd expression on her face.
“Yes, this is Emily,” I finally said when she just continued to stare at Kristina with a stupefied expression on her face. “Emily, this is Kristina, Logan’s girlfriend.”
I was glad that I was able to get the word girlfriend out without choking on it. Emily seemed to snap out of her reverie and greeted her with a wan smile.
“It’s nice to meet you, Kristina.”
“The party is filled with Logan’s co-workers. It’s nice to finally have some people here who won’t drone on about legal briefs and addendums.”
Before either of us could respond, Logan was back with our drinks. He handed both of us a glass of wine before glancing down at Kristina. “Do you need another drink?”
She shook her head as she raised her glass that was almost empty. “I’ll probably be nursing this for the rest of the night. You know me and drinking.”
It was painful to watch Logan slip an arm around her waist as he faced us. “Kristina’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. More than two drinks, and she’s dancing on the tables.”
She laughed at his comment. “Just because you can drink twice your bodyweight without even slurring your words doesn’t mean the rest of us mere mortals can keep up with your pace.”
I stared at them as they bantered, feeling sick and telling myself it had been a huge mistake to come. I couldn’t witness their easy affection for the rest of the night without either bursting into tears or screaming in frustration and jealousy.
I turned towards Emily so I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore, only to be confused by the odd look she had on her face. She couldn’t seem to stop staring at Kristina. I tried to elbow her discreetly before either of them noticed. Emily turned to me and blinked.
There were a few beats of awkward silence as none of us said anything. I broke it with the first thing I could think of.
“What do you do, Kristina?” I asked politely.
“Back in L.A. I worked at an advertising agency. Now I’m unemployed and looking for a job.”
“Kristina’s being modest,” Logan said with an affectionate grin. “She was in charge of multi-million dollar campaigns back in L.A., and she has several agencies clamoring for her to work for them in Chicago. She just has to choose which one.”
Kristina rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “I wouldn’t go that far. Logan tends to exaggerate a bit when it comes to my skills.”
Their sweetness was sickening and I had an immature compulsion to kick them both in the shins and storm out of the apartment. Instead, I pasted on a smile.
“I’m sure he’s not exaggerating too much.” I desperately wanted the conversation to end. I wanted to get away from Logan and Kristina, but I didn’t know how to do so without being rude and obvious, so I dug my grave even deeper by asking more questions. “How are you liking Chicago so far?”
“So far so good,” Kristina replied. “It’s just so different from L.A.”
Emily finally came out of her stupor and started talking to Kristina about Los Angeles since she traveled there fairly often for work. I was relieved that she was shouldering the bulk of the conversation so I could lapse into silence and just listen. I tried to avoid looking at Logan and kept my eyes on Kristina and Emily as they talked about places they knew in common in L.A., but pretty soon the urge became irresistible, and I glanced quickly at him. I was surprised to find him watching me, and I became even more discomfited when he didn’t look away when I caught him.
I slid my eyes back to Kristina, who was talking about one of her favorite restaurants in L.A., but I couldn’t fight temptation and glanced at Logan again. His piercing blue eyes were still studying me and I couldn’t help but feel like I was being observed under a microscope. I self-consciously took a large sip of my wine and tr
ied to concentrate on the conversation.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to escape Logan’s scrutiny and latched onto the first excuse I could think of. “I have to go to the bathroom,” I announced. “I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll show you where it is.”
I shook my head. The last thing I needed was to be alone with Logan, especially with how I was feeling right now. I was a mess of regret, sadness and hurt. I didn’t want him to know how vulnerable I was and how close my emotions were to the surface.
“It’s okay. If you point out where it is, I’ll be fine on my own.”
Logan ignored me and instead looked at Kristina. “I’ll be right back.”
Kristina nodded, seemingly completely unperturbed by Logan’s offer to accompany me. I wondered if she knew anything about my past with him. If she did, she was a much more secure woman than I was.
I was acutely aware of Logan’s hand on my elbow as he guided me through the crowd of people. A few people recognized me as we made our way through, and I quickly exchanged greetings, but the pressure of Logan’s hand propelling me forward clearly indicated that he didn’t want me to stop to make small talk. I told myself it was no big deal that he was showing me where the bathroom was. Once we reached it, I could close the door on his face and be alone to lick my wounds in private.
“Thanks,” I said when we stopped in front of a door that I assumed was the bathroom. I opened it and stepped inside, fumbling for the light switch. Instead of walking away, Logan stepped in behind me and closed the door before switching on the light.
“What are you doing?” I asked in alarm. My concern grew when I saw that, instead of a bathroom, we were in a large bedroom. Presumably the bedroom he shared with Kristina. I pushed the thought aside and frowned severely at him. “This isn’t the bathroom.”
Logan lifted his hand to indicate an interior door across the room. “It’s right over there.”